sometimes you need a friend
a dear one indeed
to tell you when
you have to send
your parting letters
while hoping to mend
your past relationships
boosting morale at an all-time low
with morbid rites to follow
hey, did you know?
the rules can't bend
no matter how much you wish, though
you can't defy the status quo
so now, i must say,
sometimes you need a friend
a kind one's in need
to help you comprehend
that it's finally the end
it's the end, indeed
say goodbye, me.
see, sea, si.

nobody has to know
what i'm doing between my thighs
what i'm thinking about, like ending my life
alcoholism synthesizes the metabolism
living losing its meaning
dying feels like im thriving
im chasing this never-ending high
never wanting to stop, to ask myself why
i drown further in my thoughts
the disease plaguing my mind
the need to finally leave everything behind
the desire urging me to die
nobody had to know.

you'd think you love this guy
the next thing you know, he's between your thighs
purloining your very innocence
i'm sorry, you didn't have the foresight
to finally call it a night
the disgust starts seeping in, evident
flesh against skin, it begins to rip
draining the spirit of your humour, a man's parasitic brain tumor
numb to the consequence, it drips
you become his perfect, plastic doll
submissive and subservient,
and suddenly, you don't remember what you're doing here at all.

i'd date the moon
just to be able to see the stars
in the vast night sky
alluring, dazzling eyes
surrounded in a deep sea of lies,
let me drown, in your mesmerising dream.

i think that maybe, just maybe,
the loneliness will **** the life in me
that one day i'll realise that life has nothing left in store for me
staring down the bottle of liquor
the sting of liquid courage, it feels so bitter
removing the painful memories, the forbidden knowledge
i'm thriving, i'm lying
deep down, i'm dying
and i'll wake up and see
there's no reason left for living
i'll spend my last days alone
waiting for your words
so i can validate my worth
for a devotion that doesn't exist
for someone i deeply miss
but i know it will never come.
i'd think it's almost a stranger speaking
estranged, deranged, yet life remains unchanged
you are a shadow of who you once were
i think i'm waiting on something that was never meant to be
this frugal honesty truly hurts me,
a fleeting feeling, i can't understand this.

from the book of a dying patient
from the words of a deceased soul
from the thoughts of a dead brain
i used to think life was better when i was alive
maybe it's an obvious fact
but i could still move freely
i could still speak freely, dream freely
i could still think coherently
but now i am useless
rotted to the bone
the maggots are invaded my flesh
and the knife has carved out my insides
the insects have made a home out of my dying self
my guts have spilled out
scattered on the floor like my incessant thoughts
like a sacred offering in an act of desperation
to reverse the wheel of fate, and grant me more days
but alas it proved useless in the end,
just like my existence
a little something to remember me by
i'm sorry for existing
for taking up space from others
but you no longer have to worry about dead weight
for now, i am a dead, back space.
it's endless, unwelcoming, and deathly cold-
blank, eternal death.

i'm sorry for being so unlovable
for being born imperfect
for being daring enough to be born
i'm sorry for everything i've done
for stealing so many breaths from the world
i don't deserve any of your forgiveness
even if i pray to the savior for mercy
i don't believe i deserve any of it.
i think i'm losing my talent
my attention, my meaning
i can't write, or write my rights
i can't tell from right, and right
i don't understand the words you are deciphering
the words you are interpreting feel foreign
my breaths start to feel stolen again
my thoughts start to feel useless again
i can't understand you
i can't understand you
help me
help me see the truth
please.
isn't that enough?

they told me
you'll understand once you're older
and then you left me, lonely
to rot alone, to toil alone
when all i dreamed of was to hold your hand
and maybe be more than a friend
could i ever hope to be more?

maybe not.
maybe this is all a false revelation,
a mistaken confession
maybe it's just another unhealthy obsession.

i can't tell,
from right and wrong
from love and hate
from you and i,
to you, truly,
whom i used to love,
i'm sorry you can't love me.

i close my eyes
endure my suffering
put away the negative thoughts
and keep thinking happy

i live in my delusion
of dreams and hopes
none i can ever hope to fulfil
i continue sleeping

i turn a blind eye
to the pain around me
failing to understand
the truth of the world

i must wake up
take a step forward
open my mind to the future
and stop living in the past

i need to move on
if i refuse to do so,
i will never learn to let go
and be free.

