She haunts my dreams
Stands right out of sight
There are times I swear I see her
But when I look, it's someone else
Not her

Her long flowly brown hair
They way her brown eyes could change
The natural beauty she has

Oh god how I wish I could go back
Go back when I had her in my arms
Go back to that moment
When she was mine

Please I want to relive it
One more moment
Please just let us have
One more moment

Because I don't want to settle for her shadow

Simple in nature
Pure in intentions

oh sweet desire
why must you strike my heart

Words I write
sentences I type

and for what
what is you're desire

or you after the encounter
more than the lasting imprint

Time ticks by
Some people celebrate numbers
And others dread them
All the same in the end

One more tick on life's counter
till a relaxation of death comes

No one can reverse it
not are we the same are before
time changes us all
situations shape us
as we
grow up


and try to find our place in life

Its utter chaos
This idea I've had
has now taken a life of its own

Already a name and logo
already spending money
Already for the future ahead

When will this stop?
When can I breath
When do I wake from this dream?

too little time
too much work
The school must come first
for this to work

Soon it will all be over
and life blinked by
but what an exhilarating ride

Empty soul
Just sitting
wasting away
the night

So still
so quite
unsure about
silence made

am I
empty
or just
numb?

Your words are sweet
Your intentions kind
You strive to make me laugh

But the smile hides the tears
The laugh hides the sobs
Of my heart shattering against the wall

A love I know
A love that is real
A love that can never be

Is it bad
to wish to talk
to another who does not know me?

Is that such a bad thing
To wish one voice is heard
and not drowned out in a sea of silence?

Is it so bad
to wish
to speak?

Finally free
of the chains that bound me
and tried to force me
to be the perfect person

Act a certain way
Be a certain person
never be yourself

I broke free of their grasp
finally able to breath once again
and onto new things from here

Maybe today will be good
Maybe today something will change
Maybe
Just maybe

My mind runs
While I try to calm it with a puzzle

Constantly thinking
Different scenarios play out

One I level
One I bark
One I cave
One I snap

Each one me
But in different ways

I do not wish to crush a spirt
But if it was not just one animal
Maybe I would be more understanding

Maybe if they actually cared
Maybe I could help out
Instead of snapping

Maybe
But instead
My mind runs

And I get another
Sleepless night

9 years later
Your name still comes across my lips
9 years later
The small fights we had feel like yesterday
9 years later
I'm stoll looking for what we had

And though I know
It will never happen again
I still look for that fire

Not a spark or light
No the flame that burned my heart
And taught me how to warm a home

9 years later
I still recall that name you wished for a child
9 years later
I still think of you
9 years later
I hope your happy with with your wife

A pin could be heard
The ever growing silence
Not a word muttered
But the screams echo in the mind
I sit quite
I sit still
Completely silent
As my mind tears into two

I sit
looking around at the mess I have made
unsure where to start

My life is unraveling
complete chaos
and not enough time

not enough time
for myself....

So can I find the reasons
to make it through the night?

I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice
The slight lisp you have
and how it made my heart flutter

But this time is different.
I couldn't let my heart soar as it had before
I had to keep it locked up

Locked up from the damage you did
Locked up from years of torment
Locked up
from you

I trusted you, and you broke it
a simple action made me question everything

but now we talk
small conversations
but still conversations I had begged for previously

I want you to be happy
but I am slowly understanding




That it will never be with me..........

I use to worry about the next day
I use to worry about my grades
I use to worry about my friends
I use to worry about the scars on my arms
I use to worry about graduating
I use to worry that no one would love me

Now
My skin is a mess
My job chaos
And my mind in pieces

When did I go from worring about life
To being the punching bag?

Always moving
yet now its finally peaceful once more
a heart beating through the night
a survivor once more

Ticking by
one by one
breath by breath

air given to the one
who survived another battle
and made it to the other side

One more battle won
one more battle gone
in the war of Life

One day I am good
One day I am a mess
One day I am surviving
One day I am dying
Am I punished
Or was this always to be my life?

Once a breath is given
it is celebrated

Once a breath is taken
it is mourned

However, the time between the first and the last
is nothing at all


looked at with pride or greed
some sorrow and pain

each making history is someone's life

Yet here we sit
reading words
feeling another's emotion

but what if
this flood of words



just


stopped?

