August finally rolls around
A finality that echoes my heart-felt sentiments
I hope it meant something
Those tiny, little words
Those soft, aching lines
Those rainy, quiet days
When I told you I'm sorry
Repetitive are these words
The things I pen down, useless
Unfamiliarity strikes me center
Just like the days gone by
The memories lost to time
The people fading away into silhouettes
I've forgotten every moment of meaning
Every smile, every regret
It bleeds into one, singular line
Across my thoughts, buried in my wrist
Tangled in my chest, twisted deep in my heart
My mind still clicks, filled with a capability to contemplate
But it can't undo the pain, it overwhelms me completely
Then, a thought occurs to me
Omnipresent in every dream, a lingering sensation on my lips
How could I ever have called this place home?
The miserable suffering I endure
The wounds inflicted in my toiling
On this weary soul, wasn't it enough?
Every waking second, I see it
Shadows, lurking in the back of my mind
The corner, tucked away, deep inside
Hidden from any stray, prying eyes
I may have needed you, wanted you,
Embraced your form in my outstretched arms
But now I think of this not
Praying I get by the passing day, without a hitch
In my throat, with my breaths, catching
Hand to hand, tagging, with the love I so desperately crave
The touch that could make me whole
And fulfil the longing in my heart, rid the aching in my chest
This can never be achieved,
It's a concept I cannot grasp
An understanding I can never hope to attain
Once, I wished for my happiness
Oh, what a hollow dream
Pondering the thoughts I cannot own
The light I cannot steal, the darkness that surrounds me
Unrelenting in its pursuit, refusing to let go
So I sink, I drown, I accept it fully
Despite everything, I couldn't change a thing
I come to a final realisation, the world splits apart
This fragile affection of mine shatters
In another lifetime, I loved you, but not anymore
No one can mend what's broken
No one can stop this unraveling
Of the mind, the heart, the very essence of my soul
I have swallowed bitterness, choked on my very unhappiness
I have already planned my defeat, and delved into the hopelessness
I apologise for my mistakes, for ever daring to be something more
Yet there's no turning back now, no undoing my choice
I cannot outrun my terrible past, nor can I bury my endless guilt
I have to accept what's done is done
It's what you would have wanted
God, I feel so ******* lonely
Alienated in a society, that refuses to embrace me
Desperation shakes me to my very core
Piercing straight through my veins
In my head, this voice rings incessantly
Pleading, begging, praying for a future
That I would somehow find a scarce joy
But this fruitless wish is short-lived
Ever since I have come into this world, allowed the light to seep onto my skin
Ever since I have taken my first breath, when I have first opened my eyes
I have already failed in this task
And lately, I've been thinking
I want to end it all.
I don't know how to live anymore, especially when I've already given up on everything
I can't believe I'll be able to endure the emptiness I feel
I don't think I can live any longer than this
I'm so tired of it all, I wish I could die
I desire to pass away early, far beyond my time
In this plight, I perceive no end, no way out of this misery
What hope is there left? Nothing ever remains
I know there's no peace in ending it all, only suffering for those left behind
And you're still so young, barely grown
But all these reasons, they don't matter, they don't mean a thing
For once, I want to be selfish, and make a choice that's wholly my own
This one and only ending is my first
Things are impermanent, and that's the way it's been, how the universe was created
But I disagree, for the world always changes, far too quickly for my liking
Nothing in the universe is set in stone
Yet death washes away all those stains
No more worries, no more grievances
A permanent stop to the thinking
Peaceful silence in the meadows, a sun that never stops shining
Your eyes that will forever remain open
Unblinking, staring, right back at me
Gazing deeply into my soul, judging
And when my brain meets the concrete
Just ceasing to exist, killing the uneven breathing
The tick-tock chime, the consistent beating of a heart that should end
Blood pools underneath my shaking resolve
Trembling in fear, knowing what I've wanted to do
Seeing the endless abyss, engulfing me whole
In its sickeningly sweet envelope of distance
I think it's better if I ended things
It'd be the best for everyone involved
A conclusion to a story no one bothered to notice
An attention never intended to be granted
I plan to slip away quietly, and vanish into the night
So that no one would remember me, or how I died
Goodbye, my friends, and goodnight to all
I promise that I'll miss all of you deeply
I'll look back on whatever memories I have left, and remember each and every one of you fondly
Just know that this way, I can finally rest
Maybe I'll find some solace, drifting in the afterlife
I know I'll be happier when I'm gone
And thinking about it now, it starts to make sense
From the start, I should have known,
From the day I was born, when I was brought into this world
I was never fated for greatness, only misery
How foolish can I be, I ask, what do I even have to live for?
I should have never dreamed of being happy
After all, it was never meant to be
This bittersweet truth, it's all I know
And in the end, no matter how hard I tried
I'm sorry... I still couldn't let go
This heart of mine was always destined to be filled with sorrow
To my beloved companion, and my dearest friend — I love you.