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Nov 2015 · 445
{to our demons}
abby Nov 2015
aren't we all a little bit hazy
a little bit destructible in the mornings?
after the battles we've fought,
our bones are heavy and we
feel the weariness weighing
down on our skin.
all we want is rest,
to sleep in a safe room
with the people we love.
to feel warmth on our faces once again,
to rejuvenate our tired eyes
so that we can get up again and tell our demons,
"i'm still here and i'm going to keep on fighting."

*(a.m.c.)
abby Nov 2015
your hands are gospel, writing history
with your fingertips and whispering
prayers up and down my spine
i called you my ravenous wildebeest, and i
said it with a smile painting my lips, but
you are everything wild,
thorny, and carnivore.
you're gonna eat me up with texas-sized
teeth and leave me a carcass in the
desert. but i don't mind
i want to be bone for you,
bare.
i think that maybe your bigness is going
to consume me
until i'm a star-soaked black hole
set me on fire, douse me in gasoline
make all the blood rush to my head
because kid, you're a firecracker
and i've always been in love with explosion.

*(a.m.c.)
Oct 2015 · 526
{a letter to my lost love}
abby Oct 2015
soon enough, baby, you will be okay
i know you'll learn to love yourself
just as i did, remember to breathe
take in joy and breathe out the pain.
i know things get bad
and don't hate yourself for that
give yourself time to truly feel everything
cry, scream, kick, and curse
because sometimes life hurts
after that though, laugh a little
it helps i promise.
take a shower and rinse, rinse, rinse
sometimes when you smell your clean body
you feel cleaner on the inside.
remember to eat, baby, i know it's hard
but i'm not there to remind you anymore
remember i love you, baby, i always will

*(a.m.c.)
Oct 2015 · 347
{in pieces}
abby Oct 2015
i can still taste the lightning clinging to your lips
all of your sharp edges and corners
left me as a big red bruise
you are spark and i'm your ash
we used to sing to pink floyd and the strokes
but now my record player is the soundtrack
to my lonely bedroom
we were we were we were
did you know? i gave you my whole self
i told you to be careful and you promised
(a thousand of them) that brokenness is never
something you intend to give me
so why did you drop it?
you dropped me and i shattered
like my mother's favorite casserole dish
everyone says red is the most powerful color
and now i see why
you sang red songs and kissed red kisses,
you touched me with red fingertips
until i was a burning red sun
red is something that breaks,
you are someone who destroys.
i am wrecked.

*(a.m.c.)
Sep 2015 · 448
{i am trying to cope}
abby Sep 2015
sitting on a curb in the rain,
i was addicted to nicotine and silver linings
always clasping my hands in prayer
for some ghost to take me.
in your genes i see firecracker windowpanes,
dosed in gasoline
your bruises were blessed by catholic priests
and the saints were singing your praises
sitting on church rooftops and asking
questions like,
"what's this pulsing in my chest?"
you told me it's god, like an ocean inside of me
no longer rotten and bruised.
for some reason i can't let go of you
with your tainted lips and scabby elbows
i drink you up out of dripping faucets
thirsty and wild-eyed
always craving more.
you used to be lightness, you know
like deep breaths and wind on leaf
lately you've let yourself absorb into black
where is your face?
where are your hands?
where have you gone?

*(a.m.c.)
Aug 2015 · 6.2k
{sunkissed}
abby Aug 2015
you were nowhere on the weather forecast
a sudden storm that left me soaked
i loved the chill you sent through my bones
and the water cleansing my sadness.
i asked you three months ago if i was worth it
and you told me i make you feel dizzy
you were high but i know you meant it
and i think you're crazy for loving me.
all i want is you in my bones
and to feel the warmth of every one of your kisses
every single day of my life
you've turned me into something better.
there are still days when i can't get out of bed
and the thin lines on my wrists are a little more prominent
but you have become my home
where everything is sunkissed and light.

*(a.m.c.)
can you tell i'm in love
abby Jul 2015
my lungs are full of smoke
and the smell of your skin
and this ocean that i'm sinking in
is a million less tears
and a thousand more you's
you caught me like a shark
all gnashing teeth
and blood stained skin
i was wild and frail
deaf and blind
until you filled my hands with roses
and whispered into my ear
"i'm here."