oh dear...
i think there's some fog in my brain,
it's filling up with fear
i'm drowning in the rain,
dripping with tears
nothing really feels clear.

seeing their face,
looking at me with disdain
knowing this is something,
something that i can't ever hope to mend.
i can't pretend that-
i don't feel the insufferable pain
of losing my only friend.

so i look at the bottom of the barrel,
take a swig of my beer
realising that things will never be the same
seeing that it's the end of my years,
thinking how i miss being here,
how i'll miss calling your name.

even if i devote my whole life to a sorry
it will never be enough
to replace the aching hole in my heart
i can never be enough, can i?
i can't fill in your shoes
no matter how hard i try
it will never be enough,
maybe if i tried.
but i'm tired of trying
of giving, of losing
i'm tired of everything. trying.
what's the point?
i'm not enough. i never am.

how can i explain this feeling?
i'm suffocating in the guilt
the burden of knowing
the burden of thinking
of what could have been
i'm sorry for everything
but a thousand apologies can't bring you back.

no one needs an explanation
for the things i've done
for the things i'm about to do
no one needs to understand
the things i wanted
the things i cared about
even i don't understand myself.

obsession suffocates
perfectionists isolate
find yourself
a place to hide
from all your problems
find yourself
a shoulder to cry on
to escape from your mistakes
erase your memory
to preserve your dignity
you must die.

black hair breezing in the sun
with lovely sun-kissed folds
your piercing eyes stare right
into my longing soul
questioning the journey ahead
i can't look away
as the deep sea drifts
and the lonely moon stills
i think i'll confess my secret
tonight, i love you.

if i disappeared
would you even notice?
if i left
would you even care?
if i died
would you even bother to cry?
yes, you'd say
but deep down in my heart,
i'd know it was a lie.

sometimes you love me, sometimes you don't
it feels so hot and cold, your touch
when your words hurt, they make my arms bleed
when your words sweet, they make my heart beat
you smile at me sometimes,
maybe you notice the heat on my cheeks,
but you look away sometimes,
and ignore my gaze.
i don't understand how you feel, when you leave me
i don't understand how you feel, when you love me
and yet you do it all again
it drives me a little crazy
and emotionally distraught
to deal with this rollercoaster
of your highs and my lows,
am i too clingy?
you can tell me the truth, you know?
is what i'd say, if you'd even talk to me
i haven't see you these days
are you getting better? am i getting worse?
i don't know. i don't want to know.
i see you in the corner of my eye, the shadows of my vision
i hear you everywhere
i think about you all the **** time,
knowing you probably don't feel the same
i think i almost cried when you left
but you will never feel the same.
never.

a craving love can't satiate
an expression i can't help but hate
the voices in my head, criminalising and condescending
this empty feeling, is something i struggle to comprehend
because it's something that i don't understand
in order for the situation to de-escalate
i believe i need some form of escape
to stop myself from thinking about the end,
about when this end will come to be.
oops, i think I've hit my saturate
that wasn't my intent, surely?
i see, my world must be ending
so in hopes for the future, i must repeat the sentiment-
woe is me!

i can't even recognise my own face in the mirror
i can't identify my self-reflection
even after i've stolen all those dashed hopes and dreams
these thoughts can't escape me now
i know i won't ever change
so i don't dare to steal a glance
i'd never look back twice, i promise.

it's a long way down
but i'm good at waiting for the end
in the myriad sea of faces
i don't think i see a familiar friend
sometimes, i feel so terrifyingly alone
please, can you fix this feeling of despair
and free me from this never-ending nightmare?

i need these hollow, juvenile dreams
to keep my little world afloat

it's strange,
to think of life without you.
you touched my heart, my soul
you have become my everything
it feels strange,
to think of love without you.
when you're gone, far far away
even when i begged you to stay
i missed you so much.
and i'm afraid to ask-
did you feel the same?
what didn't you say, when you saw me once again
what did i say again?
it feels like a blur,
time passes by quickly when i'm with you
don't you think it's strange too?

there's a warmth somewhere,
there's a feeling down there
i'd hope you would care
about how i'd fare
about how i'd bear
without you.

