Even as the seconds passed on and time lost meaning…

Will you even remember me?
Will the sound of my name haunt you?
Those words I uttered in my final moments, as I bled out in your arms—I love you—do they mean anything now?
What did it mean, seeing the look on my face, as I begged you to tell me the truth?

Do you... regret what you’ve done?

August finally rolls around
A finality that echoes my heart-felt sentiments
I hope it meant something
Those tiny, little words
Those soft, aching lines
Those rainy, quiet days
When I told you I'm sorry
Repetitive are these words
The things I pen down, useless
Unfamiliarity strikes me center
Just like the days gone by
The memories lost to time
The people fading away into silhouettes
I've forgotten every moment of meaning
Every smile, every regret
It bleeds into one, singular line
Across my thoughts, buried in my wrist
Tangled in my chest, twisted deep in my heart
My mind still clicks, filled with a capability to contemplate
But it can't undo the pain, it overwhelms me completely
Then, a thought occurs to me
Omnipresent in every dream, a lingering sensation on my lips
How could I ever have called this place home?
The miserable suffering I endure
The wounds inflicted in my toiling
On this weary soul, wasn't it enough?
Every waking second, I see it
Shadows, lurking in the back of my mind
The corner, tucked away, deep inside
Hidden from any stray, prying eyes
I may have needed you, wanted you,
Embraced your form in my outstretched arms
But now I think of this not
Praying I get by the passing day, without a hitch
In my throat, with my breaths, catching
Hand to hand, tagging, with the love I so desperately crave
The touch that could make me whole
And fulfil the longing in my heart, rid the aching in my chest
This can never be achieved,
It's a concept I cannot grasp
An understanding I can never hope to attain
Once, I wished for my happiness
Oh, what a hollow dream
Pondering the thoughts I cannot own
The light I cannot steal, the darkness that surrounds me
Unrelenting in its pursuit, refusing to let go
So I sink, I drown, I accept it fully
Despite everything, I couldn't change a thing
I come to a final realisation, the world splits apart
This fragile affection of mine shatters
In another lifetime, I loved you, but not anymore
No one can mend what's broken
No one can stop this unraveling
Of the mind, the heart, the very essence of my soul
I have swallowed bitterness, choked on my very unhappiness
I have already planned my defeat, and delved into the hopelessness
I apologise for my mistakes, for ever daring to be something more
Yet there's no turning back now, no undoing my choice
I cannot outrun my terrible past, nor can I bury my endless guilt
I have to accept what's done is done
It's what you would have wanted
God, I feel so ******* lonely
Alienated in a society, that refuses to embrace me
Desperation shakes me to my very core
Piercing straight through my veins
In my head, this voice rings incessantly
Pleading, begging, praying for a future
That I would somehow find a scarce joy
But this fruitless wish is short-lived
Ever since I have come into this world, allowed the light to seep onto my skin
Ever since I have taken my first breath, when I have first opened my eyes
I have already failed in this task
And lately, I've been thinking
I want to end it all.
I don't know how to live anymore, especially when I've already given up on everything
I can't believe I'll be able to endure the emptiness I feel
I don't think I can live any longer than this
I'm so tired of it all, I wish I could die
I desire to pass away early, far beyond my time
In this plight, I perceive no end, no way out of this misery
What hope is there left? Nothing ever remains
I know there's no peace in ending it all, only suffering for those left behind
And you're still so young, barely grown
But all these reasons, they don't matter, they don't mean a thing
For once, I want to be selfish, and make a choice that's wholly my own
This one and only ending is my first
Things are impermanent, and that's the way it's been, how the universe was created
But I disagree, for the world always changes, far too quickly for my liking
Nothing in the universe is set in stone
Yet death washes away all those stains
No more worries, no more grievances
A permanent stop to the thinking
Peaceful silence in the meadows, a sun that never stops shining
Your eyes that will forever remain open
Unblinking, staring, right back at me
Gazing deeply into my soul, judging
And when my brain meets the concrete
Just ceasing to exist, killing the uneven breathing
The tick-tock chime, the consistent beating of a heart that should end
Blood pools underneath my shaking resolve
Trembling in fear, knowing what I've wanted to do
Seeing the endless abyss, engulfing me whole
In its sickeningly sweet envelope of distance
I think it's better if I ended things
It'd be the best for everyone involved
A conclusion to a story no one bothered to notice
An attention never intended to be granted
I plan to slip away quietly, and vanish into the night
So that no one would remember me, or how I died
Goodbye, my friends, and goodnight to all
I promise that I'll miss all of you deeply
I'll look back on whatever memories I have left, and remember each and every one of you fondly
Just know that this way, I can finally rest
Maybe I'll find some solace, drifting in the afterlife
I know I'll be happier when I'm gone
And thinking about it now, it starts to make sense
From the start, I should have known,
From the day I was born, when I was brought into this world
I was never fated for greatness, only misery
How foolish can I be, I ask, what do I even have to live for?
I should have never dreamed of being happy
After all, it was never meant to be
This bittersweet truth, it's all I know
And in the end, no matter how hard I tried
I'm sorry... I still couldn't let go
This heart of mine was always destined to be filled with sorrow

