The process begun
Concept of one

But fate and life
And small cries
Changed the motion

With ease and comfort
Pain dulled
And harsh hands turned to those of pleasure

The concept now changed
Settling for two instead of one
A spark of hope
A spark of life

A safe place to rest
After a nasty fall

The doctors tried
But we're unable to bring you off that cliff
That blue urn
Forever holding your gold flecked soul,

A quite night
Silent tears shed

Perhaps this was all the plan

One became two
Jokes about the intensity of drink begin

But in truth
Was this the plan all along
So that one is not passed over in the window?

Another night
or chaos and overthinking
Nothing new

Maybe one day we'll talk.
Maybe one day we'll meet
Maybe

one
day?

One last day
One final breath
One last moment
before chaos strikes

Im a nobody today
tomorrow everyone will know me
I just might be
The one everyone wants

One last day at being me
One last day of being a nobody
One last day
Before my life changes

Just one more
A step closer
A step away
A sleepless night
A peaceful sleep
Just one more day
I can make it one more day
It if means im closer to you
In the end

Just one more
Might hold love
Might hold fear
Might hold a gift
Might hold pain

So many possibilities
For a sleepless night

One may get none
One may get one
One may get two
Why did I get three

From none to three
Is quite a feet indeed
Many get two or more
When choice is a thing

So how did I get three
On accident

Past fears haunt me
The pain from the others is swimming on the surface
Uncertainty about actions and words
After the knives in my back
What is true and what is in a fool’s mind
Time seem to ticks by
And the silence doesn’t bring me comfort anymore
Am I being played when there is silence
Will my arms be turned away for another?
Am I not enough for one?
My mind becomes a prison.
And when the silence is broken.
It's like a courtyard I get to walk in
But then I must go back to my cell
And the fears come back
How much is true over a device
How much is hidden just behind the scenes?
These fears are the ones that haunt my dreams
As sweet as I want them
Venom always come back up
And the night becomes sleepless once more
I say nothing as my body shakes with fear and tears roll down
The hits made me expect it now
And due to the fear, they walked away
So what do I do?
Let the fear control the night once more
Or be alone once more on a cold night?

The colors spread on the canvas
Each one planed
Each one different

The brushes are a mess
and create black water as they are washed
but the canvas is different

Slowly shapes and splashes
turn into a complete image
a story through the artist's eyes

Her life is one display now
but when people ask which one she is
her answer is simple

"All of them"

When the world is in chaos
and I feel the need to end it
I take a small piece of paper
and fold

it started as a final act before the world went black
but it now developed into a habit
folding to calm the world once more

I have a collection now
of paper cranes
that saved my life

"Watch were you step"
They said with guidance
"Want to make sure you know
Where your feet are"

"Keep you head up"
The criticized with frustration
"Have to know where your going"

But will all that guidance
With all that frustration
All it did was teach me one thing to fear

Close my eyes
Arms out wide
The first step
Before I fly

She sat so peacefully
her hair slowly moving in the breeze
framing her face, so lost in thought

her pen writes words with such speed
you think they were her last
but the story had yet to be completed

At a table for one
so comfortable in her writing
and what ever world she was creating

Finally after the war in my mind was lost
and forever hung in the air on a scale
forever loving, or forever missing

I walked up
and said "Hi, may I sit?"

Strange
When your mind focus on something
scared to breath a word to anyone

but it keeps finding ways to come up
in the most random of places
form the people who trust you the most

only if they understood
only if they knew
would they still hold you close

or look at you like the monster you are?

My heart longs for you
My mind recalling the moments we shared
The sweet small kisses
the passionate touch your hands had

I shared a part of my soul with you
I gave you my world to hold
and cherish
I wanted you to keep it safe


But you dropped it
and it shattered against the floor

My world was shattered, and you ran away
leaving me to clean up the mess
you made

I do not resent you
I do not hate you
I do not wish you harm

I thank you
because I learned how to put my world back together
and I learned how to stand on my own

When I finally find the one
who will not drop my world
but instead, hold it close and keep it warm

I will tell him of you
and how you broke me
so I could be whole for him instead

I sat on the bench
Quitely Watchung
Refusing to partake in the symphony of others

A little girl came and sat next to me
Wild brown auburn hair
Deep rich brown eyes

She sat smiling as she kicked her legs
"It's nice out here today"
Her voice startling me a bit

