We are a flame,
   with age we grow,
        brighter,
           stronger,
             more ardent than the stars above,
                with age we die
                    to illuminate the next life.

The sounds of his sleep-filled snores, a polyrhythm.
To the echoes in my aching hollowed chest,
His eyelashes, beautiful, but a constant reminder,
Of what was loved, lost, and still in the back of my mind.
In this anguish of the sleepless nights.

He tosses and turns, in his slumberous shifts, his hand seeks mine.
Comfort and warmth, instinct, but not delight.
In his touch, my stomach churns in disgust, at myself.
I yearn for your touch, I yearn for your warmth,
Your embrace, that seeks solace against my body, which is burning alive.

This cruel irony, he loves me so.
This closeness, this warmth,
whispered lies of "I love you"
eyes that trace the ceiling, each imperfection, a reminder of this imperfect life.
Each creak, of this house, of words unsaid.
Each snore, a measure of my acting in this trance,
Unbind me from this torture, unbind me from your love.
I miss you so , I miss you so, please set me free
so I can love again.

No sabia de ternura,
            ni de abrazos,
                ni de besos,
                    eso mi enseñó mama
                         y mi dijo que uno nunca tiene que llorar

y con eso la luz se pierde
ya no supe amar.

when he asks
   to still be friends
      remember the strong take pity on the weak,
        the lion hunts the prey,
            if the lion bites,
                it will bite again.
- ㄥ𝒾σ𝓝

Take my lips, and stain them.
Take my arms, and hold them,
Take my heart, and break it.
Take my eyes, so they can see,

Take my hips, and move them.
Take my legs, dance with them.

Better yet. . .

Take my soul, into yours.
   So we can dance in a state of purgatory
      in endless bliss, take me. . .

-T͓̽a͓̽k͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽e͓̽

Our first kiss tasted like forever,
we grew up poor, different , outcasted.
Your eyes, once bright, filled with smiles.
Do you remember the math class, where we sat in silence. .
It was just me and you. .
Do you remember the nights of longing, touch and desire.
We planned our future. .
Do you remember when I told you in college "**** it lets run away"
Without hesitation my ride and die said "lets go"
Remember those memories, remember the happiness, remember me.
Your eyes, once bright, are dimming,
I am chasing a shadow, a ghost of my loved one, who is still living.
All for what? A different kind of high,
was I not enough, were we not enough?
the man who looks back at me,
is a stranger in our home,
please let me fill whatever void haunts you,
I'll be kinder,
I'll be funnier,
I'll try harder,
come back to me, I feel my heart losing patience,
a fading memory of love,
I grasp each memory, through your distance, through your screams,
through your anger.
but this grip loosens,
it slips away into this world,
of grief for you're alive,
but dead to me.
I loved you,
I am trying to love you
through this life you chose. . .
I'm sorry.

Minutes turn to hours,
  time is listless,
     the meeting is dreary,
        she wags her finger as if scolding a child,
           scorned, humiliated, ashamed. . . .
            " you are not qualified to challenge the system"

Ivory towers,
   fools in regalia,
         they think themselves kings,
              deciding what is good academic art.


For years I cried,
     For years I tried,
          Mocked,
              irrelevant,
                shadow. . I became. . .

I saw the best minds of my generation,
  and I was not one, creativity had come and gone,  
       the flame of thought extinguished for I was told "You can't"
            so many times. . . my heart started to beat to its metronomic rhythm!

I can!
"You Can't"
I want to write
"You are not good enough"
Why cant we create creative pieces?
"Academic research is all that matters"
Why
"Who would you be?"
. . .

I am me,
I like to write,
  About flowers, indigenous ****, and a love that can never be.
       & that makes me 𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽.
          So let my peers reach the accolades,
             let my peers be published,
                    let my peers fit your definition of "great"

But I am me,
I am happy,
isn't that what matters?