To my beloved companion, and my dearest friend — I love you.

Straight As, fully decked out in inventory
Peel back the layers, you see the forgotten history
More lines than words, more scars than looks
I'm writing something noteworthy
A pen and a knife, etched into my skin
The numbers mean something, the odds I must win
But this race is meaningless, no goal to achieve
At the end of the road lies emptiness, leaving no will to live.

Life doesn't get better
Stop spitting that bittersweet lie
I love you so much
It's all just falsified words, right from the snake's lips
They pile on one another, a damning mess
I can't crawl out of the abyss
So I'll sink, thinking about you
Maybe you can lie, and say you loved me too.

And if I disappeared off the face of the planet
Erased every instance of my existence on this earth
Would it even matter?
When I'm here, when I'm there with you
It doesn't mean a thing
So if I were to go, to wipe myself away
When I'm gone, would you care?
When I'm lost forever, do you even think of me?

Quiet, desperate echoes of a plea
Won't you fall asleep with me?
Lonely, loveless entity, with no one's eyes
Forgotten and lost, buried deep inside
Even when I'm half-rotted, bleeding on the floor
Maybe the ground's when I belong
My face meets the pavement, the red splatters all over
Sometimes I can't help but think
Why didn't I do this before?

Shut up until you're dead in the night
You said you don't wanna hear it
Mouth zipped, heart ripped apart
My sorrow is endless, I'm crying out regrets
Like the church bells ringing through the halls
I'm buried ten feet under, I ended it all
Stinging melancholy from your veins
It's too late to fix anything

How can I ever dream to save you
When I can't even get rid of this unhappiness inside of me...?
These haunting regrets, this miserable pain
I'm sorry for hurting you,
But I wish you'd say that too.

Maybe it's an eye for an eye
Payback for everything I've done
"Only I understand how you feel."
Those bitter words that you whispered in my ear
But you're the one who made me this way

And still, I love you all the same
Even when you hurt me,
No matter how many times you do so
Over and over again
I feel guilty, like I owe you something
Like I deserve this.

So even though you're sinking,
Drowning in your endless sins
I'll stay forever, by your side
In this lifetime, in every single one
I'll always be with you.

