I'm just
SO TIRED OF MOVING!
I could barely bring myself to
pack up my toothbrush
it has been sitting in the same orange mug
for months now and
I need to move it?
my shampoo is now zipped away in a plastic baggy
and my hair ties strangle my brush
all that remains are my
pyjamas and tomorrow's clothes.
How quickly it all can change
one day I was
settling in, welcomed by a hug and
one day I was only,
eating dinner with you, made vegetarian for me and
one day I was alone at home and it was all okay and now
I need to move?
I hope you wish I could stay as much as I want to
I hope you think about me at dinner where there is no plate or cup
I hope when you walk past my door you get a
bittersweet smile
and you think about me for a few seconds of time
I now I will think about you each time they
do something slightly off
a little
too different than you would
and I
WANT TO GO HOME
I've been gone for far too long
(!)
but that would mean I need to
PACK IT ALL UP
and GET ON A PLANE
and it's just a little while longer
hold on sweetie, hold on

I am planning for a future that doesn't yet exist
I have calculated salaries I don't have
morgages for homes I don't own
hospital bills I don't yet need
I'm not sure if I have ever existed in the moment
At least,
Not this moment and not the next
I wish I could stay in my bed all day
A small patter of rain, a moment of peace, without boredom
I fail, of course,
I always seem to continue with my other plan
I keep my head down low
I keep myself shrunk into a sliver, barely a slice of a shadow
And I wonder why I'm not happy
And I wonder why nothing ever happens
And I wonder why I feel guilty all the time

I'm too afraid to say it
'cause that would make it real
I don't want anyone to worry,
it's really no big deal
and if you get concerned
then don't ask me how I feel
because I am choking on summer sun much too hot,
and I am dying in Arizona on a Sunday night
and I am dancing on a tabletop in a bar
and I am stealing a drag from secondhand smoke
and I won't say the word that I know is true
It's too big a mouthful
And if I can't handle it, how could you?