You thought you were smug
filling the complaints
hoping it would be a slam dunk on my failures

you didn't realize I still had proof
or the evidence
or the gift to show your issues
without confusing my truth

So swift you came out swinging
and all you did
was ink your fate
as the villain you are

so thank you for the inspiration
where your always shown
as the monster you truly are

and the world moves from your lies
and only remember one name
mine

Monster Monster
Take down your walls
Monster Monster
Let us watch you fall

Down through the deeps
And away for everyone to see
To remind you
You don't belong indeed

Monster Monster
Backstabbed and all
Monster Monster
Please fall

She sat still as the night passed
Tears falling down to the ground
Her body a statue in the moonlight
Her mind wondering
Wondering why she must endure this pain
Wondering if she was good enough
Or was this just temporary
to prepare her for the real thing?

I lack all drive to work.

the idea to work on a simple paper
gone

My desire to listen to lectures
missing

Everything ***** passion
and leaving me hollow

How long
until I am normal again?

My little devil
He made me scream
He made me cry
He made me want to **** him
He made me want to love him
He was nothing and everything in an instant
When we were close
We came up with nicknames to tease each other with
“Alright, Bookworm,” He use to say
“Fair deal Devil” I would spout off
I never viewed him as the devil
Just my personal devil
But not the one to cause harm
The one who would protect me
The long nights we stayed up to talk
The sweet moments we share
They made my pulse race
And cause me to wish they never existed
My own devil
My protector
But mine
For a moment in time, he was mine
And I was his
And everything was perfect
But the moment shattered
And my devil turned on me
I wasn’t scarred
I was calm
As my devil looked at me with
His bloodthirsty eyes
I stayed silent as he roared in my face
But I just smiled
Through the tears that formed
And my heartbreaking
And I reached out one last time
And patted my devil on the head
He shrunk back to the man I saw
And he became something more special
That no one can match
He was once my devil that I kept around
And now he is my little devil
Who reminds me of good times
And it still makes me cry at night
Or with the tune of a box
My own little devil that haunts my dreams
And steals my sleep
It makes my mind wander
And think “What if”
No one sees him
But I know he is there
My little devil
Who will never leave my heart

I was once innocent
Pure hearted
Kind at all costs

Innocent till I was alone

Alone they made me
I was a poison everyone hid from
A poison that only hurt myself

A poison that planted a seed

A new environment soon came.
And for once I could make friends
Friends who didn't run away from the sight of me

Yet the seed was growing.

A new environment with friends was a first
First time I wasn't an outsider
That I finally had a place in this world

But the sprout finally emerged from the soil.

Pain filled my memories.
Growing with uncertainty
Friends not able to understand how much I was hurting

Blood watering the plant

I screamed silently
I begged for help
trying to find reason in my upside-down life

The plant only growing more with every drop.

I wanted to be told I was insane
That this was just a bad dream
and I would awake from this nightmare

But the plant started to strangle me.

My secrets came spilling out before my eyes
This is just a nightmare, I thought
A nightmare and nothing more

The plant tightening its hold on me

Then I was alone
Alone with my thoughts
and trying to escape the self-created prison

The plant loosened me enough to breathe.

A new environment
Trying new things
People understanding what I was going through

The plant slowly weakening.

I thought I was better.
I thought the nightmare was over.
I thought I was free.

The plant quickly suffocated me once more

.I screamed for help
I begged people to see the damage I was enduring
I prayed, but no one came

The plant slowly killing me with every second I couldn't breathe.

I was fighting a war
that everyone saw
but no one wanted to help

Every drip of blood fueling the plant more.

Was I too far gone
I thought
or would I set the example of what not to do

The plant draining every bit of life I had



my vision went blurry
and all I saw was the plant I created years ago
slowly winning its fight with me




"One last breath"
the plant hissed
"one last breath"



As I felt my body giving up
slowly growing numb to the pain
the plant started to die

Leaves wilted
Stacks grew limp
and the remains of my plant buried me

I crawled from the remains.
watching as the blood that once gave it strength
gave birth to a fire at its core

A fire that burned everything it touched
everything turning to ashes
burning bright in the night sky



Soon my fire ate its self to death.
but I was not cold anymore
I did not need its protection





I was finally free
free from the plant I created
free from the fire I made
free from myself

Cutter
Depressed
Suicidal
Self harmer

Titles
Names I have been fighting

So does it mater
With all the work I put in
Not to grab a blade
Not to just give up

When all you look at
Are the scars fading
Of a moment of weakness I had?