And for all of eternity
Until the end of time, I promise
I'll live for you, I'll die for you
I would do anything for you, my dearest
Now this, I say—
is true love.

squeezing an answer from this rotten mind of mine
peeling back the layers, the lies beneath my flesh
the bitterness between my eyes, reveals its true form
sourness wrapped in sweet epiphany
a hollow, trifling cacophony, kisses in the sweltering summer
buried these complicated memories under the fruit tree
a sympathy of half-truths, this white flaking skin blossoms
take a bite, see the way i melt under your gaze
but there's much more that meets the eye
these tears that run down your chin, revel in a thirst-quenching relief
and even if you insist it so, and have all the branches lined up in your favour  
in the place where you first met me
i'll submit to this confession, and take refuge in my admission of guilt
my dearest, the blood i bleed is crimson
not like what the world used to believe—
it must be orange.

life will get better, the lies you must tell
maybe it will, i know it won't
i understand how you feel
don't lie, and make things smaller than they seem to be
people will miss you
because of what they've forgotten to do
cherish this time we have left
you never know which day will be your last
but this sin i've committed
it feels liberating, it's the first act i've completed with my own free will
red dots, red lines pop up
idly passing by, ignored for the lights
the way the sun rises, the way the body passes
seeing the world for what it is
i love you, these words uttered too late
i am already free, exhausted from the fighting
yours truly, my sincerity
how have you been?
good, i lie—
but i wish life could have been better.

thank you for the memories you have gifted me
thank you for the times i cherish deeply
i missed you so much
between every line, every wall of text
every waiting blue sky, every waning blue interest
eventually you fade away, like all good things
maybe i’m wrong for clinging onto you
trying to hold you tight, hoping you wouldn't let go
but even my best efforts were futile
you slipped away, so quietly i couldn't do a thing
every laugh, every smile, back when times were simpler
i miss everything so dearly, so **** much
but i can’t take it back
no matter how much i try
the only end i see is a goodbye
to my memories, my forgotten past
the only thing left is a farewell isn’t it
this wasn't my intention, not at all
maybe its better this way
to disappear without a word
so you don't feel an ounce of guilt
you can sleep on peacefully
just like i have when i flew with
my clipped, broken wings
why did i try to fly?

in my death, you seek closure
and now, you will blame everyone but yourself
i know you will
i give up, im done
see me no more
perceive me no longer
then i can rest easy
closing my eyes one final time

the sun rises from the horizon
just these thoughts
this tightness in my chest
every single second
it ticks by slowly
passing away
the spark in your eyes
it fades quickly
like everything else
and how you died in my memory

people should die as they have lived
as a coward, a weakling
and the ice that melts after a breath's touch
the way i have to beg for your love
like how a dog begs for an ounce of attention from its owner
loving you was an experience i rather not forget
lonely is the heart, searching for a place to belong
it finds itself in a home, in the arms of someone that knows they do not belong
it embraces you gradually, crushing your dream slowly
suffocatingly knocking every breath out of your lungs
until it's too late, and you realised you're choking
but you don't know how else to breathe
so i accepted you lovingly, despite you killing me slowly
and now i can't live without you
no one understands you, at least thats what i thought until i met you
you don't understand me, you know me too well
you want me to become like you
no longer myself

when i die, do not desecrate my body
by laying to rest with those fools
i rather live an eternity in solitude
then to see your ruined face again
to confront this wretched reality
that you, and i, we were never loved
not once, never.

Going through the cycles
Passing through the days
Seeing people move on already
They rise quickly, fade away slowly
One day, things will be okay
Even when I start to lose the droplets of hope
And life starts to seem meaningless
That phrase gives me hope
But I'm beginning to forget
Everything special to me
As I selfishly cling onto you
Praying for your words of permission
To make me feel better
I realise after all this time, I've deceived myself
You aren't real, and so is this future
I don't know anymore
Lies or reassurance, my fateful hand
Sorry for hurting you
Maybe I am

A single white swan, basks in the light
Graceful and elegant, it glides
Through the water, observe its reflection
One’s true identity comes to light
It now bares its feathers, in an effort to scare off others
But the dove sinks further into the water, longing for their warmth
Drowning, sinking, while the swan watches keenly
Encompassing, delving into madness
Both birds, now descending in self-destruction
Now this, I say—is true love.

