Can’t block out all the noise in and outside of my mind by covering my ears.
I’m not learning to have it all just figured out for life, I’m just broadening my mind.
But if you’re dealing with somebody other than yourself you’re not learning alone.
It’s hard to stay within me when somebody is there to be a loving fellow.
And not just flowing easily beside me.
But bumb into me from time to time.
To be inside me head, not just my heart.

I want to throw up the ocean but I'm holding it in.
Keep holding it in.
One more day, I keep saying.
Everyday the same.
Same old pain.
Can't let it go.
It went too far.
Throw me back in that ocean.
Drown me in those stings.

I am never free.
Like when I dive in the ocean.
Deeper, deeper, deeper let me drown.
I've never known another place than the bottom.
The darkness, the cold.
I drop myself before I will explode into a thousand pieces.
Pieces of sand.

But my spirit will rise.
As long as I dive.
Deeper, deeper, deeper let me drown.
I'm dark and so light.
I will always cry for the people I love, for the pain that I've known.
All my life.

Every type of different kind.
And it made me drown.
And only rise when I can let it out.
I throw up an ocean if I don't drown.
Same old pain.
Can't let it go.

Went too far but it had to and now I'm down forever.
Till I'm gone forever.
Drowned forever.
Like this world has swallowed me.
And thrown me up, purged me out so far.

I was the breaking iceberg that sank.
A creature under the sand.
A black piece of land on the bottom from the day that I came here.
I tried not to come here.
And yet...
Drowning forever till I'm sand.
I'm sad like the ocean.
Sad like the moon.
Sad like the dark nights, light as a piece of sand.
Spirit is free.

Waking up but still in a coma.
Stumbling after drinking, still aware but laughing.
The music changes my mood but mostly at night.
I’m toxic inside.
Resentful towards life.

But also just rebelling.
I’m not angry usually, just not comfy.
Just so tired.
Who isn’t?
But I’ve been tired for so long now.
Even before I started waking.
Up from my coma, still in a coma.

Even before the world would notice that everybody’s tired.
And this world is just a mess.

But we are all trying our best but we have been putting all the blame on others.
When it was nobody’s fault.
What a mess.
No one’s to blame cause there’s a reason and a journey and generations and religion.
Different eras that should be outgrown.
Stop the nonsense, be your truth, that’s what I learned.

Eve C6SS6NDR6

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

I Live like there’s no tomorrow
Be who I want to be
And be happy about it

That’s what I try to tell myself

My latest name is Eve C6SS6NDR6
Eve is more relaxed than Shadow, the previous.

She can stay up late.
And listen to her playlist forever.

But there’s an energy of love so pure that she can only feel in dreams.
Sleeping peacefully.

It’s hard to get there.
But she remembers it well.

The songs of the playlist are still playing.
When she wakes up she hears them in her head.

Up like there’s no tomorrow.
Wanting to die but not now.
And be happy about it.

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

Can I call the forest from my room?
Sing the energy off my spirit?
The forest is so far away but when I close my eyes I’m there.
I can lie in a bath of roses and light some purple and black candles.
Dive my head into the water.
Freeing myself for a moment like I’m all alone in the dark.

Not the same as being alone in the forest.
Not the same as being the exact final form I’m longing for.
Feeling the way I can only get a glimpse of through that music.
My beloved songs and dear energies that I was able to receive from people that I love.
I feel like that’s where I belong, where I can feel these feelings.
Intensely purely, growing from the balance that comes from life.
My life on earth.

And now new life on earth is growing.
I’m growing as a being.
Still taking in each development.
Trying to be patient.
To understand why so much has been hurting all in one life that still has to be.
Still has to move on.
Still has to grow.
Still finds new forms.
When can I set it free and be my purest version?
I’m longing for that day.

🖤🌹🥚🌹🥚🌹🖤

Maybe the clock will be turned back on when it stops.
So I will crush it this time when it does.

Maybe the heart will live longer than the body.
So I’ll bury it with me forever.

My energy will be free.
It has to.

A life of everything.
Balanced for freedom.
Seen all possibilities, felt all the bad, gone through the motions.
I’m no longer bound.

So this time the clock will be crushed.
When it stops.

