Everything that makes the world
Seem quieter for a moment
Makes me happier for better or worse

He makes me safe, keeps me warm
His world and mine, keep out the storms

A little beat, a lyric rhymed
Blocks out the sound, for just a time

A blanket of white, over the ground
I cant explain the peace
Of the muted sounds

A bit of poison
A lot I guess
Blocks out
The rest

Have you ever screamed,
At least in your head,
At characters in a book?

You knew they were being stupid
That a conversation could fix it
That the drag on wasn't necessary

Have you ever screamed
At characters in a book?
And then realized you were just as bad?

If your life were a book
Would you scream at you too?
What would you do?

Because as much as I've always wanted
To be in one of my stories
Now that I am I can't believe
I thought my life was boring

Done more
Tried more
Been more

Loved smarter
Lived smarter
Stepped smarter

Protected myself
Prioritized myself
Helped myself

Met him
Distanced him
Forgotten him

Should've done a lot
So I didn't end up
In this position

At least being sad
Is easier
When you know why
You cry

Instead of
Indifferent tears
Overwhelmed
By being alive

How can someone I love so much
Be the reason I cry, be the reason I'm sad
Be the reason I see a new post and get mad

The person I knew isn't there anymore
May have never existed
Was never mine, that's for sure

But how do you tell your brain
That that thing it depended on
At some of the worst of times
Isn't coming back. That it's died

What a difference 24 hours can make
When you focus on what you can have
That was happiness I didn't have to fake
A nice dinner, a deck of cards, some laughs

I forgot about the others I miss
I forgot for a bit
I forgot til it hit

Alone now I start to wonder
If letting go and moving on
Is self preservation or a blunder

Whats the point of holding on
When missing them makes it hard to breathe
And being with him puts my mind at ease

Going off my meds
Canceling counseling
Avoiding friends
Burning blood in my veins and foggy head
Confusion. Lost my train of thought again

I miss my river, the bridge, the lights
Somewhere to go on these horrible nights
Miss having some options
Miss knowing I could
Miss having the people I stayed for
Like i promised i would

From here i can hear the train
Seems worse than water but somehow stronger; like Anna K anyway
But it's loud where the river was quiet
And i would never have courage to try it