Close your eyes, rest easy
But I've grown weary, waiting for your texts back
Exhausted from the energy I've spent
The hours that can never be undo
The tears my eyes have wasted
Thinking about you
Questioning everything has got me dizzy
Spiralling into another baseless affair
So won't you tell me the truth
Harrowing it might be
If it's spoken from the heart
I might be able to live with it
Love, devotion, endless delusion
Peel back the layers, the petals on my skin
Melancholy, a note in the cacophony
Warmth drips down my arms
Encompassing, encasing my thoughts whole
Clinging to every bit of affection
Like it's the only thing keeping you afloat
With the storm raging in your mind
Please don't ever forget me, it begs
I can't bear to be alone
And suddenly, I'm back again
Five years too young, a few seconds too late
The air reeks of something surgical,
Sterile and scrubbed of everything
Dedicated to your memory
Walls painted with crimson, pooling in clean streaks
A lump in my throat tightens, I struggle to breathe
There's something bitter in my lungs
In this chest of mine, the knife twists
Into my flesh, it remain heavy, always damning
I swallow. Hard.
Against mine, your skin feels cold
Hand in hand, I pause for your heartbeat
Yet it never comes—
Just like you.

Extreme ends of the earth
Connect, collide, to form the stars
Reaching out, grasping for a relation
To mend the seams of this broken devastation
Static in my ears, as I watch them dance
Melancholy in my eyes, as I yearn to be free
I stare into the mirror, my reflection in the water
Is that unfamiliar face, truly me?

The hardest thing to do
Is to say goodbye
To close your eyes
To peacefully lie
The world goes dark
I'm afraid of the cold
The emptiness within
The fact I'll never grow old
Or see the flowers blossom
The sun rise once more
Not another breath
Pain, suffering, grief
It becomes meaningless
In the great scheme of things
A life once worthy
A memory once happy
A person once, ending it all
And everything is—
Finally gone
Like how things should be.

Goodbye one, farewell all
You must take responsibility
One day you will
But not today
You live in denial
I live in grief
We both sink, drowning in regret
A pit too deep to swim out of
Tar, black, vice-like grip
It envelopes my heart
Bleeding, squeezing its essence dry
Leaving nothing left but guilt
A prayer, a penny, the left and right
Clutching its cold coin in my hand
Realisation strikes me, once more
I've lost every one of my friends
So reasoning aside, how can one live?
All alone, over and over again
Ceasing to exist, perhaps becomes a mercy
To the lonely few, who must toil the earth relentlessly
What a burden, you must be.

please take responsibility
im begging you
please say you're sorry
and then maybe
we could fix things, start anew
until you take that first step
nothing could be done
when i take that first step
everything would be over
a fall from grace
someone's forgotten face
friendship, memories, drift by quickly
fleeting away, fading into the distance
i want to cry
my tears fill up the riverbank
i sit by the shore
all alone, surrounded by stillness
forgive me, for what i'm doing
and what i'm about to do
after all, there's no going back
no mending of the seams, no repairing the broken bonds
the blurry spots between your eyes
the blackened corners in your vision
tightness grips your chest
an aching takes hold, your heart none the wiser
what are you waiting for?
holding out for a phone call, some kind of text
you know it'll never come, so why bother?
i don't know.
tell me, dear god
whose forgiveness shall i ask for?
maybe myself, nothing more
wordlessly i go, into the night
splat! my face hits the concrete
as they gather around, see the corpse on display
thinking, singing—it's just another day!
truly, unduly, fulfilling their duty
glorious parades, festivals beyond the mind's eye
a quota to fill for bodies discovered
goodnight to one, goodnight for all
farewell!

if someone asks me
what good have you done with your life
the only thing i can answer is
nothing
the end is the best part
bliss within respite
finality for those who seek
paradise

pink and pretty lungs
dont you get me
ruining you mind
dont you see me
how much will it take
until its finally enough
how much must you break
until it's over?

