God knows I've tried not to notice,
As the ninth comes around.
It has been five months of,
Alcohol and ****** to fill your absence.

I still remember what it feels like,
To have you hug me and say that everything is okay.
And I can still hear your voice at night.

You have no idea how much I have spent,
To try to erase the pain I feel inside.
You fell asleep one last time,
And a part of me went when you died.

I won't shed another tear,
No, I won't cry again.
I swear I won't cry,
Except maybe one last time.

I shake as I clench my cigarette,
Burning between *******.
I shake as tears cascade around me,
The taste of liquor my only friend.

I shake as I aim for the shot,
Hoping the ****** will stop my heart this time.
I see blood mix and push the plunger down,
This high is my only friend.

It has been five months without you dad,
But I feel as if has only been a day.
I still feel you cold skin beneath my fingers,
And wish death could have stayed away.

You know I've felt misery,
When I held my brother as he cried.
Screaming for our father,
As mom watched through tear filled eyes.

You know I felt happiness,
When I watched him move up,
Into middle school,
Already on his way to being a man.

You know I feel sadness,
Each night as I lie down to sleep.
I don't know how to be a father,
To a boy half my age.

I do not understand,
Why fate made everything happen this way,
But let me tell you this burden,
Is mine to pay.

I'll do what I must,
To make sure he grows up right,
Even if I have to,
Give up my own life.

I fear the warm embrace of my bed,
The soft feeling of my pillow beneath my head.
I fear the sleep that takes me at night,
For my dreams are dark and devoid of light.

I wish I hadn't been the one,
To find you wrapped in never-ending sleep.
Now my dreams come to me unbidden,
And I often wake as my eyes begin to weep.

I dreamed you put a bullet in your head,
Just the other night.
**** all if I could say,
Sleep is my greatest fright.

I don't know what hurt me,
So badly that I cannot open up.
I don't know the exact moment,
When I felt life was just too much.

I couldn't tell you whatever happened,
That made me feel dead inside.
But I can tell you a needle and pills,
Makes my mask slip away and hide.

I don't know when it became so important,
For me to lose my sobriety,
And God, I couldn't begin,
To explain why I hid from society.

I'm so done with living in this world,
But the drugs just won't let me die.
I need some serious help,
But I don't know how to ask for it tonight.

I know the ****** or morphine or whatever the ****,
I put into my veins each day,
Keeps me feeling normal,
And keeps me slightly sane.

I know I'll never hear the voice of my father,
Or be able to show my mother the love she deserves.
I know my younger brother,
Will one day wonder what killed me so many years before.

I'd like to say I'm sorry,
To the girl I love with all my soul.
I'm oh so sorry baby,
But I shall never, ever become whole.

You'd be better off without me,
Just like my parents had I never been born.
Perhaps my father may still be living,
Perhaps mother may have never needed to mourn.

I'd like to say I'm sorry,
That there is no reason for my living death,
However, long ago I swear,
I thought by twenty one my heartbeat may have left.

So I suppose I'm sorry,
That any of you ever needed to meet me.
And I am so very sorry,
That I lived through the needle that should have let death be.

The day we laid my father to rest,
I was so ****** up I couldn't move,
Let alone see straight.
You name it, I was on it that day.

The moment my girl told me we had to go,
I stood on shaky legs,
Shook my head and put on the face,
Of the man my family needed me to be.

I drove to the funeral home,
A city away,
Dressed to impress and drugged to carelessness.

I was so ****** up that night,
That I nodded out with my eyes open,
While the priest who married my parents,
Gave the eulogy.

It's a good thing I was so ****** up,
So that I didn't rip that ******* priest apart,
When he told me it was a holy experience,
To find my father dead like that.

What's so holy about it father?
The fact that I need to be so medicated that I pass out,
In order to sleep at night?

Or the fact that I could care less,
If I dosed a little too much,
Every time I push the plunger down?

