bridging the gap between unfamiliarity
and the vast unknown
it feels like a difficult job
to adapt and change, like the times
to move and rejoice, like the wind
how can i ever hope to be like them?

please, thank god for saving us
and maybe he's out there, trying
but i'm trying too, to get by every day
even when things don't go my way
i turn to your light, for guidance.

mother, i am drowning
sinking in my endless misery
can't you see?
i'm calling out for help, screaming your name,
but you don't understand my intentions,
you turn around to face the other way
and left me stranded, to choke on my own blood
i loved you like no other
but you don't feel the same.
no, you don't feel at all.

i'm not very good with words, i shudder
it seems i've forgotten the meaning of it all
your words and mine, they feel-
senseless. worthless. useless.
words cannot change a man,
nor can it change my destiny.
i can write and write, and beg you to stay,
but in the end, like all able-bodied flesh,
you will leave my bones one day.

And finally, it's my time to go
Maybe one day I'll realise
That someone out there loves me too
To my best friends
I will miss you.

i think i'm hurt
time and time again
i fall in love with someone i can't have
i fall in love with you over and over again
even if you break my heart
and keep it trapped in your cage
i'll let you hurt me
and pretend that you like me back somehow
even though i don't deserve it
i want you to like me back too
the same way you like talking to me
and in the same way i like talking to you
i love you so much
it hurts that we are not together
and it hurts that you don't seem to feel the same
i wish you do
i wish that you liked me back
or i wish i didn't feel this way
every time you turn to face my way
i feel like im in love again
im smiling and happy
but when you leave
everything turns dark and grey
i hope you don't leave forever
please stay by my side
even if you don't love me the same
let me love you until the day i die

my heart aches for you
and i can't help but love you
everything hurts
even if i beg you to stay
i know its pointless
because you don't feel the same way
i told you i loved you too
but you didn't say a word
so i gave up, and accepted that
maybe you don't like me back
the same way i like you
all this pain, again and again
all these tears, year after year
all because i thought i liked a girl.

i miss the way you used to smile at me
but i still love how you look at me now
your beautiful eyes captivated me
your soothing warmth smooths my shaking hand
hearing your sweet voice simply makes my heart flutter

but in the end, my mind aches
knowing you can never be mine
knowing that you don't feel the same about me
that im just someone to you,
and not the one you need.

so im sorry for loving you,
for acting like an abandoned dog
with how i yearn for you longingly
with how i know you make me happy
with how i promise to be yours for eternity
will you say you like me?

Sometimes, it feels like we are meant to be
Like your fate is written in our destiny.
My love will finally set you free.
So why can't you see, how much you need me?

To all those who flock to the sky
Do they know the reason why?
When they kiss the clouds, and fly up high,
They will never understand how they die.

Luminous, heavenly birds
Fly up, high in the sky
Let your cries of freedom soar
Carry these dashed hopes,
And all these forgotten dreams
May it reach someone kind,
To cherish it dearly.

I have been waiting for a while
Wandering aimlessly, in the wild.
Without the eye of the beholder,
It has lost its only form
And thus, the world is meaningless,
Its beauty vast, always adorned,
But never chosen, and never worn
I have lost my ability to smile

The weather is harsh, cold and chilly
And the howling wind calls out my name bitterly
It urges me to go now, to go quickly
To the ends of the road, I follow, diligently.

I'm waiting for when it snows
When the leaves turn withered and old,
And in the night, it gets cold
That's when I'll finally know
I've returned home.

can i just die!
i led my life astray, meandering
im so tired of this awful suffering
ive asking myself over and over again
why? why put up with this misery?
with no course to cross back to,
and no love reserved for me.
did you even see me as a friend?
or just another means to an end.
i think you've left irreparable scars in my heart
you make me question if everything was worth it
you make me wonder if i even deserve it
maybe i should just give up on this life and restart
somehow i'd make amends for my past mistakes
in this situation, all you did was take
and take and take until i had nothing left
and then you left me.
see this pain, and the tragedy of this relationship
something that can't be fixed with a mere  bandage
it just all went to ****.
all the times we spent together,
all the memories we made together
yet i could never be that her, huh?
tell me the truth, im a *****, admit you are.
you only wanted me until i asked for no more
im a worthless pawn in your scheme, your plans, (rit.)
you only kept me until i started to bite
im a parasite that ****** your parts dry
you only loved me until you grew tired,
i'm just a pretty little appendage that fit the bill
wasted my time, what for?
i went ahead and ****** up my life
things started to go awry
now society swallowed me whole, and spit the innards back out
ive been rejected even by the outcasts
shamed and turned away, always outclassed
when you know you can only lose,
when you know you can never win,
kinda makes me want to throw in the towel
and say fin-!
i hate every moment of this torment
i didnt understand why you hated it
this is what you meant.
it's no place for me, this earth
i feel judged for every word that escapes my lips
the world out there is unkind, cruel
its rough on the misled and misunderstood
im coughing the flumes out of my lungs,
and theres something else, on the tip of my tongue
maybe i'd be better off dead.
this toxicity is ruining the creases of my face
im tasting the bitter vitriol.
ive had enough of this horrid place,
surely, i wont miss any of this, right?
yeah. i'd think so.
thus, i go quietly into the night,
goodbye, and goodbye.

