You told me  I deserve better
You told me how much you wanted me
You made me trust you once again

And like a pendulum
You couldn't prevent the past from repeating
And now I am alone once more

Empty words
Empty promises
Just another for empty love

The roar of the crowd
only for a season

every event timed
every event judged

8 seconds
14 seconds
less then 2

all impressive in their own event
and many forget that the roar of the crowd
is only a tiny part of the lifestyle

Many hours
early mornings
late nights
working through weekends and holiday's

We all bow our heads before
praying we never repeat
that rainy day in Cheyenne

With live breathe and respect our game
but we never forget those that is took
nor the ones who got their start
in the Rodeo

Run fast
Run hard
Run anywhere your feet can take you
far, far away from this place called home

Run, run while you can
For a devilish smile
And heart of gold
Won't be there when your
Grey and old

Run fast
Run hard
Run until you can't run anymore
then run some more

and hopefully
out run dear old death there

I have a second life
Few know exist
Black and white
1s and 0s
Endless possibilities
Endless wonder
A emptiness is how it begins
Slowly the world grows
And find new life
In the stories I write

Oh time
why must you move so slowly when I don't need it
and fast when I do?
Why must the important seconds
be mere moments in life
and those I don't hold dear
are the ones you elongate all day?

You run back on my mind
My personal devil
A devil that haunts my dreams

Your touch still thrills me
The hint of your lips against mine
makes my skin go on fire

My body begs for you.
My mind pushes you away

I took yours
and made it grow

You took my heart
and shattered it

A devil that haunts my thoughts
and when you were alone
you wished to come back

not wishing to admit
you burned the only bridge

My devil
My biggest regret
And one thing that will haunt me forever

My devil
My pain

A secrete we both created
now only one carries it.

That night
My mind reminds me when I'm alone
Causing the mind to run to what if's

What if it could happen again?

My body craters your touch
You firm kisses
Your caressing hands
The soft growls you made

My nerves turn to fire
And I want to run to you
Run and not regret what happens

But in reality
Though I will never tell you
I just torture myself
For something I know
Will never happen

Even if I wish my little devil
To the memory I never forget

They were designed to help
Used for a reminder
Aid for circulation
In the thinest parts of a body

But the strap to secure
So small
Just hooks and latches
Some elastic to wrap around
It is simple and easy to use

And yet
All I can feel
Is shackles on my wrists
To remind me
How I'm not normal anymore

Cries of agony
Machines beeping
Tears flow and hearts stop

A small bit of hope
Causes relief to flood
But what might happen
If spark of hope
Change who knew

From just the employees
To the community
Would it help?
Would it fail?
And to stay unknown

Now that is the true test
Of a hidden dragon

Only time will tell
Which is best in the end
But the thought
Is all that matter
In the end

Is it not?

It was simple, really
a swift motion with a sword
A brutal hit with a hammer
My heart in pieces on the floor

I felt ignored
You left me
You refused to understand me
You broke me

Now I sit
Cutting myself on the pieces
as I gather them up
wondering if anyone

can fix my broken heart
and not break it once more?

So caring
So passionate
So perfect

A simple creature
one who will fight and die for her chosen mate
but the one who also rules underneath everyone's nose

A simple woman
Beautiful and cunning
A war-ready atomic bomb

She will hold you so close
yet destroy everything you know
should you ever cross her

A woman who knows what she wants
A woman who will always get what she wants
A woman with fire in her soul

My brain runs
Tierd of sleeping
Tierd of the pain

And yet my body
Refuses to move

Simple things
So exhausting
Yet I can't sleep
For my brain does not brain right now

Is it bad
to wish to talk
to another who does not know me?

Is that such a bad thing
To wish one voice is heard
and not drowned out in a sea of silence?

Is it so bad
to wish
to speak?

