I could possibly imagine
the different kind of persons
they would meet,
if they were to see me
for the first time,
but I don't know if I would ever
understand the way you look at me

there's no way to drown it out
please stop the lying
my heart can't hear anymore
my ears can't bear it anymore
don't ask me to love you
when you are loving someone else
please don't torment me like this

As a child, whenever we fall,
we keep standing up,
and eventually we could run

When I was a child and wondered why adults
always held a bottle in one hand,
and a cigarette in the other.
eyebrows furrowed and spoke in a tense, angry way

their tongues were like angry lashes
that whipped and hurt everything in its way
eyes so red you couldn't recognize them
adults, thats what they are

but now i get it
i get why when we grow up
we fall and we don't wish to get up anymore

what is the provenance of our suffering? what is the provenance of our pain?

in my mind screams imperfections. I’m ugly, grotesque, an abomination. I deserve no one

there is no way I can escape myself for I am trapped. lodged between the dead and the living, I must be somewhere in between. so badly I want to leave my place, to leave me entirely. leave to a better place, a better place in my head.

I must be delirious. thinking that I have lost too much of myself to remember who i am. I now exist as an insignificant shell of who I used to be.

I used to make bright, fluorescent yellow chalk to draw the lines. to create space between everything, like a vacuum. this separation was the good and bad, this separation was my feelings and I, this separation was my life. like all things else, it fades and goes away.

faded
faded
and faded
till one day I see it no more.
there was no line, no boundaries and no separation.

the horrors of my past haunted me
the guilt from inside my heart overwhelmed me
the crazy from deep in my mind resurfaced
the pain within my scars hurt again

I try to retreat back to familiarity
take cover, I say, take cover!
but there was no one left
I was alone
I am alone
just days ago, I thought i would never be
I thought wrong

I need air
I need to wake up
enough

doused with petrol and fire,
drowsiness and the lack of sobriety
bring me all that I desire
trepidation overcomes me.
they say there are two kinds of people in the world
one who comes out stronger,
another who dies in the crucible
maybe there’s the third
those who are used to the dirt
tearing the world into shreds
because that’s all she could understand

On a white wall,
I see flowers and vines stretched all over,
Like a blanket of beauty and life.
It was this big white wall
That helps make this house a safer one
Hugging this safe house (to say you are safe now)

On a white wall,

I see the blinks and sparkles
Of little stars and lights
Oh how strange this dark galaxy
Shines a light so white

On a white wall,

I see a mess
Of darkness and crimes
Scrawled all over was insanity
When feelings rise.

I am the girl stuck in the castle of mistakes and regrets
locked behind the bars of ‘what if’
chained to the walls of cynicism

being fed pain and tortured
by backstabs and betrayals
all I wanted was to leave this place
to be free
to be happy

leave the past behind
and take steps to a brighter future
smell the fresh air that embodies peace

but there’s no escape
there’s no escape