One and two
Three and four
count the steps
count them more

Follow the path
of unknown traveled
let it guide
where all roads travel

five and six
seven and eight
step by step
come on now

nine and ten
maybe then
this circus act
can end

Follow the North Star
All night into the morning
straight to make believe
where forever is a time
and death is unheard

Follow the North Star
among the moons and stars
fly with the birds in the night
Straight to relaxation
Straight to freedom

Follow the North Star
simple and easy
close your eyes
and breath in deeply
fly among the stars
to Neverland

Its finally back
That spark I feel
when creativity sparks
Everything at my fingertips
My brain constantly thinking
I finally feel comfortable living
with my characters once more
The carvings come to life
And everyone praises me

And even though I have a brand new light bulb
Why do I feel
completely encased
in darkness
once more?

A strange feeling
One I never thought existed
To be living
two lives

One running to the point of collapse
The other
myself

Who am I?
Everything feels off
out of place

uncertain of what was
so
who am I now?

So swift you slither
So sweet you wait
So caring you chase my dreams away

Awaking me in a rush
my mind was in complete chaos
until I realized it was just a dream

Just something simple
that makes me stay awake
for fear of what you will show

darkest parts of my mind
swift and simple action
maybe one day, I will get sleep once more

They come
In the dead of night
When everyone is asleep
They don't **** any more
Well, not the way they used too
They keep me up at night
Make me scared of sleep
Only thing that helps me
Is someone I can't see
I can’t say how this is affecting me
The one person I told
I thought I was crazy
So I basically learned
I can’t tell anyone
How I don’t sleep at night
I lay in fear of them
And I shouldn’t
But I do
These things so simple
Yet make it to where I can’t sleep
These demons
Please don’t **** me anymore
But they made me scared of the dark
For a while, at least...

"Get a job" they said
"You'll be fine" they said
"Just get use to it" they said

I sit wide awake
While everyone sleeps
Unsure what to do at this hour
My brain is tired
But yet refuses to sleep
Due to needing to be awake at the site

New schedules soon
Hopefully this will help
My sleepless nights

She believed that lie
that no one loved her but family
that everyone else was being nice
but didn't care

She believed that lie
when her boyfriend said "I love you"
for the first time
he was just being nice with her fragile heart

With a final breathe
she believed that lie
that no one cared
they were just being nice

But the line to view her
the silent screams
the aching hearts
and glass tears

those weren't a lie

They honored her like she was a hero
one who went to war over seas
when the battle she loss
was much closer to home

She believed the lie
when people said
"Oh you must have many friends"
"I don't have any friends, everyone is nice
but no one is my friend"

A simple life
A life full of joy
But sadly that in not one
to be uptained

The flashes
The downhill spirals
The constant fights
The constant pain

Why am I different
Can I be normal
just for one day???



"Your different like me? You understand what its like to be, different?"

Your poison corrupts minds
Steals the little bit of time
Controls and dictates what can be done

Your venom tongue in every mouth
Your cold embrace looming over
The empty promise you swear is full

The minds so young
Forever young
The impact far and wide

The town mourning
Two hearts shattered
And a fur babies job much harder

Deeper your pull gets
Stripping flesh and bone
Only the red remains

I remember being there
Being the same age
And now I cry just the same

For the pain to go away

Your dark smile
Your cold eyes
The souls to hold
Cry out in agony and sorrow

You try to best
To hide the flaws
Your bones show
The cracks time create

None the wiser of the deal you made
An enteral life
Full of sorrow and pain
Full of broken hearts
A simple deal
To be with the one
Who took your heart

Time forgot their name
A whisper in the wind
A melody in the leaves
A voice upon the birds

Time is not cruel
For each crack you develop
New life begins

You can try to hide your past
Hide your honest self

But one day
That light you hold so close
Won't be a single candle flame
Anymore

I see you
I see a life full of love
I see a life full of passion
I see a life full of possibilities

but at the same time
I see you
I see a life full of pain
I see a life full of torment
I see a life full of anger
and rage
and frustration
and ignorance
and pure hatred

so all I ask is
is this simple question

that night under the stars

was it passion you had
full admiration
full of hope
full of possibilities

or was it lust that made you look at my body
lips savoring the taste of skin
moans bringing joy to your ears
your eyes longing to see vunerablitliy

So which was it, Trickster?