Tell me, what is so holy about it, priest,
The fact that my father wasn't even twice my age,
Or that I'll be dead before I reach his?

It's been nearly a month,
And I've spent more nights drunk,
Than I have in the last year,
Just so I can sleep at night.

Dad I wish you were here,
So you could see me clean,
And know that everything,
Would be alright in the end.

I overdosed yesterday,
And I swear on your grave,
The one I will never see,
That I prayed to you that everything would be alright.

I didn't pray to God,
If he even exists,
I prayed to you,
That I wouldn't black out.

I prayed that Raquel wouldn't,
Have to bury me,
That you'd keep me awake,
Long enough for the ****** to leave my body.

I wanted to die,
I swear to all I love I wanted that black abyss,
No heaven, no hell,
Just darkness.

I say I swear to God,
But I don't know if I believe anymore,
All I know is that I couldn't die,
Because now I have reasons to live.

****, I nearly went out the way I wanted,
Still young and high on dope.
But the thought of you kept me awake,
In the hospital parking lot.

I prayed mom didn't have to know,
Not that I'd care if the dope had done its job.
But the thought of dying in my sleep,
Made me puke.

Come on Dad,
I know you've no body to come back to,
Now that they've turned you to ashes,
But **** all if you didn't fight your way back to us.

It's been nearly a month,
And I've been drunk more times than I can count,
Just so I can sleep,
And not forget you.

It has been ten dreamlike days,
And nine sleepless nights,
Since I found my father,
So still, his eyes void of light.

Even when my head is foggy,
Whether it be ***** or dope this time,
I find I cannot sleep,
I see you lying there behind my eyes.

Dad I just want to die,
It hurts so ******* much,
And no one understands,
Even the most potent narcotics cannot heal me.

They all expect me to be fine,
But it's been so long since I knew what that word meant.
Now with you gone I'm afraid,
Mom might have to bury me next.

I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep,
Like you did that night all alone.
I wish I'd found you sooner,
I wish I had ******* known.

I know I can't go any time soon,
I promised I'd take care of Elijah.
He's so young he doesn't understand,
Lucky him, he's not the one forced to be a man.

Can't you just come back,
And hug me one last time,
Dad I know I promised,
But there's no way Ill be ******* fine.

I haven't really slept,
Since you passed away.
You were far too young,
It wasn't the right way.

You should've gone out fighting,
But instead you fell asleep.
Everyone's been so understanding,
But ****, I just want to weep.

I've spent the last few hours crying,
Something I'm not used to anymore.
Lately I've felt like vomiting,
But there's no bile left in store.

Figures I had to find you,
Aftet so many months away.
But dad I'd give anything,
For just one more ******* day.

Dad it's been three days since I found you,
They said you had died in your sleep.
Now I find myself drunk on *****,
At 5 am unable to get any peace.

I've handled it the way you'd think I would,
But I don't know how I'll fair,
When we see your open casket,
And all of the family there.

I just want to stay so drunk,
I don't have to see you lying there.
Even if my veins are filled with morphine,
I'm afraid it'll be more than I can bare.

I've seen my own blood,
Trickle down my wrist,
As the rush hit my heart beat
Shattered my reality.

My blood began to pour,
I think I hit an artery this time.
I want to care, I want to be scared for my life,
But the rush is all I know.

And now I feel my heartbeat slow,
Oh God, is this the end?
Am I going to die,
All for this horrid, oh so horrid, beautiful high?

I'll be seeing all my friends tonight,
The ones I thought left me behind.
Nothing makes me feel secure,
Like I did with them at my side.

Its been nearly two years,
Seven hundred and thirty days,
Countless needles shed,
And infinite milligrams consumed.

I just hope tonight,
No one asks me how I'm doing.
I don't know if I can lie away this time.

I went out on a limb that day,
When you pulled me outside,
And told me just how you felt.

I didn't know then what I now know,
That I'd fall in love with you so quickly,
That I'd yearn for your presence,
More than I yearn for the drugs in my veins.