The first time, it was an accident.
The second time, it was a mistake.
The third time, it was a choice.
The fourth time, it was deliberate, purposeful.
By the time the fifth time rolled around, it had wormed its way into my life, as a hard to break habit.
And the final time, it became my way of living.

i hate all contorted words that reek of misery
or how i like to sink, and wallow in boring self-pity
please, make it stop
these thoughts of hatred
questioning why i have lived,
refusing to die, to endure my suffering
i ask myself-
why?

staring at the walls with apathy
i cant help but ask myself,
whats wrong with me?

why do i despise the way my mouth moves,
and the horrifying sounds that follow?

why am i unable to speak, unable to think,
unable to meet your eyes?

i feel so small in your presence.
i feel so small in your eyes.
maybe i'm nothing,
maybe i'm worth nothing.

something must be wrong with my way of thinking
and my miserable way of living
or maybe-
there's something wrong with me.

i dare not ask if god has forsaken our souls
and decided to leave us to rot for our sins
i find the punishment befitting of the crime
but im afraid of being left alone, to die alone.

even if you are not my god
even if you are no longer my savior
because i have nothing left
i will offer myself up to the altar for yoh
and embrace you willingly

even if it hurts me dearly
even if my heart starts to bleed
because i am nothing without you
i will give up my dreams for you
and lose myself willingly

even if i must endure all forms of suffering
even if i must die over and over again
because you have become my everything
i will sacrifice my live and love for you
and pass on willingly

the world has gifted us these hands,
to spread love, not exacerbate hate
it has blessed our eyes with vivid colours,
for us to appreciate, not to differentiate
and thus my heart weeps in sorrow
to see these simple rules not be followed

do you regret your mistakes?
the way you breathe, the way you live,
theres no going back to the way things were
doesnt the quiet silence haunt you?
clouding your vision, looming overhead,
lays the weight of your past sins,
sliding off your measly mortal shoulders
like raindrops, against the howling wind
inconspicuous in the storm.

innate desire compels us to move forward
to strive, to end our slumber
to create something new, something greater
in a merry fashion, we follow
and steadily, we go, towards the light.

they say lies are based in truth
so could you deceive me, and say you love me too?
whisper those sweet nothings, into my ear
and hold my heart close,
letting it beat, serenading your sleep.

even now,
i cannot bring myself
to utter the words quietly
its over.
war is over.

round and round we go,
on the carousel
it occurs to me
theres nothing i can to do to help myself
round and round we go,
on the ferris wheel
i think my relationships
cant ever heal
round and round we go,
on the merry-go-round
i find myself praying to be buried
thinking i am to be falling
on, under, in the ground

mother, im defenceless
fear, chaos, and despair amasses
i ask myself, what is all this?
all of this fighting, is senseless

its a long way down
down and down, goes the stairs
tilting right around the bend
sometimes, it takes a realisation
that some things can't be mended ever again
that a mistake lives with you forever
like a stray dog following its savior
once abandoned by its family
only to find itself wrapped in the arms of
a god, a false divinity
with fake promises of cherished love
i fall in love with a lie instantly
there's a little less than hope left
and i feel like i have no choice but to give in
losing my final say in the matter
i throw my casket out in surrender
asking the coroner to prepare the body
to seep my bones with euthanasia
and **** the life in me, forever

im sorry for ever daring to be born
and for every breath i stole from the world
i apologise for it all, every single terrible deed
my regrets run deep, seeping into the underneath
what should i say now? im sorry.
i beg of you, pleading for your mercy
please return this body of mine to the sea
and set my unsightly remains free
i wish to leave this earth peacefully
now, i sit alone, surrounded by the dense foliage
all alone, as these things should be

what does it matter?
i tire, i toil tirelessly
my mind goes awander
im not sure where i am now
in the moment, or lost forever
that, i think about carefully,
something i take the time to ponder
when one is far apart from another,
does that make the heart grow fonder?
or cause the bond between two to grow stronger
a striking question indeed, i wonder.

