Just one more
A step closer
A step away
A sleepless night
A peaceful sleep
Just one more day
I can make it one more day
It if means im closer to you
In the end

It was right there
A sweet taste of happiness
I got my creative spark back
Finally able to complete projects
But I guess I burned too bright
To much for my candle to handle
The nightmare returned
The sleepless nights
My mind in reverse of everyone else

But so quickly is that spark of energy
Drowned by a secret heavy weight I carry

I just want to wish this all a dream
A dream
I can wake from...

I was getting better
I promise I was...

So simple in definition
and taught that everyone's mater
but then why are mine ignored?

Did I do something wrong?
Did I misbehave?
Did I not walk the tightrope correctly?

Pushed aside by my own blood
Pushed to the ground by a friend
Pushed to stay by a lover

Everyone's feelings matter
but then why do you overlook
mine?

It shoots through the sky
Above whats suppose to be normal
Making me unable to focus

I sit
I wait
I shake

Each second passing
makes it rise
Victim and Preditor
once more together

How long
until the victim is freed?
How much torture is needed
to see my pain?

Wipe your tears
   Hide your pretty face

            Maybe then they won't see
                        

                                     your such discgrace

As the day draws near
My body shivers in the night
A chill settles in despite the blankets

Soon I will be taken.
Soon my life is no more my own
Soon I will be reborn

Every tick of a clock
It only reminds me of the time left
time left before the end

End before the beginning
Begging to end

Darkness to light
With a dragon soaring high
A protector of life to come

This doesn't happen to people like me
The world is cruel
not forgiving
People who have gone through hell
don't meet their idols
We don't meet the people we look up to
because when does anything go perfect?

Full of pain
full of torment
nothing is ever easy
so why is this easy?
Maybe that's why
this feels like a dream

Everything I close my eyes
I see you looking at me

The spark your eyes had
The small smile you were trying to hide
The warmth you gave off

Evrytime I close my eyes
I see you holding me
Laughing and remarking to yourself
Making me giggle as I felt safe

Everytime I close my eyes
I see you
And me
In the dim light night

Everytime I open my eyes
I want to cry
Because you made me feel something
I forgot was not a imaginary thought of a child
You made me feel comfortable and safe
And not scarred of my past

So I escape to my dreams
Where I can see you again

Demon of death
Demon of heartache
Demon of pain
Demon of loss

You follow me everywhere
Standing right out of sight
Mimicking my every step
Watching, waiting

Your small actions
Cause major repercussions
So if you come for me
Make it swift and sweet then

To see your creation
get denied its life

oh the frustration
of not knowing will happen
of the uncertainty of tomorrow

Oh the terror
my body is in
but I remind myself

this is just another, no
so now
watch me as I do what I want

Don't let them see the tears
Bite the lip
change the emotional to physical
Perhaps the taste of blood
might shock my system awake
or pull it further down

Just one more moment
Keep your eyes down
just incase the form
maybe no one will notice

maybe no one will notice you
and the pain you carry
when you walk through the building

Hide it with a smile
a tilt of the head
get them away
from the broken mess
you're about to become

Her beauty was simple
No makeup to change her features
No fancy clothes to expose her figure
Just her
As she was made

When storms came
And others ran for shelter
She ran into it
And danced in the rain

Her laughter was a drug
Yet to be invented
But so intoxicating
That is was quickly addictive

Her kind hands could hold a wounded animal
Nurse it back to health
And defend those she stood to protect

Pen and book in hand
She made the world bow down to her
Demanding it listen
As she spoke

But her smile
The glint in her eyes that could mistaken for a dimond or precious stone
The way she could hold her hand up
So proud of what she accomplished

Her smile
Is the one thing she will be remembered by

So when you think of her
Think of the woman who laughted at fear
Rode danger like it was a wild beast
Tamed those who could not be tamed
And loved with a ever lasting love

But most importantly
Remember her smile
And how she glowed when she showed it off

So caring
So passionate
So perfect

A simple creature
one who will fight and die for her chosen mate
but the one who also rules underneath everyone's nose

A simple woman
Beautiful and cunning
A war-ready atomic bomb

She will hold you so close
yet destroy everything you know
should you ever cross her

A woman who knows what she wants
A woman who will always get what she wants
A woman with fire in her soul

I sat on the bench
Quitely Watchung
Refusing to partake in the symphony of others

A little girl came and sat next to me
Wild brown auburn hair
Deep rich brown eyes

She sat smiling as she kicked her legs
"It's nice out here today"
Her voice startling me a bit

So pippy, so energetic
I gave a her a half smile
As I pulled my sleeves down

"Yeah I guess it is" I responded as her gaze was preoccupied
"Why do you wear a jacket when it's hot?"
"I get cold easily" Same old lie once more

Her eyes found mine once more something almost familiar about them as a young woman came up

"Mind if I sit, I'm waiting on a friend?"
I moved closer to the young girl as the woman sat

Her brown hair was pulled back in a cap with hints of fire red in it
Her tanned skin showed scars fading on her arms
Maybe she worked outside and got a occasional cut here and there

We sat in silence
Just the three of us
"It's a nice day today" the little girl repeated

The woman smiled as she leaned forward to speak
Her eyes full of warmth and passion
"Aye it is little one. Great day to do the impossible."

