like a spaceship through the cosmos
i am endlessly searching for myself
and being an astronaut in a new planet's oceans
i am drowning in the current
search my body and find me in the caves
with chipped teeth and three broken ribs
knocked out on the rocks of what i once was
my head is pounding and my dreams feel real
but i am not real
and this is not real
i stand on the precipice of who i am now
and who i used to be
and soon i'll be slipping on tumbleweeds and broken promises
soon to fall
soon to be falling
soon to be fallen

*(a.m.c.)

you have
your nicotine fingers
running through my hair
and i have
frequencies reaching
ten thousand times my limit
because your eyes
are moons
and my mouth
is lavender
the flowers you picked me
are in a whiskey bottle
on my front porch
they haven't died yet
and neither have i
for i have been standing
somewhere between
salvation and corruption
and i don't know where to step

*(a.m.c.)

this swirling romance of life
caught me up in its tendrils
and what did i become
but fire,
an energy that consumes
that destroys from nothing,
from a moment caught on spark
and ash.
warmth loves all that is living
the sun is far too close for us to be cold,
to live something frantic and brittle
and broken
we are too alive for salvation,
for heartache and bruise,
we are consumed in ourselves
and in our flame.
we are humans too beautiful
for destruction
too alive for loving
too loving to live.
call yourselves kings and queens
sons and daughters
royalty
pick up your gemstones
call it electricity
and rule.

*(a.m.c.)

i am still awake at 5:35 am
and it's burning like a flame inside of me
but this time it feels so warm
and i'm grinning
with my dead teeth
and this cigarette high has lasted hours
i can't believe that god may still be there
my lungs may hurt but at least i'm feeling
at least i'm alive and breathing
even with broken lungs
even with mad eyes
and drunken breath
i'm alive
i'm breathing

*(a.m.c.)

do not ask me how i am
unless you want me to spill
coffee all over your lap
unless you want burnt lips
and bruised hands
do not tell me i'll be okay
because do you really think
my ***** hair and broken glasses,
my chipped tooth and poison mouth
are going to be okay?
do not romanticize smoking
a pack of cigarettes a day
do not pretend skinny
is beautiful
do not cut yourself
for attention
it's not the same
it's not the same

*(a.m.c.)

i never thought i’d become
this hollowed out reckless person
this empty canvas and storm of a girl
i wanted to be a storm but not the kind i’ve become
because right now i’m destroying too much
of what i once loved
and i want to be rain that makes the flowers grow
rain that ends in a rainbow
rain that you dance in and kiss in and laugh in
rain that you pray for after months of drought
i wanted to be that rain
instead i am hurricane and tornado and destruction
and right now i’m killing off everything i once was
i don't want to destroy anymore
i want to make things grow

*(a.m.c.)

they say that everything nice
ends up killing you
and i think it's true
because i am a cigarette
slowly filling your lungs
and blackening them with my breath
i am a sedative to your anxieties
i am deadly and dangerous
but lovely
i am a nicotine kiss on your lips with fire
i am your bad habit and your addiction
i'll drag you out of bed
in the middle of the night
and i wanted to believe in god
but i couldn't pray with tobacco-stained lips
and a bottle of whiskey in my hand

*(a.m.c.)