I am a giver,
    a hopeless romantic,
       who gives happiness,
             what no one has given to me.
yet, they call me crazed, and deranged.
I can be the smartest person in the world,
      all it takes, is for one person to say "you are insane"
          then comes the doubt,
               the self hate,
                    self loathe,
                       and finally the loss of myself.
but I am a giver,
  a hopeless dreamer,
       who wishes for happiness,
           when none exists in an endless cycle,
               that never ceases to exist.

-🅶🅸🆅🅴🆁

December 30th, 2012

So pure and young, sweet love.
              I'm trapped in your song,
                    I wonder what you'd say,
                                I am completing your dream,
                                               Dr., Dr., Dr., that is all you'd say.
Sweet love,
  you are the silence in my eyes,
       the reason I cry at night, the reason I try so hard to live.
           yet, like raindrops in the summer heat,
               each moment passes like a blur,
                    a reminder that I could have done more,
                       so my sweet love I ask,
                             "are you ashamed of me"
                                 " are you ashamed of what I become"
                                       & in the unknowing,
                                           I know and weep
                                                for I fear your response,
                                                       when we meet.
                                                               ѕωєєт ℓσνє

Plethora of eyes
  may this moment be sempiternal.
am I finally the jewel in the harem,
  I always find excuses for the inexcusable
  I always see the best in the worst
  I always drop the world for you only to be told "busy"
The eyes are always murmuring
  always clamoring
     always surround you
I want to yell,
but I am stuck in this never ending imbrication
slowly,
the good heart gives up,
the excuses dry up
you become the worst

sunny skies turn grey,
my sunshine no longer radiates.
and the evocative message sent finally hits.

-Good-

Cracked walls,
filled with cheap plaster. . .
   built upon broken foundations. . .
      building on fire,
         what a mess , this home is . . .
             Open the door, enter at your risk. . .
                 Just know love is game,
                    & I am already falling apart.
                          a game I have resigned

so be afraid,
     be prepared,
        for these walls,
           to topple and fall.
               for I am losing this game. . .

- ⓦⓐⓛⓛⓢ

I'm tired of waiting,
with open arms and this longing heart,
this anxiety of hearing your voice,
this dread of dreaming. . .
of those nights, past, present and fictitious
I am tired of waiting,
until we meet in our next life.

Pillow muffled ｓｃｒｅａｍｓ,
   "mama it bleeds"
        slap to the face
               blasphemous lies
                    - liar

ｈａｎｄｓ trespass every crevice,
      "he touches me"
             every word lost
                  you are crazed
                   - crazy

beep. . . beep. . . beep. . .
     withered hair
        wrinkled arms,
            eyes that cried,
                gasps and screams
                    - gone

𝙸 𝚍𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚌𝚛𝚢
   𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝐼 𝓂𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁 𝓁𝒾𝑒𝓈
                                                      
                                             ʙʟᴀꜱᴘʜᴇᴍᴏᴜꜱ ʟɪᴇꜱ

Found myself swaying to your tune,
   smiling at me, under the 6 a.m. ardent light. . .

Tell me I am crazy,
    & I'll say its for you. . .

The smell of coffee in the air,
   fresh paint, picket fences and hardly mowed lawn.

Drift, my head gently into you,
  I just want to keep swaying to this tune. . .

Glass break,
   a photo of me and you. . .
         an altar a cruel reminder.
             I found myself swaying . . . alone. . .

- Life's cruel lies

Sweet love,
old aesthete flame
  under a frozen autumn breeze
     I learned how to trust

  Warm inure flickering flame,
      I grow terrified,
         I opened up,
            and now there is an "us"

Sweet flame,
squeeze me tight,
   hold me tonight,
      bind me to your warmth.

Frozen Autumn breeze,
    listless flame extinguished,
          my heart is buried in dust,
             two heartbeats diverge into one.

Terrified once more,
    alone,
      & bound to you. . .

