Have you ever felt the pain?
Not of dying, not of love.
Not of pain, but of a word with no escape.
It's silence is deadly, like an ardent comet full of expression,
devouring your mind, body and soul, never blooming into existence.
Have you ever felt this pain?

I'm sorry for saying I love you. . .
Can we go back to yesterday,
when we were best friends?

115 degree days of misery,
  under larger than life palm trees.
    Sipping a cold crying can of coke.
       oversized sunglasses by the community pool,
          I hope they hide my gaze.
              lust at first sight, ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴇʀ at a glance.

As summer leaves,
I watch a sweet little bird, who gives all his food.
I watch a sweet little bird, who gives all his home.
I watch a sweet little bird, hungry.
I watch a sweet little bird, tired.
I watch a sweet little bird, disheveled.
who gives and gives, until it becomes no more.
Confined in the cage called love, what a stupid bird. I think to myself.
Gone is the bird, replaced by my reflection on the window pane.
Caged forever more.

Sacred body, yes; that which I have fully explored and mapped.

Scattered tattered walls,
  cracked and broken from each strike.

Pillars structurally not sound, against all condemnation,
  you beat, longing, wanting, leading us to a calamity.

Body, yes ; my sweet beloved.
  we know each other you and I.
     Stop, hear my plea; please stop.
         Don't beat, don't long, don't want,
               He will be our 【Ｅｎｄ】

Where is the color?
    Red , blues & orange hues.
Where is the sound?
    Singing Birds, overplayed love songs on repeat.
Where is the smell?
    Cheap coffee blends on your breath.
Where is the touch?
    Rough, gentle, callused hands.

Drifting in an endless tide of nothingness,
    Dark, silent, odorless nights.
         "I love you" loses its luster,
            "Forever" loses it shine
                 Bliss becomes sorrow,
                     Tears become strength,
                        Ashes becomes flame,
                            Red knees of prayer become sore feet,
                               I look in the mirror and find peace. . .
I learned to love again,
      not for you,
            but for me,
                 I learned to say "I love you" to the man in the mirror,
                    Accept, learn and stand once more.
                        Its easy being with you, but hard being alone.
                            Thank you my old beloved.

Moonlight, you which gazes down on me . . .mockingly.
I see your light, I see your smile, I see your mockery.
I kick, scream, reach , plead , gasp for air,
in this ocean of regret, age, and despair.
"Let me be free", "Let me escape"
But this is no fairy tail, this is life.
From a child who cried when they could not finish the lunch their mother worked so hard to buy.
To a man, who's shackles of love, family, devotion and pride only pull me down deeper, deeper, deeper into my own excruciating extremities.  

What are these feelings of longing, of fear, of despair, that have yet to occur?Why do they hold me?
What is this anxiety?
Dear heart, please change your pulse only for me,
let me be free, let me forget all their faces, let me be me. . .
I plead, I plead and I plead. . .
No one is listening, Nobody cares. . .
Only the moon which gazes upon me notices, but only to mock me. .

Sweet love,
old aesthete flame
  under a frozen autumn breeze
     I learned how to trust

  Warm inure flickering flame,
      I grow terrified,
         I opened up,
            and now there is an "us"

Sweet flame,
squeeze me tight,
   hold me tonight,
      bind me to your warmth.

Frozen Autumn breeze,
    listless flame extinguished,
          my heart is buried in dust,
             two heartbeats diverge into one.

Terrified once more,
    alone,
      & bound to you. . .

-𝐵𝑜𝓊𝓃𝒹

The smell of melons & sweat,
from your cheap clean shampoo, amongst the dreary rain.
Two wet lips met, in your ancient truck.
We'd talk about our future, as I lay my head on your lap.
Time was trivial, just the thrill of eyes that may see.
I want to be loved,
I want to be yours,
In another life, we will meet again
amongst the smell of melons, muddy cleats & ***** rain.
I want to be loved,
I want to be yours 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃

Minutes turn to hours,
  time is listless,
     the meeting is dreary,
        she wags her finger as if scolding a child,
           scorned, humiliated, ashamed. . . .
            " you are not qualified to challenge the system"

Ivory towers,
   fools in regalia,
         they think themselves kings,
              deciding what is good academic art.


For years I cried,
     For years I tried,
          Mocked,
              irrelevant,
                shadow. . I became. . .

I saw the best minds of my generation,
  and I was not one, creativity had come and gone,  
       the flame of thought extinguished for I was told "You can't"
            so many times. . . my heart started to beat to its metronomic rhythm!

I can!
"You Can't"
I want to write
"You are not good enough"
Why cant we create creative pieces?
"Academic research is all that matters"
Why
"Who would you be?"
. . .

