So small
A concept few understand

The pink ones
Tucked away safely
Protected from view
Show times I was at the end

A small final act
For the life to end

However there is another
Shown out in a collection
Different shapes
All the same size

These are white
With writting in black
Company stickies there called
Yet busy work for me

Fold and press
Shape and pull
Small cranes take flight
Creating a flock on the desk

The meaning changed
From once sarrow and a tearful goodbye
To a ray of hope
Making me stay busy when work is down

Funny how suicide cranes
Became cranes of life

It's been years since I've seen you
Years since we kissed
A lifetime since we embraced in love

Despite the statements
Of how I'm fine by myself
Or how I don't want to share my space

I miss you
Despite the years
Despite the venom of your actions

I still long for you
I still miss your embrace
I still miss you

Is what love is
The emptiness
The ticks of a cupid struck mind

Is this where you sit?
The corner of my gaze?
Right out of reach?

Will we ever have our
Happy ever after
This lifetime, or is this one just in passing?

So many applications
So many opportunities
so many no's

why must it be hard
to find my place
in this thing called life
when I keep getting a "no"?

Never trust your heart
Never trust your gut
Never trust your sight
Never trust your senses

Maybe then
I'll make everyone happy
When I'm alone instead

Why does it hurt so much?

previously your absence was a relief
now its pain

maybe because of the way it ended
or maybe because of what was said

but why does it hurt
and I can't cry anymore???

Its been months seen I've seen your face
yet I could see it clearly as the fence flew by
and that swift sweet moment
came rushing back in clarity

Was this my mind
accepting that I was moving on
or was this you
calling out once more
hoping that we salvage the destruction we created

My little devil
you still haunt my dreams
you still have part of my heart
but I need to find a new

I want the peace you search for yourself

To admit I don't like the company
that I like the way I have things
The i don't want to share
That I don't agree
That I have problems
that I want help
that I want to love
that I need support
that I am tired
that I need sleep
that I still long for you

oh it would be easy to say everything i feel
but instead
all you hear is the silence a still mouth makes.

They're just black and white
Letters and words
1's and 0's of code

Some are my own
Some I helped
While others I find

I reflect on these
Imaging a world
Different then my own

Such a strange thing indeed
To long for a sensation
That I have never felt

You try so hard
to be a horse in the heard
hide your horn
tuck in your wings

but the winds blew off your cover
tickled your feathers
and made you open your wings

Don't hide your differences
don't let them prey on you
embrace your difference
and step away from the heard

even if you are alone
it is better to fly above the clouds
then to be tied in the heard

My brain runs
Tierd of sleeping
Tierd of the pain

And yet my body
Refuses to move

Simple things
So exhausting
Yet I can't sleep
For my brain does not brain right now

I started my own company
I wrote a book
I got a dog who helps everyday
I moved out on my own
I have a really good job

But despite that I still miss you
Even though I'm grateful I agreed
That October morning
I do sometimes wonder
How life would change

If we never split at all?

I should feel more excited
and even though currently I am
I know it will not last

Once the night is over
reality sits back in
one more night of freedom
one more night to go out
one more night I can afford
not to worry, no doubt

"Live in the moment"
but how can one do that
when everything pulls me back
and nothing but one thing pulls me forward

From a past I miss
to a future I dream
can this excitement
really last
more then tonight?

You be black
I'll be white

I'll go first with a knight
You move a pawn

One by one our pieces move
One by one our pieces fall

But the board holds few now
Your calculations swift
Robbed me of everything but my king
A handful of pieces for you

But was that the intent
For another game

One where your white
And I'm black

Cries of agony
Machines beeping
Tears flow and hearts stop

A small bit of hope
Causes relief to flood
But what might happen
If spark of hope
Change who knew

From just the employees
To the community
Would it help?
Would it fail?
And to stay unknown

Now that is the true test
Of a hidden dragon

Only time will tell
Which is best in the end
But the thought
Is all that matter
In the end

Is it not?

