I was like a leaf bud falling from the branches of a tree during autumn, melancholy on the arrival of summer.

I am thinking about the song, you played a while ago. It captured my attention the same as the rhythm of my cold iced heart, that warmed once more by its lyrics about romantic adventures along the mountain and sky.

I remembered the words you uttered as I was captivated by your lips. Even though those words are ambiguous, I'll try to understand them. The triple times you said those three words mean everything to me.

I felt like I was trapped by the love before I realized the whole idea of it.  If you mean it, then I wouldn't doubt your love as I don't want to be hung by the gallows of sorrow if ever you break me.

The beauty of the sunset and we were surrounded by greens. You serenade me with a mellifluous song you composed as our eyes met.  You are so serene while I am narrating the moments of us in my poetry that describe the time you tell me you love me over and over.

You were on my mind.
I saw wonderful things with you.
However, I doubt it.
If I have the opportunity to witness it any longer.

I love you truly, that will exist.
Even if I saw death right in front of my eyes.
It won't change.

If God allows me to do so.
I swear, I'll find you.
In paradise where we can be together,
where there is no pain and death.

I'm so sorry, my love.
I regret not being able to come back home.
My home is where you are.

Have you heard her cries when the night passes?
Have you noticed her fears of failures and disappointments?
The childhood losses on her way, teenage skips on her process, as she needs to act like an adult who weighs heavy baggage.

Her angst and anger issues resulted from the pressure, to be always strong, don't make any wrong. She is like a parent to her siblings, and a caregiver to her aging parents. She is always being misunderstood, the one who is always blamed for other family member's wrong actions.

She is not healed yet from her past trauma, always putting others before herself but they neglect her feelings. Her bad temper identified as her negative traits not knowing the reason behind it.

The truth in this situation, she never wanted to be the firstborn. The one who witnessed every moment in her life that put her under tremendous pressure to be perfect in the eyes of her parents and a mature role model to her younger siblings.

She always needs to be at the forefront of every situation, the one who needs to be the first one to try before the other. Like a person who tastes food first, whether it has poison or not, but never releases the negativity that accumulates in her whole existence because she started to view taking help as a sin.

Her parents told her that they never worry about her, as she is independent and responsible, but little did, they know that their first child can be vulnerable too. It's tiring to handle aggression and disrespect after all the sacrifices she gave to please the people who never saw her effort to be a substitution for her parents. She is not allowed to expose her weaknesses and vulnerabilities, not knowing that she doesn't know how to take of herself because she is busy taking care of others. After all, they still called her bratty and an ungrateful child.

Afraid of having her children because of cycles of this trauma and the burden they put on her that leads to her attachment avoidant. She is afraid to trust even herself.  If you know how she perceives life with her own eyes, perhaps, you will understand the reason why she behaves like that.

She is a child too that needs to love and be understood.
She is your eldest daughter.

All these years, I wore a mask that was suited to other people's validity. I tried to ask for their acceptance to feel significant until it made me suffocated. Losing myself and emptiness felt in the depths of my heart. There's a hole that could never be filled by others. Behind this mask was my true self until I realized that I didn't need to hide anymore. I didn't need to cover myself from the world because love had found me.

The love I have for myself filled the hole inside my heart, exposing the true tenderness and goodness of the soul. My precious soul despite scars and imperfections, I know that I was beautiful. This love I have for myself surpasses all of the doubt and insecurities, uncovering the mask I have worn for so long, and embracing my uniqueness. This love nurtures my existence to be the best version. This love will keep me living.