-𝐵𝑜𝓊𝓃𝒹

Fiery mysterious exchanges of passion and pings,
an undiluted heart,
ever wondering, wanting, yearning, for more.
Unrelenting words that arrive in seconds. . .

Ordinary texts to incite conversation,
with invitations to serve as reassurance,
a heart that dwindles but still cares,
words that arrive in minutes. . .

Mundane routine,
eyes that barley peek,
ears that barley perk,
words that barley flow in hours.

Uninteresting,
forgotten memories,
ever so distant, ever so close, but ever unwanted.
and words that lay unread. . .


-ᵤₙᵣₑₐd

Take my heart,
        hold my hands,
unspoken words,
  revealed by sweat.

Take the risk,
run with me,
   let us build a white picket fence,
to be watched from a big porch.

So try,
   touch every inch,
feel my heat,
   forget the fear
put our song on ,
  dance with me,
      like two uncoordinated fools.
let my heart guide you home,
        let my voice be your guide,
-Dreamers

Let me live
   under a tree of insecurity,
       with flowers falling,
           like flecks of rust off old iron
              painting a picture
                  of a bird that could not fly,
                        a dog that could not bark,
                            and a man who could not admit " I loved you"

What
         if
           the
                 world
                           was
                                 like
                                       two
                                               souls
                                                          t­hat
                                                             ­     conjoin
What
           if
                the
                    souls
                ­            were
                                  just
         ­                               &
                                           right
                                                 dancing
                                                               in
                                                              ­     harmony
                
Leaving us in a state of endless ecstasy
                     --flowers for bombs—
                            No races, religion or ***
         in the phantasmal state.

       Stars pass and time is endless like a life age on earth
Timeless—
  Then I hear the neighbor sing, ****, never mind we are in a
         endless purgatory

Fairytale's do not exist,
  you will not awake from a grown mans kiss,
     he will swipe right, kiss you at night, and be gone the next day.

Fairy godmother will not free you,
   you will be bound the corporate overload that pays you,
     they will use you and abuse you, until you are discarded.

No one will climb your hair,
  you will fade into obscurity,
     a figment of a "friendship" that once existed


and even then
   in the face of reality
      I still believe people are good at heart.

-Gₒₒd ₐₜ ₕₑₐᵣₜ

Obscene ugly bird,
Thunderous scream, what rare song
Un-cage and be free

*Being different is freedom

Forgive me for my anger idealistic fools,
  advocating for equality for all ( but only for some)  
    while our people are pinned by the rage of distant past,
       the trusting Campeche a warrior of great who opened his heart,
         while his body defiled for human greed.

Where is equality when our mother weeps,
   for the land of blood, pillage and ****,
   where is equality for the children murdered by plague and disease?
     When our heritage becomes an attraction written on the marquee

when do we weep,
   for my people,
      who opened their heart
  only to find torment and hate.

-ɪɴᴅɪɢᴇɴᴏᴜꜱ ʀᴀᴘᴇ

Among a sea of weeds,
be a rose,
elegant,
  beautiful,
      timeless,


- ᖇOᔕE

An endless metronymic rhythm of madness,
  time does not stop.
     Each wave crashes,
        Each wave pushes me down,
            gasping for air, gasping for life,
                  "hold on" . . .
                        caught in your endless sea
                            drowning, giving into the pressure.
                                   your pressure

knowing all to well,
         I am not the only one. . .
               giving myself to someone who is not good for me no more.

- Wave

Evanescent dreams,
   I am deaths epitome,
      lost my lover at 16,
         lost my friend at 23,
           then I lost my dog when do I feel lassitude.
why punish me with a plethora of death?
Such a resonant song,
susurrus voices
say " leap from zenith"
into true tranquility.

You're happier without me,
I know I wasn't what you wanted.
Please, say you miss me, even though we both know you don't.
Say you love me . . . once more.

