When everything I knew comes crashing down
When every night I can't sleep
When I want to burn and shred my skin off
When it feels like I'm a human voodoo doll
when I shut down
When my mind wont have any motivation
When my past decides to come beat me up again
When I believe the lies I tell myself
When I run from everything that is good
When I let others abuse and use me, just so I'm not alone
When I let the dark thoughts win for a moment or two
When I just want to sit and cry
When I want to put down my armor

How can I tell you
everything wrong with me
and still expect you to believe me
when I say
"I'm fine?"

How can I control the winds
Or the rays of the sun
Or the crashes of the sea
To ensure you'll be safe

You've gone through so much
More then I can imagine
But I know the war isn't over yet
But how can I help

God why her
She's 13
Let her be a child
And not deal with all of this

Just let her be a child
Give me her pain
If she can stay a child
For just a little bit more

Drown out the thoughts
Blow the speakers
Damage your longterm
For temporary sensation

To stay sane

Small and simple
and yet what my heart craves
to finally have a home

I would shout it from rooftops.
Pay to have it written in the sky
Carve it in stone

Would you do the same?

Would you move the mountain if I asked
part the seas to let me walk
tame the wildest beast for me to pet

Would you?

I will smile when I think of you
The idea fueling my hearts fire
and your name the last upon my lips

Would I be yours?

A home
A sanctuary
A outgrove hidden from the world

Would you think of me the same?

I will choose you till time stops
No matter where you are
Will you choose me, too?

Your body tensed
your mind confused
something we haven't done
something that was almost failure

But at the last attempt
you stayed
letting me climb
letting me slide on

the old familiar pace
Balancing as you moved
trying to figure out the weight

happiness bursting at the seems
of a moment I thought would never happen
I could feel you smile

With a attempt of control
in a open field with a mare you bow to
fear took hold
and you bolted

some how still aware of me
and the dangers around
trying to bring me to safety

but muscle memory failed
my mind confused
and in one sharp turn
I fell

but through the pain I felt
assesing if a bone broke or not
I was happy

and even though you thought you were at fault
and the boss stood between us
when I put my hand on your skin
you calmed
understanding it was not your fault

but a start of a new chapter
no mater how long it is
we were a team once more

My sweet little devil
you've learned how to care
how to thrive
how to love
and you have it in your mind
that you wish to come
but would you still feel the same
if you understood why I dread it?
why I want it to both happen and not at the same time
a internal torment of my mind
over my simple regret

if you only understood how deep
this action goes
if you only remembered who was involved
if you only remembered how you stopped me
from making a terrible mistake

simple and swift
a request of a job
you refused
not because of the target
but of the payment











being me...

Master of Strategy
You see moves before I can even think of them
a simple game of chess

but though you used to proclaim your skill
you still have no idea how simple it is
to play you

you studied the board
I studied you
strange questions
only make my heart shatter

perhaps one day, I will relieve the guide
one day I will remove this curtain I have you behind
One day





When I see you again

When he draws his last breath
when his body grows cold
when his fur is no longer soft

I got you

I'll keep him safe tonight
I'll stay up with him
remind him he is loved so much

And though he wishes not to lay with you
I'll stay with him
and I wont leave his side

He'll be ok
we can say goodbye to Miracle

So tonight I'll cry all my tears
So I can hold it together
for you tomorrow

Cause I have
I have mom
we'll make it through this
together

I'm scared of my feelings
I'm scared of how to think
I'm scared of your anger
I'm scared of my venom tongue
I'm scared of our parents
I'm scared of you leaving
I'm scared of your touch
I'm scared of my mind
I'm scared of coming close to that line
I'm scared of crossing that line
I'm scared of never healing
I'm scared of being two faced
I'm scared of your view changing
I'm scared of the unknown
Endless possibilities of what could happen


But all you heard was
"I'm scared."

They once were small in numbers
Now they rise more and more

Simple like you and me
Deadly alone

They blend in so easily
Invisible at first glance

Shadows are where they lay
Hiding the blood on their fangs

I should not be crying every night
I should not hate my body despite what people tell me
I should not let my thoughts tell me I'm worthless
I should not want what I can't have
I should not want
you...

Your smile
Your laugh
Your voice

I miss it

I should not be this broken.....

Not at this age
Have I really lived
all life has to give
so soon?

For once

To be chosen
To be the first thought someone's has
And there last
To be picked for every event
Every gathering
Every laugh
And every cry

For once
The words "forever and always"
To mean what they are defined
And not just "for now"

For once
To be held until my tears stop
And to be still told
How beautiful my face is
Despite the tears and snot

For once
I want a friend
Who will always check on me
Make me laugh till I cry
Join me on crazy afternoons
And make sure I know how much good is in the world

For once
I just want to be chosen
To be loved unconditionally
And have a safe place to go when I fall

For once
I want something to last


Is that too much to ask?

Fights
Screams
silence

all fill the air

The air
shoving me away from everyone
making it clear
I don't belong

If that is true
then why
do I still try to fit in?

When the night is cold
And I'm all alone

I remember that night we shared
Under the stars

Our bodies begging
Our minds clouded and clear at the same time

I remember how I looked at you
Truly saw you
And I smiled

I smiled as I pulled you close
Wishing it was more
Despite every nerve in my body
Terrified of what could happen next

I remember that night
So vivid
So clouded

And yet despite the non existent communication
I still think of you
And wish you were mine

Please don't wish me good night
Please don't wake up and message
Please don't send me funny pictures in the middle of the day
Please, don't

No need for blurred lines
No need for pain
I've already done enough
To blame for this game

Please don't smile when you think of me
Please don't hope for more
Please don't whisper my name
When your at the store

Please
Just don't
It's best this way
Distance to restablish lines
We carelessly over looked

Don't cry for me
Or smile at my thought
Please for me
Just leave it alone

It's best this way
Despite what some might say
It's best this way
Despite the pain it causes

Take the breath
lay down your head
despite the tears I shed
Just relax
Your going to be ok
in a place with no pain
And when you see me above
and you see the held back scream
do not feel bad
or try to comfort me
for even though I shed the tears
I know your not in pain
and that is most important
is you being free
once and for all

It would be so easy to give up
let the blade slide across my skin
watch the blood pour out
let my final breath leave my body

it would be so easy

but the aftermath
the pain
the damage my own actions would cause

it would be easy to give up
but I don't no mater how much I want to

I don't because of those who care about me
and the guilt I would feel
if I hurt them
like the world has hurt me

It would be so easy
but life isn't easy......

I want to shout
To scream
To cry
I want the emotions
Everyone else feels
I want to reach out
Feel the regret
Watch my heart shatter
I want to feel something
Anything
PLEASE LET ME FEEL SOMETHING


Even if it's pain.....
At least then
I would know
I'm still alive........................