I am me,
I like to write,
  About flowers, indigenous ****, and a love that can never be.
       & that makes me 𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽.
          So let my peers reach the accolades,
             let my peers be published,
                    let my peers fit your definition of "great"

But I am me,
I am happy,
isn't that what matters?

Tremors felt for miles,
    Destructive earthquake breakdown my walls,
                                           stimulating endless profane thoughts,
                                                                    I long , for just your 𝓽𝓸𝓾𝓬𝓱.

Cracked walls,
filled with cheap plaster. . .
   built upon broken foundations. . .
      building on fire,
         what a mess , this home is . . .
             Open the door, enter at your risk. . .
                 Just know love is game,
                    & I am already falling apart.
                          a game I have resigned

so be afraid,
     be prepared,
        for these walls,
           to topple and fall.
               for I am losing this game. . .

- ⓦⓐⓛⓛⓢ

Sweet troubles of melancholy far removed,
     Ardent blight tattered heart,
        whimsical memories of yesterday. . .
           two young souls which loved and played,
              broken heartbeats in perfect synchrony,
                  old cigars and 3 a.m. faded masks,
                         you begged me to stay.
                               longed for love,
                                         but loathed your touch. . .
                                     when did I stray?

-Stray

I am a giver,
    a hopeless romantic,
       who gives happiness,
             what no one has given to me.
yet, they call me crazed, and deranged.
I can be the smartest person in the world,
      all it takes, is for one person to say "you are insane"
          then comes the doubt,
               the self hate,
                    self loathe,
                       and finally the loss of myself.
but I am a giver,
  a hopeless dreamer,
       who wishes for happiness,
           when none exists in an endless cycle,
               that never ceases to exist.

-🅶🅸🆅🅴🆁

I hold myself at night,
“I do”. . .  distant echoes, awake at night at your side.
The smell of linen, your snores so distant and yet so close.
I hate myself for dreaming. . .
Of someone coming to dance with me,
Even though they hate dancing only because
it's with me and no one else.
I hate myself for dreaming. . .
Knowing it's not you,
“I do” distant echoes, young lovers. . .
Formerly in love

Paint me naked,
A million ways,
    I will never be content,
       With what gazes back .

"you can be anything"-mama said
       But I couldn't, I wanted to be his
            Death took him from me
                 -𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚢

I am the product,
  of a lover who could not love,
    a poet who could not write,
       people who could not live,
          a human who was inhumane.

I am a product,
   made. . .
      fake. . .
       & his greatest mistake. . .

-ⓟⓡⓞⓓⓤⓒⓣ

Forgive me,
I am a cheater, a breaker of vows, a breaker of love.
   through ardent passion,
     I found a thrill,
       no a dream,
         that I call my own,
             he smiles,
                and I forsake you,
                     he speaks,
                        and I fall to my knees,
                           he touches me,
                             and I fail you
forgive me,
  hypocrisy,
     un-pure, yellow, tainted I pray to you. . .
        and through his kiss ,
            I 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐲 you.

Ay mi amor,
  sangre de mis venas,
     lleno de amor
       por la patria
          las legendes de ridículo
              Comida de de los indios
ay mi amor
    lloro por ti,
        por el dia
           que visito los montes
               con su monasterios,
                   de dios. . .

I cried and cried,
   & the bird sang to me,
I cried and cried
   & the sun dripped his warm nectar onto me
I cried and cried
   & the moon with its endless reminder of beauty mocked me
So I dried my eyes,
  & laid in a quilt of grass
      in earthen sheets
         I went to sleep and forget,
              until I cry 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃.

The world does not stop,
    from the trees,
          to the birds,
            always 𝓂🏵𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔,
               and I towards my tomb.

This bed; 𝓘 lay alone. . .
I d𝓸𝓷'𝓽 want to be alone. . .
    I 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽 you; next to me
       Please let 𝓾𝓼 conjoin and become one
          take me 𝓽𝓸 the heavens
             Take me to a happy place 𝓫𝓮 kind. . .  
                𝓪 duo, becomes one. . .
                  I lay alone living amongst this 𝓶𝓮𝓶𝓸𝓻𝔂. . .

Forgive me I am broken,
     I throw myself in strangers arms,
            for warmth?
                  for love?
                      for happiness?
Forgive me for being profoundly hopeless,
   for if love is a game, I ****.
      They took him from me,
         no green mushrooms to bring him back,
              no rainbow stars,
                     hard, cold, reality.
Forgive me for it does not hurt when a stranger 🄻🄴🄰🅅🄴🅂

Cool aloof desert breeze,
  million needle stings on dry scared skin,
    tells the tale of many heartbreaks.
      Seasons change, but love is not profound.

Unfiltered sand scrapes futile eyes,
     waiting on a field of dead frozen grass,
          a fool chases hearts
                fixing what is missing
                         only to cry once more.