She had given up
     Danced through the night
                   In a bubble in limbo
                      She hit such a low
                         Yet, through exuberant eyes
                              Shrouded in mystery
                                   He broke down her wall
                                       when she had given up the fight
                                         black hair turns to gray
                                            Yet, through exuberant eyes
                                                            ­  of absolute anguish
                                                         ­          her teams stream her soul
                                                            ­                                   for all to see
for he broke down her wall
the stream flows
she sinks slowly down
covered hearts in kisses disappear
into a broken heart

given into despair
she dances through the night
in limbo once more

praying until they meet again. . .

skin does not define us. . .
  yet I was born two shades darker,
    the world decided,
       that credit is lopsided,
          that crime is not misguided
             & that inclusion is adequality provided
                therefore, exclusion is justified.

skin defines us,
  keeps us divided
     shows "true" colors
         I should be angry?
            but I feel ashamed.
               not of color,
                 but of the human ЯΛᄃΣ

Keep the door closed
    for the love to erupt
Keep the light off
    for the trigger to spark
Look away from me
    for my pride not to break
Make me yours
    Don't talk, Don't be rough, for it reminds me of him

  -- Why do I not allow myself to love?--

We live in endless dread,
    we are born to love. .
Under a burden of societal views,
and fear of solitude.
   Told,
we are incomplete alone.

Flawed,
   burdened,
      built to sadly love.

-Alone-

Cool desert breeze
   under the peach tree
      you told me you loved me . . .
         flowers bloomed, it was cliche. .
and just like the movies. . .
it came to an end. .
you were strong I was weak. .

you found him,
   and that was goodbye

This world was so mundane,
  forever lost within my own narcissistic dreary storm.
    "Hey are you listening"
        blue seas,
             blue skies,
                eyes. . .that make me feel insignificant
            

black,
faltered thoughts,
gone.

Now all I see is eyes, covered in masks.
A horrid reminder of a man,
    who made me fee insignificant
        a horrid reminder
          of the failure I have become
             clinging to three words. . . "I love you"

Falling apart,
  crack
      crack
         crack
           do you hear my heart. .
Hugging myself
        breathe
           breathe
              breathe
            please help me breathe.
Lay in the tub
          come up
             come up
               come up
            It's your voice I hear. .

Please let me flow towards the sun,
  let me drift towards you.
     let us meet once more, in another life.
          please help me. . .

Between two musical notes,
   exists the memory of us dancing to your heartbeat.
      grains of sand between our toes, shoes we could not afford.
         getting strange looks,
               you took my hand,
                  & we danced. . .

𝓕𝓲𝓻𝓼𝓽 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮

Firm calloused hands,
  tell the tale of many struggles,
     beatings, ****, child marriage. . .

Firm calloused hands,
  unflattering,
               tattered,
                  beaten by age,
Tell the tale of a women's struggle,
    feeding 12 kids, drunk husband, alone. . .


Machismo. . .
    does it make you man?
       Please take a page from those firm calloused hands. . .

Don't give me up,
I wanted to fight this pit in my chest,
but your hands, built a different home.
a beautiful garden, with a white picket swing,
and two souls that aren't mine,
I am just a ghost.

Don't give me up,
My love, a tumultuous sea of emotion,
of longing, of want, of pain.
this weight I carry in my chest,
where echoes of your laughter bloom,
but not for me.

Perhaps, in another life, in another time, in a distant future.
where sunlight is dark,
where rivers run backwards,
where clocks stand still,
we will meet again.
what is this pain? how unfair is this love. .  

Look at me, look at the battles I fought,
look the wars and bullets I took in silent rooms,
the pleas, the tears, I swallowed in the night,
you would see my hand, alone waiting for you warmth.

I asked you to choose,
what for? I already knew the answer.
you walked away, you didn't fight. . .
you fought for them, and left me on this battlefield in my chest,
broken, maimed, longing but above all loving,
someone who does not love me,
& that is the most painful thing in the world.
-Goodbye.