put an end to this empty feeling
as i spend my life searching for meaning
please just let me die, dear god
and grant me the courage to do so

how you ruined me
my reflection in the mirror
my temptations to steer clear
fading gradually, sinking slowly
burn and bleed from these bruises
talking about the little things
what matters who cares why bother
collapsing false reality
won't you descend down from the heavens
and come save me?
suffocating embrace, these fleeting moments
i grasp at the threads
subtle expectations, drift by idly
in my eyes, the world glossed over
seconds tick by, aeons blink pass
i find myself, waiting alone
always still, nothing lasts
black coffee, and my glass is full
of unspoken tears, final regrets
life is deprived of its meaning
memories are gone, distant and unseeming
the way you died at that creek
this numb and empty bitterness
surrounded by cold, harsh plateaus
my hometown
the motherland
i miss you
raising the flag high in the air
white in surrender
death hung heavy
this rope curled around my neck
tightens, it scurries
this blade pressed against my skin
ripens, it blurries
the edge of the ceiling
the dangling fan, in the corner of my passage
heightens, i must hurry
shadows hidden from sight
darkness, no longer my light
making things right
something, someone
was what i meant to be
born out of a blossom
wilting, dying in a costume
rebirth in a coffin
rest easy, rest dearly
my eyes close for the final time, thinking
this wasn't meant for anybody
my mind buries in, my voice cracks
theres nothing left to say.
nothing you can do
i cant fix this
im beyond help
im beyond repair
consume me as you see fit
decipher my words as you find suitable
cry for help
desperation, useless words
give up, something i must do
does this even make sense
i dont think it does
i just wanted to be loved
i just wanted you to love me
i just wanted to be happy
yet i achieved nothing
im pretending to be something greater
im pretending to be something better
but im nothing, this is all a facade
my words dont make sense
logic remains missing, no longer a constant
and its all my fault
somehow, everything is
im doomed
impose your thoughts, your preconceived notions
i am an object, an idea
never a person, never your one
discard any hopes of understanding
blame no one but yourself
for what happened
for what ive done, what im planning to do
its already over
never enough time
i always wish for more
there is no saving a sinking ship
just jump abroad, swim far, far away
the wreckage cannot be salvaged
the mistakes cannot be mended
leave me to drown now
please?
im sorry for making you see this
this awful, terrible side of me
but to those who have, to those who once cared
thank you for reading
goodbye.

im suffocating
what were you expecting?
its all your fault
negligence
the cruelest thing you've done
is breathe life into my figure
at least if i die, not by my own will
the death will be justifiable, honourable almost
not a lone soul waiting, for their own self-destruction
i know you don't feel the same way
you'll never say i do
thank you for giving me the opportunity
to finally say i love you
and i miss you too

why bother giving birth to a child if you despise them so
**** me already, let me ******* go
dont suffocate me in this oppressive embrace
just let me die, at least give me this final grace

Trapped in a cage, a prison of my own making
To set myself free, I must cut off your wings
But in the end, I lost everything
I'm sorry, for dying.

trapped in a cage, a prison of my own making
i ripped your wings, to set myself free
you have molded, into a person of my own design
you change yourself, to attend my every need
on the inside, all i feel empty,
harrowing guilt eats me alive
knowing i have killed you, that much indeed
i'm sorry for ever living, for taking all that is dear to me
in the end, i lost my only friend.

Pain and resentment
Back and forth I rock
Shake and stake
My hopes on a door lock
Keys and birthday cake
All I do is take
Just wondering if you meant it then?

What am I doing here?
A fish above saltwater
Blurry faces, erased places
I can't breathe
It's your fault.

Nothing is as it seems
They carry him about slowly
Unease slipping off their shoulders
Gently, words fade in the dark
Leaving behind a mold of the man
An aftermath of an awful affair
Death denotes this simple occurrence
As nothing more than a bad dream

i slice open the flesh that was offered before me
a dedication to a cause most meaningful
i give myself over, now and fully
the little drops, slippery and small
drip down below, embracing the fall.

i still don't know what i'm trying to be
can't tell when things went south, yeah
my life is collapsing all around me
these words spew out of your ******* mouth
you call this true love, another lie
weren't you the one saying you'd leave?
now i'm only one left, asking why
people must suffer before they finally die.