I went out on a limb that day,
When I was still seeing what's her name,
And told you I had a phone call to make,
So that we could see where it would go.

It's been nearly five years and I can honestly say,
That for every mistake I've ever made,
I was rewarded with you,
Just for going out on a limb that day.

Oh it's the last day of the year,
The year my family found everything out.
I've kept everything up for so long,
But a needle point drove me down.

I'm sorry mom and I'm sorry Dad,
I'm sorry to my whole family,
I'm sorry that chemical reactions,
Are the only thing that lights my brain.

I'm sorry I like dopamine,
And the rush that dope always brings,
I'm sorry a few pills keep me sane,
But hey, at least I'm still alive.

I'm sorry I'm such a mess,
And I'm sorry you found my needles grandma.
I'm sorry I hate living,
And I'm sorry life is just too slow.

I'm sorry I ever opened my eyes,
The night I dosed just a little too much.
I'm sorry I ever popped my first pill.
And I'm sorry to everyone,
Because I know I will never, ever have my fill.

I know we all give up on,
Lost causes when the time's up.
But my heart keeps beating,
Knowing that we will make it through.

You could keep me honest,
You could keep me from everything,
Everything that makes me self destructive.
You could keep me from setting myself aflame.

I know that everything is messed up,
Waiting for the sound of the gong,
To dance around my head,
Keeping my heartbeat sound.

And I know I keep *******,
Everything up time and time again,
But I promise I'll be here,
If only you'll be here with me.

I know I'm a mess,
I don't need the sight of,
A needle or a drop of my blood,
To tell me that.

Maybe I need a few pills,
To keep me alive,
Or maybe you'll be the,
****** I need tonight.

Maybe you're the rush,
Baby you're the rush,
I keep on postponing,
Keep on putting off the question.

But give me one more shot,
Give me one more *****,
One more rush and I promise,
I'll ask for just one more each time.

I miss you,
Every night and day.
I miss you so much,
I don't know what to say.

I know you need to be there,
For you and for us.
But sometimes I grow weak,
And my mind begins to rust.

Oxidation occurs,
And spreads through my veins.
My heart beats wildly,
When the winds begin to change.

I miss you so much,
That if you asked me to,
I'd walk the 87 miles,
It takes to reach you.

It'd take me a week,
Maybe a bit more.
But the cramps in my legs,
Would be worth arriving at your door.

It's been 24 hours,
Since I saw you last.
And God, girl,
I'm sick of living in the past.

Patience has always,
Been one of my virtues.
But I can honestly say,
My virtues are stretched thin these days.

I've told so many lies,
Just to keep myself sane.
I've lied to people,
Just to keep away the pain.

I can tell you anything,
With whatever expression you need to see.
And I can always, at the drop of a hat,
Be whoever I have to be.

I know everyone around me,
And all of the cracks they try to hide.
But my guilded tongue,
Finds them every time.

I could tell you everything,
That you never wanted to hear.
And honestly after,
I wouldn't be any worse for wear.

I get no ball in the pit of my gut,
No butterflies eating me inside.
When I call you out on your secrets,
Those ***** things you try and hide.

You'd call me the Devil,
But truth to tell,
The Devil is honest,
Even in Hell.

It'd be closer to the truth,
If you called me a snake.
But I've no second skin,
So you can't call me fake.

Call me human,
That's all you can do.
And next time you ask me,
I won't lie to you.

I need to fall apart again,
So I can write something,
Something so meaningful,
That the very act will cause my heart to stop.

I need to fall apart again,
But the truth is; I don't know how,
I don't know how anymore,
Now that I've really learned to love you.

Even as the morphine,
Stops to enter my veins,
And I feel myself sick from all the chemicals,
I cannot fall apart, I cannot fall again.

I start my downward slide,
Then I remember you laughter,
I remember your face,
And I find myself glued together.

