Shotgunning in the ally behind a seedy bar, sneak in the back door like under the radar

The ******* my mind, is not it the lady before me. I see the man in the mirror, but cant say that I agree.
She delivered her hit, a cold, cut blow. My knees gave way and my sight turned snow, my back hit the stall and I slid to the floor, wiped the blood from my nose and tried to stand once more.
  
I dust myself off and headed back to the bar, hoping no one would notice that I've fallen so far. I force a half smile, and say that all is well. Cause I cant just say "Hi, I'm living in Hell."  Or that I'm an empty shell, and Maybe yeah I'm my biggest problem, but who's to tell.

I want to go out, but I know I cant play. Cause no one ever gives me the ******* time of day.

So I try to forget it, if just for a while; the pain that comes out when I remember your style, your eyes your voice and the way you smile...

**** it! I don't mean to ***** but I'm still in my head. Control my emotions? Yeah, not till I'm dead.

If I end this life, will I be trapped in my dreams? They're always soo bad I wake up with a scream. Nightmares so real, they must belong to someone else, or was I awake, and there really is no help.

I sit in my car more alone than ever, with soo many ties I didn't mean to severe. But I shoulder the blame and take the hit, cause that's what yo do, this is ******* man ****. Owning the fault I can't make amends, can't believe I lost so many friends.

The rest don't seem real, and with work crashing down, if I can't end my life I should leave this town. But I'm too broke to move with nothing to look towards, so all I can do is ******* write these words.

I'll let the drugs have their way as I put an end to this day, and hope all this ***** in my head. So if I don't wake up, pray my dreams not ****** up; at least I went out in my bed. For as much as I sleep, maybe days it'll be, fore anyone knows that I'm dead.

You hit me in the heart, dead square in the chest. Wanna be a badass? put yourself to the test. Don't question me with your bullet proof vest! I'll put 2 in your head and not worry the rest.

I'll double tap when need be, but preach love is the best. I thought you you were cool, but you're just like the rest.

Don't think cause I was open, that I cant defend, cause I let you in, thinking you were a friend, that I didn't see how it could be in the end.

I might hurt for now, but I'll ******* end you. And all of those who believe that Karma is true, could only justify that what I did was due.

And when it comes to loss, no one will miss you. I know I didn't, my proofs right in plain view, everyone can see you laying there under my shoe.

I'll tell them all the tale, of how you tried and you failed... Wait, that was your plan?! So that's why I've been jailed? That's not too bad, I've no hope of bail.

I can't tell now, if its the *** or the Tears
but I cant see straight, to face my fears.
Of losing my friend of so many years

I know you're not dead, just moving away
but now so much is missing from my day to day;
I still want to call you when plans get made.

Now there's no one left who remembers the days,
when we were more than This and making the grades.
And no more drunken nights of video games.

Now there's no one left who knows what I meant,
when I laugh alone or start talking ****.
I'm just out of place / inappropriate.

People ask what I'll do when you're gone.
I crack some joke about your new cheese farm,
to hide the fact that I'm not ready to move on.

I wish you luck and all the best,
but ******* for leaving me in all of this mess!
I didn't mean to get sappy, but you get the jest.

See ya down the road buddy.

Another night out and I'm drinking alone, cause no one would join or even answer their phone.

I'll say I had a great time, but I'm The Pretender.
The high point of my night was a shot with the Bar Tender.

With Cig in my left hand, beer in my right, I sit at the bar contemplating my life.

Was it the wrong day of the wrong week? Did I use the wrong method with the wrong technique; choose wrong mix with the wrong speak?

Ignoring the scars by my open wounds, I swear I'll learn my lesson soon.

No matter the lines, You've proven my Fear: You only see reasons why You Can't be here.

I turn a phrase and you seem to smile;
but I've held those words, for quite some while.
Now I've said what I wanted, and I still feel bad.
Even more so, that I've nothing to add.

Please say something, don't turn away.
I fear the silence' lost more than this day.
I don't have any words, but you're doing no better!
How is it so hard for us to just be together?

Time passes by and there's so much that has changed,
but there's something inside that's always the same.
I picked up my phone, but held back from the call.
Not sure if its right, we ever talk at all.

Things aren't quite so black and white, as the way they seem to be.
You should know, that I know, this also applies to Me.

I'm sorry I have to be the way that I am to you.
I come across cold and that's not the truth; it was just less damage to split in our youth.

Were I as welcoming as I would like to be, we'd quickly repeat our entangled history.
That cycle is no good! We'd ruin our lives, as so many unhappy husband and wives.
To hold on as friends, it just never fails, to come the times we both feel impaled.

I miss you my friend and all that was Us, but we cant go back after all that was.
I wish you the best, but don't want to know. I really do care, this is why I must go.