*(a.m.c.)
Jul 2015 · 400
{weak}
abby Jul 2015
things will start to get better for you
when you unhook yourself from your machines
lie on the floor and let saltwater drip from your eyes
let your insides melt away into your coffee mug
stained with orange lipstick and whiskey morning breath
you cannot simply contain all of your sadness
in the box inside your chest, even when your initials
are engraved on the lid in gold and coated in velvet
that is no place for weaknesses to hide
they should appear as ghosts in your crooked smiles
and racing heartbeat, shaky limbs and cold fingers
don’t lock them up with a brass key
but let them dance around on your windowsill
when the evening light casts shadows on the walls
they might make people laugh
with yesterday’s jokes and heartfelt kisses
don’t swallow them whole and keep them to yourself,
accept the wrongs and the rights
walk with them in the moonlight
and let them be seen

*(a.m.c.)
Jul 2015 · 367
{moons}
abby Jul 2015
i wasn't a full moon when you met me
and there's nothing to howl at here
i was in the midst of waxing away,
ready to disappear from the sky
and stop the ocean's gears from turning.
you could've fit me on the tip of your thumb nail
small enough for the change in your wallet
spent on dollar cone icecreams and donut shops
i was easy to miss if you just glanced over me
but for some reason your eyes stopped.
you fit me in the palm of your hand and kissed me
making my ***** mouth flourish into something big
i'm starting to fit into my twin-sized bed a little better
and because you stopped and looked at me
you've made me into a full moon.

*(a.m.c.)
Jul 2015 · 277
{you have set me ablaze}
abby Jul 2015
you have set me ablaze
in the most beautiful, red and gold way
i've never burnt this much
for so long
usually i'm just a mixture
of a living room fire on christmas eve
and the flame on your kitchen stove
but ever since i met you
i have become a forest fire,
dangerously close to home
bright and burning and warm
all you do is pour more gasoline
and fan the flames
until i'm destroying cities and buildings
with all my glittering sunlight

*(a.m.c.)
i haven't written in a long time and i've been trying to write about you but it's so hard to write about what makes me happy. this is the closest i can get.
May 2015 · 229
{it is well}
abby May 2015
good things don't come to those who wait
they come to those who take the sun out of the sky
put it in their mouths and swallow it whole
drink your coffee and ice your wounds
heal the stitches in your chest
take deep breaths and tell yourself
it is well it is well it is well
your swelling pride will take over and
soon you will love yourself, i promise
some day kid,
you must love yourself

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 277
{did i do my job?}
abby May 2015
i am only a collection
of banged up passion
and a thousand cigarette butts
because i didn't know
you were so big
and i was supposed to be
so small
i thought i could take up space
but apparently i am the liquor
in your bottle
only a fluid that you drink
only something to give you warmth

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 765
{genetically speaking}
abby May 2015
genetically speaking you are a cluster of stars
a forest where people go to breathe
a crashing wind and interlaced fingers
on a hot summer day
you are sweaty palms
and a beating heart,
crashing and burning
because you are a comet
and everyone is wishing on you
thinking of shooting stars and big red bruises

genetically speaking i think i'm in love with you
because i'm alive on this small rock in the universe
hoping and breathing and wishing next to you
with wide eyes and hunger pains
i think i've swallowed the moon accidentally
because the pit of my stomach feels heavy
and my mouth is dry with unkissed kisses
sift through the dirt inside of my mouth
and maybe you will find
small flakes of gold

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 300
{i am, i am, i am}
abby May 2015
you are getting so close to being you
it's like a word on the tip of your tongue
the smell of rain before a storm
electricity raising the hairs on your arms
you are becoming your own wonderful storm
and it's windy and it's rainy and that is all you
because you have the power to change everything
happiness is not a warm gun
but minty fresh breath and sunrise phone calls,
wandering on the beach on a sunday morning
and the sound of waves crashing onto your toes
let the rain soak through your sad bones
and wake up the life inside of you
because you have so much to live for
and so much you to be

*(a.m.c.)
"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart, I am, I am, I am." -Sylvia Plath
abby May 2015
how do you stop your throat from burning
from salty tear-stained gulps and gasps
for oxygen that is no longer there?
there is too much carbon dioxide in the air now
and i want to fast forward into a world
where i can breathe in sweet helium
and ask for it to stop.
because there are times
when it's impossible to breathe
and when my puffy red eyes
can't open more than a millimeter
because you have glued them shut
with your accusations.
i didn't want to be gas station concrete any longer
i didn't want dirtiness to be my middle name
i only wanted to cleanse myself of you and your fists,
you and your laughter
you and your hatred.
i wanted to be clean.