So pippy, so energetic
I gave a her a half smile
As I pulled my sleeves down

"Yeah I guess it is" I responded as her gaze was preoccupied
"Why do you wear a jacket when it's hot?"
"I get cold easily" Same old lie once more

Her eyes found mine once more something almost familiar about them as a young woman came up

"Mind if I sit, I'm waiting on a friend?"
I moved closer to the young girl as the woman sat

Her brown hair was pulled back in a cap with hints of fire red in it
Her tanned skin showed scars fading on her arms
Maybe she worked outside and got a occasional cut here and there

We sat in silence
Just the three of us
"It's a nice day today" the little girl repeated

The woman smiled as she leaned forward to speak
Her eyes full of warmth and passion
"Aye it is little one. Great day to do the impossible."

"What's impossible?" The girl asked
"Something you never imagined you would do. And it's really scarry."
Before the little girl could respond, she got off the bench and ran off

The woman sat back and chuckled
"Children are always fascinating to talk to, full of wonder and possibilities."
I shrugged as I looked at the ground
"Hey" the woman said making me look at her
Her eyes sharp and stern but her voice calm
"I know that look, been down that road myself a few. Nothing will get better if you choose that road, but you out here means your trying to find that reason. Make it a point to take it one day at a time, and if that's too much then hour by hour or minute by minute. Break it up to find something good every single day."

I looked at the woman shocked
My hand slowly released the razor blade in my pocket
Her gaze moved off of me as I felt tears start to come

"Hhhhow" I managed in a barely audible voice
She gave me a half smile and side glance
"Not hard to know when someone is saying goodbye. We have our own scars, but don't let them become shackles to hold yourself back."

We sat in silence
Just the two of us
"Hey my friends here, but thanks for the converstation. Remember, find one good thing every day, makes the process a whole lot easier."

I watched her walk off
Leaving me alone on the bench
Silently I sat

I gazed up at the tree
Providing just enough shade to sit comfortably
And I smiled
at my one good thing that day

The desire to write is at my fingertips
my arms ache to paint
show the world what I hold in

my voice croaks to speak out
the words I swallow back

the "I miss you" that will never be heard correctly
the "I love you" that is gone
a empty grave
one must believes exist
just to live with hope

would it be too much
to ask to stand next to me once more
grant me the strength and love
I know is gone

but then again
I still love a ghost
the ghost who still lives

Is this how it ends?
One final stroke of a key
One final note sung
One final message sent
Final page of a book
Without a end

Is this how we end?
Is this how the love dies?

A thrill when together
A longing for more
The rush of adrenaline
The endless soul searching
Trying to fill upon the gaze of another

But the kind devil
And mean trickster
Have all vanished
And left the phantom in their place

A hope
A plee
But in the end it was foretold of pain
So why does it hurt when truth was shown
That you were nothing
But a ghost in my mind.....

Stroke here
Dip there
Wash over

Each placement having purpose
Each color having meaning
The design carefully crafted

To paint
To draw
To imagine

Is being able to see
More then what just
The world's sees
On the surface level

The money is gone
food is small

"Do you want more?"
"No I'm full"

leftovers become tomorrows dinner
one meal a day helps stretch the thin amount

I have nothing
but the animals looking to me for food

please don't make me say goodbye
when their time is almost gone

please don't take the one
who helps when my mind is a prison

please don't take the little ones
their finally all getting along

Please don't let this end with the tears
of goodbye

please have something give
just even a penny

just something to put food
in their mouths
and payment for shelter

I can live off the snacks
turning them into meals as my body shuts down

but please don't take my children
please don't make me say goodbye before their final breath

I should be sleeping
I should be laying down
I should be comfy
I should be doing alot of nothing

Instead
As my body started to fade
Into the blissful sleep
I thought of you
I thought of me

I thought about us


Tears poured out my eyes
Sobs gasped from aching chest
Because for a split moment
I saw you
At the end of the aisle


But you weren't standing
As I walked to you
So peaceful you looked
So precious
It looked like you were just taking
A much needed nap

And in this thought that made me fear sleep
I saw you be lowered
And placing your hat upon the casket
Before carefully pouring the dirt
And wishing you a very

Very said goodbye

Such a strange thing
Standing perfectly in Night and Light

Such a strange occurrence
on a porch at night

Seeing both the options of life
Enter in blinding light
or embrace the shadow of night?

