i wanna know what love is
i speak of what's beyond it a lot
but there's something i've forgot
is it doing anything for someone
even if it hurts, unconditional
is it an agreement to settle down and
quit ******* other people
i wanna know what true friendship is
do you fall in love with them too
or are you only present when they're feeling blue
love is a rush of dopamine and oxytocin
but to me its a loss of innocence
after you love, beyond it is what you forget
and i don't believe in regrets,
but if i look at what is left
there is nothing left.

who am i?
i am small, blunt, and brown
i am loud, afraid and can stand my ground
who do i want to be?
everything, but me
i am scared of the Earth and its people
petrified by their actions and how they’ll feel
once they really know me and my faults, my
flaws, my fears, and insecurities
they are the thoughts in my heart that won’t go away
i want them to go away
if they don’t leave, will i be able to love again?
if i love again, how will they be able to abstain
and not fill up my brain causing me
once more the immense pain
of breaking my own heart before someone else can
i was once as strong as a lion,
yet now as fragile as a lamb
who am i?
i am so different, it’s hard to understand
where my hopes resided, is now a different land
one where i was once happy and satisfied
i am now alone and sad inside
who do i want to be?
who i once was before,
but my circumstances have changed
what i once was, i am not able to obtain
who am i?
i am bright, passionate, and strong
i can heal, overcome, and even sing a song
only i have the power to grow and
be better than i have ever been
doubting myself is my grandest sin
my faults, my flaws, my fears, and insecurities
are all the things that make me unique
who do i want to be?
myself, no one else because loving
yourself is the greatest wealth
you can achieve in this life many perceive as hell
but once you manifest love into your
being and understand your sorrows
you’ll look forward to every tomorrow
not having to ask again, “who am i?”

after you left
i seen you in one of my dreams
you told me, “be courageous”
now isn’t it outrageous
that to this day i still can’t get over this
but yet i still never wish
for you to come back to me
to be by my side, actually,
in a way i am glad you are gone
because then i wouldn’t be so strong,
but most days i look around
“what about your dad?”, i frown
“he is dead”, i say
automatically clenching my fists
ready for the stares and remarks of disdain
and when someone is brave enough to ask
i tell them you put a bullet through your brain
living with you, a schizophrenic
i had to comprehend your impulsive scenes and
understand the end just had to happen
because with a family like yours
we all needed a valuable lesson
so when you told me, “be courageous”,
i realized what i once thought was so dangerous
feeling so much i couldn’t breathe
crying so much i didn’t want to see
that i desperately needed you here with me
courageous in the way i could be
brave enough to face my fears
and never wish you were still here
yes, i forgot the sound of your voice,
but i still remember your cologne of choice
i am thankful for the time we shared
because even if you’re not there,
at least i can say i did once have a father who cared.

sometimes i think i am going crazy
when i’m having a conversation the words always seem a little hazy
their voices, phrases start to fade and jumble
and even when i walk my limbs feel like they want to fumble
and fall and i have a fear of it all
do i act like its nothing and continue to stall
or should i speak up and get some help
but if i talk i feel like my lips start to melt
i smoke, drink, or cry to get rid of all these feelings
but harming myself more wont heal me
i built a world inside of my head where everything is perfect
so perfect that when it came to reality i began to neglect
what was really happening inside of my head
all of my fears, needs, and desires were beginning to be misread
i became so immersed in my pain
i didn’t realize that chemical imbalance in my brain
slowly started to deteriorate my mental health
where i felt getting what i wanted will always be my only form of wealth
i crave what i lack
but i mostly crave the emotions i can’t bring back
i live in the past and fear the present
walking through people i always start to resent
i am afraid, i am afraid, i am afraid
of myself and the harm that i am causing
to my heart and i am sorry
but it takes time to stitch your own wounds
and i hope i get to see another full moon.

i had never felt so insecure
by the man who was meant to make me feel secure
after a while my voice, my choices, weren't enough
and with more time passing i was scared he wasn't in love
with my fragile heart, loud laugh, and sad eyes
i was so scared with everything i would realize
was i too deep, too soft, too much of everything?
is that why he prefers anything other than me?
because with time a kiss became equivalent to a fist
and as he changed i couldn't help but wish
if only things never changed
i just want it to be the same
but we never really get what we want most of the time
even though i want back what once was mine
God drew me back into my sadness
and i don't know what i did to deserve this

we're all going to die
it's a fact, simple as that
no matter who or what we believe in, we're all meant to leave and
even though it hurts, sometimes there are things much worse
sometimes people leave you behind, while you're both still alive
or sometimes people are forced to suffer trying to survive
many of us find comfort in the lies of the after life
but i feel if God is actually real death is something you're not supposed to feel
they say Earth and Reality are cruel but maybe it's just us acting like fools
we're all going to die
if that is our destiny, why do we treat it as our enemy?
if that is the only thing truly meant to be, why do we still promise eternities?
death is supposed to be beautiful, life isn't meaningful
in a universe where the only living matter does not matter
instead of being afraid of death, it's something we have to accept
we're all going to die.

i almost grasped the true meaning of satisfaction when you laid your hands gently on my hips
then you laid me down gracefully and kissed my lips
then i questioned myself why would i ever ask for anything more than this?
and i still think back to the first time we kissed
and how after that your touch had such an effect on me, i just can't resist
you caress me with your voice and fulfill my heart, which was once an empty abyss,
with never ending desire and adoration, leaving me in a state of complete bliss
i find it hard to think of all those enchanting moments and not reminisce
and it's hard to think of you and not notice
how whenever i'm with you i can't focus
i crave you so hard i tend to forget the risks
of wanting so much, without you i couldn't exist
because as time passed, the feelings you once had desist
just as the world wanted, there i go falling into another one of God's tricks