I know things are alright
and that they will actually get better
and if not better
they will get worse
but only for a moment
Only for a moment will the happiness last
the sadness
All life is
is moments
Moments on top of moments
Lessons on top of lessons
Hardships on top of ****** hardships
All for the big moment
which is life
I have come to despise moments
good or bad
I find no reason
I find it repetitive
I find the hardships especially a waste of time,
because why in all of these little moments
adding up to just one singular big moment
would there be pain in hardships?
Moments
I find there is no reason
Lessons
why have them, if the lesson itself is temporary
Hardships
why endure pain when all this is
is a
Moment

I am not a lovey person
though I love a lot
I do not like to hold hands
but I love a warm embrace
I am not a fan of hugging in public
but when we hug, let's not let go
I won't miss seeing you after a day or two
but I love seeing you when I get the chance
I don't show a lot of affection
I just simply don't
I would much rather be a goof ball
than a romantic goon
I adore kisses
and am a big believer in love
but in the smaller sense
In the random purchases of flowers
little notes
purchases of your favorite candy
(or whatever you've been craving lately)
I like the unexpected little things
I don't show much affection
but I do show love

Drowning
Suffocating
Constraining
These purely physically degrading sensations
feel so real just in my mind
I know I'm breathing fine
but I'm drowning
I know I have room to be
but I'm suffocating
I know I can move around
But I'm being constrained
The mind is a powerful machine
that's why I am terrified to fall asleep feeling the
Drowning
Suffocating
Constraining
purely physically degrading sensations
that are all wrapped up in my mind

Every time our eyes meet
I love you more
Which, our eyes meet a lot
like a whole lot
enough times in a day
that the fact I love you more each time
is quite honestly ridiculous.
But it happens
and i'm not in any way going to try to stop it.

Why is it
that trying hurts.
Hear me out...
Trying does not just mean getting up and doing
no,
it takes preparing
both physically
and mentally
it takes thinking it through
to find the best action plan there is
then it takes the motion
both mentally
and physically
and most likely if you are trying anything
it involves other people
and if you don't execute your try hard and well enough
to someone you have failed.
that is why trying hurts.
so much goes in
but negative only comes back.

What can you do
when there is nothing?
nothing to grab onto
nothing to to hold you
nothing
just nothing
What can you say
when you are tired of your voice?
your whine
What can you think
when your mind is drowning?
drowning in the darkness
drowning and nearing of the dim lights of no more hope
drowning
just drowning
What can you dream
when you can't sleep?
can't get anything done
What can you do
when you becoming nothing?
from the thoughts
restless nights
loss of hope
loss of any sign of ******* hope
Nothing
just nothing
can help escape this.

Except for the pressing beauty that life and loved ones surely give,
but seems to be less important
as your spiraling into nothing envelops you into your own self destruction
There is in fact hope
though hard to see
and even impossible to comprehend at times
it's there, and you have to believe not only in yourself
but those small moments life gives you that make it all worth it.

That make the nights
though rough
bearable for the sunshiny morning to come
The thoughts
though dark
hard to hear through the laughs shared with loved ones
The feeling of nothingness
though tragically around
can be filled with the moments of pure happiness
Which do in fact exist in this ****** up world.

It's not okay
don't ignore it
It's a truly scary feeling
and shouldn't be brushed off
but there is a light at the end of this tunnel
there is hope
it does get better
and all of those cliches
Just remember the moments
from a shared laugh
to a love fest with pets
from a hug
to a kiss
from a funny moment on t.v.
to a literal laugh out loud moment in real life

This life is crazy
****** up
messy
heart wrenching
cruel at times
but
breath taking
beautiful
amazing
magnificent
and filled with moments
worth sharing and living for

It's all about the moments

When I think of your smile
oh gah that smile
I melt
yet stay cool
You make me feel like I can fly
while standing perfectly still
When I think of your eyes
oh gah those eyes
I shatter
yet remain sturdy
You make me feel like I can be anywhere
while just wanting to stay
When I think of you
oh gah
I think love