"What's impossible?" The girl asked
"Something you never imagined you would do. And it's really scarry."
Before the little girl could respond, she got off the bench and ran off

The woman sat back and chuckled
"Children are always fascinating to talk to, full of wonder and possibilities."
I shrugged as I looked at the ground
"Hey" the woman said making me look at her
Her eyes sharp and stern but her voice calm
"I know that look, been down that road myself a few. Nothing will get better if you choose that road, but you out here means your trying to find that reason. Make it a point to take it one day at a time, and if that's too much then hour by hour or minute by minute. Break it up to find something good every single day."

I looked at the woman shocked
My hand slowly released the razor blade in my pocket
Her gaze moved off of me as I felt tears start to come

"Hhhhow" I managed in a barely audible voice
She gave me a half smile and side glance
"Not hard to know when someone is saying goodbye. We have our own scars, but don't let them become shackles to hold yourself back."

We sat in silence
Just the two of us
"Hey my friends here, but thanks for the converstation. Remember, find one good thing every day, makes the process a whole lot easier."

I watched her walk off
Leaving me alone on the bench
Silently I sat

I gazed up at the tree
Providing just enough shade to sit comfortably
And I smiled
at my one good thing that day

Looks would normally take this title
However
I find it else where

When alone
Surrounded by nature
Flowers blooming
Trees standing tall
Leaves russelling against one another

The soft breeze on my face
The warm sun on my back
A reminder of the unspoken words
That if you listen close
You still hear the words in the wind

The voices of those we miss
Reminders they are still here
No mater how much time has passed

To me
To be at peace
And with family and friends new and old
This is beauty
The hidden beauty most forgot now

"You're so mature for your age"
I have to care for my parent and make sure she safe

"You're so responsible"
I have to make sure my parent eats before she gets sick

"Your hearing is amazing"
I listen carefully before walking into a room

"You are so happy to be around"
I don't want others to feel unwanted

"You have such good grades"
They yelled if I didn't do well enough

"Your parents must be rich if you have that much money"
I save the money they give me for lunch instead of eating

"how did you become such a good listener"
I had to listen to them vent about each other

"you always have the greatest ideas"
My ideas only mattered when there was no one else

"Your always up and there for me"
I stayed up listening to fighting and shouts

Now I am a adult trying to navigate life
But back then
I was just a kid

Almost I found the courage
To tell you my regret
To tell you why
No one can ever touch me again

Would you hate me
For not telling you sooner
For being a coward
Despite having every opportunity possible

Would you hate the memories
As they all went skewed
Wondering if your lust
Was damaging instead of pleasing

Would you be mad at him
A boy who hurt me
That I have no contact with

I was almost brave
I almost formed the words
But when I tried to process it
I went back to that phone call
That cold, cold November
The request I made

I wished to make my abuser happy
Even at my own cost
How silly was I
How silly and young
Holding my life in my hands

You beheaded me
stole the life from my body
a simple term
a simple action
so swift
and so brutal

I have one month
One month of finances
one month to live
one month

You knew I was struggling
You knew I was in pain
yet it didn't matter
in your game

So simple
so swift
so brutal
You cut me once more

Slowly you'll fade
Slowly I'll skew your memories
Slowly everything will be as it was

Distance between us
Awkward silence when were near
And the knowledge that we are strangers once more

Your creator got her way
but broke two hearts instead of one
So swift, so sweet, so ruthless

Now I will lay my head to sleep
Holding you in my memory
forevermore

until leaves near die
and the sun always shines
I wish you the best

so I kiss my hand
and blow you a kiss
a farewell my little devil

Your voice whispers in my ear
The memories we made fill my mind
The promises we made make me smile

But I stand alone
My heart was both soaring and breaking
A life that will never be

A promise to be different
A feeling I didn't know I missed
A life that I dream of

Tears shed for a name.
A voice
A person

I miss you more than ever.
And even though you'll never read this
I still love you...

Though my heart wants to scream a thousand words
My body wants to run from the thought of you
I still love you, Ghostie

So simple
A promise of hope
A promise of gold
A promise of home

So simple
A promise to inspire
A promise to help
A promise to guide

Was it a promise you made
to break my soul
Was it a promise you made
to leave me confused
Was it a promise you made
to leave me alone

A simple statement
A simple promise

would I still take it
if I knew the misery
it would entail?

My first kiss
My first friend
My first shoulder to cry on
My first support
My first love

But life is a cruel thing
Taking him so young
Leaving a stone and flag
I cried for years
Our son trying his best to support me
But how can a child help the parent

So much pain
So much fear
And I never wanted to forgive him
He didn't have to leave
He could have stayed
Stayed with us
Watch his son grow

But I guess remembering you
Is better then having you hear
Despite my longing for you
Craving your touch once more
We found happiness in the pain

We still visit you
Still loop you in when something happens
Leave you a seat at events
Like his band concert last fall

I think we're finally finding that happiness again
We can never replace you
Nor do we try
But we are getter better
One day at a time

Funny
how one can be surrounded
and yet feel so alone

empty
when the voices in your head
just stop filling the silence

Misplaced
in understanding
what it is I should be doing

Unknown
when this confusion
will finally end

"What is your greatest fear?"
   "Having this heartache feeling forever"
"Oh, ok"
   "What about you, what do you fear?"
"You really want to know?"
   "Yeah, what keeps you up at night?"

"Being alone"