An apology to me
Will probably help to set you free
After all these years without me
You think I care what you could be
You think I sit and wonder where and what it is you see?
I let you go four years ago
Give or take a month or two
I walked away because you asked me to
I'm here today because I'm asking you
Please go away let's not be nasty too
You did not think about your actions dude
Nothing's changed you're still a dramatic tool
And I don't care that you think surfings cool
I don't care about your grades in school
I'm still aware
you think I'm still a fool
I won't be there
So please beware
This is the last I want to hear from you

& I have not forgotten all the things
That cut me like the knife you pulled
And every day with you still stings
Nine stitches couldn't mend this wound

I am not the love you thought you had
You can tell your shrink you're sad
Or go home to your girlfriend
And get your rent paid by her dad

One ****** lunch four years too late
was not enough to conquer hate
Won't make up for all the other ****** lunch
I used to pay for while you ate

I'm not bitter but I remember
The messages you'd send her
How you knew you could do better
I bet now you might regret her
Is that why you sent me a letter?
I haven't paid attention since that year in November
Our time together was just a useless ******
Like Substance abuse your shame lasts forever
And now you're sorry like a selfish alcoholic
But you still drink so what do we call it
I've got an idea, how bout the past?
Time of death is half past four
I just heard the doctor call it

I can't even catch my breath as I try to connect all the dots and the thoughts while I tried to direct I forgot what I want so I sit and dissect what I've got it's a lot but I digress-

the future is what's next but I'm living in the moment, unfinished puzzle pieces don't connect there's nothing
left
but that means I've never ever been more right
Or laid eyes on such a perfect sight
If I lost my sense tonight
I wouldn't even put up a fight
Because the best is all that's next
My destiny manifests
I don't have to choose or guess
And the spots I thought were not important are really all I've got and man this life is not a nightmare but a dreamy twisted plot
it's as if I'm breaking free and seeing me I'm lifted in the air and viewing from above and man this life I've seen was new and filled with love
But here I am again I'm lifted high above your head and
I never knew a safer place than feeling close to death
But now I want to live right here with all of you beside me
and now I want to love the new with all the heart inside me
And all the air inside my lungs I couldn't catch before
Exasperated gasps expel a love I can't ignore
Connect the dots collect your thoughts move closer to the door
direct your wants
your haves and have nots
You're onto something more

I pulled my muscle
Reaching out
It didn't hurt right away
But I slept it off
And what do you know
It's worse the second day
And every time I try to
Reach back the same old way
I'm reminded that
My muscles might never be the same

I didn't stretch enough I guess
I didn't warm up before I played
I've made this exact same mistake before
So I feel stupid
Insecure
I can't reach you now and never did
The worst part is that's true
You saw the look
In my eye
As the muscle-
The one attached to my heart
That makes it beat faster
That makes it heal faster
Lost a little strength
Lost a little power
It Still works ok
I'll be ok
I said it
This pain it never really lasts that long
Right?

It just snapped
It couldn't bare
The weight of all the work it took to open my mouth and open my eyes and stretch out  my arms
It couldn't do all the things at once
I didn't know it at the time
Like I said
I'll be just fine

You're not a doctor
You don't even have ice
But I thought
-I hoped
You might be nice
Kiss the pain away
Just like my mom would

And now I'm handicapped and
broken from reaching out to you and
my hand was left just hanging between
you and me and true

You were sand in my hand
And you slipped just like you were made to do
Each grain flowing through
The grip of my fingers
Five four three One two
I tighten the grasp on the last remaining few
If I pick you back up
You're not the same handful I once knew

I hold on to those pieces
To me they're the world
Even when I let go
You cling To my skin
You hold on to each finger
Each crease of
Each toe
I throw you away and
Away you will go

A day in your world
Leaves me sandy for months
I get in my car
And I'm reminded of your bliss
And saddened all the same
Put my shorts on one more time
This summer is almost gone too
And I'm reminded of the day I carved in you my name
It's just not the same

What if instead I just kept you
Contained you forever someplace safe
But what's more depressing than sand in a bottle
Never knowing the ocean could take you away
Never understanding the sweetest escape

Maybe I'll build you a castle
A moat along side to protect you
It won't last forever and surely
You'll slowly break down
All my hard work will diminish
The moment I'm finished
The river I built you is where you will drown
Oh what a tragic place
it is to live
And love and learn by the sea

You were the sand in my hand
Or the hourglass itself
And though time ticks away
And steady flowing pace
I leave you feeling youthful
Regenerated
Shiny and new

But the breeze from the seas
Makes you turn on me
And now you're a single painful grain
Shattering my eye
My vision is blurry
And now I might cry

In fact I have to shed a tear
To get you to leave and
I never even wanted you there in the first place

The airs getting cold
We are all getting old
I'm starting to feel
Like the beach is the worst place

To begin

it's like all the sudden i just start to hear
voices
and they're asking me to make different
choices
they ask the What
and the Where
and most importantly How
i just
stop
and i just stare
i'm tryin to figure my **** out
but its the
Why
that always gets to me
i always try
to just let it be
but the voices keep on asking me
what the hell do you think this will be?
do you think they see you differently?
think they'd show you what you wanna see?
you're the same and its a tragedy
says the voice who thinks i cannot be
but they never ask the
Who
like its never me-
its you
the voice just comes from out the blue
if what i'm hearing isn't true
then what's a girl supposed to do

cuz i can't see the voices in the head
the reason is i can't pretend
and like a finger hovers over send
thoughts linger like a lonely friend
the mirror is the only friend
revealing feelings like they're just a trend
and the What and the Where
become the reason we are here
because the Why
could make you high
like the How
can make you sigh
and like the Who
just made you cry
and the When becomes forever
if right nows the only time

if timing
were like rhyming
i'd be so slick
with the quick
it'd make you sick
how fast you'd fall
for me
like the apple
comes right off the tree

if timing
were like climbing
i'd grab the nearest rock i could
go higher than i thought i could
use strength i never knew i had
it'd never have to be this bad

if timing had an explanation
would we worry about expiration
would we find another fascination
would we tell ourselves to be more patient?