I suppose my writing may die,
But I'm happy with you.
So if that's my sacrifice,
Then **** these words and **** me too.

She loved fire so much
That she set herself aflame.
But as all flames do,
She burnt out too fast.

It's been three weeks,
Since you left.
And I've been so lucky,
To spend the weekends in your bed.

My mind may have been clouded,
With alcohol and morphine,
And I may have drank too quickly,
But I still shivered from the taste of your kiss.

It's now the fourth week,
And I count myself so lucky,
To know that I'm able to spend,
At least a few short hours with you.

It will be nearly three months,
Before you come home to me.
I know that no snow or ice or slush,
Could keep you driving back to my arms.

The other day I was asked,
Where I called home.
I thought for a while,
Before I realized a syringe was the only thing that made me feel warm.

I know I have a cold heart,
And I couldn't care less sometimes.
But to tell you the truth,
I'm truly happy that you're mine.

I've driven nearly a hundred miles,
And been sick for days on end.
Just so I could see you,
My love, my life, my very best friend.

I've left my needle back in my room,
Just beside my spoon and cotton.
So I could be with you,
So those moments may never be forgotten.

I've spent my days alone,
Knowing just how far I'd have to drive,
To see my darling girl,
And to really feel alive.

She's thunderstorms and rain,
To your calm and sunny days.
She's the reason my ship sank,
To your open port in a storm.

Even with you gone,
So many miles away,
I can still feel the warmth,
Of your sunny days.

Sometimes it's raining,
Even when you're with me.
But I promise to keep you dry,
In this stormy sea.

She is thunderstorms and rain,
that cleared away all my sunny days,
But you've dried up all the water,
She left from rainy may.

I don’t know how to save me,
And I know I’ll never be alive,
But there’s something about you baby,
That makes me wanna try.

Day by day,
Night by night,
I fake a smile,
And put out delight.

I know I’ll never be alive,
And I know I’ll never love again,
So I hold out for you baby,
And I learn how to bend.

On one knee I pray to God,
That there will never be an end.
But I know someday baby,
I’ll just be another forgotten trend.

Day by day,
Night by night,
I fake a smile,
And put out delight.

I know I’ll never be alive,
I know my heart’ll never beat again,
So I hold out for you baby,
And I learn how to bend.

I wait until the darkness comes,
And puts out the light,
And then my friendly stranger shows,
Such a wonderful delight.

He smiles and he laughs again,
But I know he’s just a fake.
Because he’s riding a white horse,
And he’s strung out for God’s sake.

Day by day,
Night by night,
I fake a smile,
And put out delight.

I know I’ll never be alive,
And I know I’ll never breathe.
But my heart is yours baby,
Until you decide to leave.

You've become a twisted tree,
Gnarled knots and roots dug so deep,
They've planted you right where you stand.

I picked an apple from your bows,
Climbed so high for what?
To taste something,
Something so sour I wish I never bit.

You said to use your limbs,
To build my broken home.
But I crawled into your trunk,
And settled into your bones.

I made my way down to your roots,
And planted my own seed.
I want to see you try to move,
When my roots entwine with yours.

I made my way up to your highest branch,
And took away the clouds,
Plucked off all of your fruit,
Just to make my way back home.

Now they plan to chop you down,
To build a highway where you stand,
And somehow I'm nowhere to be seen,
When you need a helping hand.

Years have passed,
Since you last held my hand.
I still remember how it felt,
While we stood before our favorite band.

They sang away the night,
With words that told you how I felt.
Your skin so smooth on mine,
While we were engulfed in the crowd.

I have to say that,
Was one concert I wish not to end.
But as we filed out of the doors,
It broke my heart to bring you back to him.

And when the rain came pouring down,
While we ran to the cover of your dorm.
I felt as if the road were no longer rough,
That it had been smoothly worn.

And I thought that maybe,
You meant to be more than just polite,
When you offered me a chance,
To stay and spend the night.