So simple in definition
and taught that everyone's mater
but then why are mine ignored?

Did I do something wrong?
Did I misbehave?
Did I not walk the tightrope correctly?

Pushed aside by my own blood
Pushed to the ground by a friend
Pushed to stay by a lover

Everyone's feelings matter
but then why do you overlook
mine?

Why am I different?
Why am I strange?

What is simple for others
I struggle with understanding

What is easy for me
Others find difficult

Simple tasks
That are habits for some

I have yet to make stick
Despite me trying

Why am I different?
Why am I not normal
Like the rest?

Wipe your tears
   Hide your pretty face

            Maybe then they won't see
                        

                                     your such discgrace

My little devil
He made me scream
He made me cry
He made me want to **** him
He made me want to love him
He was nothing and everything in an instant
When we were close
We came up with nicknames to tease each other with
“Alright, Bookworm,” He use to say
“Fair deal Devil” I would spout off
I never viewed him as the devil
Just my personal devil
But not the one to cause harm
The one who would protect me
The long nights we stayed up to talk
The sweet moments we share
They made my pulse race
And cause me to wish they never existed
My own devil
My protector
But mine
For a moment in time, he was mine
And I was his
And everything was perfect
But the moment shattered
And my devil turned on me
I wasn’t scarred
I was calm
As my devil looked at me with
His bloodthirsty eyes
I stayed silent as he roared in my face
But I just smiled
Through the tears that formed
And my heartbreaking
And I reached out one last time
And patted my devil on the head
He shrunk back to the man I saw
And he became something more special
That no one can match
He was once my devil that I kept around
And now he is my little devil
Who reminds me of good times
And it still makes me cry at night
Or with the tune of a box
My own little devil that haunts my dreams
And steals my sleep
It makes my mind wander
And think “What if”
No one sees him
But I know he is there
My little devil
Who will never leave my heart

Big room
Lights all around
Everyone's eyes on the stage

Cheers break out
for every name called
as they walk across

Unknown to all
some sit and watch
not feeling the excitement of the moment

Going through the motions
seems like a task
better left for tomorrow

Would it matter
if I graduated
tomorrow?

My little devil
So kind your hands
So warm your heart
So sweet your words

But though I can see a future
A wonderful amazing life
And beautiful children

You only focus on my flaws
The edges that cut you
The parts that fight you

I try to see your point of view
But it feels as though
You never give back what I give onto you

So sweet
So caring
So devilish

Harsh with words
Brutal with actions
And break me any chance you can

So I must ask
The time we spent
The glimps of my life you saw
The vulnerability I gave to you

Was it all for something
Or were you just wearing a mask
To see how much you could trick me instead?

As the day draws near
My body shivers in the night
A chill settles in despite the blankets

Soon I will be taken.
Soon my life is no more my own
Soon I will be reborn

Every tick of a clock
It only reminds me of the time left
time left before the end

End before the beginning
Begging to end

Darkness to light
With a dragon soaring high
A protector of life to come

A new passion
A new concept
The lives once dulled
Now lift and fly off the pages

Creativity at my fingertips
and despite the fear of the unknown
I am genuinely content for now

This doesn't happen to people like me
The world is cruel
not forgiving
People who have gone through hell
don't meet their idols
We don't meet the people we look up to
because when does anything go perfect?

Full of pain
full of torment
nothing is ever easy
so why is this easy?
Maybe that's why
this feels like a dream

So young
So bright

Little sis
So smart
So little

Little sis
So sad
So confused

Little sis
So scarred
So abused

Little sis
Big sis is here
To protect you now

Little sis
Put down the knife
Please

I got you now
It's going to be ok

It was right there
A sweet taste of happiness
I got my creative spark back
Finally able to complete projects
But I guess I burned too bright
To much for my candle to handle
The nightmare returned
The sleepless nights
My mind in reverse of everyone else

But so quickly is that spark of energy
Drowned by a secret heavy weight I carry

I just want to wish this all a dream
A dream
I can wake from...

I was getting better
I promise I was...