From a chicken nugget
to the moon
we are each others
From being crazy, off the wall weird
to calm and mellow
we are each others
From afar
to aclose
we are each others
From the moon
to a chicken nugget
we are happily each others

Worthless
Waste of space
time
money
oxygen
Selfish
Self absorbed
naive
arrogant
liar
A Piece of Crap
that people get annoyed with
from stepping on
and slide your nothingness away against the
hot
rough
concrete
Worthless
is what you have made of yourself

The fan whirring by and by
sounding off any unsettling thoughts
The heat still settled
unwilling to move
The dark dew outside my window seeps in
releasing an exausting sigh
The sheets clean
and comfortable
The body tired
and worn
Yet
sleep will surely never come tonight
for there is too much in tomorrow

people feel things differently
go through things differently
learn differently
I don't understand why there's a comparison
why there's a need
to compare feelings with others
we're different
with different backgrounds
why compare
the incomparable?

waking up in a bed
too soaked in tears
too worn by the thrashing body swarmed by nightmares
too old to hold back its squeaks
too tired of the stupid nonsense that occurs on random nights
waking up in a room
that has been beaten
that has been stormed through
that has been yelled at
that has been deteriorating by the guests' own selfishness
waking up
is hard to do
when the first thing you see each ******* morning
is your own self destruction

The crisp sounds
of the trail
the pure nature
the peace of it all
yet
A headache that was too much to bare
made my nose drip blood
and taint some purified leafs
Guilt began to strangle me
I picked up the two stained leafs
the leafs illuminated the color red
against its dark brown canvas
my nose was still bleeding
The crisp sounds were shuttering about
I fall to my knees
with the leafs in hand
I look up to the branched covered sky
and think
Guilt
the feeling tightens around my neck
and my wrists
making me let go of the leafs
the pressure in my skull made the blood from my nose spew
the constriction grew stronger
and stronger
as I fall to my side
and grasp for one last breathe
i think
Guilt

taught to hide
to leave alone
to push aside
I ****** up
taught to show nothing
to put a smile on
to not allow anyone in
I ****** up
taught to
**** up
I never knew what I was doing
I wanted more
but couldn't show it
couldn't say it
couldn't do it
when you asked
I ****** up

slowly stepping barefoot on the white powdered pebbles
way up high on a roof top
there was a small garden with tomatoes to the left of me
i don’t know why i thought they looked so nice
but they did, and i stared.
still stepping on the pebbles,
feeling the sensitive nerves tingle to the some what sharp points
i kept walking
walking until i reached an edge.
the garden was behind me now
but i could still smell the freshness
i look down to the vacant street
it was so far down
a gust of wind went through my fingers and around my body
gently caressing my cheeks
i looked up to the beautiful sky, as i often do
and take a deep breathe
nothing but the scent of the garden filled my mind
i leap
i leap off of this high building getting closer to the maximizing street
something takes hold of me though
tightly
it was a rope
it was itchy for those few seconds around my neck
as i kept falling
there was a sudden stop
maybe 10 feet above the ground
my feet shook like mad
the rope didn’t break my neck, but was certainly suffocating me
constricting more and more against my throat
there was no more smell of the garden
there was chaos
worry
care
concern
fear
laughter
tears
anger
memories
dream­s
funneled in so rapidly as i fight for a single full breathe
i just so missed the smell of that garden

You can smile
even let out a chuckle
or two
You can tell stories
and listen to others
with curiosity
You can be a pretty **** convincing
functional
human being
But are you really?
Are your sleep deprived
and constant scrambled thoughts
eluding you from ever feeling whole
feeling complete?
Or do you make those small chuckles and stories
bigger and grander
than what they actually are
only fooling yourself of being whole
being complete
Either way
you are stuck at night
thinking of how it would be
to never wake up from a restful sleep
to never push a chuckle
a smile
a story
to truly be at peace
to be rid of all scrambled thoughts
and memories
to sleep a restful sleep

Too tired to think
To eat
to do anything
All the energy
Drained
From avoiding the infamous "sad" radar
Putting on a smile
sharing a forced laugh
Remaining uncovered
Too tired
To keep this up.