Nobody will be rushed back into a life on earth.
See what you will find this time.

A heart full of freedom and a garden of fruit.
Flowers and water, colors and moons.

Forever.
Like love in a dream with an Easter egg.
Filled with cream.
So tasty and you can eat all you want and smile.

Smile to the love of your life after life.

Looking at your younger self from a viewer’s perspective.
You’re not in the middle of it.
You see everything.
You know everything that was going on.
And it’s good you couldn’t see everything like that back then.
You still couldn’t deal with it but at least you didn’t see everything as the big picture that you see today.

Such darkness, so little of what you deserve. The pain keeps on running like cold waterfalls of mud. There’s no comfort. I don’t give you the love that you should be given. I am a dark stream. And you try to swim but we’re going down under over and over. And I can’t breathe. But I love being under if the water’s not so cold. And you make it warmer. But I can’t make the waterfalls calm down at all. I try every day and night. The ******* fish are swimming and so are the gold fish that we’re both killing. Every night I see them coming. And dying. I see their bones lying in the field. In the dark. I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know why we’re doing this. There’s no end to this fight until I’m burned up and dry. Like a red rose in the night sky forever. Your lady of the waters, the dark waters and the blue dress floating. I’m forever a red rose bending if I’m not like a lady of the dark waters in a blue dress. And a red rose in the night.

All you can do is try with what you’ve got.
Sorrow can be all you know.
A part of you, a part of your life, a life that has exhausted your all.
Freedom can still happen.
But not real happiness generally.
Just a moment where you feel good in a song or with someone.

Confusing cause: “hay, everything is supposed to **** in here”!
But darkness has beauty and light is too bright.
You found a way towards “good darkness”.
And now that you’ve actually found a good person without just darkness…
Can you handle it?
It doesn’t really fit with anything of your being.
Yet it’s so comfortable, yet it’s so real.

And you are allowed to be your own darkness and they will be them in their warmth and their flames that don’t burn.
Just warm and just peaceful.

But the darkness is there to stay there till the end.
So…how many moments of feeling good till it’s  done, till the lights go out and the flames burn up?
Till you’re able to end an everlasting night of misery, missing something, missing comfort.
In yourself cause you haven’t found it anywhere.
Until now.

Things are coming together, always.
But you have to have a lot of patience.
In this world nothing happens on its own.
Nothing happens without effort.
Especially when your mind suffers.
Compassion for yourself and others can be a key to reach your true potential.
And your goal.
But it’s hard to know exactly where it all will lead to.
One goal after another.

I clean the mirror and stick my tongue out to life!
Not giving a **** used to give me energy.
Now I’m lucky if it brings me peace.
Joy has dulled out.
I still like crazy bands and their stories…
But I think I’ve had most of my crazy funny nights.
I don’t know.
Maybe I should try it one more time.
Just to see if it’s alright.

How much longer can I want to die but still just stick around?
Cause why not, guess I still can.
Anyway but it gets old.
But it gets better in some ways.
But there’s never a straight line towards anywhere.
And I’m just so over all of these unpleasant tasks and feelings every day.
Every night I’m waking.
Constantly.
I want to dream!
Intense dreams, peaceful nights and days.
Evening cries with music playing just celebrating suffering.

Everything.
Even though we don’t know where this will end.
What will begin?
We just know that we won’t take another type of control after this war!
This place of war that we got sent into!
I’m cleaning my mirror and sticking out my tongue.
Just to say, I’m hating this game!

Changing clothes 3 times a day before it’s comfy.
Comfy if I’m lucky.
After exercising and stretching for my back and body shape.
And calming down for half an hour.

My routine.
If I don’t cry it went ok.
If I don’t do it I feel sick and stay in my bathrobe.…

I shake, I’m cold and so uncomfortable.
After I’ve gone through this I should feel better.
But if I want to put on makeup and it’s not going well I get too frustrated and tired.
But I pick my skin, I can’t stop it.
Most of the time.

So I want to cover it and look the way I want to.
I know it could be worse, my face.
But I want to express myself with how I look.
It helps a lot to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I leave it when I can because the days are never easy.