i wish you love, love, love me
because i need, need, need you
so badly, i love you
but i know you never felt the same
it feels like i'm pouring my heart out
and you're tipping the glass over
telling me my intentions are half empty,
but i was half full.
even if you tell me lies,
i still listen obediently
even if you leave me to die,
i still wait patiently.
like a pathetic dog, i must follow
i love endlessly, obsessively,
i can't let you go, out of my mind
i wish you were mine,
but you care not for me.
so i must watch on the sidelines
waiting, for you to accept my heart with open arms
i dream for that day,
though i know it will never come
i will wait for you to take my hand
and wipe away the wounds and scars
and make me feel alive again, with your touch
i will wait a thousand days, a thousand years,
for you, i would do anything, and everything.
even if you don't feel the same,
i feel something.
because in the end, i have only you,
my one and everything,
without you,
i am nothing.

it's ten o'clock.
the cycle never stops.
it continues on and on,
just like your boring speeches
just like your silly mannerisms
and your false pretences.
when will you learn to stop, sailor?
when will you rip your sail,
and disrupt your winds?
when will you learn to fly, dove?
when will you steal your dream,
and discard your wings?
i don't think you will ever learn
you will continue on this path,
and i can't look away.
i can watch. i can only, as it all burns,
watch.

goodness, goodwill,
it's all apart of god's will.
live, love,
loving thyself, should be enough.
sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's enough,
but i brush those thoughts aside,
like discarded pen knives,
the sting of the thinking still brings a sense of melancholy
i think i think too much for my little head
so i must say,
i must say-
goodbye!

sleepy and dozing
i dream of another world
another life where we are happy
where you loved me dearly
when i could call your name sweetly
and hold your hand as we dash along the fields
into the joyful times ahead
but i wake up, and remember-
you're gone.

i'm so tired
of everything
of waking up everyday
realising there's nothing left for me
you're gone, far far away from me
now i'm all alone, and no one loves me.

i think it's squeezing-
for an answer
for a drop of lemon
for the birth of another
this sensation brings so much-
painful
souring
life.

bridging the gap between unfamiliarity
and the vast unknown
it feels like a difficult job
to adapt and change, like the times
to move and rejoice, like the wind
how can i ever hope to be like them?

please, thank god for saving us
and maybe he's out there, trying
but i'm trying too, to get by every day
even when things don't go my way
i turn to your light, for guidance.

mother, i am drowning
sinking in my endless misery
can't you see?
i'm calling out for help, screaming your name,
but you don't understand my intentions,
you turn around to face the other way
and left me stranded, to choke on my own blood
i loved you like no other
but you don't feel the same.
no, you don't feel at all.

i'm not very good with words, i shudder
it seems i've forgotten the meaning of it all
your words and mine, they feel-
senseless. worthless. useless.
words cannot change a man,
nor can it change my destiny.
i can write and write, and beg you to stay,
but in the end, like all able-bodied flesh,
you will leave my bones one day.

And finally, it's my time to go
Maybe one day I'll realise
That someone out there loves me too
To my best friends
I will miss you.

i think i'm hurt
time and time again
i fall in love with someone i can't have
i fall in love with you over and over again
even if you break my heart
and keep it trapped in your cage
i'll let you hurt me
and pretend that you like me back somehow
even though i don't deserve it
i want you to like me back too
the same way you like talking to me
and in the same way i like talking to you
i love you so much
it hurts that we are not together
and it hurts that you don't seem to feel the same
i wish you do
i wish that you liked me back
or i wish i didn't feel this way
every time you turn to face my way
i feel like im in love again
im smiling and happy
but when you leave
everything turns dark and grey
i hope you don't leave forever
please stay by my side
even if you don't love me the same
let me love you until the day i die

my heart aches for you
and i can't help but love you
everything hurts
even if i beg you to stay
i know its pointless
because you don't feel the same way
i told you i loved you too
but you didn't say a word
so i gave up, and accepted that
maybe you don't like me back
the same way i like you
all this pain, again and again
all these tears, year after year
all because i thought i liked a girl.

i miss the way you used to smile at me
but i still love how you look at me now
your beautiful eyes captivated me
your soothing warmth smooths my shaking hand
hearing your sweet voice simply makes my heart flutter

but in the end, my mind aches
knowing you can never be mine
knowing that you don't feel the same about me
that im just someone to you,
and not the one you need.

so im sorry for loving you,
for acting like an abandoned dog
with how i yearn for you longingly
with how i know you make me happy
with how i promise to be yours for eternity
will you say you like me?

Sometimes, it feels like we are meant to be
Like your fate is written in our destiny.
My love will finally set you free.
So why can't you see, how much you need me?

