i call her my dream
so outer-worldly she seems
danger in her eyes
that wild stare
the way she hides behind her hair
if only she knew the amount of times
i have thought of caressing her sun-kissed thighs
the way she moves
in tune with her own groove
unique is what she is
but me, i lack courage
to confess these feelings
stored in my chest, for i can
avoid looking a mess
afraid, i am not what she expects
in a lover,
but i am more than any other
for her i would drop to my knees
as my angel i plead
for her constant love and affection
because she is all i need
cherub, i can’t help but admire you
my grandest desire, i would do anything to pursue.

i'm craving
feigning, misbehaving
driven by lust
recalling their touch, temptation
their words, actions
manipulation
the way i am careless
i am even more dangerous
as my lovers' lips part
writhing, i am prepared for the breaking of my heart
as they ******, my insecurities fade
i see them around, they look the other way
one after another, i'm always left ashamed
lover after lover, romanticizing my pain

insufficiency
is the only thing i see
when i look inside
and even if i cry
my heart is still full
heavy with doubt, pitiful
i can't stand the way i am
i can change, i know i can
but it's so hard
why does everything have to be so hard?
i don't forgive i can't forget
i can't love i don't regret
my chest tightens
the trauma i'm hiding
it is becoming too hard to bear
God show me who is there
because it feels like there isn't
anyone else who cares

internally, i'm screaming
oh my God, oh my God
i'm so ******* alone, i am alone
no one to trust or talk to
lost and without a home
i tried to isolate myself for growth
i played myself, where the **** do i go?
i am empty, an abyss
no one to care for or miss
the people around me
are so ******* draining
these vessels are soulless holes
you fill their thoughts and
there is still no hope
where the **** am i?
where does my heart reside?
i have lost it somewhere in the sheets
of all the lovers i've come to meet
my heart has no home
i am alone

inhale
prayer, thought, affirmation
exhale
trauma, negativity, self-doubt
i don't escape my reality with this meditation
i reveal my truths with this medication
that most refer to as a sin
the healthiest drug there has ever been
we are all elevated as we come
but to be aware was achievable on this drug
my fears, nonexistent
the people around me, inconsistent
as they come and go
i will never feel alone
i am the only one who stays
not even the smoke remains
intellect, experience, and emotion
contemplated in slow motion

i’m not enough
for myself
especially not anyone else
im out of love
it has fled me like white doves
i crave passion
i crave action
even while we’re laughing
there’s still something lacking
between me and you
i feel blue
i’m always in a bad mood
i want you to understand me
but i don’t even know what or who i can be

how many emotions can you define?
anger
the sounds of the hits against my chest and face
the look in his eyes i ******* despised
sadness
i try sobbing but my throat is so dry after the
hours i have spent crying
shame
remains left in bruises and scars on my body
i have to hide and lie about
disgust
heavy breathing of an unwanted man between my thighs
groping my flesh, goosebumps raising on my skin
envy
petty stares from the ones he betrayed me with
they were beautiful i must admit
anxious
my body, **** for him on display
nothing compared to the others he'd seen this way
patience
lovers may come and go
and i have much more to know
reflection
isolation is necessary
find comfort in your natural being
love
time is sacred
my heart is fragile
kindness
whether strangers or part time lovers remain
negativity will never reign
happiness
running into a field but away from nothing
teeth gleaming in the sun
eyes bright, able to overcome