At some point
Living with and trying to get over
Depression
Is a lesson in
The sunk cost fallacy

You think about
A day where you don't have to
Wake up
And deal with everything
The world could just stop

But you don't
And you wake up again with
Perhaps
More scars and more bad days
As the price you pay

And you get
To the next day and the next
Until
One day it seems like
If you were going to do anything
Rash
To avoid the scars and pain and bad days
You should have done it
Long ago

So now you just
Keep waking up
Everyday
Whether or not it's good or bad
Because of the sunk cost

It's not worth it now
Cuz it should've happened way back then
To avoid what's come since

So you keep on going

It's called living
With depression

This is the last night
I'll sleep in this city
In this place
Ive called home for three years

This is the last night
I can even pretend
I live in the same city
As all of my friends

This is the last night
Of this part of my life

It's been a tough three years
But also the best ive ever had
Im not where i need to be yet
But im trying

And i guess its alright
That we're all leaving
One another behind

Because its about time
I learn to start living
Because i want this life
And not just because
I want them in mine

Lately I've been thinking it
Longing to see him throughout the day
Looking for a text
Learning who he is
Listening to his voice

Living each day wondering how he
Lifts my spirits
Lightens my mood and
Leaves me better than I was

Lately I've been thinking it
Leading myself toward saying it but
Lingering in these early moments
Longing for him to be thinking it too
Lest I say it too soon

What a difference 24 hours can make
When you focus on what you can have
That was happiness I didn't have to fake
A nice dinner, a deck of cards, some laughs

I forgot about the others I miss
I forgot for a bit
I forgot til it hit

Alone now I start to wonder
If letting go and moving on
Is self preservation or a blunder

Whats the point of holding on
When missing them makes it hard to breathe
And being with him puts my mind at ease

Impulsivity is a matter of perspective

I've thought about telling him
For a year

I've thought about quiet after life
Just as long

Is it impulsive
When you've thought it
But reservation demands inaction

When you finally shout
When the time finally comes
They all say what have you done
Think it through, hold your tongue

I did
For so long
The time had come
And now that I've blown us up
I think i'm done

Did you know I saw a razor blade
In the grass on my walk home today

And it made me stop mid-stride
Imagining what it would feel like
on the inside of my arm

Did you know, when I saw that story about
the pedestrian, the thought that went
through my head

That it could've been me instead
And I wouldn't much mind being dead

Did you know I would be the one
to flame out

There's no purpose in work and life
Nothing to care about

Did you know that after six months
apart and away

I still cry over our friendship,
our loss, nearly every day

Sometime i wonder what's healthier
How to cope best

People stand aghast at my oldest method
Thinking anything is better instead

But in the long run
A little cut won't **** me

But drinking night after night
A dependency that's crept up on me
Is harder to fight

Which will **** me faster?
Which can i handle and master?
Before my life turns to disaster

Going off my meds
Canceling counseling
Avoiding friends
Burning blood in my veins and foggy head
Confusion. Lost my train of thought again

I miss my river, the bridge, the lights
Somewhere to go on these horrible nights
Miss having some options
Miss knowing I could
Miss having the people I stayed for
Like i promised i would

From here i can hear the train
Seems worse than water but somehow stronger; like Anna K anyway
But it's loud where the river was quiet
And i would never have courage to try it

It doesn't matter if I'm enough
It doesn't matter I don't see you enough
It doesn't matter if I've had enough
Getting to the next day
Is enough

Too bad un oeuf costs so much today
And I don't have enough to give
Or care enough to convince myself
Enough is worth the pain of
Getting through today

I think love may be finding that perfect little thing to show someone you've been listening
and that you were thinking of them

And if that's love
I hope one day
I stop finding
those perfect
little things
for him

i need them more than they need me
I text first and often repeatedly

I share about my day, my thoughts,
My dreams
Or more like my nightmares

And all they do is push like. Push heart.
Push haha. Push !!

No words. No outreach.
No more friendship
No more
No

Feeling nothing was dangerous
And he saw that in me
And made it his job to poke
And **** and evoke
Any feeling