taught to hide
to leave alone
to push aside
I ****** up
taught to show nothing
to put a smile on
to not allow anyone in
I ****** up
taught to
**** up
I never knew what I was doing
I wanted more
but couldn't show it
couldn't say it
couldn't do it
when you asked
I ****** up

slowly stepping barefoot on the white powdered pebbles
way up high on a roof top
there was a small garden with tomatoes to the left of me
i don’t know why i thought they looked so nice
but they did, and i stared.
still stepping on the pebbles,
feeling the sensitive nerves tingle to the some what sharp points
i kept walking
walking until i reached an edge.
the garden was behind me now
but i could still smell the freshness
i look down to the vacant street
it was so far down
a gust of wind went through my fingers and around my body
gently caressing my cheeks
i looked up to the beautiful sky, as i often do
and take a deep breathe
nothing but the scent of the garden filled my mind
i leap
i leap off of this high building getting closer to the maximizing street
something takes hold of me though
tightly
it was a rope
it was itchy for those few seconds around my neck
as i kept falling
there was a sudden stop
maybe 10 feet above the ground
my feet shook like mad
the rope didn’t break my neck, but was certainly suffocating me
constricting more and more against my throat
there was no more smell of the garden
there was chaos
worry
care
concern
fear
laughter
tears
anger
memories
dream­s
funneled in so rapidly as i fight for a single full breathe
i just so missed the smell of that garden

You can smile
even let out a chuckle
or two
You can tell stories
and listen to others
with curiosity
You can be a pretty **** convincing
functional
human being
But are you really?
Are your sleep deprived
and constant scrambled thoughts
eluding you from ever feeling whole
feeling complete?
Or do you make those small chuckles and stories
bigger and grander
than what they actually are
only fooling yourself of being whole
being complete
Either way
you are stuck at night
thinking of how it would be
to never wake up from a restful sleep
to never push a chuckle
a smile
a story
to truly be at peace
to be rid of all scrambled thoughts
and memories
to sleep a restful sleep

Too tired to think
To eat
to do anything
All the energy
Drained
From avoiding the infamous "sad" radar
Putting on a smile
sharing a forced laugh
Remaining uncovered
Too tired
To keep this up.

When I see your face
I hide away
but what can I do
when your face is sketched into my dreams?
hide?
from what exactly?
I feel the anxiety build
whenever I see your face
but still
it is only a dream
Why do I want to hide
in the dis-concerning safety of my dreams?

confusion seems to be simply an excuse for people to hide behind their true feelings
but for me
if i use the word confusion, then i am truly confused
boredom seems to be the reason why people do stupid things
but for me
if im bored ill find something productive to do, and not just waste my time
lonesome seems to be the reason why people find things to do with people they shouldn't have anything to do with
but for me
if im lonely ill go chill with friends or my dogs, and won't do things that are stupid or could hurt me
please don't confuse me for all the other people you so confidently think i fit in with
for if those are the things you think everyone does and think im doing the exact same
then you don't know me at all