"it must be the unrelenting desert sand. . "
   " it must be the cool desert breeze. . . "
                   "he loves me"

just a fool chasing hearts in a frost dying world
    waiting
             waiting
                    waiting
                           imagining
                                   that
                                       "he loves me"

-𝔇𝔢𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔱 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔢𝔷𝔢

Poetic ineptitude,
Stolen words, are not just words.
    Each word is a moment,
         Each minute a moment of longing, touch and smell.
            Each sense is the tale of a past lover, friend and family. . .

words without substance,
      are just words. . .

- 𝓹𝓸𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓾𝓭𝓮

Forgive me for my anger idealistic fools,
  advocating for equality for all ( but only for some)  
    while our people are pinned by the rage of distant past,
       the trusting Campeche a warrior of great who opened his heart,
         while his body defiled for human greed.

Where is equality when our mother weeps,
   for the land of blood, pillage and ****,
   where is equality for the children murdered by plague and disease?
     When our heritage becomes an attraction written on the marquee

when do we weep,
   for my people,
      who opened their heart
  only to find torment and hate.

-ɪɴᴅɪɢᴇɴᴏᴜꜱ ʀᴀᴘᴇ

Change your hair,
  Change your face,
       Change yourself,
           put him first,
Change , Change, Change,
          one thing stays the same. . . it's not you. . .
               it will never be you. . .
                        so consistent.

The scars on my hands,
remind me of each scratch,
strangers, dates, fear, anxiety, leads to scratch.

The scars on my hands,
remind me of the itching that stopped,
when you held them and said "stop"

Tattoo & regrets,
laughs, throw up, drinks, oh sweet memories.
Of when we we're young and in love.

Weight gains and wrinkles,
anxiety, fear, longing
leads to new scars on each hand.

Arguements and cheating,
tears, anger, violence,
three becomes two, just me and the dog.

Time does not forgive,
happiness is not eternal,
memories replay and replay, what could I have done differently?
Tell me to "stop" please stop this itch, stop these scars from forming.
As I long until we meet again in another life. . .

-𝐿𝑜𝓃𝑔𝒾𝓃𝑔

ℌ𝔢 𝔫𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔯𝔢𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫
no goodbyes, no words uttered
Yet, all I could wonder . . .
   is how I stand on my feet?

"me"
"me"
"me"

    I'm sorry lover. . .
I know see your mistake.

Our love is made of unspoken silence,
Closed lips that age and ripen,
inside our broken heart.
Our heart which weeps the soul,
agonizing, arduous, still. .  
why, do we keep it in,
only to sustain this anguish,
hundreds of words , to three, to silence.

I am sustained in you,
  your words penetrate the darkest caverns of my soul,
        your being is the vertigo of my fantasy,
           I fall at your knees, and drink from your springs,
                your very essence fills me,
                       an endless reminder of my fear,
                                my loss of breath,
                                            for I am sustained in you,
                                                         I hesitate, to let this dream end.
& I know this wanting of belonging,
    is a reflection of me onto you,
        but yet in the silence,
             my soul cries for you!
                    my sweet 𝓃𝒾𝓇𝓋𝒶𝓃𝒶

When you are angry at him and you yell,
    Just remember. . .
       Some of us wish we could see him, talk to him, yell at him.
             Life is cruel and fast always 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓱 it.

He does not know how to run,
  run after; love, dreams, aspirations
     when you left, you broke him
         I want to fix him. . . but I can't.
             That's the worst feeling in this earth.

Hospital beeps turn into Adagio op.11,
As you close your eyes, hoping it masks the pain.
A white, purple-faced babe screams, covered in his mother's fluids,
flashes
A boy plays with a toy car, his mother screams, and his father punches things.
flashes
A boy meets a girl, and they fall in love, first heartbreak.
flashes
Autumn leaves of orange, red, and yellow in Hughes turn brown as they fall and decay.
flashes
You sit on the edge of your bed, holding yourself, how she held you, crying, pleading, for every moment you could have had, you did not make an effort to see your mother
flashes
your marriage falls apart, the bills pile up, and you die inside
flashes
you gaze in the mirror, and time is not kind, wrinkles stare back, your hair recedes, and you're alone, old, beaten, broken
flashes
now you lay dying contemplating your life, contemplating each word and each fight, as you pushed those you loved away
your life flashes before you, but it is too late,
time does not forgive,
it waits for no one,
and it is gone in a flash.

Learn to forgive, Learn to admit you're wrong
best of all love, hold them close and never let go.

Yellow flowers of 𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥,
  we mourn and come upon their pupils,
      under the many colors of papal picado,
        endless rainbow of sweet emotion,
                a distant reminder of what past,
                         what is gone,
                               & what is eternal

Sit alone,
  in the darkness of my own anguish
   the question lingers " 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒾𝒻 "
        Life was not cruel . . .
        Your eyes never closed. . .
         Never ceasing to exist. . .

"𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒾𝒻"
    we lived until we were old. . .
        we loved until we tired. . .
            - and you were not ashamed of who I've become. . .

The clock strikes,
  & here I sit
     alone.

Yet I tell myself,
    I am happy,
        regretfully happy,
            to live another day. . .
                                  ironic. . .
I'd give the world to be with you. . .
       & yet I am happy to be away for another day. . .

Life is a chasm of dark solitude,
   my dear eternal love,
        I wish with my all heart,
            to close my eyes,
                 and meet in a sweet embrace.
                       for this pain is unforgettable,
                             I lose myself to a sea of my emotions,
                                               I drown in tears and sorrow,
Yet life is cruel,
    when I lose my breath,
       it pulls me up in a state of melancholy,
          I mourn, I mourn, and mourn
            in this punishment of damnation
               to live in solitude, longing for death
                       a death which does not come
                            so we can love once more.
                                my dear 𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓁💮𝓋𝑒

In the vast expanse of space We found each other’s embrace Our love, a shining star Guiding us from afar

We dance among the constellations Our hearts beating in syncopation The universe, our playground Our love, forever profound

We gaze at the Milky Way Our love, a never-ending display We’ll travel the cosmos together Our love, a bond that will last forever

The world is black and white,
darkness and sounds at birth, darkness and sounds at death.
We yearn to change the world, dreamers, confined to reality.
To truly live, not just pass the minutes, hours, and days.
𝖘𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊 from my mundane existence.

Pillow muffled ｓｃｒｅａｍｓ,
   "mama it bleeds"
        slap to the face
               blasphemous lies
                    - liar

ｈａｎｄｓ trespass every crevice,
      "he touches me"
             every word lost
                  you are crazed
                   - crazy

beep. . . beep. . . beep. . .
     withered hair
        wrinkled arms,
            eyes that cried,
                gasps and screams
                    - gone

𝙸 𝚍𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚌𝚛𝚢
   𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝐼 𝓂𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁 𝓁𝒾𝑒𝓈
                                                      
                                             ʙʟᴀꜱᴘʜᴇᴍᴏᴜꜱ ʟɪᴇꜱ

Take my heart,
        hold my hands,
unspoken words,
  revealed by sweat.

Take the risk,
run with me,
   let us build a white picket fence,
to be watched from a big porch.

So try,
   touch every inch,
feel my heat,
   forget the fear
put our song on ,
  dance with me,
      like two uncoordinated fools.
let my heart guide you home,
        let my voice be your guide,
-Dreamers

Red, White , Blue and even purple too!
    The most sensational being,
                 on warm summer day.
                    Frigid, Cool and collected,
                         Beautiful until you melt
                  your insides show, molt and transform into a monstrosity
                                       -🅿🅾🅿🆂🅸🅲🅻🅴

Imagine the sky turns red,
Imagine the palm trees in flames,
Imagine the desert turns to ice,
Imagine the night never comes,
Imagine stars do not dazzle and grow bright,
Imagine, the world comes to and end,
Imagine, our hands intertwined,
   as we stare into one another's eyes,
         as we clutch one another, would it matter?
                  as we take our last breath, would I be enough?
It would not matter, for it would never come to be.
For, this is just a dream, of my imagination.

An abandoned fire loses its spark,
The warbler in love sings its song,
Only to find silence, please come back to me. . .

The innumerable ties, that you gave me.
The childish tricks, that you deceived me.
I'd rather be dead, then forgotten.

I stopped into a church
I prayed for him to go away
Everyday the sky is gray . . .
I cried , he looked at me & I died. . .
      "Please go away"
             "leave me alone"
                   "stop staring"
unanswered pleas down on my knees
                        I 𝕡𝕣𝕒𝕪
               but he never goes away
                         -𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔩𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫

"why do you always cry"

maybe. .  just maybe. .
I am an emotional wreck,
  who cried on the bathroom floor,
    for love and loss and turned into a fragile core.


maybe. . just maybe. .
  earth is my purgatory,
    an endless mirage of torment and misery
      that is deserved for when I chose you,
        I left him.
          and the words I said to him,
             " I love you"
                 became . . .
𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕

Endless blue,
sweet endless blue. . .
salt in the air, waves wave "hello"
tranquil cloudlessness, driving down the "American road"
Singing the blues.

10 fingers intertwine,
morning coffee on the breath.
no need to ask,
for deep down,
" I love you" flashes on the imaginary marquee. .  .

Grey,
endless dreariness. .
The smell of rain and mildew in the air. . .
the sheets, yell "goodnight"
Tranquil silence, staying in "our home"
feeling so blue. . .

2 heartbeat diverge and become 1,
morning sunlight through dusty blinds,
no need to ask,
for deep down,
I know you are gone. .  .

-2 ʜᴇᴀʀᴛʙᴇᴀᴛꜱ