OCD, overwhelming, needing things to be in a certain way, anticipation etc.
My life has been so heavy.
I feel old, it’s ok, also a child, it’s ok, it’s all ok.
But I still want to die.
Most of the time.
It’s ok I guess…
I’m trying to be ok, to relax and be accepting of everything.

Even grateful for the things that are going well.
Of course.
And I am grateful but it usually doesn’t really bring me joy, just relief.

Just let me cry now.
I don’t like life, my head, my body, my bad feelings, the noises, the absolute discomfort.
Let me cry, cry, cry.
And then hopefully make it ok.

One more time again.
Again and again.
Before I die.

And then I’ll go and do my own way completely.
I promise.
No compromise, no listening to, not even trusting in anything.

Anything but my intuition, my feeling.
That feeling I am needing.
Needing so so bad.
So bad it makes me want to cry.
And die.

Ice around my spine.
I dug my grave on this earth.
I keep waking up from the sounds.
What would it be like, resting in peace?
Like a long sleep?
If I can dream I will come in.

Into the long resting in peace before the journey back.
Back home after the battles for peace.
With ice around my spine I lie there now.
Waiting in the grave.

My grave I dug right on this earth because I’m not ok with being not ok.
Not ok all of my life and now I’m so uncomfortable and tired.
Just lying there with ice around my spine.
Having to wait.

Icy grave, ice grave.
I cannot escape.
I’m swimming but I’m not ok.
I’m not resting.
Tired of swimming in my icy grave.
Ice grave.

You wished for things to never be like that again.
And they did change.
They’re still hard, still feel bad.
Not as bad but still bad.

And you’re tired.
And it still feels very hard and bad everyday.
The essence stayed, your body and your head.
Which are more worn out than ever.
So things changed and are finally better.
But yet you suffer.

And it’s still very extremely hard to get through the days.
The nights are still rough.
But it will never be the same.
And one day all the pain will be gone.
And you’ve grown out of it and from it.
To never ever feel like that again.

To not let it ever exist to feel like that for anyone else.
Because the knowledge was gained and now it shall be gone, over and done with!
Murdered, moved on from.
Taken care of.

Slaughtered.
Understood.
Like a broken cycle.
Life on earth is about this.
And it keeps happening.

When it’s your time, do escape.
Don’t follow.
Don’t follow that trap.
All the traps.
Don’t fall for them next time when there won’t be time.

Just essence.
The real essence, you.
Pure passion.
Pure experience.
Pure creation.
No judgement.

No wishing but creating.
Just really feeling intensely.
Everything.
That’s the real truth.
This is just a journey, this world of rules.
A journey fitted for you, not by you.
It’s a battle, a task, a duty.
Everything you do.

Be real and free, go be it already.
Where possible.

How to get through the day after another bad night, hating life…!…? 😭

Life is not worth the pain. But life is all you have in the moment. Death doesn’t come on demand even if you try. It’s not that simple. Death is a journey too and life is a journey towards death. You can only follow yourself is what I found out. Why should you follow just any “light” that appears?

As long as I need to I will try to make it right.            
But I can’t wait for that day where I can leave it all behind.
It takes so much time, so much pain everyday.
My eyes are sore, my body stiff and tired.

Resting isn’t helping.
So I’m exercising slowly.
Trying to wind down.
Till it’s all done and I can move on.
Today and the next day.

I want to change everything.
I want to be dancing in a world that’s mine only.
With lots of things.
And you can join me in your world.

Steamed up glass and snails all over my body.
I love sleeping.
Not being destructive when not being comfy.
Dreams and cuddles.
Feverish cold.
Fresh but hot.

Wrapped up in black sheets.
Rain outside.
Dry air in with candles in lanterns.
Dreams and snuggles.
Young and old.
I feel, you feel.

You are save and warm.
My only comfort.
I hold you or wait for you, the best moments.
Dreams and hot drinks.
Coffee and chocolate.
Biscuits and liquor.

Feverish dancing.
Dropping my body.
Swimming in the sky.
Swimming in the steam.
Snails in the greenhouse.
Bath and pool.
Couch and pillows.
Bed and sheets.

I love to sleep.
Able to be with anyone anywhere, being/doing anything.
I close my eyes and they open in another place.
All I feel is you.
Eating without guilt.
No pressure, only pleasure.