The known
The seen
Bathed in comfort
Bathed in Light

The Unknown
Shadows hold their nightly ball
Night becomes Darkness

Ones own being torn in two
Embrace the known
or face the Unknown

where everything is challenged
but only in darkness
can the smallest lights
burn the brightest

and one finds comfort once more
in the company they hold

Bite your tongue
Hold your head up
Waist thin
Hips wide
Cheeks flushed
eyes piercing

what really classifies as beauty
when there are so many rules?

Strip me of everything
Take the meaning from life
Only then
Maybe I'll say I love you

Show me your darkest secrets
Expose yourself at my whim
Only then
Maybe I'll say I love you

It was sweet at first
A tainted well I drank
Slowly my body wasn't mine

And I looked for "love"
In all the wrong places

And believed
That a kind venom tongue
Would save me from myself

When in fact
Was the reason
I tried to **** myself

I wake up like every other day
The wall the was once filled with hope and love
now echo the screams from the night before

Each one getting worst than the previous
Not sure when this hell will end

I've already been through this once
why was I returned to crying myself to sleep every night

Why?

Eyes stare down at my actions.
Each one ready to tell me when I'm wrong
Each one another voice telling me how bad I am

I lose myself
I lose you
based on both of our actions

Promises we made
slowly fade with time
Each one now just a sore scar on the heart

This struggle will not stop
nor will it get easier

Forever in pain
Forever dying
Forever crushed
beating heart

Unknown source
but yet strong in force

You pull me
begging me to follow
Unknown where to go
you take me where you see it fit

Deeper and deeper into the mind
Images and voices swirl
You demand to be heard
even when whispering

So why will I go tonight
unknown pull?

A simple idea
Turned into a yearly tradition
A celebration unknown

All plastic
Just the preserve the concept
The vase changing every few

"Who gave you so many roses, and why are they purple?"
"I bought one every year"
"Why?"
"Cause at least someone celebrates a birthday."
"Who's?
"A old friends"


The next year
There was a real blue rose amongst the bouquet of purple

The phone is silent
The email does not ping
Nothing breaks the void

Her voice powerful
Her mind a raging fire
But her mouth stays closed

As time slips by
Tick tock
Oh look, another minute has passed

Your life is sucky
Everyone’s is
And yes, the world might be falling apart
But
It gets better
These feelings
Are just temporary
And the minor things to some
It might be a big thing to you
And you have to remember that
You're winning a battle against yourself
Even if it's small
You didn’t try to create a new scar
That’s a big deal
So never give up hope
Never give up that inner strength you have
You are better than you think
You will always be better than them
Remember that
You have an awesome family
And awesome friends
Who will be there through thick and thin for you
Because they know it will get better
And you have to remember that
We all love you
We all need you to live
For us
For what has
For what is
And for what is to come
Because yes, you can get down
But you can get up again
And run and still run again
I hope this made you feel better
When you needed it most
Stay strong
:)         <3<3<3

A fickle thing
Showing me
what I already knew

We were supposed to celebrate
We were supposed to have fun
I was supposed to let go

Instead, people avoided me
not giving me a second glance
because of how I look

I'm not short
I'm not thin
I'm not anyone's choice

But she was
able to move her hips
to catch their eyes

You can see she savors the looks
only fulling her view
despite being with another

They ask for her hand
Buy her drinks
never give me a second look

A hard truth I already knew
I'm not pretty despite being smart
and I'll never be the first choice

If I'm in the top 5
I'll be lucky perhaps
top 10 is more likely

One spoken to
when the first said no
and not thought about afterward

I will have no love
because who could love
a second thought girl?

You told me  I deserve better
You told me how much you wanted me
You made me trust you once again

And like a pendulum
You couldn't prevent the past from repeating
And now I am alone once more

Empty words
Empty promises
Just another for empty love

The roar of the crowd
only for a season

every event timed
every event judged

8 seconds
14 seconds
less then 2

all impressive in their own event
and many forget that the roar of the crowd
is only a tiny part of the lifestyle

Many hours
early mornings
late nights
working through weekends and holiday's

We all bow our heads before
praying we never repeat
that rainy day in Cheyenne

With live breathe and respect our game
but we never forget those that is took
nor the ones who got their start
in the Rodeo