sorrow fills my being
it feels so emptying
words feel funny, like an inside joke
and i stand around silly, trying not to mope
about the people i left behind,
the words forgotten, trying to cope
with all the visible seriousness in an act that must be taken, i float aimlessly
my hands grasping around the line
of a firmly tied rope
rhymes are silly, words are silly
nothing makes sense anymore
why bother with a sense of structure?
what it makes for a fitting end
will never be able to replicate the magic of a beginning
and the brilliant birth of an idea
that all stems from me, my thinking
died that very night, when i lost hope
when the song of rhythm was stolen from me
when my spirit faded away, into the world.
there is, there was nothing.
my existence, my birth is an endless cycle,
of misery, i turn about waiting for the end of this tragedy
what comes first, the idea, the thought, chicken, or-
the egg's yolk?

im-
tired.
what used to be?
gone.
i need some form of pity,
some reason to keep living,
to keep leaving, to keep doing something
anything at all
but nothing comes to mind
splutters of semblance crosses my mind
i miss you,
sometimes.

the spirit of a ghost withers away
in the eyes of the world, it stills
what does it mean to live freely?
no one knows the answer, but we can try
to live without regrets, is the greatest joy
unfortunately, life may go astray,
but still, try to live your life,
it's the only one you get in this lifetime
i wonder why, people are only born once?
is it because we cherish things more?
they say second chances are true, but what is the redo for life?
you only have one opportunity, so you must take it
i regret my choices, but i must move on
no matter what, grab the strands of life firmly
and go into the light, standing bravely
embrace your number one,
your only one.

words flow about freely
something i never thought i would see
but then i hoped to see you again
and that came true, didn't it?
i thought i lost you forever, my former self
to the ends of the earth i travelled, looking for you
finally, at the finale of the journey, i realised-
you were with me all along, waiting.

if i tie a knot around my neck
and step off quickly,
will that make the process go much more smoothly
and finally cement the choice as wholly mine?
after being in the wings for so long,
can i grow a pair of my own, finally?
does this mean my life is over, the suffering lost,
and the tears spilled along the way, meaningless?
ever since i came out into the world,
and had to face my reflection, my own making,
i could see every part of my mistakes,
i was my own undoing.
there is no fixing this error, it started when i was born
so maybe the solution is to die
to end myself.

the words written above
are a struggle to express honestly
when i depart, in the middle of the night
i think of everyone, carefully and earnestly
forever, thank you, and-
goodbye.

Maybe I'm a washed up lighthouse
And you're my broken sun
I'm drifting off course
Looking for the one.

Oh.
So many voices, crumbling in the grooves of my brain
Chanting, questioning, whispering
Where did it all go wrong?
I can't help but rub the temple of my head
And feel the firm, hardness of my cranium
Reminiscing on the work put in by my parents to create this trouble, to invent this mistake
Painstakingly so, I ponder

I want to waste it all.

To ruin this effort, to rid myself of humanity
I'm thinking about dying.
I'm thinking about how-
To gain a glaring spot between my eyes
To bare a gaping hole through my insides
To slice up thin, disorderly rows and bleed out dry.

I look up to the heavens, eyeing the strands of my fate
All tied neatly with a gift ribbon
The hands above offered me a string, to tether my soul closer to God
I find myself nearer to the sky, in the form of a crass, hanging oval
Perfectly shaped, for my humble, bowed pathway
That connects my skull to the rest of my body
Please, I beg softly, to the one in the sky
Let me pass, let this purgatory end.

And then, I look down below,
To the one that got away
The **** of the earth, those who shall never be loved, never be named
And I can't help but think-
That I belong there, with them
That I must suffer for my sins, alongside them.

Dreaming was something I regret deeply.
Now, I must live out the rest of my days,
Filled with meaninglessness, forgetting about what could have been
For failing to remember my place amongst the people
And for thinking I could ever be happy.

Lacerations litter your every being,
Slits decorate the spaces between your arms,
The skin around your incisions reddened in fury,
And the mess simply peeled apart at the seams.
With self-gratification as your holy grail,
You wait anxiously, for the next moment of temporary relief.
Knowing every time, you give into your desires of hatred
That you'd slice yourself up giddily, with no thought taken to spare
For the consequences that come after, the burning red scars,
And the choice, the temptation, to suffer all over again.

We've lost all our hopes and dreams
Society has clipped our fragile wings
It has taken all of our ambitions
And left us with nothing but a decision.
To give up the world, and all that is dear
to us.
To leave us somber, in our final moments.

I find your arms wrapped around mine tightly,
Suffocating my will nauseatingly
The rest of my life, I'm burning away in your presence.
While sinking deeper into the abyss,
I am enamored with your sugary-sweet lies
Promising this time I have left to you.