Silence
nothing dares to break it
Every breath and scream respects
the silence
the only sound
are drips hitting the floor
One after another
Crushed hope
Broken dreams
They sit alone
Alone with no one near
Dangerous thoughts plagued the mind
then the silence came once more
Nothing breaking it this time

Many tongues
Many authors
Many pens
Many inks
Many lives
Many stories
Many teachings
Many lessons

All over
one book

One simple book

Wipe your tears
   Hide your pretty face

            Maybe then they won't see
                        

                                     your such discgrace

My mind runs
While I try to calm it with a puzzle

Constantly thinking
Different scenarios play out

One I level
One I bark
One I cave
One I snap

Each one me
But in different ways

I do not wish to crush a spirt
But if it was not just one animal
Maybe I would be more understanding

Maybe if they actually cared
Maybe I could help out
Instead of snapping

Maybe
But instead
My mind runs

And I get another
Sleepless night

It started out simple
Innocent, if you will
It was cold that morning
   And the next
        And the one after that
            And the following one

"I'm cold"
"Moisture wicking"
"Keeps the sun off"
What lie shall I say today?

It started out innocently
To the untrained eyes

Now they ask
How I survive?
How can I bare the heat?
How do I not melt?

"Best foot forward
You represent now
Be mindful of your look"

Would I still look presentable
If you saw the battles
I lost against my own self
Would that show strength and courage?

Or would I be shunned once more,
For things I could not control
And memories that linger at night
Would you care if I lie once more?

It's fun
As I sit here sipping a coke
On a road middle of nowhere
Just alone on my truck
And I see the planes fly

And as they pass by
I imagine my heart
Is on one of them

For I watched it get one, once
Maybe one day I could see him again
And not have to say goodbye

Sometimes when I sit alone
I sit careful of being seen
Careful of doing something wrong
That is where I feel I belong
Belonging in the spotlight
Where everyone can view me
Everyone can criticize me
Everyone can critique me
Everyone can tell me how
Not to be me
Yet even with all those voices
All the words that circle me
I find clarity

Clarity that I am on the right path
The right path that will take me where I belong
I don't know if it will be where I want to go at times
And sometimes the voices are tempting
Tempting to take
Tempting to change myself for them
But even with all the temptation
I find myself

Even when struggling to walk
More or less crawl
I stand
I breathe my own breath
And I march
I march for every living hell I have lived in
For every little bad thing I had to endure
I march onward
To prove to everyone

Who I Am

I am a woman who will not be tested
A woman who shows kindness
And compassion to everyone
But is a killer with a pen and sword
A fiery soul that burn in the night
And able to summon the strength of a dragon

I march to fight for not only myself
But everyone who has been through any pain
Whether it be by a parent or friend or stranger
Everyone deserves the right to stand
The opportunity to march
Wounded and broken
I march for those that can not

I rather break my bones and scar my skin
If it meant that someone else
Did not have to deal with the pain
I would willingly put myself in front of danger
If the one behind me got to live

You wanted me to be independent
Taught me skills to survive
Gave me wisdom beyond my years

But when I finally break free
Your talons of the past dig in
Refusing to accept
That I have moved on

"Be a good daughter"
"Bite your tongue"
"Resepct your elders"

Each day I master the fake smiles
No one the wiser of my pain
And then you stay

Unknowingly forcing me to keep my one act play
Going on through out the night
Finally realizing

That what you yell and scream
"Not spending time with family"
Is what I always done

Hide away the pain and misery
Play the part of a happy family

Now your upset
Lash out
Just because I got free of the talons from the past

Some daughter I've become
The one holding the world
The one that everyone depends on
The one barely holding on
And all you care to see

Is all my flaws of my past
And not what I have done
Unless it makes you look good

How to love you
when everyone sees something different

How can I love you
when you torment my sleep
make the daylight painful
and every moment full of guilt

How to love you
when everyone thinks your perfect
or some how amazing

And yet
I get the sleepless nights
the constant torment
and lack of security
on things that should be certain

Would they still love you
if they saw the cracks and holes
or would they be like me

and struggle to love myself

As the day draws near
My body shivers in the night
A chill settles in despite the blankets

