i feel damaged
lost and confused
i don't really know
what's important to me
i'm like liquid
flowing one direction to the next
what is a priority?
what do i spend my time doing?
what do i focus on?
i don't even know.
is it exercise? or to love myself?
self-care? learning a coding language?
should i strive to be "the best,"
even though i don't know what that is?
should i compare myself to my ex
who was always "perfect"
and try to out do everything he does?
should i focus on my religion
my faith, beaten and battered,
barely existing anymore?
or should i search for a partner
to put all my burdens on
just to end up used and heart broken?
should i go to therapy
like everyone tells me to
so i can pay money off my insurance
for someone to invalidate me
constantly being triggered
as i try to find the "right one"
should i focus on my family,
or rather, leaving this chaotic house
this messy marriage i witness
should i keep applying to jobs
just to be ignored
over and over again?
should i post things online
for them to get no views
and leave me feeling embarrassed
like there's no point in trying
anything in life anymore.
or should i just do
whatever the hell i want
and see where it takes me?
base things off my
ever-confusing, painful emotions
so i can just feel
a little bit of pleasure
i just select
a couple of things i feel are important
and stick to a consistent routine
and doing that
had really made me feel
rigid.

but what else am i to do?

Im so tired.

Im going after things
I thought I wanted
I feel *****
My tongue is dry
I dont know who i am anymore
I dont know how im going to make it

and then i wonder, what was the point of ever opening my heart in the first place
no first kiss, in the first place,
reminisce about the things that were wrong in the first place

something tells me that i shouldn't, but maybe i just should
i already knew you wouldn't
there's no chance that you would
in the first place

i don't wanna go back
in the first place
i didn't even wanna live
in the first place
i just wanna fall back
into the sky
i wish i could fall
right into heaven
that's the first place

the first place
i was in
the first place
i ever sinned
i always lose
i never win
i want to end
so that i can begin

the first place
i ever lost
the first pain
i ever caused
i am exhausted
i first started falling
when we first met
and the crash and burning
it leaves me withered
thinking of the first thing
i can't forget.

longing,
singsonging,
and not feeling
any belonging
no consequences
for any the wronging

not feeling belonging
always do the wrong thing
everything is song sing
tired of these long things
waiting for so long i linger
licking on my *******

always sing song but no singer

Can't say that I'm glad
that you don't know what we had,
is it something good or bad?
I find myself becoming mad.

In our past life, and in our future
I would've gave you so much more
since you wanna penny pinch with your heart,
I'll take nothing more.

Take me away,
from this terrible place,
can't understand how this is made of love
and I know we'll never make love.

when will I have sweet love
he looks into my eyes
and stares so deep
knowing I am the one
it all feels
like a perfect song
and the blissful emotions
rise and fall
as all I've ever wanted
falls right into my hands.

when will I be taken care of
when will I be
given everything
that no one ever gave me
when will someone love me
without hurting me
when will they say
"I love you"
and mean it?

when will I feel safe
to share my body
and sexuality
with another person
when will I
be able to relax
because he doesn't
make me feel any stress
when will I have
to not worry
about my safety
or constantly check
to see if I'm
being manipulated
when will I
be finally be able
to lower my defenses

when will I
stop feeling hopeless
scared
when will I
feel what it's like
to be inside my body
and not feel insecure
not feel men
look me up and down
like thirsty dogs
trying to aggressively
have *** with me

when will I be happy
when will I have
this love
that lasts forever
that makes me feel
like a little sun
is inside my heart
burning all the
darkness away

and when
will I have
someone accept me
for who I am
the fact that
I'm ****** up
I have mood swings
I get angry
sometimes
I age regress
back into
a child
I have kinks
that are weird
I do the opposite
of what I say
because it's hard
for me to be vulnerable
I have a history
of abuse
and being manipulated
over and over again
I feel tired
and overwhelmed
I am so
sick and tired
of being strong
for everyone else
and taking care
of everything by myself
all the ******* time
but then
being told
that I'm too much.

when will I
attract someone
that is handsome
so I don't
have to feel like
I always have to settle
and then made guilty
cause "looks don't matter"
"be grateful"
none of these dudes
are in my league.

and that's why
they're always
cheating on me.

when will I
have to stop wondering
and fantasizing
about all these things?
when will it not
leave knots in my heart
in my stomach
when I see
a happy couple
holding hands
and it brings me to tears
because I wish I had that
so badly.

I prayed for it
it makes me cry
and hurt
it looks
so effortless
they're smiling
and holding hands
and I just
want to know
the secret
I just
want to know
what's wrong with me
I just
want to know
how long it will take

I just
want to know
when it will happen.

i remember
when you said
you were going to marry me
and i really thought
you were the one