I lost my ability to be grateful.
I have to remind myself constantly of the things that are ok.
I swore I’d never be fine after the pain, the horrific nights.
They were too much.
Life was too much, forcing my body into movement.
Constant movements without my will, my comfort.
This body, this world, it never felt right at all.
So why would I try to save this world?
Where are we when we are in this world anyway?
Aren’t there other worlds to go to?

And yes, what IS the alternative?
Better or worse right now?
Cause right now I’m in a better place.
I don’t know what the alternative is like.
I just lost the ability to be grateful most of the time.
And I’m not comfy.
That is valid even though I also need to know that there are things that are ok.
But that might be what’s keeping me here.
For even longer than I ever thought I would last.
So I’m rebelling.
But it’s not helping.
Not helping me or anybody.

I want to live in the past.
The present and the future.
Change my hair, shed my skin.
Be all alone in the forest able to see anyone.
Any time, any place, any movement I make is chosen, actually chosen.
Not with the illusion of choice.
When your path is set out fitting.
I want to be creating new things everyday.
And live anywhere with you and alone.
Do what I want when I want to.
Be anything I want to be.
All alone in the forest or at the big lake with the waterfalls.
And see you whenever I choose to.
Sleep comfortably in a large bed in the sky, sing every lullaby.
Or a different song all the time.
Embraces always there.
To find.
I want to live.

I don’t want to cry around 6 am because of the pain that I’m in.
Keeping you awake.
Life ******* me up, ******* your life up.

I didn’t get comfy so I try to wake up.
You’re doing everything, losing sleep and try to comfort me.
It’s impossible but it helps.

I’m sorry.
It just hurts.
Life hurts.
Waking up burns, my body aches and my head breaks…
**** that!
**** life ******* up.
We are strong but I’ve been over it.

For too long.
So I don’t feel that strong anymore, I feel so sore.
You almost can fix everything so you took a challenge.

Not that you will ever try to “fix me”, you can fix the wrong things sometimes.
And I try to find a way through life again when it’s ******* me over.
There’s no “;”, it did get better but it won’t be over.

Over and over, overwhelming and hard.
Painful and rough.

You hold me in the mud flood while it’s chocking me.
And so you can’t sleep.
So I’m sorry.
Peace is hard to find and when I do I lose it too easily.

That breaks me but I still want to be here too.
In your arms every night.

Last night I dreamed I was somebody else.
Me inside another body.
A teen with another kind of life.
And I’m 30 actually.
This girl was still at school.
Had arranged to meet up with a friend that night.
Had a lot of fake black leg tattoos who would come off from a couple of washes.
I’m just curious about this seeming so normal, not remembering my actual life.
Only somewhere hidden in the back.
I knew myself.
But not everything from this life.
My actual one right now.
Is it worth it to go through all of this pain if I don’t remember?
Why am I learning, I know I’m growing but in my dreams I’m back to the base.
The developments are less present.
They do have an influence I suppose but the core is just plain me inside.
Without knowing, remembering everything.
Will I remember what I learned?
I must keep the growth, can I exist with it?
For the the collective.
Still being me.

You are my only home.
My only comfort.
My closet where I can safely keep my needs.
Where it’s not all lying around.
Like it’s still a chaos inside my head.
Like I still don’t know where to put my things.
Like I still can’t block out all of the sounds that are still blaring.
It’s not there or on the background when you’re around.
And when it hurts still to be here, with you or alone you try to make it better.
You don’t even know the difference you make I guess.
I would have given up already if you weren’t my home at last.

This world hasn’t been made for people like me to relax.
The music from the neighbors hurts my muscles and my neck.
My head and back.
I want to run.
There’s no escape.
Death is so happy but so scary.
I’m scary too think the people that are looking at me outside.
And I want to feel happy.
Running free.
Just like the storm that I was crying in last Wednesday.
I came out with dark lines around my eyes.
Slowly I crawled back up into your arms which are always ready.
Therefore I’m lucky.