As much it aches my fragile heart,
I love you.

Won't you give me a final chance?
To live with you breathing down my neck
I need to be with you forever.
With the hope that feels so far away,
And all the things that mean something-
Just forget it ever existed.

Is the red splashes on my face another way of saying you love me?
Do the tears symbolize drops of your never-ending devotion?
Your confession of sin thoroughly confuses me.

And I shunned every part of you, from my memory
Maybe I am the villain for painting you in black.
I can't decide what role you play in this story.

Gently rocking, my cradle astray
Peer through the lens, to see the fragments of recollection
I can only see the world, in black, white and monotonous shades of gray.
With me, will you stay, forever?

It's the only decision that you made of your own choosing
While nobody cares that you're always losing
And nobody cares that you're always bleeding
Say, who really cares about what you're feeling?
When all your love will simply amount to nothing.

Trusting in our savior to protect us from harm
We believed in your neverending reign of glory
Your thick, tall lies, built us up above
Scaffolding our expectations of you really were
A liar, a fake, a false revelation.

Do I matter?
Do I have a purpose?
Should I die?
Ask, and ask, and ask.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Yet you receive nothing but contempt. Nothing but silence. Nothing at all-
Except your voice, echoing in the halls.

Regardless,
I still deem you as my savior.
Lies piled upon lies,
Delusions become my reality.
So, reach out your hand to me,
My kind lord
You shine brightly, among the stars
Your grasp felt like salvation.
You are my everything,
My reason to survive.
You are my joy and pride,
My reason to keep this life.

My god, I am your devotee
Dearest lord, please bless me
Free us from our worldly desires,
From all of our selfish inhibitions,
And lead us to the correct end, the final decision.

But why?
Why?
Purpose fills my mind
I don't understand a thing
It's quiet, no words are spoken,
Just pure, suffocating silence
Take me home,
I've assimilated with the garden of bones.
Are you feeling happy now?
Finally you have peace
No more noise screaming in your head
Such gratifying relief.

Apologies fill my head
How can I explain my actions?
Forgiveness is out of the question
I'm sorry, for lying
A story without its conclusion
I'll leave the stage
I'm tired of this endless suffering
I'm still stuck in the beginning
Drifting.

What to do? What to do?
Sorrow fills my bones
Sorrow, I'm sorry.
How can I ever get you to look at me the same?
I know you're gone
And it's exhausting
You're gone, and this love is toxic.

But where else could I go?
Only home, in your arms.
So accept me back, my love.
Hold me tight, hold me close
Love me forever, and love me the most.
While I make many empty promises
Like when I promised you
That I would never leave
I never meant for it to turn out to be a lie
If I had told you, a long time ago
How I truly felt, how I loved you so
Would you still have left, and let me go?

Regrets are boundless.
I’m sorry dearest,
I understand your grief
And I’m sorry for leaving,
Will you forgive me?

How can that lovely, pursed mouth of yours
Spew such horrid and distasteful lies,
Utter nonsense dripping from your lips
When you say,
Dig my heart out, for the masses to see
How much I loved you, how dear you were to me
They sting and burn, chipping away at my skin
Ruining me from the inside out, I've become ugly
It hurts when you speak, it's killing me slowly.
Why, why do you hate me?

i turn to god and ask him silently
what right do you have to determine our lives?
the strings of fate, grip us tightly
we are bound for the path you have set for us
how much are you going to keep robbing the poor?
until they've spent every last of their expenditure
what choice do the poor men have?
they can only follow along reluctantly.
on and on, to the front they go
like ants they die out, quietly.

this is hell on earth.
repeating this cycle again and again.
of forgiveness, of forgetfulness,
oh how i despite it so.
i wait, and wait, and wait,
for a moment of peace,
for a moment of freedom.
but there is nothing-
except my cold, bitter self,
and my long lost hope for the future.
i lay there, and rot,
knowing my time of purgatory will never end.
it will just.
keep.
going.
and i will sink,
and let myself drown in this sorrow,
so i may never have to think about
struggling to breathe again.

guilt, guilt, guilt!
it swallows me whole,
and devours my insides,
leaving nothing left.
i am consumed by it,
every fiber of my being,
lost to the feeling.
regrets bubble up in my throat,
mistakes ive made fill up my mind and make me spiral.
how could someone love someone so imperfect?
how could i ever forgive myself?
do i deserve forgiveness, god?
i plead for an answer, but i can only wallow in my misery.
sorry, sorry, sorry, a thousand times,
but the intended receiver never accepts my plea of pity,
because i will never forgive myself for my endless sins.
sorry.
did i say too much?