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Nicole Aug 2019
sauntering through the spiralled gates at midnight, hands held so tightly together as if the world would shatter if we let go - we always wanted to go home early. the red or green t-shirt over your lampshade creating an enchanting galaxy of this box room... the room was red when you first said ‘i love you’

we lay still on your floor, our tired legs still hidden beneath our mattress den, overlooked by a soft green glow as my mother demanded i come home. this was the second night we spent together. after our first date we sauntered through the blackness hand in hand and we held each other tightly in a field beneath the stars. i didn’t want to go home the next day and i hoped our walk through the sweet orange forest would last at least a little into the evening so i wouldn’t be able to go home in the dark - it did. my friend told my mother where i was and you held me at the door of our fort telling me everything would be okay

our red and green heaven kept us safe as we fell in love, my handmade drawings like ivy upon your wall while your vines enveloped my heart, quickly and intricately as if to never be unwrapped. the fern leaf we picked on our first walk together rested gently above the wardrobe as we rested together night upon night. you would always hold me after my bad dreams, before falling back asleep

8 months later and we only have a week left here. we walk softly through the now green forest holding our fern leaf. i place it in the offering bowl inside the witch’s den, with a small starry note that contained our togetherness and the significance of the leaf. we both kept a small bit for our diaries but we walked away leaving the fern to rest where we first merged souls - our joined existence will always be one with the trees and the soil
Nicole Jul 2019
in a calming field of cat tails, we lay down upon the soil
a secret circle kept hidden - no one will ever find us

my hair spilled into the stems like twirling ivy while you rest gently beside me
i saw the magic in the clear sky, it was still, as if the world was no longer spinning
everything stopped and we would stay here forever
holding hands and hiding together

i never thought i was deserving of love but i only ever feel safe when you touch me
your blue eyes against the sky and my fingers in your hair
i never thought someone would ever care

i wish to stay here
with the cat tails and the soft breeze
a heart shaped hole in the middle of a field

it almost didn’t seem real
Nicole Jul 2019
my body aches and tingles, my mind only spirals
everyone would be happier if i was no longer here
i want to run away into the dark trees
but i would only come running back confused
because i don't belong anywhere

it's nearly a year since you died and i'm sorry i couldn't have saved you
but i'm so scared that the same thing will happen to me too
you were curled up in my dream the night you died
crouched under a shelter with your knees to your chest - your head was buried down
you were never in my dream before

i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared and i don't know what to do
but if i have to die i hope that i'll see you
maybe there's nothing afterwards anyway...
is nothing at all better than all my bad days?
Nicole Jul 2019
please come up to bed soon
i’m all alone with just a glimpse of the moon

flickers of hope twirling dimly in front of my tired eyes
fading so quickly, i try to hang on to them but they fly away
i can’t join in conversations when i feel like this
lying stagnant in bed isn’t where i want to be
but i’d feel much safer with you next to me

we’ll stare at the star that lingers wherever we go
watching over us like the night we first met
we pointed up at it and it followed us again and again

weaving our way through time, it always keeps us safe from the night sky
Nicole Jul 2019
their stems will shy in the other direction
as if a magnetic force is pulling them into hell
all at their own free will

the fairies will go and tell their friends to lock their doors tonight
closing up the curtains with fear in their small eyes
they won’t sleep tonight
cradling their wings

the moon will hide behind the dark clouds, not daring to ever peep out, at least until the sun is ready
and everything is pitch black

curious eyes will peep through the leaves but only for a second
watching distressed fairies only makes them want to close their eyes
they will forever hide away from the scary light

and i don’t want to die anymore
but i guess i can’t save all of these things
i’ll just pray that the fairies will wake up tomorrow
Nicole May 2019
2018 was the worst year of my life and i would never ever go back there
not even to retrieve the pretty lace bows i used to tie in my hair

i wonder if they’re in a field some place
i only have scraps of them now
tied to the ends of my cotton bag, memories lingering behind me wherever i walk
they might be torn up in a gutter
and that thought is better than seeing them sway beside my head in the wind

i want to forget the side of the road
a crashed bus, a dead friend and only a ‘aw angel’ to show
i stared at the icicles that he would never see again
fragile and disappearing, like his prescence in the air
while a hollow face stared back at me waiting for me to stop crying

i want to forget everyone who hurt me
i’ll tear up the list if it will make me feel better
the scraps of paper can form dresses for fairies
i’ll send them back in time

they’ll delicately fly around my days, removing my face
i don’t have to remember anything anymore
i don’t have to remember the dulling ache of months spent inside my bedroom
and what happened on his floor

take away my underweight body that wilted in the summer heat
torturous rays bursting through my window
fly away with me

erase the things i haven’t told a soul

i wasn’t there i wasn’t there
i was never there
Nicole May 2019
i couldn’t remember the last time i cried
but now i find myself crying all the time

lying stagnant on somebody elses bed
in the dark because another friend is dead
a green light piercing my eyes
the walls are swaying and the ceiling is breathing

i don’t want to die
but i feel so alone in this world
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