fox - Hello Poetry

fox Nov 7

ambition is an apparition of the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your life. she does not text you back. sometimes you see her in the mirror. in your braided hair.

wounds are soft pink after the heat of steam and a night's sleep. this is the same shade you see in the flowers that grow outside your bedroom window. the warm flush of life.

your soft underbelly is milky white, your face is tan with sun, and you search for whitening creams in a korean grocery store near your house. freckles line the the horizon like stars you drew on her face.

dostoyevsky says that a man must work to be worthy of his own suffering. you don't like suffering, but you like the way blood feels on your tongue, the burn of muscles after exertion, skin being peeled back.

your body is out of your reach most of the time. helium party balloons with strings cut short. needles in your thighs. an iv in your elbow. you don't know how to inject yourself properly so it falls on your roommate.

your only friend is a razor blade, but she doesn't like you enough to reply. nights pass without you noticing because the blinds are always shut. she won't kiss your face anymore, only your arms.

fox Oct 5

my experience with needle felting something for my one year anniversary

love hurts

if you're not careful

#love

fox Oct 5

liquid mechanima

next to you i can't breathe
always a shell of a person
a ghost in the machine
gutted on the fishing hook
of your renaissance taste
pixel gore painted
on the sidewalk in pink
and lavender blue
gold thrown up by a
woodchipper stomach
tumors kissing a
washing machine heart

who's afraid of modern art?

#schizophrenia

fox Aug 27

cilice

i sit in a vague fugue as the flies buzz through the open window
they know death is near, blood seeping through the thin cotton of a school uniform. integrals curl up into manifolds as my vision blurs
i think of a rope around the neck, a bullet through the head, a clarity
from the yellow-wallpapered fluorescent hum
an eyelid twitches, mirroring the left leg. i push my knuckles against the edge of the desk. sharp metal bites a quick counter-subject to my mental funeral march.
i pick up my pen; the lecture wriggles back into the cerebellum with silver-tipped pincers and many many legs.

to deal with constant dissociation and chronic pain i handmade a cilice to wear. it is as dostoyevsky said; i only wanted to be worthy of my own suffering.

fox Aug 27

my father would be an excellent dictator of a third world country

a man so petty and cruel in life could only love like the ringing of a hammer on steel. i am a coward, as is he; so he beats the cowardice out of me. he tells me all other people delight in schadenfreude, as does he. it is only us against the world; no one else could love something as cruel as he is, as am i.

fox Aug 18

i stole a plastic rosary from the tourist trap market that costed 30 bucks

avoiding the same mistakes baked in genetically is harder than i thought; i only wanted to be worthy of my own pain, trying to be a noble man, a mountain of debt piled up from **** and beatings and gallons of midnight oil burnt, kerosene down the drain, fuel spluttering in a six-cylinder engine. i think i understand original sin now, one rib torn out, trauma passed to the bottom left. god looks down at me and wonders where i'm going. standing at the altar in His house with a stolen rosary and a hand dipped in the baptismal font as though it cancels out the theft like some game of divine arithmetic, heavenly haggling at the gates, staring at the pews like one does at a stranger's grave.

i am not christian but my partner is, and it is a strange feeling being in church all the time while being queer. i have become intimately familiar with liturgical art and music, but the hollowness of my lack of belief is magnified in front of the cross.

fox Aug 17

reality is an episode of good tv and we're all silly ******* cats

i still look for you in endless skies and infinite depths, in artificially beating hearts and macro-micro scale, past the schwarzschild radius, inside the electron orbital. the mere thought of you dwarfs everything that could be and can be conceptualised or philosophised or made, even as our descendants reach for the stars and become gods and synthesise emotions and transcend physical form, when history is a nightmare the human consciousness is trying to wake up from, there will be others too who love and lose like i did.

it is only fundamentally human to ***, suffer, lust, argue, and grieve.
but most importantly love.

#love