Endless thoughts
Racing through a still body

The fear
The anxiety
Why is it
STILL HAPPENING

The torment
The pain
JUST LET IT END

The acceptance
The plotting
Yeah that will calm the head



Doomscrolling
And the carefully built wall
Cracks and breaks
Majority down
The building still stands

A random thought
Turned into fear of unknown
A possibility
Crushed under a shoe
Of what was to be expected

Two eyes now watch
From the desk it sits
The trash so close
But the hope still there
Crushed but not enough to trash

A shoulder throbs
Wrist sprained
But it was gonna be worth it
It would be worth it in the end, right?

Calm music
As a heart races
Tears flowing
And silent screams echoing in the empty room

I should be fine
But all I want
Is for the clock to turn back

Turn back when I was safe
Turn back when he was mine
Turn back
When I could finally break with someone

It wasn't the duck
No these scars run much deeper
The duck just floated down the stream
In the hurricane that followed

To admit I don't like the company
that I like the way I have things
The i don't want to share
That I don't agree
That I have problems
that I want help
that I want to love
that I need support
that I am tired
that I need sleep
that I still long for you

oh it would be easy to say everything i feel
but instead
all you hear is the silence a still mouth makes.

I use to worry about the next day
I use to worry about my grades
I use to worry about my friends
I use to worry about the scars on my arms
I use to worry about graduating
I use to worry that no one would love me

Now
My skin is a mess
My job chaos
And my mind in pieces

When did I go from worring about life
To being the punching bag?

A story plot
Would take up hours of my time
Line by line
Page after page
My flow was never ending
And one was even hundred plus

But now
A few paragraphs is difficult
The drive I once had
Feels forced instead of natural
I use to write
To escape reality
Now it feels every my stories
Have once again
Become prison cells

It was right there
A sweet taste of happiness
I got my creative spark back
Finally able to complete projects
But I guess I burned too bright
To much for my candle to handle
The nightmare returned
The sleepless nights
My mind in reverse of everyone else

But so quickly is that spark of energy
Drowned by a secret heavy weight I carry

I just want to wish this all a dream
A dream
I can wake from...

I was getting better
I promise I was...

"I don't care that you loved me"
"I don't care that I fell in love with you"
"I don't care anymore how you feel"

But I still cared
I still cared about you
about us

and that my fault
is that I cared too much
that I loved to hard

for you to leave me
like you promised
you would never do

The music plays
Her body moves
All eyes on her

The attention drives her.
Lust her second name
Her conquests being across all.

Each one thrills her for the night
but leaves her cold in the morning
Her heart aching silently

The prison she created
It keeps her heart protected
but leaves her money as revenge

A man knocked down her walls
understood her pain
Warmed her in the morning

Life being vengeful
killed the man she loved
her passion dying with him

The attention now is her poison
as she lets men have her body
but her heart cold and alone

Once more

Just push a little bit harder
Just stay a little bit longer
Just work a little bit harder
Just breathe a little bit deeper

Just sit for a little bit longer
Just stay still for a little bit more
Calm your nerves
Get ready for the push

Just a little bit now
Just wait
till the gates open
and the trumpet calls

One, two, three
NOW
run, run fast and run hard
Run like your life is on the line
Just a little bit more
Just last a little bit more

Don't let them see the tears
Bite the lip
change the emotional to physical
Perhaps the taste of blood
might shock my system awake
or pull it further down

Just one more moment
Keep your eyes down
just incase the form
maybe no one will notice

maybe no one will notice you
and the pain you carry
when you walk through the building

Hide it with a smile
a tilt of the head
get them away
from the broken mess
you're about to become

Slowly you'll fade
Slowly I'll skew your memories
Slowly everything will be as it was

Distance between us
Awkward silence when were near
And the knowledge that we are strangers once more

Your creator got her way
but broke two hearts instead of one
So swift, so sweet, so ruthless

Now I will lay my head to sleep
Holding you in my memory
forevermore

until leaves near die
and the sun always shines
I wish you the best

so I kiss my hand
and blow you a kiss
a farewell my little devil

Repetition of those before us
A guide to what will come
So pure and beautiful
Yet can be callous and harsh
A simple thing
So small in the world
But can change it
Even still
An echo of past
An echo of the present
An echo of time itself
Simple yet powerful

Life is but an echo


So what is your echo?