Only in knowing this is temporary is where can find some peace.
I can’t live here well at all even though you are here with me.
You and I try so hard to make it right.
But it’s not.
And yet we try and sometimes it’s just fine.
Or even better.
But throughout the days and nights it’s battling without comfort.
And you try to share the comfort inside you.
And I see where I can change things.
From when I was born it’s only gotten worse.
And now I’m here.
Where you accept me while I’ve never accepted life.
I didn’t come out, I almost died as an infant.
This life was more than one, more than two in my mind.
It was never right.
And now it somehow should be while I’m still me.
And you know this all so well.
Even better than me.
You understand.
Yet you hold me.
Don’t let go, it’s a miracle.

You deserve a fighter.
For all that you give.
I know I am one.
You and I, we give what we can.
Some days I’m too weak to do much at all.
Survival is even a task that seems too much to ask.
Other days I got enough strength left to build something new, alone or together.
With you.
But you are the reason I’m still standing.
Or crawling if I have to, bursting from pain.
Pain that never goes away.
It runs through my family and me.
We can all only do our best.
You were made to be a hero.
I was made to fight a never ending war.
It only teaches lessons, makes us understand things.
Makes us see every side.
Every side there is to life and hopefully we’ll use it.
The growth and knowledge.
We know what it is like to fight, you and I.
Now you’re in my war.
A respectable soldier,
a clever brave fighter.
My reason to keep going.
There’s still a mission.
I’m crying cause I can’t escape.
We drag each other through the mud.
Just to come out alive, just to watch the war continue.
With the music playing.

I don’t want to leave the world better like Sia.
I want to leave it forever.
I don’t want my life to matter.
I learned so much but in this world it has no purpose.

It keeps on hurting me without enough breaks.
It has no right to want anything from me or anybody no more.

Great pain for a lifetime that feels like it’s never ending.
All I can do is trying to give that pain the least amount of power.
But it’s still a torturing nightmare.
And I can’t escape it.

Only people that are amazing and music makes everything better.
But I can’t live.
It brings peace to know that one day this will all just be a dream that I can wake up from. Like Eminem said.

And it’s all been decided for us like Freddie Mercury already knew.
Let’s wake up from the nightmares of this world, let’s demand better.
This world should no longer keep people in such horror. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Could you just not make it any worse from now on? I ask my tired head. My darling is already trying to have a normal morning. After a night of no relaxing. Because of me, my head. And now I’m lost in a space of trying, having to but not functioning well...
Somehow joining my darling in trying so hard to have an easy morning anyway. While nothing feels ok, nothing seems so easy, pressure is always so high. I should be alone, not dragging him with me, my darling who just takes it all. A winner through the fights. While I have lost so many or so many took too long, I’m still alive. Is that a prize? More like a price to pay. Paying for my freedom that shall come after a long hard war.

The “easy way out” will only cause more pain in the end.
Life demands you to go through it.
You don’t know where it ends.
When the hurting will go.
You just have to keep moving, marching in circles.
The “easy way out” does not exist.

The easy way out is not in suicide and if you don’t survive it was your way to die.
No questions about “what if..?”
“If” can only be used in the present or future.
You may learn along the way.
Or just stay in your “save zone”, pretend like you already know.

You take the “full me” willingly.
You teach me how to love this way.
To accept things being different than you expect because of love.
And now that is the only way for me to keep going, move forward.
And you accept me in the way I do so cause you know it is the hardest thing for me.
To just go on.
Every day again.
And so you let me be as I am.
In your life, in your space, you just take each day as it comes.
As I still can’t most of the time.
Can’t find peace in the music from the neighbours, the thoughts that keep me busy, the pressure.
But you let me work it out and hold me.
You let me talk and talk things through with me.
Taking it all fully.
Willingly loving.

Flurazepam sleep.
One at the start of the night, the next one at half past 3. Macrogool digestion, one glass before bedtime. Thyroid meds before breakfast. A blue pill for the overwhelming, the pain, the OCD stress. Anticonception, never having a kid in my life. And vitamins, and one allergies. But Flurazepam sleep or no sleep. Macrogool or no ****.  Thyroid meds or slow death. Blue pill or fast suicide hopefully. And no kid should have to live through this. A mom who can’t take care. And allergies are f*cking annoying! 😁

I just want a save place to cry and recover.
You can come by.
But I need space and escaping.
Too much is happening.
You and I are doing everything we can.
But it feels like not living most of the time for me.
Surviving torture, just having to still deal with everything.
Life, sensitivity, overwhelming, ocd...
Trying to make things ok, tired and broken.
I want to not feel trapped in life keeping me down.
I want to cycle under bridges screaming, I want to sing and create something.
How can I somehow feel this through all of this happening?
Moving again, changes, draining things, waiting.
You are the reason I’m still willing to give in.
Give in to life because of giving in to love.

