9 years later
Your name still comes across my lips
9 years later
The small fights we had feel like yesterday
9 years later
I'm stoll looking for what we had

And though I know
It will never happen again
I still look for that fire

Not a spark or light
No the flame that burned my heart
And taught me how to warm a home

9 years later
I still recall that name you wished for a child
9 years later
I still think of you
9 years later
I hope your happy with with your wife

Again I sit here
Typing for nothing
Nothing but useless words
From a useless person
Nothing special anymore
Music doesn’t help like it use too
But the feelings are still there
The comments being told
Even though so old
They still hurt
No new scabs to pick at
Just scars
All smooth
Nothing rough
And cant make new ones
Without people noticing
Fights
And screams
Fill the head
The demons came back
The tears sneak out
Through shut eyes
And no one knows
Or if they do
They don’t say
Feeling alone
Scarred of the world again
And no one to lean on
No
Just
Scared to
Scared of judgment again
Scared of teasing
Scared of being forced places
I didn’t want to go
And worse of all
The confusion of why I feel this way
Why I feel this way
Why I feel this worthless
Why I feel pathetic
Why I want to disappear
Why I want to die
Why
Why do I feel this way
Why is this me
Why?

They're just black and white
Letters and words
1's and 0's of code

Some are my own
Some I helped
While others I find

I reflect on these
Imaging a world
Different then my own

Such a strange thing indeed
To long for a sensation
That I have never felt

Almost I found the courage
To tell you my regret
To tell you why
No one can ever touch me again

Would you hate me
For not telling you sooner
For being a coward
Despite having every opportunity possible

Would you hate the memories
As they all went skewed
Wondering if your lust
Was damaging instead of pleasing

Would you be mad at him
A boy who hurt me
That I have no contact with

I was almost brave
I almost formed the words
But when I tried to process it
I went back to that phone call
That cold, cold November
The request I made

I wished to make my abuser happy
Even at my own cost
How silly was I
How silly and young
Holding my life in my hands

I’m alone
Alone with my thoughts
The bad thoughts
The ones that hurt me
They come at night
They hunt me
When I feel ok
They take my happiness
And leave me with pain
And it comes out on my skin
A red trail
Down my limb
Think red blood
Coming from a single cut
One slice and it's over
But I fight
I fight for a losing cause
I didn’t want them to return
But they did
And now
It’s a fight for my life
Every night
When I’m alone
The thoughts eat away at me
They **** me from the inside out
Slowly
Suggesting the blade
Over and over and over again
“Take it,” they whisper
“Take it, and it is fine.”
I don't want to
I don't want to pick it up
I don’t
But I’m alone
And who would stop me
Would it be something they would want to change if they could
Or would they let me sit there
And fall asleep
No one knowing
Till its too late
“Save me,” I cry
“Someone SAVE ME”
They laugh
They mock me
“Who would save you, apathetic, needy child.”
Until one night
The fight is too much
And they win
One slice is it all it took
But to make sure
There was two
Long thin cuts
And I fell asleep
For good
No one heard me
No saved me
I was alone with my thought
Alone and scarred
And soon was overpowered by the darkness.

A new passion
A new concept
The lives once dulled
Now lift and fly off the pages

Creativity at my fingertips
and despite the fear of the unknown
I am genuinely content for now

I sit and scribble
pencil on paper
notes that will be used
once

I sit annoyed at the screen
frustrated the end can't come fast enough
but yet I also want it slow
slow for my others
time to let me enjoy the few moments I have left to cherish
and to finish projects, I have yet to begin

So I sit and write
complete chicken scratch only I can read
as I count down
till the last one comes

It shoots through the sky
Above whats suppose to be normal
Making me unable to focus

I sit
I wait
I shake

Each second passing
makes it rise
Victim and Preditor
once more together

How long
until the victim is freed?
How much torture is needed
to see my pain?

So many applications
So many opportunities
so many no's

why must it be hard
to find my place
in this thing called life
when I keep getting a "no"?

