The color purple.
A football field.
A hand of a giant in mine.
The smell of stale beer.
Cigarette smoke.

that was the first time
so young and so blind
yet the memory is refined
behind closed eyes
the beginning of the recording
when I hit rewind

Lately I've been thinking it
Longing to see him throughout the day
Looking for a text
Learning who he is
Listening to his voice

Living each day wondering how he
Lifts my spirits
Lightens my mood and
Leaves me better than I was

Lately I've been thinking it
Leading myself toward saying it but
Lingering in these early moments
Longing for him to be thinking it too
Lest I say it too soon

I've never had a way with words
though my thoughts run rampantly
Opposed to a herd or flock
running in every which way
instead of the same like a clock
But I've never been able
to pin them down
I write and frown as the words
Dont seem to say
What i want
Or i peel my eyes and wait
For the time my pencil wakes
And writes its own mind
Because mine has obviously forgotten
How to write out a simple plot and
Even as i look back on this
I see my words
have missed
a lot
My thoughts remain inside my head
Searching for a common thread
A path to that small bit of lead
In my hand, still,
waiting for something to break out

I've finally realized my worst nightmare.
All it took was reading something that was always there
hidden in the recesses of someone else's mind,
written down for yours and mine
to process and enjoy, relate to then forget
as we continue down the rabbit hole of online.

But this story, this time, seemed to stick.

I've met my greatest fear, the panic it incurs.
The breathlessness. The blurriness. The helplessness.
merely from the though of it...
to forget

take my hand and i'll take yours
down every path, we'll open doors
dark and light, wrong or right
we will make it through the night

don't look down, the rope is thin
pray there's not a gust of wind
joy and pain, sun and rain
our lives burning like flames

the hill is steep and so's the price
but if we make it up in time
you and I, today and forever
can make it through any weather

I will wake up tomorrow
never again to rest my head
in this place, in this bed.

I will wake up tomorrow
and return home head high
after so many days gone by.

I will wake up tomorrow
a better person for the things I've gone through
and while I may not be brand new, this is a preview.

I will wake up tomorrow
with a smile, with a laugh,
in this place, in this bed
bittersweet that it had to end.

I feel like I am talking to you
in my own little way
interacting with words without
fear of you knowing what I say

A freedom hard won
though so easily lost
as the hints start to line up
chalked up to coincidence
but at what cost?

And I know it may be due
to the fact I hate keeping secrets from you
the hints went both ways
I see that as true

but that was back then, and this is now
and I want you to see this name
as just another in the crowd

but that seems a realization
already a little too late
so just tell me if I need to run away
and find a new name

I am still here
I am not going away
I am here to stay
I will make it someday

i need them more than they need me
I text first and often repeatedly

I share about my day, my thoughts,
My dreams
Or more like my nightmares

And all they do is push like. Push heart.
Push haha. Push !!

No words. No outreach.
No more friendship
No more
No

I need to shower.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to clean my suits.
I need to try.

For so long I stayed undiagnosed
Because it didnt affect my daily life

But without even realizing i was
Taking a turn i got worse than even those times i was seeing someone every week
Just to feel alive

Something doesn't feel right
And I wonder if I have time

watching the numbers tick by on the clock
contemplating existence and its imminent end
never thought i'd see those numbers again
maybe I should take a walk around the block
scream to the sky, where no one can mock

it's different this time, in the dead of night
my eyes grow dim and hazy, dizzy in the head
wishing he weren't here, and I were in bed
but there is no sun here, no stars, no light
I've barely the strength to fight my own fight

something in me is broken, a crack in the shell
maybe this is the last time those numbers drift by
and i'll find peace where i'm headed after I die
for here, i've found myself in a personal hell
wondering how the devil knew me so well

life throws out woes
to catch if you can
Catch, why catch a woe?
because dropping it means
you can't handle the throw

Never had a good way to express my emotions,
nor a safe way, nor an efficient way.
Even this pen in my hand is a dangerous thing
with just the right tip to be able to hurt me
as I think of turning my only savior into enemy.

But instead I use it correctly, use it as a go-between,
writing the words I still can't say to this day
Help me, please help me, and don't leave me.
my soft whispered mantra, as loud as a scream.

Things are changing, that much is always true,
but I am so terrified of losing you, of losing myself,
of losing this seemingly so fragile peace.

I'm trying to do what I know is right,
but reminiscing calls forth fight or flight