To all those who flock to the sky
Do they know the reason why?
When they kiss the clouds, and fly up high,
They will never understand how they die.

Luminous, heavenly birds
Fly up, high in the sky
Let your cries of freedom soar
Carry these dashed hopes,
And all these forgotten dreams
May it reach someone kind,
To cherish it dearly.

I have been waiting for a while
Wandering aimlessly, in the wild.
Without the eye of the beholder,
It has lost its only form
And thus, the world is meaningless,
Its beauty vast, always adorned,
But never chosen, and never worn
I have lost my ability to smile

The weather is harsh, cold and chilly
And the howling wind calls out my name bitterly
It urges me to go now, to go quickly
To the ends of the road, I follow, diligently.

I'm waiting for when it snows
When the leaves turn withered and old,
And in the night, it gets cold
That's when I'll finally know
I've returned home.

can i just die!
i led my life astray, meandering
im so tired of this awful suffering
ive asking myself over and over again
why? why put up with this misery?
with no course to cross back to,
and no love reserved for me.
did you even see me as a friend?
or just another means to an end.
i think you've left irreparable scars in my heart
you make me question if everything was worth it
you make me wonder if i even deserve it
maybe i should just give up on this life and restart
somehow i'd make amends for my past mistakes
in this situation, all you did was take
and take and take until i had nothing left
and then you left me.
see this pain, and the tragedy of this relationship
something that can't be fixed with a mere  bandage
it just all went to ****.
all the times we spent together,
all the memories we made together
yet i could never be that her, huh?
tell me the truth, im a *****, admit you are.
you only wanted me until i asked for no more
im a worthless pawn in your scheme, your plans, (rit.)
you only kept me until i started to bite
im a parasite that ****** your parts dry
you only loved me until you grew tired,
i'm just a pretty little appendage that fit the bill
wasted my time, what for?
i went ahead and ****** up my life
things started to go awry
now society swallowed me whole, and spit the innards back out
ive been rejected even by the outcasts
shamed and turned away, always outclassed
when you know you can only lose,
when you know you can never win,
kinda makes me want to throw in the towel
and say fin-!
i hate every moment of this torment
i didnt understand why you hated it
this is what you meant.
it's no place for me, this earth
i feel judged for every word that escapes my lips
the world out there is unkind, cruel
its rough on the misled and misunderstood
im coughing the flumes out of my lungs,
and theres something else, on the tip of my tongue
maybe i'd be better off dead.
this toxicity is ruining the creases of my face
im tasting the bitter vitriol.
ive had enough of this horrid place,
surely, i wont miss any of this, right?
yeah. i'd think so.
thus, i go quietly into the night,
goodbye, and goodbye.

The first time, it was an accident.
The second time, it was a mistake.
The third time, it was a choice.
The fourth time, it was deliberate, purposeful.
By the time the fifth time rolled around, it had wormed its way into my life, as a hard to break habit.
And the final time, it became my way of living.

i hate all contorted words that reek of misery
or how i like to sink, and wallow in boring self-pity
please, make it stop
these thoughts of hatred
questioning why i have lived,
refusing to die, to endure my suffering
i ask myself-
why?

staring at the walls with apathy
i cant help but ask myself,
whats wrong with me?

why do i despise the way my mouth moves,
and the horrifying sounds that follow?

why am i unable to speak, unable to think,
unable to meet your eyes?

i feel so small in your presence.
i feel so small in your eyes.
maybe i'm nothing,
maybe i'm worth nothing.

something must be wrong with my way of thinking
and my miserable way of living
or maybe-
there's something wrong with me.

i dare not ask if god has forsaken our souls
and decided to leave us to rot for our sins
i find the punishment befitting of the crime
but im afraid of being left alone, to die alone.

even if you are not my god
even if you are no longer my savior
because i have nothing left
i will offer myself up to the altar for yoh
and embrace you willingly

even if it hurts me dearly
even if my heart starts to bleed
because i am nothing without you
i will give up my dreams for you
and lose myself willingly

even if i must endure all forms of suffering
even if i must die over and over again
because you have become my everything
i will sacrifice my live and love for you
and pass on willingly

the world has gifted us these hands,
to spread love, not exacerbate hate
it has blessed our eyes with vivid colours,
for us to appreciate, not to differentiate
and thus my heart weeps in sorrow
to see these simple rules not be followed