Every single time she trys to resist,
Grabbing the knife,
Starting to cut deep.
As her hands are shaking
Her tears are flowing,
She know it's only helping for a little while
She needs the pain
She can't cope with the emotion overload,
She know everyone says
Oh wait she's just a typical young mum
She can't handle it
She's never been mentally stable
There's a figure of 10% of the young population who suffers from harming there self.
She cuts because she can't talk
She needs to harm her self without hurting anybody else.
This is where she fails..
Not realising she's bringing everyone down who knows about her problem.
But every days a struggle for her not to cause harm
She knows she's shouldn't be thinking like this but she can't control it.
It's spinning out of control.
She wants to see a doctor but she can't.
She's too scared loosing her child.
She's still looking after him
She puts her problems to the side
She's not realising her problems matter the most
If mummys not there, he's got nobody.
Mummy needs her mind to be healthy.
She's telling her self it is,
It's different when she's curled into a ball,
Crying like a *****
She can't stop the tears from rolling down her face.
She just wants to run away.
No matter how much she tries
She just can't stop,
The urge is getting bigger and bigger every single day.
She waking in the night
She day dreaming about it.
It just won't leave her mind.
It's in me more and more everyday.
It's becoming a part of me,
She thought it was there once then left.
She was wrong,
Its been here for months,
She goes to working thinking of it
She lays in bed dreaming of it
She's crying wanting it to leave
Why me why me?! She's calling.
She's screaming for help but nobody can hear she.
She's listening for the sound of help,
She can't hear it.
She doesn't want nobody to see.
It's 10 years ago how can she be so stupid.
It could of stayed dormant for the rest of my life.
Why come to me now??
Why just Why?
Nobody can tell me.
They all tell me to forget and move on.
Why can't nobody tell me nothing.
Why can't anyone tell me a way to stop this hurt.
The hurt needs to go.
She's making invisible thoughts to real scars.
This guy took her advantage,
Taken her freedom.
Taken her innocence.
Made her lost her life.
Stolen 12 years of her life.
It just doesn't end.
When the pub gets knocked down,
Your gone from the memory.
She will only have the ones in her mind.
The pub keeps you here with her.
She may not have answers but she have hope.
If the pub goes it just takes you away. Nobody will remember in ten years and it will all be a blur.
But every day she will still be tripping over the same old story.
For every memory she have of you deserves a scar.
It's hard she feel like she has so many already.
She don't want anymore.
She feel like she havnt given my self the full length of the pain.
Why you? Why would you even make me be like this?
You didn't love her
You wanted to steal her;
No words can describe what you've done to her.
If you seen how she feels would it bother you?
If you seen what she has to do to take the pain away would it bother you
If you seen how many tears have fallen from her face would you be bothered?
For every tear is a memory you shared
It all seemed good
It's just many visions of abuse.
I fell so hard in love with you,
It broke my heart.
I let you do what you wanted,
Just so I could have you.
You lied to me everyday,
I knew it, I didn't want to accept it.
I knew you loved me,
Just wanted your cake & to eat it to.
The connection I had with you was perfect.
Your eyes dazzled,
Your smile was as wide as the ocean.
Your touch was incredible.
Your scent was beautiful.
Your voice was perfect.
I'l never forget the day we fell in love.
Your my soul mate who I'l never get back.
I know she's not right for you.
I know you know she's not right for you.
I know she knows she will never be right for you.
If I could have it all back I'd have it now.
I miss you & everything about you.
As we walking through the streets of New York,
I looked up I could see the big bright white snow flakes falling down apon me.
I could feel the cold fresh snow on my skin in the ice crisp air.
I could hear the crunch as people was taking foot steps in the thick layer of snow around me.
I touched the soft cold crisp layer of snow which was lay upon the bright yellow taxis all parked all along the streets of New York,
I could smell nothing. I could sense the air was fresh.
This was my birthday present right? What a lie you told.
Cruel & evil.
How could you let a fifthteen year old girl believe this?
To wake up on her birthday and ruin it.
Sick women you are.
You wasn't born,
I heard your heartbeat,
I felt your little kicks.
I felt the unconditional love for you.
I seen your tiny hands,
I seen your tiny feet.
I seen your little button nose.
I dreamt about holding you.
I dreamt about sat up late at night feeding you.
I dreamt about how you would say your first word.
I dreamt about our little family.
It all got taken away all very soon.
I can't un-see what I seen.
I can't un-hear what I heard.
I can't un-feel what I felt.
I can't un-dream what I dreamt.
I love you always.
Have you ever felt the feeling of love?
The one you can't describe.
The feeling that you would do anything for them.
The feeling of upsetting them kills you inside.
The feeling of being away from them for minute is like a life time.
The feeling of caring so much for them you don't care for your self anymore.
The moment your not around them you crave,
There heart beat.
When all you physically & emotionally want is them?
I'm a lover,
Not a fighter,
Definitely not a writer.
These are words,
They have meanings.
Put them together,
They have messages.
I don't get your words,
You don't get mine.
I remember yours.
You remember mine.
Nobody needs to make sense of your words.
No matter what you feel,
No matter what you think,
Weather he understands it,
Weather she doesn't,
Write it down,
Rip it up,
Scribble it out,
Post it about.
Just get it out.
Express your self,
Express your words.
Love your thoughts
Love your feelings.
Most of all
Love your self.
You want it all your way,
You can't sit & talk.
You fight & run away.
Always about what's best for your child,
We're all one,
Not to you though.
Am I fighting a losing battle?
2 years on..
Think your laugh & smile can get you everything.