I got the message you sent and you talk a big game, but when I met you later on it just wasn't the same.

You put yourself in a different light, I took notice and to my delight; the more I looked the more I liked. Now that I've fallen for you,  it seems you've changed your mind.

You can fake it till you make it, but your still a fraud to me.

I walked through the rain, so you cant tell I'm crying.
Alone with my thoughts, It just feels like I'm dying.
The road is getting longer and the pain is growing stronger.

I'm having one of those days, where nothings going my way, and I cant figure out what to do.
I got the weight of the world, my life is coming unfurled, And who the **** am I talking too?!

I walked in to a bar, sat down and had a cigar, with people that I never knew.
They were drinking their beers and fighting back tears, as I told them all about you.
I stumbled back to my car, knew I wouldn't get far, but tried my hardest to leave.

Hands on the wheel, can I stay in my lane?
I'm at 10 and 2 with a fifth to my name.

But in a blur of blue lights, a voice read me my rights;  I found myself in custody.

I wasn't always bound, but I wasn't free.

Another night I drink myself to sleep.
Don't know what it is, but I know this ain't it.
The uppers and downers drag me to the deep.
I know I need a change from this everyday ****.

Through all the smoke and pain,
This problems held in the mirror.
I see it all with the sweet disdain.
Can't help but think of all the times held dearer.

When I think of all that has to give, I wonder what it takes to truly live.
Should I find myself again; would you think to love me then?
Cause if I can't, why should you, and if that's true, what will I do?
If it's not, what did I miss? Cause clearly what you wanted wasn't this.

As I studied the verse and chorus, it would seem your more into the rhythm.
I built my world to include an Us. But it would seem that yours includes a hymn.
At 3am, behind a cig and stiff drink, I can't help but wonder what it is that you think.

If I work toward my dreams, would I be the man that you think of.
After all I've been through, what I want the most really is love.
In my mind, that's you, but what do I know that's true?

While I'm drunk and alone, I sit by the phone, waiting for a sign that is you.
Cause all that I know, says I'm just growing old, and simply put this wont do.

No one is talking, but so much is said. We were gonna stay here but were leaving instead. We both set off but theres just one thing, were going our separate ways, not the same. 

They may feed you the lines and fill you with wine, but know that your just their pawn. Soon you'll remember that I was the one, You made your choice and now Im gone.

Morning is a Consequence Id rather not face alone

The hotel floor is my home, cause I couldnt make it sober to bed. Stumbled in and passed out, the ***** straight to my head. The night becomes faded, As this girl becomes jaded the same.  

Summer lighting flashes, and only Miami knows

Wake up late in the evening, hungover and believeing, that Id never put myslef through that again. The highway is roaring and the girl is still snoreing, I sit and wait for my ship to come in.

The rain has picked up and the wind has started blowing,
I keep walking this path, but Ive no way of knowing

A cold breeze blows and the rain dies down,
such a busy city and not a soul around.
Been walking for miles and Im soaked to the bone.
So far from anything; so close to home.

I look up and see this viscus dark, that covers our modern world.
What once was pure as Country heart, where the stars did seem unfurled.
Tis more the time in which we reside, than positions between the tides.

For simpler times with half a mind, or computers smarter than I?
Its so hard to decide, should we even choose sides?
We all lie within the sights.

From Darkened Knights to proxy bytes; Our combat hasn't changed much at all.
The monsters we created have simply updated; They'll soon have us ready to fall.

Our technologies lights seem to blur human rights.
Before you take up your arms or try to do harm; who is really there to fight?

You call me in tears with the tales of your woes, and ***** about stress in your life.
When I compare your stories to those of my own, they all seem to pale in the light.

Forgive my lack of empathy,  I've not your means to escape.
All I have are these six steel strings and the occasional too much to drink.

I'll also sit in the dark, with the occasional spark, to float on my own cloud;
While I sit in the studio and play my music, with the volume far too loud.

So crank up the amps, lose yourself in the sound,
drown out the world, and have another round;  Cause were pouring for keeps...

(*******)

***** and Blues are my nights anymore,
since ages a figure dared darkened my door.
Now memories of shadows, move only to haunt.

Lightning cracks across the sky, thunder shakes my soul.
The Bass line cranks, Reverbs and Distorts, Echos beyond control
Candle light flickers as my drinks get stiffer;
another bottle that could not console.
The power goes out and I'm left with a doubt, that makes me realize I'm just growing old.

Now the Scotch is gone and its getting near dawn.
I should really be getting to bed;
while the sound of the rain, can drown out all the same;
of the things going on in my head.

An hour of sleep, only to meet, a dream that wakes in a gasp.
But this is a fright that wont win this night, for there's still some left in my flask.