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 345
{i am jagged}
abby May 2015
my elbows are all tangled up and jagged
and i am not gentle,
but sandpaper, rough and coarse
eroding your skin until there is nothing left
i am sharp edges and serrated knives,
cutting myself open bone to bone
i am not pleasant or a summer's eve
but frigidity and mocking stares
whenever you walk
i am the concrete beneath your feet
with holes and cracks that break your mother's back
with no colors, just grey and monotonous black and white
i am a harsh line on soft paper
all diagonals and wrong turns
right angles and cut in two

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 296
{i was winter}
abby May 2015
i want to be a great poem on the book of this world and i want seaside and sunshine and less of this melancholy because the earth is spinning way too fast and i'm starting to feel it in my brain, my brain is the sun and it's burning through and now i'm on fire and the fire will eat me alive

like you ate me alive in the shadow of your house on that cold winter day, you swallowed me up like a shark in the ocean and your hands were cold and your lips were cold and my body was cold it was all so cold because winter was coming from inside of me and it wasn't a season it was just me

being a season can change you, and since i wasn't summer i wasn't loved by children or school kids, i was death and i was snowdrifts and 9 am phone calls of car crashes from ice, i was wet that chilled your bones and put all of your fires out and i was there in the frost and windchill of 60 miles per hour

you drove me in your car to the hospital faster than 60 miles per hour that one day when i took too many pills and i asked you if it was okay for me to die and you said absolutely not because i was the reason behind your heartache and you didn't want it to be dull pain for the rest of your life

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 535
{heaviness}
abby May 2015
sometimes it's okay to wrap yourself
in the night sky and spin a web out of rain
you hold mystery in your palms
and i feel it's swallowed me whole
there will be times when it's hard
when heaviness overtakes your wet hair
and the sweaty nervousness doesn't stop
and dirt will get into your pores,
you will feel it down to your very core
and sometimes it's rocky
and there will be storms
but rain won't stop just because you're screaming
go outside and let it pour

*(a.m.c.)
i'm unsure of everything
May 2015 · 536
{uncomfortable}
abby May 2015
i think my black coffee self
has started to rot away
and i've become coffee with cream
a little softer with less sharp edges
a little smoother to touch
warm like summer air
the war zone inside my head
has made itself childproof
and i've furnished the place
with pillows and chapsticks
i want you to be comfortable with me
because i am most certainly not

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 392
{fifteen}
abby May 2015
when i was fifteen i was a lion-hearted girl
with strong bones and love for myself that crossed seas
i carried myself with sunshine and a smile too big
played melodies on the piano and loved people too much

when i was fifteen i was an ashtray
my warmth was used for kindling and my love to put out fires
my skin started turning black and my heart breaking into pieces
i was still wild-eyed and good

when i was fifteen i was a punching bag
fists touched my ribs most days and fingernails scraped away
chipping at my exterior and tearing my seams to bits
i became cold and unbearing and ruthless, with teeth like a tiger

when i was fifteen i became nothing
buried into soil and left not to grow but to be scavenged
bones broken and unmended, parched lips and stony feet
underground, beaten and crying, dead

*(a.m.c.)
just thinking about the past and how much i've grown and changed//
May 2015 · 291
{to you}
abby May 2015
we dumped our names into the ocean
and laughed about our futures
because wind carries farther than we know
so who else can hear the chirping?
they say laughter is the best medicine
but i believe it is your smile in front of a sunrise
and my cold hands feel a little bit warmer
whenever i'm near you
i could think of a thousand cliches
and silly metaphors
to describe your heart and mind
but i think i'll just put it this way
you are warm golden hues on this concrete world
with blue-streaked sky and starry eyes

and i believe van gogh would paint you
in front of his famous yellow backgrounds
and he would laugh