Soon I will be taken.
Soon my life is no more my own
Soon I will be reborn

Every tick of a clock
It only reminds me of the time left
time left before the end

End before the beginning
Begging to end

Darkness to light
With a dragon soaring high
A protector of life to come

Oh such a feeble thing
Holding life in one's hands

To watch life come in the world
And watch it leave

Such a feeble thing
Letters and words in ink

A mortal body is different
Such strange knowledge in ones mind

If only
If only I could express what this feeling is
If only I could write every thought I have
If only I could write the history I know

It would be so simply, really

Innocent questions
Lead to understanding
Favor growing
Roots deepening
East she went
To follow her duties

But when she asked you to join
You snapped and barked
Shut her down without a second thought
Your view had to be law

But the confusion grew
Why say one is a sinner
And should not be loved
When on a page it states
To love thy neighbor
And other says to love one another

If the beginning and end
Are one of the same
They why harp on simple things
Instead of following them as laws
As you state

Why must your mind be narrow
But demand other to be open about you
Isn't that counteracting
This book you hold?

Your smile is brighter
You get that look on your eye
The almost unnoticable tilts of your head

You look at peace
You look content
Almost life a breath of fresh air
Leaving your body

But the reality sets back in
The thorns of truth strangle your lungs
But that hope

That tiny hope in your eye
Still longs for that thing
You both called love

He left me
My best friend
My only
Was gone
And I was all alone
The time we shared
Seemed to become daggers
That repeatedly stabbed me over and over
My heart was shattered beyond repair
And no one ever was going to fix it
But I couldn’t dwell on him
I had a baby girl to take care of
A very violent child, but still mine
I cared for her like she was my own blood
And we all tried to teach her
To stop being angry at the world
We even went to a new school to see if that would help
But it didn’t
And they sent her away
Far away from me
Even against my wishes
I understood harming teachers was bad
But she was still my baby
And I knew she could do good with just more time
Time I didn't have
So I was alone again
Completely alone
I began to hate everyone
It was their fault I lost my daughter
Their were the ones who sent her away
So I isolated from everyone
The world seemed like a prison
And I didn’t want to talk with anyone ever again
But soon, my want for people drew out the anger I had
I started to come out again slowly
But then they tried to give me a new friend
One younger than my last
But older than my daughter
One my age
I didn’t want her
I didn’t need her
I made sure she knew that
Pushing her away every time she came close
Yelling at her for the smallest things
I started to break her spirit
Her will to try
And then it happened
I pushed her away and turned my back to her
And she froze
She didn’t try to nudge me again
Just frozen in pain
When I looked at her, I saw it
A single tear falling from her eye
And I saw the damage I had caused
The damage I caused myself
Looking in her brown eyes
I saw myself
And how broken and hurt I really was
And I broke
Truly broke
And instead of pushing me away like I did to her
She opened her arms to me
And let me cry
Just holding me until the tears ran out
And it was that moment when we understood each other
Two people hurt by others
But who didn’t want to cause harm
But create good instead
So we created good wherever we went
And even if far by distance
We are still close at heart
This is how I met my best friend
My equal
My baby
And my pain
This is how I met Soxs

Unsure what to do
Unsure where to stand
Unsure of the steps to perform

A song and dance
Should be simple
but I haven't practiced like I should

and now it's time to preform
can I make it through
can I preform the way I should?

I message an empty box
a wall almost
sometimes I receive a reply
but none are continued over a few words

Speechless
confused
frustrated

Now I wait
hoping time will let you speak
so I may know
what your plan for us is

because if I'm honest
my plan
is still us

Never trust your heart
Never trust your gut
Never trust your sight
Never trust your senses

Maybe then
I'll make everyone happy
When I'm alone instead

So many
The endless tornado in my mind
Trying to get them together
Still enough to write
Unsure what will happen
But hope that will be free
Much to do
Little time
Would it be worth it
To express all that I experienced
And all that I want?