Even if you have passed, I cannot let go of your embrace
So I shall continue to lovingly call for your name  
And I will sing this melody, to remember you by.

I just need a witness
Why play this wretched game
It's driving me insane
I'm not crazy, my memory is just hazy
Tell me these thoughts are mine
These monsters lurking are not in my mind
This suffering is real, to me it is
The truth, misconstrued
An enemy, are you?

your trust is truthfully misplaced
my acts, are falsely praised
i feel my brain being stretched
from the inside out
my rotting flesh
has an unbearable stench
the squelch of my remains
my blood, a liquid courage
or an act of self-sacrificing cowardice?

nothing is worth the risk
no price is worth paying
if it means you end up dying
but i didn't heed no warnings
i still went ahead, and ruined things
despite everything, i couldn't change a thing.

i know, for you, my words became nothing
and yet, i find myself wishing for more
our friendship, this relationship
i hope it meant something to you.

life is no longer fun
tired of waiting for someone
i want to run away
from what plagues me so

i sleep and laze all day
then wake up whenever
the cycle repeats
escape waiting to die

is this what it means
to be free
of life itself
and responsibility?

off i must go
into the night
drifting all alone
embrace the fondness
of long awaited slumber

these empty feelings
make me hollow inside
it becomes a struggle
to stay alive

i feel enervated
mixed with exasperated
always exhausted
seeking for a means to an end.

in hindsight, i should have known.
to me, living has become a burden
from joy, it turns into misery
now, i breathe because i must
from ignorance, it forms into necessity

i've given up on all my hopes and dreams
losing my will to live, open my eyes and stir
waking up is such a chore, i'm so sick and tired of it all
my fragile mind is bursting at the seams
i think i miss who you once were

nowadays, all i do is pathetically weep
telling myself life will get better, that familiar lie
i spend my time sinking, into a painless sleep
praying that someday, i'll finally have the courage to die.

the bird's wings of freedom
were snapped off and discarded
losing every sense of its ambition
look at that crying creature
unable to fly, return to the sky
lost from friends and foe
abandoned by the system it was born in
they will live, they will lie
even if we reject it so
and refuse to listen
nature will always die.

disposure of the corpse
exposure to the corruption
losing my composure
how can you be absolutely sure
that it was enough?

the lies, the false narrative
you tricked those people.
you tricked me, with your deceit
yet you smile knowingly, confidently
taking your chance to escape

you flee the scene
a criminal to everyone that sees
hiding in the dark, hidden from sight
you sit there alone, almost painstakingly
one must lament.

take the apple that sink your teeth into its flesh
biting, chewing, ruining the appearance
it's ugly now, no one wants you
discard and throw it away
that useless piece of junk, a wasted garbage
bleeding, dripping, it's a mess
my mind aching, sinking, everything is falling apart
devour me whole, you love me
corrupt me entirely, you hate me
i'll give my form willingly,
to the first person who stalked on the high
for this worthless name of mine
i beg you to consume me
take your prize, take your dignity
go far, far away, until i forget your name
fail to recall your face, erase you from my memories
please, leave.

you're better off without me.
why won't you leave me?
why did you leave me?
simple questions you can't answer
reveal the lies between your teeth
the truth peering through these gaps
glaringly obvious to my familiar gaze
don't you tire, from this endless game of lying?

i can't help but think
i wish i had died a long time ago
maybe it's a form of suicidal ideation
at this point, who really knows?
some people say it isn't healthy
but i always knew it wasn't
better yet, who really cares? about me.

as i stand on the roof, high above
peering at the eerie drop below
death stares me right in the eye
it seems that people have eventually understood
how twisted and rotten i am
especially, terribly on the inside
it feels fitting, almost right
to finally be able to take my own life.

