As i sat holding my phone all day, waiting for an update,
I sat worrying all day,
I sat hoping you would be honest & admit what you put me through.
I got the phone call to say that you have remembered me,
I got the news that you have denied everything.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know that you think you hold power over me?
Do you know that you're slowly loosing that power.
I have finally felt a different emotion other than love today.
I never wanted to feel anger towards you, today i do.

I know you'd of been scared of this day ever happening,
I know you never excepted it happen,
I never excepted id of ever been strong enough to make this day happen,
I guess i doubted my own strength.
I never thought you'd admit the truth,
I just hoped.
I was never you're friend, you was never mine, it was a whole lot deeper than that as you know.

You loved me as i loved you.
You know excalty why im saying this because you know its excalty what happened.
You never thought id ever realise what you have done.
Thats why you went that day after the lake's,
You thought you was going to be caught. You just never knew it would be 15 years later.
You're love only kept you safe for so long.
I learnt it was manipulation.

Im sorry for you're family & how they feel at this time.
This is now you're guilt to carry.

I question.. how you just carried on with you're life daily, whilst i suffered.

That isn't love.

I feel angry then i feel guilty that i feel angry.

I hope your conscious kicks in.

As i lay there last night riddled with a very sick gut feeling, thinking about you & what you have done to me.

I remembered hearing every single word you have ever spoken to me.
I remembered every sickening touch you gave to me.
I remembered the ***** stale smell of alcohol.
I remembered the feeling of being stuck to the thick sticky what feels like tar on the floor, the same feeling as you being stuck in my mind daily, so sticky im trapped as a victim of your's.
I remembered seeing you're chest hair hoovering above me.

I felt guilty about how you would of felt sat there being integrated, wondering how you're family feels about this, feeling so distressed about the impact it could have on those who you are loved by.

As ive learnt over this past year,  this is now you're guilt to carry.

Going to sleep at night, hoping it will take all the pain away,
Waking up crying, distressed, just wanting to have some peace from my mind for a little while.
Whilst still getting up the next day, putting them emotions back into a little box within you're mind, hoping you can continue to have a normal day.
Just for it to come crashing down as soon as you've put a little bit of Mascara on for the day, to it the be streaming down your face within fifthteen minutes of leaving the house.
Holding on to hope to every second of every minute for a bit of news, when that hope shatters, you're heart shatters all over again.
You go to sleep again hoping your can have peace, no you're awake all night stuck not being able to talk, hearing voices, unable to speak, or move.
The stress of being under this stress is the hardest thing ive ever had to do. This is the biggest struggle of all. Its not over yet, not even began but here i am.. still standing maybe not strong but not broken.

I pray the wait wont be for much longer.
Peace, closure & justice is soon to mine.

It all started when i was a little girl,
Growing up in a broken home,
It was toxic, all the shouting,  all the arguing, causing nothing but fear & pain.
The cruel words shouted out, no not at me but it ripped me out.
I started to see cracks, the love was dying, daddy didn't wanna go flyin, he left for days, he came back. You tried again, you thought a new shell would fix the spell, it just didn't work, mummy went out, she never returned, i remember see daddy crying, he was sat up all night lying. Dad wheres mum? She's at friends house go back to sleep.
Mummy didn't return until a while after, she packed her things & left, i ran up street crying mummy, take me with you, no go back home. Daddy ran up the street youve forgot something pointing at me like  i was the prize peice. I didn't see dad for a little while. Then he turned up with with a bunched of papers, i walked through the black gate shouting at mum to save me, she signed me over. She didnt want me.
7 years later she turned back up, knocking on the door, you took me to the place that id hate for the rest of my life, the smell of stale ashtrays & stale beer with a hint of bleach, i still remember the smell until this day, i remember everything that happened to me whilst that smell lingered. Do you remember me like i remember you?