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 285
{to be fallen}
abby May 2015
like a spaceship through the cosmos
i am endlessly searching for myself
and being an astronaut in a new planet's oceans
i am drowning in the current
search my body and find me in the caves
with chipped teeth and three broken ribs
knocked out on the rocks of what i once was
my head is pounding and my dreams feel real
but i am not real
and this is not real
i stand on the precipice of who i am now
and who i used to be
and soon i'll be slipping on tumbleweeds and broken promises
soon to fall
soon to be falling
soon to be fallen

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 348
{somewhere between}
abby May 2015
you have
your nicotine fingers
running through my hair
and i have
frequencies reaching
ten thousand times my limit
because your eyes
are moons
and my mouth
is lavender
the flowers you picked me
are in a whiskey bottle
on my front porch
they haven't died yet
and neither have i
for i have been standing
somewhere between
salvation and corruption
and i don't know where to step

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 2.0k
{pick up your gemstones}
abby May 2015
this swirling romance of life
caught me up in its tendrils
and what did i become
but fire,
an energy that consumes
that destroys from nothing,
from a moment caught on spark
and ash.
warmth loves all that is living
the sun is far too close for us to be cold,
to live something frantic and brittle
and broken
we are too alive for salvation,
for heartache and bruise,
we are consumed in ourselves
and in our flame.
we are humans too beautiful
for destruction
too alive for loving
too loving to live.
call yourselves kings and queens
sons and daughters
royalty
pick up your gemstones
call it electricity
and rule.

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 325
{it's never tasted so good}
abby May 2015
i am still awake at 5:35 am
and it's burning like a flame inside of me
but this time it feels so warm
and i'm grinning
with my dead teeth
and this cigarette high has lasted hours
i can't believe that god may still be there
my lungs may hurt but at least i'm feeling
at least i'm alive and breathing
even with broken lungs
even with mad eyes
and drunken breath
i'm alive
i'm breathing

*(a.m.c.)
May 2015 · 231
{do not ask me how i am}
abby May 2015
do not ask me how i am
unless you want me to spill
coffee all over your lap
unless you want burnt lips
and bruised hands
do not tell me i'll be okay
because do you really think
my ***** hair and broken glasses,
my chipped tooth and poison mouth
are going to be okay?
do not romanticize smoking
a pack of cigarettes a day
do not pretend skinny
is beautiful
do not cut yourself
for attention
it's not the same
it's not the same

*(a.m.c.)
Apr 2015 · 215
{i wanted to be rain}
abby Apr 2015
i never thought i’d become
this hollowed out reckless person
this empty canvas and storm of a girl
i wanted to be a storm but not the kind i’ve become
because right now i’m destroying too much
of what i once loved
and i want to be rain that makes the flowers grow
rain that ends in a rainbow
rain that you dance in and kiss in and laugh in
rain that you pray for after months of drought
i wanted to be that rain
instead i am hurricane and tornado and destruction
and right now i’m killing off everything i once was
i don't want to destroy anymore
i want to make things grow

*(a.m.c.)
Apr 2015 · 402
{nicotine kiss}
abby Apr 2015
they say that everything nice
ends up killing you
and i think it's true
because i am a cigarette
slowly filling your lungs
and blackening them with my breath
i am a sedative to your anxieties
i am deadly and dangerous
but lovely
i am a nicotine kiss on your lips with fire
i am your bad habit and your addiction
i'll drag you out of bed
in the middle of the night
and i wanted to believe in god
but i couldn't pray with tobacco-stained lips
and a bottle of whiskey in my hand

*(a.m.c.)
this is a mess like me
abby Apr 2015
take up space with your scabby elbows
and laughter-stained cheeks
say your name loudly and clearly,
and do not cover your mouth when you speak
because when
i lay my head on your chest
it sounds like hurricanes
are destroying houses
do i really make you feel that much?
because i am just a girl
with sadness in my bones
and a cigarette in my hand
and i cannot give you anything
but my emptiness and ache
love is crawling out of your pit
and walking on water
it's floating in air
and breathing deep
love isn't beautiful but something with teeth
it ripped through my flesh and ate me whole
it was killing me in the most lovely way
love was drowning
in a pool full of laughter
it was sinking sand
and car crashes
it was tragic and devastating
it was real