Sadly, I had reasons I could not,
And began my weary drive.
Wishing that I had never left,
Wishing I had just arrived.

I've been revisited,
By an old friend.
She sank her teeth into me,
Never let it end.

She said dear, why do you wait,
For something that can never be.
Why do you utter such words,
So very brazenly.

She said, if all those words,
Hurt like before,
Why do you stand there,
And stare at the door?

She said the darkness is loving,
Caring to the end.
So why not pull the trigger,
And be with an old friend?

Earth will not know tranquility,
Until everything made from men,
Is buried deep, drowning beneath the sea.

Don't go,
God knows I can't live all alone.
Please stay,
Even if the distance still grows.

Nearly a hundred miles,
And I'm fine with the drive.
Saving up money for gas,
Working nine to five.

Don't go,
I don't care if I only hear your voice on the phone.
Please stay,
The only thing that matters is I can call you my own.

Promise me you won't leave,
Even when you have to go away.
So long as I still hear "I love you,"
I'll know you plan to stay.

She was so careful,
With that crimson thread.
As she sewed my soul,
Back into my head.

A scar is one thing
She said so calm.
As she touched my cheek,
With a vanilla palm.

But open wounds,
Are the things that ****.
You'll rarely survive,
Lest you have the will.

And so she sewed,
And I bled slow.
Waiting for my open wound,
To finally close.

I can't remember midnight,
When the morning sun rose.
And I cant remember the moonlight,
As you shed your modest clothes.

Perhaps I stared too long,
At the symmetry of your hips,
Or perhaps you thought,
I became addicted too fast to your lips.

Maybe You'll stay forever,
But tonight you're gone for good.
You're the darkness in my heart,
The part of me I never understood.

Now I remember midnight,
As the sun goes down again.
And when the night comes,
I find myself wrapped in sin.

I am Hell,
When the fires form my hands,
And gasoline spits from the veins,
I tried so hard to sew back together,
With an old syringe, needle bent and bloodied.

I am Hell,
When my eyes turn to coal,
And I breathe sulfur into your lungs.

I am Hell,
I've been burning for so long.
I am the pit,
Bloodied with the souls of the ******.
A lake of fire burning the clouds tonight.

And somehow you are Heaven,
With your blue eyes and innocence,
And the way you say God, when you barely believe.

You are Heaven,
In that tight red dress.

You are Heaven,
As we share my bed.

Somehow you're still Heaven,
Though your innocence is gone.
And somehow I'm still Hell,
When my intentions all go wrong.

You tore me apart starting with my heart
And ending in my head.
I still can't count the number of times,
I thought I'd be better off dead.

It started with your eyes,
And ended in your word.
Your smile was the perfect picture,
Your voice the sound I wish I never heard.

Somehow I thought I was too broken,
Too scarred to ever be repaired.
I never thought that love would be something,
That could cause me to be scared.

But an angel surprised me,
And took me by the hand.
Four years later,
She's made me understand.

I don't need to feel broken,
To feel someone's love.
And it's possible that,
You weren't sent from above.

Maybe you were my demons,
But she saved me from you.
And now I've found.
I'm the right one too.

I have to say the world has changed,
Since I was twelve years old.
For now I've got travel marks, scars,
And the best of stories to be told.

My feet have become the wheels,
That bring me on the ride of my life.
But somehow there's no reverse,
No brake, no end to strife.

I can't go back, I cannot stop,
This vehicle needs a change.
For ofttimes my heart beats fast,
And sometimes it's quite strange.

Even when I sleep at night,
Rest my weary head,
I know I'm in a constant line,
Straight to the land of dead.

So I'll live my life as I see fit,
Never again be told.
For I've read my story once before,
In the stories of old.

I wrote this poem in my own blood,
So you could taste it like you never could.
And I hope you find it before I decay,
Else our love will not find it's way.

My friend, my cure, my sickness and health,
I count you as the richest of wealth.
I carry you beside my heart,
And know when I die you'll not depart.