Every big sound is like an attack.
Every moment waking is grieving.
Grieving that little peace I had found.
I don’t know what’s going on.
And how you are feeling, my love.
I’m scared so I run to the dark.
Trying to feel save.

Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

Too busy outside.
Too busy inside.
It’s not much fun to live in this world.
It used to be at least interesting, every morning something new.
Now I just hope for peace.
Being able to do the things that I had planned. But more things start coming in.
The night was not long enough.

Getting up, trying to manage through the day.
Planning for the end.
Trying to exist.
Nothing matters, I don’t care, just some things matter like the people and stuff I leave behind.
When I’m gone and when I’m ready.
When I love and when I’m free, forever I demand.
This is not my place to be so it’s a prison.

Many lessons.
Developments.
Is it for the collective or just me?
I’m a part of everything so it’s never disconnected, but it’s my journey.
Fitted for me.
And I have to get through it.
Accept it, sometimes not accept it, sometimes love something.
But hating most.

Too busy outside, noise.
Too busy inside, stuff to do.
Places to be or not to be.
They used to be opportunities mostly, what can I do, where can I go?

I still try but my path has become so narrow.
It’s even hard to walk at all, every step takes time and courage.
And I don’t like it.
I’m so over it.
The path is long and narrow, it’s my fate.

It’s hard to trust in fate when you’re stuck between the start and the progress.
Stuck in a mess, a broken life.

It will fall into place eventually but first you have to fall with it.
Hopelessly, not knowing where you’ll land.
Life is not just outcomes.
It’s filled with inbetween states that are so painful and exhausting.

Trying to trust in fate inbetween.
Are you ever even ending up anywhere that feels ok?
Always in the inbetween, falling slowly into the world where you’ll need to be.
Next for a while before it will all start to change and eventually all fall again.

Hard to keep building when everythings keeps falling.
Even when you’re trying everything, the foundation was unstable from the beginning.

And it will be like that, as long as you’re stuck in this lifetime.
There’s always something not right
You will be destroyed slowly, painfully.
Fighting in the inbetween or upside down spaces.

And when you don’t have to do it alone anymore it might be even harder with someone else.

I don’t know why you don’t run.
I don’t know why I won’t give up.
We just keep trying.

When we wake up from screaming cats, you jump up and make it stop.
When I’m awake trying to control my thoughts you kiss me.
And eventually you leave into another room so I can rest at your side of the bed.

Hopefully I’ll be able to return these gifts one day.
I would never have thought that somebody would ever be able to deal with my darkness again.
I gave up, would have given up and would still give up.
If you didn’t come along here.
To be my perfect fit in all of this.

Which is still torture but so much better with you here.
It’s also harder: I need to fight again.
Together with you.

Sometimes I realise what’s going on.
And I see myself looking all crazy.
I know why and never cared.
Is crazy wrong?
Is wrong wrong?

Sometimes I realise what’s happening.
But I’m wondering why I’m still here too.
Sometimes I know, sometimes I really don’t.
And it’s hurting.
And it’s not stopping.

Sometimes I wonder why I had to live so many lives to realise what’s going on.
So many lives in one.
Still loving.
Finally found my perfect match as I was giving up on life again.

Wishing for so many things.
Yet not really caring if they happened or not anymore.
But the whishes have come true.
And still I’m suffering, not caring if I died tomorrow or next year.
But now you’re here and so I’m fighting for something.

Again, like I wished....✨⭐️💫🌟
Red Jaspis.
Blood dragon stone.
Ora lilith.
Swords and bows.
Vikings, mages, gunman, elves.
Living together.

It’s hard to trust in fate when you’re stuck between the start and the progress.
Stuck in a mess, a broken life.

It will fall into place eventually but first you have to fall with it.
Hopelessly, not knowing where you’ll land.
Life is not just outcomes.
It’s filled with inbetween states that are so painful and exhausting.