Today I went back to the place that was the place that broke me.
I knocked on that door in desperate hope you'd be there.
I asked if they knew you or had any old mail with your name on.
The young male at the door looked at hes girlfriend, is despare.
A young anxious desperate girl at there door.
They promised they would be intouch.
Il forever live with that hope i will find you and see you again.
I see you every day, your everywhere.
I hear your voice,
Your calling me everyday.
I just cant control it.
I see you cradling my baby in your arms.
It took 6 years to ask for help then they palm you off and take you as some young girl with depression.
This is deeper, powerful, sadistic.
This trama has ruined me.
You could come home & fx everyday maybe one day.
Il keep listening to you. Il never get helped or believed so i suppose you will always be here.
I love you in a weird way.

Every single time she trys to resist,
Grabbing the knife,
Starting to cut deep.
As her hands are shaking
Her tears are flowing,
She know it's only helping for a little while
She needs the pain
She can't cope with the emotion overload,

She know everyone says
Oh wait she's just a typical young mum
She can't handle it
She's never been mentally stable
But wait..
There's a figure of 10% of the young population who suffers from harming there self.
She cuts because she can't talk
She needs to harm her self without hurting anybody else.
This is where she fails..
Not realising she's bringing everyone down who knows about her problem.
But every days a struggle for her not to cause harm
She knows she's shouldn't be thinking like this but she can't control it.
It's spinning out of control.
She wants to see a doctor but she can't.
She's too scared loosing her child.
She's still looking after him
She puts her problems to the side
She's not realising her problems matter the most
If mummys not there, he's got nobody.
Mummy needs her mind to be healthy.
She's telling her self it is,
It's different when she's curled into a ball,
Crying like a *****
She can't stop the tears from rolling down her face.
She just wants to run away.

No matter how much she tries
She just can't stop,
The urge is getting bigger and bigger every single day.
She waking in the night
She day dreaming about it.
It just won't leave her mind.
It's in me more and more everyday.
It's becoming a part of me,
She thought it was there once then left.
She was wrong,
Its been here for months,
She goes to working thinking of it
She lays in bed dreaming of it
She's crying wanting it to leave
Why me why me?! She's calling.
She's screaming for help but nobody can hear she.
She's listening for the sound of help,
She can't hear it.
She's breaking,
She doesn't want nobody to see.
It's 10 years ago how can she be so stupid.
Why now?
It could of stayed dormant for the rest of my life.
Why come to me now??
Why just Why?
Nobody can tell me.
They all tell me to forget and move on.
Why can't nobody tell me nothing.
Why can't anyone tell me a way to stop this hurt.
The hurt needs to go.
She's making invisible thoughts to real scars.
But Why?
This guy took her advantage,
Taken her freedom.
Taken her innocence.
Made her lost her life.
Stolen 12 years of her life.
It just doesn't end.
When the pub gets knocked down,
Your gone from the memory.
She will only have the ones in her mind.
The pub keeps you here with her.
She may not have answers but she have hope.
If the pub goes it just takes you away. Nobody will remember in ten years and it will all be a blur.
But every day she will still be tripping over the same old story.
For every memory she have of you deserves a scar.
It's hard she feel like she has so many already.
She don't want anymore.
She feel like she havnt given my self the full length of the pain.
Why you? Why would you even make me be like this?
You didn't love her
You wanted to steal her;
Self respect
Her dignity
Her pride
Her childhood

No words can describe what you've done to her.

If you seen how she feels would it bother you?
If you seen what she has to do to take the pain away would it bother you
If you seen how many tears have fallen from her face would you be bothered?

For every tear is a memory you shared
It all seemed good
It's just many visions of abuse.

I fell so hard in love with you,
It broke my heart.
I let you do what you wanted,
Just so I could have you.
You lied to me everyday,
I knew it, I didn't want to accept it.
I knew you loved me,
Just wanted your cake & to eat it to.

The connection I had with you was perfect.
Your eyes dazzled,
Your smile was as wide as the ocean.
Your touch was incredible.
Your scent was beautiful.
Your voice was perfect.

I'l never forget the day we fell in love.
Your my soul mate who I'l never get back.
I know she's not right for you.
I know you know she's not right for you.
I know she knows she will never be right for you.

If I could have it all back I'd have it now.

I miss you & everything about you.