You'll dig my grave with your own two hands,
And spread my ashes on stark white sands.
You'll bleed me to the ocean blue,
Until death takes the life from you.

And when you die I hope you know,
Your path to Heaven I will show.
I'll light the darkest halls of Hell,
For Heaven died when you fell.

Angels cried for us that day,
Their tears showing us a blurry way.
Through the fire, trees and rain,
They showed us Heaven to hide our pain.

After years of trudging through,
We found Heaven with Angels few.
And so you stood with valiant stance,
And raised them up with a powerful glance.

Now Heaven's full they force our leave,
But not before we try and retrieve,
Our souls from far beyond the gates,
And back to Earth to chance our fates.

I packed my bags and prepared for a night long drive,
Took a couple pills to keep me feeling alive.
Somewhere along the way I started to feel pain,
So I pulled to the side and put a needle in my vein.

I never felt so alive as I did on that trip,
Waiting til the last moments to get my fix.
I listened to Floyd the entire way,
And got my drugs without having to pay.

And each time I lasted just a few minutes more,
Many hours passed before I let myself cure.
And each time the pain became less intense,
I'd fill up my needle and lose all sense.

Somehow I survived that month long drive,
By shooting a few pills just to feel alive.
And somehow I'm stronger because of those days,
Now that I've lost all of my destructive ways.

The wind blew in,
On a warm march day.
Started off with rain,
Then snow in the middle of May.

Halfway to June,
I lost track of time.
somehow though,
I kept rhythm and rhyme.

It was quarter to November,
When I finally stopped to say,
Whatever happened to,
March, April and May?

I remember how,
Your lips tasted the first time.
And how your tongue ran,
Across my teeth, begging to get in.

I remember how,
Your hips felt like Heaven beneath my fingers,
And how your fingers,
Wrapped in my hair.

I remember how sweet my words felt,
As I love you slid from my tongue.
And how you smiled,
And whispered it back to me so sincerely.

I remember how it felt,
When I first saw you cry.
And how broken you looked,
When I started too.

Now I hate that you're leaving,
And I've got to find my way.
But chances are that can't happen,
No matter what we say.

So I guess I'll have to travel,
Leave this world behind.
And hope that I'll still have you,
When there's little hope to find.

Darling I can tell you haven't slept,
Much since that last cup of tea.
I remember you saying it burnt like tequila,
And now I know why.

Darling I see the scars you cut,
In the space between your heart and your soul.
I know how it hurts,
To have them separated so.

But darling I can't help with your wounds,
I know so little of how to heal,
Self made wounds, though I have one to match,
I didn't make the incision, though I held the knife.

Darling you cut me so deep,
I think I lost my soul.
But sadly I still have my heart,
Scarred from the incision you made.

I was taught at a young age,
To watch what bridges I burn.
But something daddy didn't know,
Was that creating them can be just as destructive,
As setting them aflame.

Colorful lies,
Pastels the color of your lips,
On mine.

Colorful eyes,
Pastels the color of your lips,
Without mine.

Narcotic sleep so sound,
I thought We'd wake deep under ground.
And your colorful lies,
Don't make me see home no more.

No, no more.

It's been a while,
Since I've slept so soundly.
My head is filled with thoughts,
Suicidal, so profoundly.

So don't tell me to put it down,
This razor feels so comfortable.
Like your colorful eyes,
And the pastels that bleed from the hole made by this,
Needle again.

No, don't tell me to put it down.
I've got my rig filled with sweet,
Oh so sweet, salt filled morphine.

And I've gotten my spoon and cotton,
Held together by the tourniquet,
That holds together my veins each night.

And your colorful eyes,
Fill my rig each time,
The needle finds a vein.

And pastel colors,
Fall like rain down staircases,
Beautiful close your eyes and lips this time,
You're just too jaded, far too wasted.

So I guess I'll bring you home,
Crawl under the covers,
And watch your colorful eyes,
Close one last time.