surrounded by my thoughts, i'm all alone
purged in endless contemplation, with fallen aspirations
i ponder about my lowering self-esteem
our relationship was always a tumultuous one
i couldn't bother to fix it, so it all went downhill
i lament on my past and present mistakes
there are just some things you can't change, some things you can't fix
no matter how much you try
i should know. i tried.

the world condemns you, damnation be with you in hell
leaving you to suffer in a prison
of your own making, a cell of your own craving
you ruined your only bright future
with your self-loathing, your deathly addiction
and now, there's nothing left
to do, to say
nothing that can convince me to stay.

delving deeper into the issues, i peel back the layers
how did it feel, when you realised
there was no one waiting for you?
except for the empty bed left behind.
how did it feel, when you had nothing left?
except for a sliver of hope, for the mercy of another.
and even as you begged and begged for forgiveness
an ode to the apologies, a song for the miseries
for him to offer you mercy and salvation
just know that god cannot forgive you,
for you cannot even grant yourself forgiveness
so do you truly deserve to be forgiven?
do you truly deserve to be loved?
i'd like to think the answer was maybe, someday
but i know you'd rather take a no.

henceforth, you are forced in an act of crucifixion
despite your earnest wishes, your heartfelt prayers
they are meaningless to a corpse
a withering piece of flesh
with an unthinkable brain to boot
the only thing keeping me alive is my beating heart
unwilling to give up, unwillingly ticking away my time
as i scramble to grasp the loosening threads in my fingers
moments of my life dash past, forever lost
unable to be recovered, unable to be remembered
in the essence of things, they become meaningless.

i think deeply, i must end this suffering
so i drive this blade through my chest,
i pierce this knife against my skin
my skull lying on the pavement,
where my fallen body meets
and this is where my soul finally leaves
a bullet to end my troubles, in a world i could never win
a sacrifice to end my struggles, in an existence filled with sin
my blood kisses the floor, in a riot of passion
crimson, crimson red, my love
the familiar iron stench that rots my lungs
while the cold, hard ground folds my insides out
splattering an ugly stain, for all to see
what was wrong with me

the coroner declares my body's condition
parades it around, with a simple word in the description
"death," is what they call my state.
thus they decide they must hold a small gathering
in recognition of my memory,
a little something to remember me by
a ceremony to send the decayed and decomposed away
to honour their last living moments, up until they died
whatever that means, i don't really care
they never really recognised me, for who i was
i could never show them my true colours
i could never get them to love me, like how i loved them
i wished for their validation, to give me a reason to live
but i received none, even as the days passed on
maybe people will care a little more, once i'm dead.

tucked in a corner of the fields
with rocks aligned in the shape of my former name
with flowers to decorate my final resting place
with pretty words uttered, but none left for me
my heart must ache miserably
tormented in the travesty of devastation
for they are not the ones i wished them to be
couldn't they have told me these lies when i was alive?
why must they wait until i'm gone,
when they regret the words they can never take back
when they regret the things they never dared to speak
it's already over, the funeral ends.

the aftermath never stops. it simply carries on.
"it wasn't suicide..."
the family murmurs, distressed with the information
"it must have been a mistake!"
the crowd hollers, indignant about the revelation
for my death, you offer the blame to no one
you tell yourself over and over again
convincing yourself, that very lie
which you seek to base the accident on
is now forming into the truth, sinking its treacherous poison

it was no one's fault.

maybe it will help you sleep better tonight
to believe it wasn't your fault
that your dearest friend died,
to know it wasn't your fault
that they would dare to conceive the very notion
of commiting their own suicide.
ha, doesn't that sound about right-

how could they ever think to die?

skin against skin
scraping the barrel
blade against flesh
releasing the insides
warmth fills my bones
and so does the jelly fat
it hobbles around silly
a reminder of what i've done.

don't you feel the same when you see my guilted expression?
don't you feel the love, my twisted apprehension
is this not enough, my form of admiration
for you, i'll do anything.

people's faces are losing meaning in my eyes
people's words are losing sentiment in my mind
oh dear god, in my time of need,
why have you forsaken me?