When I see your face
I hide away
but what can I do
when your face is sketched into my dreams?
hide?
from what exactly?
I feel the anxiety build
whenever I see your face
but still
it is only a dream
Why do I want to hide
in the dis-concerning safety of my dreams?

confusion seems to be simply an excuse for people to hide behind their true feelings
but for me
if i use the word confusion, then i am truly confused
boredom seems to be the reason why people do stupid things
but for me
if im bored ill find something productive to do, and not just waste my time
lonesome seems to be the reason why people find things to do with people they shouldn't have anything to do with
but for me
if im lonely ill go chill with friends or my dogs, and won't do things that are stupid or could hurt me
please don't confuse me for all the other people you so confidently think i fit in with
for if those are the things you think everyone does and think im doing the exact same
then you don't know me at all

The time passing by
some seconds so slow
some hours so fleeting
The memories holding on
to my brain
to my weak heart
The love we shared
never ending
never releasing
The pain of your distance
is the worst
is unbearable
The thought of you at peace
makes me jealous
makes me want to join you
The people I care for now
care enough for me to stay
care enough for me to want to stay

oh how you lie
you smile behind that windex cleaned glass
secured by an overpriced frame
placed high up
for others to blankly stare into your lie
and laugh at the story
that is so broken
oh how you lie
you image of happiness

the scorched
the torn
the shattered
the tossed
the scarred
the bleeding
the conflicting
the ******* covered ******* with ******* filling
the living
the dying
the end

the *******
the lies
the fake tears
the fake laughs
the pushed feelings
the everything
is unreal
is a waste of my time
is underestimated in power
is tearing me apart

to push down this volcanic feel
that will burn anyone in the way
that will destroy everything
is getting harder to do
while one person pushes down
at least a dozen pull
if only those idiots knew
what destruction will come
what harm they will release
if only that one person was stronger
to push down this volcanic feel
is one of the hardest things to do
as well as the most stupid
because once released
(which is inevitable)
the person who has been pushing down for all this time
will be the one hurt the most
pushing down this volcanic feel
wont last long

these beauties
exuding love
care
affection
and fun
these beauties
sharing secrets
tears
conversations
and laughs
these beauties
unknowing of my feelings
my care
my love
and over all joy
when i see their face

the silence
is equal
as a slap in the face
the blank stares
is the same
as a punch in the stomach
the emptiness
is kin
as a stab in every muscle with a rusty knife

Lightning
stricking down the worry
peircing through the pain
Thunder
booming the voices to silence
thrashing the care to the side
Freedom
is what i feel
when the sky is full of darkness
and the others are buried in the comfort of their home

the shame
the pure agonizing shame
of thought
of memories
of senseless emotions
the pain
the purely torturous pain
thrown into the dark
pale
vacancy of our puny minds
the horror
the pure yet soiled horror
that brings us together
that tears us apart
that makes us human
the end

to walk into a room
filled with family love
care
and laughter
and know you are not wanted
the laughs cease
the care is directed away
and the love
well the love never comes
to walk out of a room
filled with hate for you
turned to love and laughs
now that you are gone
that is a feeling
no one should possess.

a simple tap on the shoulder
feels like its lasting a month
a hand shake
feels like a year
a hug
feels like an eternity
when all that is on your mind
is why
why now
why not then
why with you
why not with them
why
makes everything last longer

the vast emptiness of the unknown
brings strange comfort
and frustration to me
a weird combination, i know
comfort
from knowing there's more to come
not only what is left around now
frustration
from wanting to know what lies there
and knowing that patience is needed

minds scattered
sensing every new feeling
missing the obvious
going through the day unknowing
of the simple
and over complicating
everything
minds scatter
when overwhelmed
or when distracting itself
don't stay scattered
don't make life harder
do enjoy the simplicity
that scattered minds deprive you of

it has happened
if you enjoyed the moment
don't make anything more of it
remember the stirred feelings
of excitement
of fear
of lust
if you felt at that moment
that everything is okay
then it was
and don't regret that feeling