Trying to trust in fate inbetween.
Are you ever even ending up anywhere that feels ok?
Always in the inbetween, falling slowly into the world where you’ll need to be.
Next for a while before it will all start to change and eventually all fall again.

Hard to keep building when everythings keeps falling.
Even when you’re trying everything, the foundation was unstable from the beginning.

And it will be like that, as long as you’re stuck in this lifetime.
There’s always something not right
You will be destroyed slowly, painfully.
Fighting in the inbetween or upside down spaces.

And when you don’t have to do it alone anymore it might be even harder with someone else.

I keep on hurting you and I’d rather want to die.
But dying is not an option.
Should I leave?
It will break me again.
But staying might break both of us too.
But leaving means dying for me.

When everything turned I was still carrying the hurt.
And it’s not gone but my tolerance and energy really are, almost completely.

It’s so hard to grasp for me that there’s a way to continue.
Do I even want to go on?

No choice as usual it seems.
But it turned for the better.
That doesn’t mean the pain is gone.
And peace is never close unless I’m close to you.

In the moment.
But many moments are too hard to live in for me. Still.
And there’s no settling, no calmth.
Only a reason to go on again.

We're all working towards something that's happening later.
Yet it already happened in a timeless realm.
Animals, people, plants... always planning for the future in some way.
Preparing something, for something.
But not constantly and not in every way, just during the night and day.
While creating, escaping, loving we're free, in the moment.
But still we're made to prepare, anticipate, work on ''the future''.
The future that already happened.
It's divine design.
Designed for each individual creature.
Created between stars and planets through time.
And when time's up, it's over around here.

By Martin Ehlert & Sharon Miedema

Zelfs de dood heeft een moeder.   Even death has a mother.
Iemand die zorgd voor de dood.   Somebody who is taking care of
                                                             death.
Of haar kind sterft te vroeg.           Or has death take her child away
                                                             from her.
Je einddatum staat al gegraveerd. Your death date's already been
                                                             engraved.
Je kan het zelf nog niet zien staan. Though you can't see it.
Pas wanneer je klaar bent.               Only when it is your time.
Niet eerder en niet later.                  Not any sooner, any later.

Waking up from a banging sound with an aching head after going back to bed.
Too anxious for more sleep.

So getting up for tea.
And a shower.

Hopefully today will still be ok.
But it’s never easy.
Trying and being in the moment is key.
Hoping for a better time.

Loving the moments and people that make it worthwhile.
At least for a while.

I want to die
But I don’t know what that is.
No, I don’t just want things to be alright.
I’m tired of this world and life.
I want to write one more poem.
To let the story have an end.

And then leave by myself.
Which seems impossible for me, to just let everything go.
It took me everything to do everything in this life already.
Have it be ok enough to survive.
But it never really worked and it never felt alright.
So please let the story end.

Tell me where I will be free and where I’ll find my place.
A world of freedom with my old friends and feelings.
Still there but feeling good and better.
Not sick but in my power.
In love and able to rest in peace.
And fly away.

I can’t find my world in here.
Let me go soon now.
Write the end chapture here.
Let me die, let me go.
Let me find my courage to let go of everything, it’s not even working.
Ever.
Yet it’s all I really know.

I tried before to go.
Wasn’t my time.
Same right now, still things to wait for.
For people, for me.
Born suicidal, I hate this world, the life, the constant merciless days and nights.

I wanted euthanasia but in the end it was denied, trying again, reapplied.
Intensely long waiting time.

Although I know there’s more to this torturing life.
And every chapture had its own little subjects that perfectly align.
But now I need to die!
I want to, I have to.
Let me say goodbye, tell you “This is the end”.
For once and for all.
In this life for me finally.
Goodbye, goodbye.

The end.

A coldness.
Coming from different directions.
This wasn't what the forecast had promised.
Yet it was so clear to see it would come.

Because the sun can't shine everywhere at the same time.
I was always the storm but it's been raining too hard for so long.

You lost your reasons to find me again.
There's another better place for you to be.
At the horizon I watch you go down.
And I feel a coldness.