I guess I'll watch them close just one last,
Oh just one last ******* time.
And I'll hold your hand,
Just hold your hand in mine.

As I watch your colorful eyes,
Close just one last time.
I'll hold your hand,
I'll hold your hand in mine.

It seems my demons find me,
When I am all alone.
And they fill the room around me,
Hurting me to the bone.

They know every lie I tell,
And know that morphine is my disease,
So they leave me with a needle,
A tickle and a tease.

For some odd reason,
I could never be too sure.
They leave me nothing to fill it,
But always leave me wanting more.

And somehow I find a way,
To fill my veins with blue.
When all I'm doing always,
Is filling the holes left from you.

And gold keeps paying for my habit,
But stops me from living a dream.
Keeps me just so lucid,
To destroy another beam.

And with each I crack into,
Takes me down from my support.
Until there is nothing left,
No, nothing but rapport.

So I tie off just one more time,
And pick up my larger rig.
As the needle pierces skin,
My own ****** grave, I dig.

I dreamed last night,
With my eyes wide open.
Dreamed of running along,
With her trailing behind.

As I ran faster,
And the distance between us grew,
I could still feel her fingertips,
Attached to mine like glue.

And even though it was nearly dawn,
When I laid my weary head,
I felt the soft profoundness,
That I feel when we share my bed.

And even though I loved her,
And sometimes I still do.
You know that you're all I love now,
That my only love is you.

I know I dreamed about her,
When my eyes were open tight.
But when my head hit the pillow,
I dreamed of nothing but You all night.

No need to pray,
No need to speak.
No need for thoughts,
In the Ocean deep.

Just breathe in, breathe in,
Your consciousness is waning.
Your confidence is praying,
Your confidant prepared to stay.

Your heart is throbbing,
Your breath is wavering.
No need to pray,
The Ocean is taking you over,
Again.

Another wave upon my shores,
No more need for open doors.
Take a step into the shallows.
Prepare to leap from high atop,
The gallows.

Another step brings you closer to,
The Ocean edge is dropping still.
Another sip is all it takes,
To fall into Hell's open gates.

And fires beat upon the shores,
The Oceans waves are no more.
But still these waves beat me down,
Into the fires below the ground.

And we are the lost generation,
The end of time is all we wait on.
And still we think we are good.
You fool, you fool, you're breathing still.

On and on passes time,
Leaving us swiftly behind.
And still we wait for our last chance,
To close the doors on our romance.

To my bed I pull you slowly,
To the gallows waiting behind me.
Lay your head upon my pillow,
As the noose tightens, I close the window.
I watch you drop from up on high,
To the Ocean's depths we rise.
And we are drowning, though we stand,
I welcome you with open hands.

You'll sit with me upon the bedside,
Waiting til we all die.
Though poison tastes like honey and wine,
The antidote is hard to find.

And so we are the forgotten youth,
Laid to waste by father's troops.
And though their bullets make us bleed,
We trudge on through the widow's weave.

Through mud and blood we find our place,
Lost in our ***** tastes.
I thought that maybe we could find,
Peace hidden deep inside.

But still the monks say we must wait,
Lost inside this burning place.
And Father stands upon the shore,
Hoping we shall open the door.

Though Heaven's full,
We'll make our place,
Lost into this burning face,
And still I find you hurting still,
My heart and soul have had their fill.

So take up my razor,
And skin my flesh.
Leave no more, no nothing left.
Peel my skin, my flesh, my bone.
And leave me a rotting soul.

For Father stands upon these gates,
Hell burning across his face.
And the Ocean will take none unto,
The depths will have us rotting soon.

So float back down,
And swim inside.
I know you know,
I've got much to hide.

But with my flesh, my bone and sinew,
Know that I have forgotten you.
And hope that one day you'll find,
A casket burning with me inside.

I wish I had digested those butterflies,
You gave to me that day.
Rather than allowing them,
To flutter and have their say.