Im gonna mic this **** up and EQ it out, make the speakers ring now so we can scream and shout, and it wont feedback; till you hear "Back in Black", when the bass line hits all across the pan, and I redline that **** cause its my ******* Jam.

Peaking dBs on all of the meters. Blowing out the cabs and frying the tweeters. We smashed our guitars so let the keg flow. How else would you end a ******* awesome show?

Watch the roadies pack up, but give them respect. They do a lot more than you woud ever expect.

An after party now and were burning it down. Stumble back to the bus and to the next town. To start it all over for another go round.

Headlights jumped the curb, all you can see is a blur. Your heart stops cold and time slows down.  You swerve off the road as the car spins round.

Calm in the moment, now you take your breath. Realizing how close you just came to death. I find myself sitting on the side of the street, I think I'm alive by the racing heartbeat.  

The rain pours down a deafening sound, not that it matters, there's no one around. That ****** drove off when I could be down. Now I'm ******* that he's driving the town, while I was so very close to being upside down, probably dead on the ground.

But I pull my **** together and swallow the pain, cause no one else cares what almost became.

The fight avoided is already won, but don't count me out another way.
Is it the stronger man that lives with his sins, or he that can call it a day?

The deck is stacked and there's no more begins.
Like Russian Roulette, played fully packed;

The house always wins.

To hang with my crew, any day of the week, would leave 21yr old me, in the bathroom on his knees.
Wether we chill in the lot with a Rapper blowing trees, or moonlight the bar with lap dances and whiskey.

5am, 'In The Air', single mom feeling naughty
Next thing I knew, was at the afterparty.
Hooked up till dawn, but cant tell nobody.
Haven't shaved in a week, cant remember last sleep.
Ask me where I was and you'll never hear a peep.

Head home for an hour, change of clothes and a shower
Then back to work, cause the wicked get no rest
My tire explodes, Im on the side of the road,
and Im dressed to be sat at a desk.
Catch my breath screaming '****!', **** near hit by a truck,
as now rain pours down in my face.

Tore my shirt and late for work, *******! do I hate this place.
Now the hours feel like years, till I again have some beers and get back to where I feel like me.

6am in the bar, and just lit my cigar, and the bottle it seems is empty.
Lather, rinse and repeat, cause its only midweek
And this is how I know to mend.
What is my life? **** if I know, but a ShitShow you'd pay to attend.

Behind each drag of my cigarette, I think about the years that I've got left. And where I've gotten (not) so far, I try to drown out, sitting at the bar.

Thinking bout my friend that I just buried, and another who said that he's getting married. All the family drama that's going on, and this chick at the bar that I couldn't take home.

I'm Worried bout my job that's a *******, and how I don't have a thing if I ******* lost it.

Then there's this girl that's a perfect fit. Problem is, to her I don't exist.
Except that I do, but just a friend. And so I know will be my end.  There's nothing new around the bend. I'd give it all for a chance to mend.

But that's not to be, as cracks run deep. I'd simply settle for some decent sleep. But sow as I may, I'll just never reap, for truth be told, they say I'm a creep.

So many times, I knew you'd be in my life;
my first car, out of school, a new job and a wife.

My first job just started today.
I know its not much, but its paving the way.

Just branching out, to make it on my own.
I wish you could see me in my brand new home.

But you're not here, its just me and my beer, and I **** sure wont be sober.
Cause try as I might, I remember the night, They told me "visiting hours are over".

Its hard to explain after all these years, how it seem so easy that I break down in tears.

I always thought that You'd be here with me; it never occurred that You just wouldn't be.

As I stand by your graveside, a train whistle blows. The wind picks up and the sky is a glow.

So many things I was longing to say.
I hope you are right, that well meet again someday.

Your words inspired, to persevere,
to push through pain and ignore all the fear.
You made it look easy, even offered a hand.
Showing me how to be more of a man.

We all have our demons, but yours never showed.
You simply encouraged me, on down the road.
If only I'd asked, then maybe I'd known;
What made YOU think, that you couldn't go on.

I try to imagine why you Hung around;
even how long till the cops cut you down.

-RIP Friend
TH

Who am I;
to say to you that what you believe could never be true. Would you look at all the facts that Im showing to you, instead of walking away with that narrow minded view. Since youve got all the answers, tell me, Who am I to you

Who hears all of your stories, when you just need to complain
Who picks up the pieces, when all you have is pain
I am there when you are lonely, but that doesnt seem to do.
Why dont you just ******* tell me, who am I to you

Am I temporary or just for show
Are you stuck with me, but dont want to say so
Does it matter to you, if I stay or go
If I dont ask now, will I ever know