i think that writers have a hard time loving people
because we fall in love more often with words
than we do with the people w beating hearts standing before us.
"just remember that the way you think about someone is the way that they actually are."
we fall in love with metaphors and similes and conceits.
we fall in love with the idea that we're the hopeless romantic
and that they're our savior.
but the paper has its limits.
and one day,
our pen will run out of ink.
our pencil will be out of lead,
and our hands will have cramped so bad
that we'd probably believe that we'd have carpel tunnel.
and what would we be left?
heartbreak.
because we'd be left to fall in love with nothing but
smudged lines, faded words, and crumpled up papers.

let's stop saying we don't care
because we do, and it affects us
and we can't say we won't let it bring us down
because that's admitting it's a bad thing
let's instead embrace it, embrace this life
take those ******* tests and do your ******* homework
like your life depends on it
and ******* enjoy it, why the hell not?
I don't want it to be written on my gravestone that
"She was tired of everything and gave up happiness"
or that "She wasted a good portion of life wishing it was better"
but rather "She was blessed and she was grateful".
Even doing nothing is something. Even any day at all
is still a beautiful day.

God has blessed me so, so, so, so, so much

war
the animal instincts of humanity
men
huge storms
demons
my own weaknesses
the idea no one actually likes me
approaching a group of people
ordering food at a restaurant
Sacred Heart
disappointing God
being misunderstood
dependence
mental and personal instability
yelling
nonreciprocation

"What and how much had I lost by trying to do only what was expected of me instead of what I myself had wished to do?" -Ralph Ellison

i think it's kind of absurd how i need to include
an abundance of metaphors
and a countless number of similes
included in any of my writings
for people to think it's good
and for me to feel okay with what i created
i have to clean and polish
every stanza
every line
every thought
for me to even consider it to be presentable
but not anymore
if i feel something that's angering me
or tearing up my insides to shreds
or even something that's filling up my body with warmth
i'm just gonna write
because i can
because i want to
because i feel it.
my grandma used to always tell me that finding the unrefined beauty in yourself is important
and cherishing it was even more so.
maybe i need to do the same with my writings