*(a.m.c.)
Apr 2015 · 500
{glue and vaseline}
abby Apr 2015
there's too much blood at my feet
where flowers won't grow
and i tried to fill the cracks in the soil
with glue and vaseline
but the ground reminded me of your lips,
split in four places and tasting like salt
i've let too much water leak from my body
so i started swallowing sand and dirt
hoping that trees would grow from inside me
and i could last longer than life
remember when you touched my hand
and lightning bolts shocked the hell out of me?
you were electric and kicking and screaming
i was the sea, raging and deep

*(a.m.c.)
Apr 2015 · 321
{house of books}
abby Apr 2015
i am cold water on a ***** fist,
rinse me clean of this catastrophe
i am beaten and bruised, a raw being
stitch my wounds and bandage me whole
put me in your house made of books
and set fire to the poetry
scandalize this love affair
between me and the words
this romance only exists in my head
but it feels so real

*(a.m.c.)
Apr 2015 · 362
{ray bradbury burned me up}
abby Apr 2015
it was a pleasure to burn
with ***** stained lips
and a cigarette between my cold fingers
i stopped eating to become a symphony,
swirling and elegant
with a game of tic tac toe played with a blade
across my angular wrists
when people ask me about the straight scars
i say they are tally marks
counting every bit of destruction
inside of my body.

*(a.m.c.)
Apr 2015 · 330
{addiction in a body}
abby Apr 2015
i wanted to document
the arches of your cupid's bow
onto a thousand polaroids
and plaster them on my ceilings.
i wanted to carve a renaissance sculpture
based on the image i had of you
imprinted in my brain,
make you out of marble
and put you in a castle.
i think that when i look into the sky
i see the same constellations
that sit in your eyes
and i believe that you have become
my worst habit,
worse than chain smoking
in parking lots
and worse than sleeplessness.
you are an addiction in a body,
a hurricane that swept me away.

*(a.m.c.)
abby Mar 2015
sometimes if i listen hard enough
i can hear the sound of my bones
cracking under the weight of myself.
it feels too heavy to bring so much luggage
around with me to airports
always searching for a plane
to take me somewhere new.
i want to drop my bags and forget myself
i want oceans
i want to soak up waves and waves
of salt.
i'm taking too many pills now
that i am forgetting that i'm a person
and not a drone, that my steps
are conscious and that i can stop
when i want i can stop.
but i have to keep stepping
because what else is there to do?
what else besides walking
what else because if i stop
if i fall down i will never get up
i swear i am an airplane and
i am flying up in high altitudes
and i'm losing oxygen but i can't come down
because if i do i will crash and
nobody will pick up my wreckage.
i will be amelia earhart
i will be a mystery
i will be lost forever.

*(a.m.c.)
Mar 2015 · 568
{make it stop}
abby Mar 2015
i tried to **** some time
with my cut-throat vaseline clues
and quarters and lollipop bruises
my headaches turned into pleasure-seeking
narcissistic blues and bass guitars behind me
i'm done whispering nightmares
in other people's ears
and i'm done watching clocks
begging them to stop
begging me to stop
begging it to stop

*(a.m.c.)
i'm depressed as ****
abby Mar 2015
i have  become a collection
of  ripped pieces of sketch paper
and ink and paint and blood.
my head is a wasteland
filled with hazy drugs
that let me sleep.
i want to let gravity do it's work
and pull my fingertips to earths core
mix dirt into my veins
and take shots out of glasses
full of whiskey and ache.
i want to walk into the ocean
and fill my body with more water
than it was meant for.
i want to become the sand
so people will make castles out of me
and so i can laugh
when i burn their bare feet.

instead i am an incomplete drawing
and a poem that makes no sense.

