One day you find out
of the broken parts of me and I'm afraid that it'll hurt you too
so I could never tell you
how it feels to be encased into a mind of locked cells and silver bars
- but I love you!

you push me away, ask me why and all I can do is sigh,
"I'm disappointed in you" is all you muster, should I cry?
I soak in the hurt in your heart, the disappointment in your eyes
I never considered your feelings
it was I, who ruined things

I let you put the blame all on me,
on my stupidity and that I was just the same
as every other girl out there
"Did you think it was cool"
the words rolled off your tongue
so smooth
I stand there, shaking in fear,
all I could think is,

would you leave me?
seeing this side of me
would you go, as far away as you could?

I have no words to explain how my mind works
that without the pill, I'm falling into relapse and sickness series,
that vices help keep me fit
from sorrows and pain that is burning within me
I'll be okay for awhile, when the waves seem to be calming and free
but when the flood comes, I'm not ready for it
feelings of nostalgia and out of control hits me in the face
and knock me down to my knees
I reach for the thing
that reminds me that
pain is physical

hands are shaking, my heart is beating,
my mind is in a whirlpool I don't know why
and here it goes again,
the sea in my head now runs down my thighs in red
I don't mean to, but the pain
i feel now - at least it is real

you never met the me I was before
you never saw me as the wrecked and sunken ship
or how my feelings showed up on the splitting of my skin
with madness comes the bruising and indentations of me

many nights for many years, yanking at my hair,
eyes bleeding tears and "I'm sorry"s
I cannot fix myself
my mind fixates on the broken parts of me that used to be the reason
I try to die
you don't understand how I carved my pain onto my skin, into permanence that I'll see
so that I will always remember that grotesque and ugly part of me
that I hide from eyes that are scratching to reach

baby
I know what I've said
I know what I did
but baby

can't you hear my heart cry
can't you see me ******* die
Im afraid you think I'm not good enough
baby tell me why,
i don't know what to do
when I wake up without you
lying with an empty side
with nothing and not a clue

I must sound so crazy right now
but I really miss your sound
can you hold my hand once more
and tell me that you won't be gone for long

remember times where you kiss my cheek
or tell me things really sweet
I would smile and think that
I must be really happy

but look what has become of us
tell me what you think
about both of us apart
can you bear to break my heart
and leave me with a scar
baby dont leave me now
I'm falling apart

your scent lingering on
these cold sheets,
is all I have to remind myself
that you were here before

how can you be so cold
sometimes I wished you could
possibly tell me what you are thinking
but look at you,
your lips in a tight line
your eyes strained as if
to bring yourself out of here
I hold my knees to my chest
quietly, I sit here,
giving you enough space
maybe you would stay with me a little longer
hold my hands enough for me to feel warm again

if only you could tell me how you feel
I admit, I am of no help to you
I am trying, I promise
I will not ask you to make a decision
or start a conversation that I know you cannot answer
I will sit here quietly,
rocking in this chair in deafening silence
waiting for you to choose me,
choose me,
choose me,
for you to choose me.

it took me years
for me to face my fears
to realize that it is okay
to be bisexual

it took you a second
to spit out words of blame
now all I hear is,
the ringing of "wrong"
and the beat of "stupid"
a string of sharp knives
come right at my heart

I'm starting to cry
and ask myself why
is it so wrong to be me?

I dream of a painting of her
occupying one third of the canvas
painting of her on the left
leaving the rest of it blank and empty

although you may think this isn't right, and you are entitled to your own opinion.
I personally think it is something we are born with, we are not any less real than the rest.
They bleed and hurt the same as everyone else.
all I ask for is for equality.
(we shall not pray, it's not a miracle im asking and hoping for.)