Simple words
effective meaning
such beauty
so easy

that would be a dream
type
speak
let loose all the words I believe
let them go
out into the world

for all to see
for all to love
for all to criticize
for all
to see me

"Watch were you step"
They said with guidance
"Want to make sure you know
Where your feet are"

"Keep you head up"
The criticized with frustration
"Have to know where your going"

But will all that guidance
With all that frustration
All it did was teach me one thing to fear

Close my eyes
Arms out wide
The first step
Before I fly

You wanted me to be independent
Taught me skills to survive
Gave me wisdom beyond my years

But when I finally break free
Your talons of the past dig in
Refusing to accept
That I have moved on

"Be a good daughter"
"Bite your tongue"
"Resepct your elders"

Each day I master the fake smiles
No one the wiser of my pain
And then you stay

Unknowingly forcing me to keep my one act play
Going on through out the night
Finally realizing

That what you yell and scream
"Not spending time with family"
Is what I always done

Hide away the pain and misery
Play the part of a happy family

Now your upset
Lash out
Just because I got free of the talons from the past

Some daughter I've become
The one holding the world
The one that everyone depends on
The one barely holding on
And all you care to see

Is all my flaws of my past
And not what I have done
Unless it makes you look good

So careful you walk
Up above the white clouds
Dance on your tightrope

Your wings
So beautiful
So elegant

Swift you fly
Up above heaven filled sky
Along with winds we hear

Do you ever
Miss the ground
Or the ones who walk it?

I thought I was better

Accepting that time
Forced me to move on
Accepting that life
Had finally gave me a break

A break from pain
And misery
And heartache

I thought I was better

Being able to speak your name
The small uncontrollable smile
That always crosses my lips
Warming my heart
Being able to remember our time with fondness

But as soft as you memory is to me
The razor edges cut deep
The longing for your ghost
To not be a ghost anymore

Is this my curse
Forever longing one
That settled for those that punish him
Despite knowing what love really is?

Your smile is brighter
You get that look on your eye
The almost unnoticable tilts of your head

You look at peace
You look content
Almost life a breath of fresh air
Leaving your body

But the reality sets back in
The thorns of truth strangle your lungs
But that hope

That tiny hope in your eye
Still longs for that thing
You both called love

To find joy in life
To be a difference
Find the reason to smile
Be a spark to ignite

But you hold your walls up
Build your defense
Pratice your cries of innocence

Your view of life is skewed
But you bicker and complain of your past
You taught me everything

And show me
What not to become

"Did you loose weight?"
"You look so fit"
"I don't know what you did, but you look amazing"
"Man I wish I could look like you"

I stopped eating

not on purpose
but it was easier to pay rent
if I had 1 or 2 meals versus the normal 3

I started to loose sleep

Causing my mind to be on alert
and forcing my body to move
even when I am so tired

I just want to live
and yet I am punished for it
and praised for how good

sick looks on me

Your eyes cut
The coldness you produce
You look at life like it's a game
Like you want to master a poker face

So still you stand
Eyeing everyone else
Your careful words
Like knives in the heart

But when your walls crumble
Your defense down
By God's the sound of your voice becomes warm
So bright and exciting
And you act like you did back then

Why did you chance
Why did you become cold?

"Because I had to live through my own breaking, to understand why when I looked at you
Through your lovely deep brown eyes
Why their was always cracks I could never make go away
I understand them now....."

Can you call it love
when you never met a person?

Can you see what love is
when it is miles away?

Is the heartache real
or just a figment of imagination?

Will the pain ever fade away
when you still question if they were real?

Or were you played
a sick game, one more?

You thought you were smug
filling the complaints
hoping it would be a slam dunk on my failures

you didn't realize I still had proof
or the evidence
or the gift to show your issues
without confusing my truth

So swift you came out swinging
and all you did
was ink your fate
as the villain you are

so thank you for the inspiration
where your always shown
as the monster you truly are

and the world moves from your lies
and only remember one name
mine

I sit perfectly still
my smile perfect
as everyone looks at me

But when I am alone
I break
and speak words no one will hear
not because they do not care
but because I do not worry them

I sit and let silent words hit the floor
each the fear of broken trust
because some
don't
listen.....

I am smart
I am beautiful
I am kind
I am healthy
I am fit
I am loved
I am amazing


and I feel like crap

It started out simple
Innocent, if you will
It was cold that morning
   And the next
        And the one after that
            And the following one

"I'm cold"
"Moisture wicking"
"Keeps the sun off"
What lie shall I say today?

It started out innocently
To the untrained eyes

Now they ask
How I survive?
How can I bare the heat?
How do I not melt?

"Best foot forward
You represent now
Be mindful of your look"

Would I still look presentable
If you saw the battles
I lost against my own self
Would that show strength and courage?

Or would I be shunned once more,
For things I could not control
And memories that linger at night
Would you care if I lie once more?

I asked for something
To show me
That the ine who still has my heart
Was alive and thriving
Safe in this chaotic world

Then I almost breakdown crying
Over a piece of hardware

Was that a sign
Or a fluke tsunami of emotions brought on my a woman's time?