Too many faces
Along with so many stories
Never allowing themselves to heal
Gradually they fade into the collage of mess
Letting go of hope
Ending their search for happiness
Done with the fignt

the music starts
along with your heart
pumping
beating
faster
the sweat trickles down
a smile appears
satisfaction flowing through
adrenaline following close behind
i guess its that crazy heart
along with that crazy music

your eyes will bright up the dark path ahead
showing new adventures
proving self responsibility
your sound will purr behind the smooth rhythms of music
hearing new peace
listening to independence
your touch will be fast paced across the sky
feeling new excitement
sensing a weird turning point
your everything will be new to me
amazingly new to my life
surprisingly revealing more responsibility

When the knock comes to the door
every fiber of my being shakes
shutters
dies
when your ***** boots walk through the door
every reminder of heartache fades
vanishes
dies
when you give me that kiss beside the door
every hair on my arms stick up in surprise
defense illness
when you leave in your inevitable departure out the door
every tear falls
crashes
burns

with the world spinning
faster and faster
its hard to slow down
to take a breathe
to live life
with the world spinning
slower and slower
its hard to speed up
to get excited
to live life

you have grasped my fake smiles
you sense the anger behind my eyes
you feel discomfort when my laugh is pushed
you know me too well
let me just say
let me play the part
let me pretend to be
fine
i know you see *******
and once we're done talking
allow me to smile
for the others
who don't quite see what you see
please let me say
i'm fine

if only we had met last year
or this year
how happy we would be
how amazing life would be
how uncontrollably in love
we would be

there is more than one scar that you have left
more than one hug you have given
more than enough of your time wasted
on me

yes there were others
but you only evoked a scream
or a groan
yes there were mistakes
but you were not one of them
not even close
yes there were more
but you meant the world
and much more
yes it was my fault
and there is no excuse
but know
you were the only one who made me scream
you were meaningful
you were everything
the others
were less than dirt
which is what i felt that i deserved

falling
feeling every subtle wind flow around my body
shielding my eyes from regret
lifting my heart to be hit first
laughing my last laugh as a sign of goodbye
never yelling
or screaming
not one shred of doubt
only embracing the cliche tunnel of light
flying away
as i watch the dreaded body lie
from a simple splat
lifting higher into your arms
into your brace
into your love
but first
i must feel every subtle wind flow around my body

when the young night falls
and the dreamers dream
and the lovers love
there the others lie
painfully unmasking themselves
and crying until they reach a non restful sleep

when the eyes show age
but actions speak youth

when the lips smile
but tears drop

when the hands feel warm
but secretly tremble

when the face proves bravery
but pounding unsteadily the heart skips

when the laughter is pushed
but pain is whats true

wet cheeks
drowned eyes
hopeless breathing
pale skin
trembling hands
feverish temperature
sleepy body

all of this mess
over a love
that will forever be lost

it's been so long since i last had a dream
but not long since i have thought of you
i closed my eyes
not hopeful for any sleep
but there you were
we were together
i had finally succeeded
and i got to see you for a few more seconds
we didn't say much
for we both could not stop crying
but there we were
in eachothers grasp
so happy
in this depressing world we shared
i saw you
in a dream
a dream i have been wanting for so very long
a dream i would want to last forever
but the alarm rang
and in my arms
you faded away
i woke up in tears
coming into the world of reality
i held you
in my dream
a dream that was quite amazing
and will hopefully come again
i saw you in a dream
and im sad it didn't come true

don't scream
and tell me nothing is wrong
don't sigh
and say nothing is on your mind
don't yell
and speak nothing of which makes sense
don't lie
and say its the truth
don't hesitate
and tell me everythings okay
just speak to me