I thought seeing a copy
was just one instance
but it is happening again
makes me wonder
if this is lifes way
to show me
the people I used to know
are doing well in another life
that their happy
with what has happened
as I never see them again

Oh, to be able to say
you know a person perfectly
and you've just met
oh what a gift
oh what a curse
to stay
silent

Its funny
how we can take something small
and make it huge

or take ones inncident
and make it our story
skewing to what we wish

oh simple life
so simple to pressure
one way or another

Last night was full of pain
the agony of pulled ligaments
broken bone
social battery dead
Accepting that the fail would happen

Early rise
hope in the air
body still healing
but just numb to the pain
Fill the tank
grab a bite
only a $1 left in the account
till next week

The road long
traffic hell
the misty sprinkles
making me aware

Read to keep the mind at bay
Count down the time
act like nothing is wrong
despite the eyes

Put on the mask
same as before
"Hi how are you"
"No thank you, have a good day"
The environment still

but smiles and laughs soon filled the air
Getting a glimpse at what once was
filled the heart with hope
of finding it again

Walk out smiling
happy and fun
not admitting the prayers
that this could be the one

Body exhausted
Lack of food and sleep
sleep the day away
then the nightmares will stay at bay

A single call
clarification on already determined decisions
"We pick you, can you do it?"
Joy beyond compression
the body unsure what to do
after being numb for so long

Is this really happening
is this a dream
has the skipping meals
late bills
and fear of going under

finally found the light at the end of the tunnel?

I sit perfectly still
my smile perfect
as everyone looks at me

But when I am alone
I break
and speak words no one will hear
not because they do not care
but because I do not worry them

I sit and let silent words hit the floor
each the fear of broken trust
because some
don't
listen.....

It was a fluke we spoke
At least that is what you thought
But the outcome was never your choice to make

A chance I took weeks prior
A day I hold close
A day where I went back to the beginning of my pain

I spent a hour alone
Looking at the carved stone
And having you on my mind

Part of me wanted to jump in your car
And have another fling
Part of me wanted to run far far away

But I sat and ate
Counting down the hour I gave
And thinking

A secret I hold close
A secret I made
A secret I will take to my grave

I thought about telling you
But the pain of realization
Might have tainted your view of us

So I swallowed my fear
And walk with my demon in hand
Never to leave it again

But yet I was still kind
Letting your heart pour out like a river
Only too keep you away

Though my heart sang once for you
It no longer does
Just as a bird will not fly back into a cage

I hope you read this
Understand the meaning
Learn the mark you have left on my heart

A voice no longer I hear
A devil I no longer fear
A secret to the grave

Find peace
My little demon
And let the light shine once again

My little demon
Look how much you've changed
You've finally started to grow

But your roots are buried in the past
Holding tight on memories
that are slowly fading

In your cold cave
you sit and cry
longing for a past that will never come

A past where you were loved
A past where you were happy
A past where you chased me away

Snappy demon
Angry demon
Resentful demon

All names for you
labels others gave you
but I didn't

My little demon
forever in my heart
no matter what you think

But the time for crying is over
Now you must walk
walk away from me

It's time to let me go
My little demon who haunts my dreams
I will never forget you

Take my teachings and learn to live
Stop being stuck in limbo
For your sake, please

let me go
so you can live

So young
So bright

Little sis
So smart
So little

Little sis
So sad
So confused

Little sis
So scarred
So abused

Little sis
Big sis is here
To protect you now

Little sis
Put down the knife
Please

I got you now
It's going to be ok

I stay awake
Thinking of one
While another sleeps

Longing to feel wanted
Wishing to be held once more
Wanting to remember
What it ment to be safe

I lay awake
Unable to sleep
Creating false realities
Just to help me feel

Perhaps another level
Or another page
Might help in this
Long night ahead

One day I will find you
One day you will find me
One day

but that day is not now
nor is it tomorrow
or the day after

One day
maybe
I will find love

It's coming to a new year
a new year with you

We have a few hours left
but I can see you're already ready for bed

When time comes
I know it will a long night

I fear how you will handle the sounds
but I know you will be alright

A new year
A new home

A perfect home
A forever home

Maybe today will be good
Maybe today something will change
Maybe
Just maybe

Holiday cheer
Celebrations all around
Everyone buzzing
With a feeling and warmth

A first Christmas here
A first for a pup at work
A first, to be last

The year tough
Money tight
Penny pinching to survive

And now you still expect
Me to give a gift
When I barely afford food?
And for what
Because you say so?

Yeah theres holiday cheer
But the actual reason
You might have forgotten

So tell me again what were celebrating

Is it a thanks for being here,
Or the monetary gifts your looking for?

As my time draws near
I sit and think of the past
trying to make peace with it all

Unsaid words plagued my mind
The fear of never being able to
made me reach out one last time

Now here we are
playing a game of chance and limbo

unsure what to do next
after our hearts poured out for one another

a simple game
a simple dance
a story left unfinished

will this be the end to my story
or is it just another chapter altogether?

The bed is still
The room cold
Everything asleep
But the mind
Who longs for another

I sit
looking around at the mess I have made
unsure where to start

My life is unraveling
complete chaos
and not enough time

not enough time
for myself....

So can I find the reasons
to make it through the night?

Though we rarely talk
I feel you near

I understand the gifts I sent
are probably the few that spark imagination
and bring back the tiny Christmas spirit

However, I look at my tree
thousands of miles from yours
and I know there is nothing from you

no present or gift with your name
nothing to show you were here

But I am not sad
because even though I do not know where I stand with you
I know where you stand with me

and even there is no present from you
I smile and look to the sky
Wishing for you to be here

Longing for you to be near
and ultimately
just missing you here with me