You're not coming back to shine bright in the morning.
Not on me.
Not with me.
No more rainbows.

Just coldness from many directions.
It's happened before.
Same directions.
Same different directions.

It's because I'm too heavy and now there's a better place to go.
And it keeps on happening, who can blame you for chosing the warmth?

And I kept on believing the lying promise of a brighter forecast over and over.
The sun had good intensions.
But the cold had to come.
It always had to come again and again.

Maybe I should have run away again to leave you dry.
That's when you wait for the storm.
It's always been the same.

But now the flood is high.
It will stay in the coldness.

Deep and dark.
Bye bye sun!
See ya again when the land gets too dry.
Oh well, I might as well run in this weather now.

Soaked already.
No point in waiting.
For you sun to come.
I know you won't and when you do you will leave.

It's just natural, I'm used to it now.
Doesn't make the cold not sting.
But I will keep running.
Some day you're running dry...

Suffering from life, the pressure.
Crying day. 💧
Spiders crawling.
During the day, in my dreams.
On the floor.
Like me.

I cannot run, hide or fight.
I have to sit right in the centre.
And suffer.

Looking at a painful sight.
In the corner of my eye.
As I try to focus on survival mode.

Because I can’t run.
Nowhere to hide.
Forbidden to fight.
Cause I will lose my only place to live.

Although it’s not living.
It’s suffering.
Like it’s always been.
In many ways.

The last one was kind of a present because it was the better of them all.
The place before this one that I had to leave behind.
I cried.
Closed that chapture, know why.
I had to go.

But sometimes I hear the half dead forest call.
The one that was behind my place to live and survive.
The place before where I live now.

Here there’s no half dead forest.
Just parked cars, shops and houses in every street, in front of my window.

Nowhere to run, no place to hide, no permission to fight.
The people here know quite well I’m not from here and don’t belong.
I cannot sing.
Not on my walks.
I’ve never been one for small talks when I meet the neighbours...

I already mentioned too much now, better never again talk to them.
Complained too much already, it’s inside me to address things when they’re happening.

Not sit with it just suffering in silence just waiting.
Agonizing.
But many people do not know that I cannot run, hide or fight.

And it’s eating at me all the time.
I want out but I know not where I’ll go.
Only that this world has no save space.

Ancient robots are cute little dancers.
The moon is a circle in a dream of a fantastic star.
But you are the one with the voice that is clear.
Always when I hear.
I see the world differently when you’re next to me.
I have to give away a piece of me as a piece of energy.

But who answers when nothing matters?
I mean: nothing can be forced so when I’m stuck, who takes me out?
Take me out on an adventure, don’t warn me, you never do anyway.
This time in a good way.
Please, pleading has no use.
Something’s always got to give, some breaking of the mind, some breaking of everything.
Some abuse.

Some rebuilding, reshaping, I got no say in when, how and where, better not care.
Take care.
And please tell me: will we be making sandwiches again?
Again in the world beyond this one?
Another Matrix or the source?
Enjoying the simple things of life on earth, no more, no more, not anymore?

The power of creation.
New things.
New worlds.
Black circles, everything.
It’s coming, always coming in and out, and in and never out, let me in, never out, never in.
Come in.
Come out alive.
We all want to come out alive, right?
I didn’t.
But I did.
I was born but never came out myself, almost died.

I wanted to dance but they put me in a room with no space.
So I gained weight.
And when I wanted to sing all these people in this town started staring.
So I started skating, tying the laces of skates till my fingers started bleeding.
Even with plastic tape around them it’s not always working and my muscles are hurting from bending and tying.
Tying laces for 20 minutes before finally skating freely.

And after years I finally found a good mattress but now it’s laying there in the way of everything.
It doesn’t fit on the bed, in my room, no space for exercising.
A shop at every street, no space for walking.
No space in my head when OCD-ing, trying to find a way through this everyday.

All that most people can see is me complaining.....

Finding your way every single day.
A game to play and a love to stay.

Strategy, tragedy.
A darkness all over me.

A love too strong to deal with.
Playing games to deal with life.

Honesty, personality.
**** me, love me, believe me, believe my story, I’m sorry.

A game we both play.
Untill the harness and garments fall away.

Let me in deep inside.
Or just be all over me.