The smell of melons & sweat,
from your cheap clean shampoo, amongst the dreary rain.
Two wet lips met, in your ancient truck.
We'd talk about our future, as I lay my head on your lap.
Time was trivial, just the thrill of eyes that may see.
I want to be loved,
I want to be yours,
In another life, we will meet again
amongst the smell of melons, muddy cleats & ***** rain.
I want to be loved,
I want to be yours 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃

Sit alone,
  in the darkness of my own anguish
   the question lingers " 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒾𝒻 "
        Life was not cruel . . .
        Your eyes never closed. . .
         Never ceasing to exist. . .

"𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒾𝒻"
    we lived until we were old. . .
        we loved until we tired. . .
            - and you were not ashamed of who I've become. . .

The clock strikes,
  & here I sit
     alone.

Yet I tell myself,
    I am happy,
        regretfully happy,
            to live another day. . .
                                  ironic. . .
I'd give the world to be with you. . .
       & yet I am happy to be away for another day. . .

A single ugly monster keychain remains,
it whispers through the garbage juice stains,
I'm sorry I threw it away, and dug it from the trash once more.
memories surge, of your sly smile, the subtle wink and the dominating gaze.
free me from these half-forgotten dreams.

I trace each line upon your face, your eyes, your mouth
searching for an answer , why, why why?
I want to be near you, I want to feel the warmth,
only to dig myself more into this hole of longing.
this keychain is all I hold, please , give me the strength to throw it away, to throw us away.
I am weak, for this story tragically untold.
wanting, longing, pleading, hoping.

When your heart turns blue,
  remember our moment under the ugly tree,
    turn tears into smiles,
       when your heart is weary of misery ,
            turn to me. . .
                let me hold hold those feelings of melancholy.

-Ⓣ𝓊尺ᑎ 𝕋𝑜 м𝒆

I want to write a novel;
   of my many heartbreaks.
But my brain whispers;
  "he still won't come back"
I want to pickup my pen;
   see melodic reflections in tears.
But;
   he made my eyes dry.

-Sweet honey

Why can't we hold one another in the street?
Why can't we kiss and hold hands?
Why do you pretend I am a friend?

Are you afraid,
   of dark eyes all around
I can't stop silent tears
  I know we have to hide
why is our love hopeless?

I want to shout
   from the rooftop
   from the street
I want to
   kiss
   hold hands
I want others to know
   I am not just a friend. . .

Is it so hard to simply be yours-

We are told that we are citizens of a nation,
  a nation so great and prideful,
     we are a gallant knight of freedom.
        Yet where is the freedom in choosing between two rapists.
               - Those are our choices America the beautiful-

CHOICES.

In my lowest,
   came the "hello"
Alluring eyes
   I'll admit
It was love at first sight.

    Endless hours
& words expressed
     Did you hear it echoing?
the heartbeat?

Beautiful Smiles
   Fiery kisses
empty bottles
    ***** sheets.

Paragraphs
  turned into "ok."
and an unread
you set off a dream in me.
Can you hear the echoing?
of my heartbeat?

Shattered dreams
   Empty tears
a one night stand
   but not for me. . .

this love is not enough.
--for me--

Dusty pages, amongst sullen skies of grey.
The smell of dry citrus and chamomile in the air,
my heart reaching for the heavens . . .
where your laughter once thundered down from above filling the chasms of solitude, of longing, of yearning to hear you once more.
To feel your touch, a slight warmth against my skin, turns to a ghost pain; for that is all that you bring.
My fingers trace your face across the yellowed photographs, your smile, so full of life, so full of dreams, all gone in a second. These memories that envelope me, free me, save me, they draw me into this dying sea.
As I float, I see myself, fractured, broken, reflecting what is gone.
But its not me, it is someone else that stares back at me,
mocks me, for he seems happy. . .  
& I know that can not be me.