Looks would normally take this title
However
I find it else where

When alone
Surrounded by nature
Flowers blooming
Trees standing tall
Leaves russelling against one another

The soft breeze on my face
The warm sun on my back
A reminder of the unspoken words
That if you listen close
You still hear the words in the wind

The voices of those we miss
Reminders they are still here
No mater how much time has passed

To me
To be at peace
And with family and friends new and old
This is beauty
The hidden beauty most forgot now

I started my own company
I wrote a book
I got a dog who helps everyday
I moved out on my own
I have a really good job

But despite that I still miss you
Even though I'm grateful I agreed
That October morning
I do sometimes wonder
How life would change

If we never split at all?

You beheaded me
stole the life from my body
a simple term
a simple action
so swift
and so brutal

I have one month
One month of finances
one month to live
one month

You knew I was struggling
You knew I was in pain
yet it didn't matter
in your game

So simple
so swift
so brutal
You cut me once more

Your words are sweet
The thoughts make my heart race
Your voice still echos in my mind

But yet when I look back
Reread our messages
Guilt sets in

Not because of you
But where the fire once burned
The empty sparks fizzle out

Maybe it's me
Maybe it's you
Maybe we're just not ment to be

"It's a mystery
Oh and ain't life a trip,
no, it don't get better than this"

From the start
Our path has been set out
Unknown the destination

Rollercoaster ride
we all hold on to
Never stopping

Some are slow and bumpy.
Some are looped and extreme.
Mine just doesn't stop.

Life is crazy
and through the pain and love
it can only get
better than this.

Harsh and Evil
Cold and distant
Never allowing anyone to get close
Fear of pain once more
Love broke the walls
And helped shelter the heart
Soon blankets became metal
and a cage was formed around it once more
Leaving it cold and alone
Once again

Take it in
hold
release

take it in
hold
the anger builds
release

take it in
hold
scream a soundless scream
release

take it in
hold
accept the truth and fight back
release

take it in
hold
lash out in frustration
release

take it in
hold
wait
2
3
release with everything

until your completely empty
to start breathing again

Finally free
of the chains that bound me
and tried to force me
to be the perfect person

Act a certain way
Be a certain person
never be yourself

I broke free of their grasp
finally able to breath once again
and onto new things from here

Can you call it love
when you never met a person?

Can you see what love is
when it is miles away?

Is the heartache real
or just a figment of imagination?

Will the pain ever fade away
when you still question if they were real?

Or were you played
a sick game, one more?

I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice
The slight lisp you have
and how it made my heart flutter

But this time is different.
I couldn't let my heart soar as it had before
I had to keep it locked up

Locked up from the damage you did
Locked up from years of torment
Locked up
from you

I trusted you, and you broke it
a simple action made me question everything

but now we talk
small conversations
but still conversations I had begged for previously

I want you to be happy
but I am slowly understanding




That it will never be with me..........

Your voice smooth and sweet
You words ones I wish to trust
But others have made that impossible
And yet I still get a little hope
And the thought of seeing another face

But would your stay still be the same
If I finally spoke the truth
Could you ber to look at me
Or would you throw me out
For hiding it for so long

Would you be upset I asked about it
Or would the fragmented memories
Finally click into place
And you understood why I jump
Why my heart races
And fear sets softly in my eyes
Despite my body wishing you close

"You're so mature for your age"
I have to care for my parent and make sure she safe

"You're so responsible"
I have to make sure my parent eats before she gets sick

"Your hearing is amazing"
I listen carefully before walking into a room

"You are so happy to be around"
I don't want others to feel unwanted

"You have such good grades"
They yelled if I didn't do well enough

"Your parents must be rich if you have that much money"
I save the money they give me for lunch instead of eating

"how did you become such a good listener"
I had to listen to them vent about each other

"you always have the greatest ideas"
My ideas only mattered when there was no one else

"Your always up and there for me"
I stayed up listening to fighting and shouts

Now I am a adult trying to navigate life
But back then
I was just a kid

A light that was once gone
Now burned bright once again
Hope and dreams filled the flame
Each one hope for what could come
but soon, the hope stopped filing the fire
and the flame grew weak
smaller and smaller the light became
Until just the embers remain
Now a choice
light it once more
or let the love burn up?