Oh I wish I had looked at your,
Wrists so scarred and fragile.
And known that my soul,
Would look like your forearms one day.

I wish I had told my beating heart,
To flutter and to die.
For now it beats at half the pace,
From when I first looked you in the eye.

Oh how I wish I had turned around,
Not looked upon the door.
For had I not seen you enter,
I'd have lived much more.

How, oh how I wish,
I had merely kept on reading.
Rather than watch, with laboring breath,
As you spoke your name to the class.

Oh how I wish I had never heard your name,
Or seen the scars upon your wrist.
For had I merely kept on breathing,
I'd know not what became amiss.

So I've never written your name into my poems,
And I've never dared to dream.
Maybe you are more to me,
And I am less it seems.
No, It cannot be,
That I have become so little.
How can I be strong,
And yet be so brittle?

I've never really thought of,
Suicide as anything but poetic.
Your face being the last thing he saw,
As he dropped the photograph and loaded his gun.

But lately I've been thinking,
That perhaps that's not the way.
I always said when I die,
It'll be because I had a say.

Now I'm thinking,
I want it to be random.
A car crash or a bullet,
And not a word from your lips.

Lately I've been thinking,
That maybe a razor is not the way.
Maybe a gunshot,
Is too violent for me.

But what could be too violent,
For a man who loves words?
When I've read your little poems,
And known that Love is War.

Nothing could be more violent,
Than the way you held my hand.
While knowing I was nothing,
I just can't understand.

So I suppose my death will be random,
But why can't I have a say?
If when you die is predetermined,
Then why die in any other way?

In the beginning,
I blamed naught but you.
And somehow i thought,
You never thought of me too.

Somewhere in the middle,
I got lost in between,
Believing you wanted nothing,
But friendship it seems.

In the end I was wrong,
Yet there's nothing left.
I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing,
And you've seen nothing yet.

I could say I knew what life was,
Before I felt my time slipping away.
But now that you're so far gone,
It seems it's just a memory.

An hour's drive,
And each time,
He answers the door instead of you.

An hour's drive,
And each time,
He says so much more than you.

So why go outside,
Go anywhere at all,
If every time I leave,
I think of you.

And why would I write,
When every time I do,
I write about nothing,
If I do not ******* write about you.

I remember sitting in my room,
My computer screen the only light.
I smiled as I read a joke across the screen,
And didn't really quite know how to respond.

I remember my locker,
So unkempt in seventh grade.
I remember my notebooks,
Filled with notes from class.

I remember how I hated drugs,
And smoking,
And every other bad thing,
That came from the memory of you.

I remember how innocent I was,
And how you laughed at me.

I remember how I never grew sad,
Just because a person so perfect could exist.

And I remember the light in my heart,
The drive I had inside.
And How I always had a smile,
I never had to hide.

It's ten of eight,
And my mouth tastes of bad coffee,
And cigarettes.
When it should taste like you.

It's ten of eight,
And my mind is in the darkest dungeon,
Surrounded by demons.
When it should be filled with thoughts of you.

It's ten of eight,
And you're her and she's you,
except that's not how it really is,
And that's not who you really are.

It's ten of eight,
And I've been awake since five.
Knowing you've just closed your eyes,
Wrapped up in his arms.

It's eight o'clock now,
As I finish this piece,
Knowing it's you,
That I can't keep.

I never thought I'd be,
Such a disappointment to you.
Sixteen years flushed down the drain,
You leaving hit me like the proverbial train.

I wish I had waited,
Til you left to get my fix.
I should've known that you and morphine,
Were the worst combinations to mix.

You asked me how it felt,
To have a needle in my vein.
You, my oldest friend,
Should understand it takes away all my pain.

You couldn't take seeing my blood,
Filling up the syringe.
Or the look on my face,
As I started my binge.

Goodbye my oldest friend,
I'll miss you to the last.
Not a night will go by,
Where I don't think of our past.