*(a.m.c.)
abby Mar 2015
i'm wondering about you wondering about me
i'm killing myself just to remain interesting
cutting my skin to have a story to tell
smoking cigarettes so maybe i'll forget about the blood
maybe tomorrow night i'll leak oceans out of my eyes
and **** time instead of the people i love

i'm wondering about god wondering about me
praying prayers i know won't be answered
whispering lies to myself on the floor of my shower
naked and alone and afraid and beyond everything
i'm smiling at my friends while the voice in my head screams
shivering in the heat and sweating in the cold

i'm wondering about me wondering about you
why weren't you there when i took too many pills?
it tore out my insides and lit flames down my throat
do you ever think about what it would be like to be happy?
maybe like floating or like the sound of laughing children
maybe not like white noise and static

*(a.m.c.)
Mar 2015 · 488
{she's fading}
abby Mar 2015
remember
a girl with a bloodstream filled with her brother's laugh
with seaside sand and bottled up ships on the shore
wind and rain, puddles for rainboots to stomp in
her tears taste like family vacations and disney movies
like memories not quite lost but fading
tree roots dig into her mother's backyard, saplings from an earlier life
leaves changing color, brain synapses disconnecting
the months will still move on through years, but time gets smaller
calendars move, people move, feelings move
life feels lonely and her paperbacks are ripping
all she wants is a glimpse of the past and to keep moving into the future
knitted scarves and mittens, snowdrifts and car crashes
piano scores and swimming pools and banana pudding
move through her system, let her remember, let her heal
talking trees and lord of the rings
mermaid tails and dog kisses
fairy wings and sunburn
baseball bats and runny noses
remember

*(a.m.c.)
Feb 2015 · 527
{braille}
abby Feb 2015
there is a marathon inside of my head
each thought racing against the other
speeding like electricity for blue ribbons
and gold medals.
most of the time the winner is death
but sometimes a smile beats him in the last stride
but only sometimes.
i have bruised knuckles from the time
you told me i wasn't enough and the time
you laughed at my headache,
and sometimes the scars that cover my skin
could be braille that a blind person reads,
or morse code that says "HELP ME."

*(a.m.c.)
Feb 2015 · 503
{brain dead}
abby Feb 2015
eat pills, drink medicine, breathe rocky wind
cold hands touching your throat
and wrapping fingers around your head
your fingertips are dead, and it reaches
through your veins and down your body
sternum ache
brain dead
broken bone
you act like it's normal,
everyone has death inside them
and everyone brings it out in the dark.
you can never go back to happiness
once you feel the pleasure of sadness.

*(a.m.c.)
abby Feb 2015
the day of love is tomorrow
but the only thing i love at the moment
is the sleepy blissful feeling i get
every night after i take my sleeping meds.
because something that can take away your pain
and make you forget about brokenness
and self-loathing and suicide
is something worth devoting yourself to.
even if it's a liquid that slides down your throat
and warms your insides until you want that
lava to burn you up,
try not to drink the whole bottle.
or maybe you should risk it
because the tidal wave will come crashing down
soon enough won't it?
something bad is bound to happen
so you might as well pull the trigger.

*(a.m.c.)
abby Feb 2015
there hasn't been a black hole
as big as the yellow-orange sun
inside of my chest and my stomach
and my ribs and my arms and my legs
until now.
it feels like it'll never go away
like it'll keep ******* inward and inward,
a vacuum cleaner or ocean tides,
it'll swallow everything whole
until i've disappeared.
i am a comet shooting across your sky
i'm brief and i'm on fire and i'm burning
and then in a blink of an eye

i'm gone.

*(a.m.c.)
Feb 2015 · 386
{not enough}
abby Feb 2015
there was a playful sound
calling on the other side
of the wall called life.
i asked for more soul
but no one responded,
even after i screamed for
someone to hear me,

give me soul or give me death

i don't care if i drown anymore

*(a.m.c.)
this is crap
abby Jan 2015
i never wanted
to become that person
who uses a knife
to heal her wounds
but i have become
a mixture of
have's and have not's
and i'm so cluttered
that nobody wants
to clean up my pieces
and i'm so *****
but flowers don't grow
out of my skin
i am only mud
i am only weeds
i am only poison

*(a.m.c.)
abby Jan 2015
i'm tired of feeling dead inside
and having a heart
like scrambled eggs with toast.
when people start asking me,
"do you ever feel--"
i have to stop them there,
"no."
maybe i'm a black hole
swallowing itself into nothing,
or maybe a tornado
is taking me to the land of oz.

there's no place like home
there's no place like home
there's no place like home


every time i cross streets
i see lights coming at me
but everything is fuzzy
and then it's a dance,
a fun game of dare.
"hit me."