Should you come to my door
Knock so sweetly
With ice on your fingertips

I would be obligated
To let you take my hand
And lead me away

Perhaps then I would understand
They sleepless nights I've been having
That haunt the days I live

Her beauty was simple
No makeup to change her features
No fancy clothes to expose her figure
Just her
As she was made

When storms came
And others ran for shelter
She ran into it
And danced in the rain

Her laughter was a drug
Yet to be invented
But so intoxicating
That is was quickly addictive

Her kind hands could hold a wounded animal
Nurse it back to health
And defend those she stood to protect

Pen and book in hand
She made the world bow down to her
Demanding it listen
As she spoke

But her smile
The glint in her eyes that could mistaken for a dimond or precious stone
The way she could hold her hand up
So proud of what she accomplished

Her smile
Is the one thing she will be remembered by

So when you think of her
Think of the woman who laughted at fear
Rode danger like it was a wild beast
Tamed those who could not be tamed
And loved with a ever lasting love

But most importantly
Remember her smile
And how she glowed when she showed it off

I can sit here
trying to find every good thing
Trying to count my blessings

but yet all I want to
is nothing
no breathing
no thinking
no heat beating
just nothing

Despite life telling me no
I still have hope
I hope your going to get better
hope we won't have to let you go

Please pull through
or pass quickly
no one wishes to see you in pain

and I want to do
is just give up
as well

please stop holding on for her
she'll be ok
I've always made sure
despite my heart breaking as well

It doesn't feel real
It just feels like a dream
A very vivid dream

One where the world stood still
One where everything was perfect
One where I knew I was safe

I know it was real
Those hours into the night
That changed into morning

But why do they feel fake
Or like I just had a dream?
A very amazing dream

My mind torn
One wanting more
And nothing at all

Confused where to stand
But that night
That dream

Perhaps I'll know later
Later when everything else makes sense
Later when I'm not trying to remember every little detail

Later when I do not feel it a dream

So careful you walk
Up above the white clouds
Dance on your tightrope

Your wings
So beautiful
So elegant

Swift you fly
Up above heaven filled sky
Along with winds we hear

Do you ever
Miss the ground
Or the ones who walk it?

Oh silly me
for falling in love

Oh silly me
for thinking it would be possible

Oh silly me
For falling for you

Simple and sweet
**** and dangerous

Yet I care
Oh silly me

Demon of death
Demon of heartache
Demon of pain
Demon of loss

You follow me everywhere
Standing right out of sight
Mimicking my every step
Watching, waiting

Your small actions
Cause major repercussions
So if you come for me
Make it swift and sweet then

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you
But the sugar bowls empty
Your wrists are stained red
From crimson the flowers bloomed
And a silver blade took your breath
The Roses and dead
The violets too
There is no more sugar
And no more you

My little devil
So kind your hands
So warm your heart
So sweet your words

But though I can see a future
A wonderful amazing life
And beautiful children

You only focus on my flaws
The edges that cut you
The parts that fight you

I try to see your point of view
But it feels as though
You never give back what I give onto you

So sweet
So caring
So devilish

Harsh with words
Brutal with actions
And break me any chance you can

So I must ask
The time we spent
The glimps of my life you saw
The vulnerability I gave to you

Was it all for something
Or were you just wearing a mask
To see how much you could trick me instead?

To see your creation
get denied its life

oh the frustration
of not knowing will happen
of the uncertainty of tomorrow

Oh the terror
my body is in
but I remind myself

this is just another, no
so now
watch me as I do what I want

Simple words
effective meaning
such beauty
so easy

that would be a dream
type
speak
let loose all the words I believe
let them go
out into the world

for all to see
for all to love
for all to criticize
for all
to see me

It started off innocently
Me trying to prove a point
Where there was none to be made
"Just play along, see what he does"
I was suppose to get clarity

Clarity on life
Clarity on feelings
Clarity on me

But this game has evolved
Where I now face a new opponent
One I don't wish to play

'Play along, see what she'll do'
Am I that skilled
That I can fool the one
I've been with my whole life

Or am.i that broken
That I wish to make a copy of myself
Where no one would miss me
And life continued as it is

But then I could finally
Let go of the hesitation
And finally have a silent mind
Once again?