*(a.m.c.)
Jan 2015 · 283
{words}
abby Jan 2015
i kind of want to die
but i know that there are no
gold-tipped sunrises
in the basement of the dead.
mostly i dream in colors
that aren't black and white
because my head is full of spectrum
a copy of a copy of a color.
the only thing that keeps
my eyelids from drooping
is words on the pages
of the endless stack of books
in the corner of my room.
sometimes i think that
each letter is a person
and their figures join together
to form large crowds
that fill the spacious voids
around me.
my friends spill out of my mouth
and move around in my brain,
they are words,
not lifeless
but constantly moving.

*(a.m.c.)
Dec 2014 · 541
{heartbeat, lovebeat}
abby Dec 2014
my heart was a monotonous beeping
a soft old grandfather clock,
background noise at dinner parties
and a focal point for insomniacs
it droned on, neither increasing or decreasing,
neither rising or falling,
a steady beat of a steel drum on a hot summer night

i moved an inch closer to you

my heart was a ticking time bomb,
still steady as clockwork
but adding drama to the movie screen
it was stippling and a connect-the-dot photo of a sailboat
if you wired me up to a machine,
the line of my heart would be a steadily increasing mountain,
closer and closer to the destination
which is you

three inches closer

my heart was alla turca on piano
and impressionist paint strokes
it was dashed-dotted-dashed-dashed
it was swift like wind and current
it was nearly hummingbird wing
nearly death defying

you are two inches away

my heart has broken metronomes,
the tempo reached over five hundred
and chatter flooded into it
speaking words so fast
it sounds like a language from another planet
sometimes i wonder if my heart is really like mount rushmore
but it's not the head of founding fathers carved into the side
but the way you look when you look at me

you are here, i am here

the love i feel for you is plotted out on graph paper covering my floors but it keeps running off the page and i don't have enough paper

*(a.m.c.)
Dec 2014 · 421
{photographic memory}
abby Dec 2014
to me you are just a photograph
a five-by-seven rectangle
of glossy paper
pinned on my white wall
with a thumbtack.
all of you is crammed into that space,
a box that contains your smile,
two-dimensional and impersonal,
false.
there's a rip on one corner
where part of your forehead dangles
ready to be completely perforated,
because you have no control
over where i store you
whether it's in my arms
or just on my walls.

*(a.m.c.)
Dec 2014 · 1.3k
{i didn't ask for this}
abby Dec 2014
do you ever think about
crystallized heartbeats?
and capricorn fists holding
winter solstices within each crease,
palms like mountains
with riverbends and valleys,
cliffdiving into an ocean
of crimson skin?
the lullaby that plays over
and over
in my head is the sound
of your voice
cracking as you said,
"please don't go."
that three-word phrase
sings me to sleep
every single night.

i didn't ask for this,
you know.

i didn't ask for blown-out candles
smoke twirling into tendrils of grey
and ashy piles.
i never asked for your blank stare
when your memory was erased
by people in white coats with long needles.
i didn't ask for your arms
to become my stronghold
and my shelter against the night.

i didn't want this but now i'm addicted.

*(a.m.c.)
Dec 2014 · 488
{good love, bad love}
abby Dec 2014
you were a beautiful hero
and i fell in love
with safety.
you were home and heart and pulse
  beating
     beating
        beating.
you were golden and shining and charm
and i wore you
around my finger
  hoping
     hoping
        hoping.

i was electricity
destructive and
elusive.
i was a villain
worse than any
toothache.
i was twisted
caught up in
my tragedy.
i was your catastrophe
and darkness and nightmare.

you are good // i am bad

always
always
always

*(a.m.c.)
just some dumb words in my head
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