When the world is in chaos
and I feel the need to end it
I take a small piece of paper
and fold

it started as a final act before the world went black
but it now developed into a habit
folding to calm the world once more

I have a collection now
of paper cranes
that saved my life

The roar of the crowd
only for a season

every event timed
every event judged

8 seconds
14 seconds
less then 2

all impressive in their own event
and many forget that the roar of the crowd
is only a tiny part of the lifestyle

Many hours
early mornings
late nights
working through weekends and holiday's

We all bow our heads before
praying we never repeat
that rainy day in Cheyenne

With live breathe and respect our game
but we never forget those that is took
nor the ones who got their start
in the Rodeo

She sat so peacefully
her hair slowly moving in the breeze
framing her face, so lost in thought

her pen writes words with such speed
you think they were her last
but the story had yet to be completed

At a table for one
so comfortable in her writing
and what ever world she was creating

Finally after the war in my mind was lost
and forever hung in the air on a scale
forever loving, or forever missing

I walked up
and said "Hi, may I sit?"

Oh to tell my story

One of triumph
One of misery

The one where the girl gets everything she wants
And the one where she is left with nothing

The one where I am happy to be me
The one where I hated everything I did

Oh to tell my story
The broken spite fuelled disaster success

Why that would take a lifetime
Are you willing to listen that long?

One and two
Three and four
count the steps
count them more

Follow the path
of unknown traveled
let it guide
where all roads travel

five and six
seven and eight
step by step
come on now

nine and ten
maybe then
this circus act
can end

"Why are you out there
Your gonna fall"

He's all I look for
All I wish to feel
Just a moment of forever
Once more upon my lips

The gentle caressing
The secrets we shared
The laughs
And the tears

All perfectly chaotic
In the sympathy we called love

But his love is no more
On its way to me
But my body refuses to accept
My heart longing for hi.
My mind racing for a way to be his once more

"Would you let me?
Would you let me fall?
If it ment I was finally with him once more?"

So many
The endless tornado in my mind
Trying to get them together
Still enough to write
Unsure what will happen
But hope that will be free
Much to do
Little time
Would it be worth it
To express all that I experienced
And all that I want?

I sit and scribble
pencil on paper
notes that will be used
once

I sit annoyed at the screen
frustrated the end can't come fast enough
but yet I also want it slow
slow for my others
time to let me enjoy the few moments I have left to cherish
and to finish projects, I have yet to begin

So I sit and write
complete chicken scratch only I can read
as I count down
till the last one comes

The idea is in my head
the brush and paint the medium
the simple thought
to live in a fantasy

slowly the dream becomes true
as others now see
what I saw

Last night was full of pain
the agony of pulled ligaments
broken bone
social battery dead
Accepting that the fail would happen

Early rise
hope in the air
body still healing
but just numb to the pain
Fill the tank
grab a bite
only a $1 left in the account
till next week

The road long
traffic hell
the misty sprinkles
making me aware

Read to keep the mind at bay
Count down the time
act like nothing is wrong
despite the eyes

Put on the mask
same as before
"Hi how are you"
"No thank you, have a good day"
The environment still

but smiles and laughs soon filled the air
Getting a glimpse at what once was
filled the heart with hope
of finding it again

Walk out smiling
happy and fun
not admitting the prayers
that this could be the one

Body exhausted
Lack of food and sleep
sleep the day away
then the nightmares will stay at bay

A single call
clarification on already determined decisions
"We pick you, can you do it?"
Joy beyond compression
the body unsure what to do
after being numb for so long

Is this really happening
is this a dream
has the skipping meals
late bills
and fear of going under

finally found the light at the end of the tunnel?

As my time draws near
I sit and think of the past
trying to make peace with it all

Unsaid words plagued my mind
The fear of never being able to
made me reach out one last time

Now here we are
playing a game of chance and limbo

unsure what to do next
after our hearts poured out for one another

a simple game
a simple dance
a story left unfinished

will this be the end to my story
or is it just another chapter altogether?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you
But the sugar bowls empty
Your wrists are stained red
From crimson the flowers bloomed
And a silver blade took your breath
The Roses and dead
The violets too
There is no more sugar
And no more you

The bed is still
The room cold
Everything asleep
But the mind
Who longs for another

The process begun
Concept of one

But fate and life
And small cries
Changed the motion

With ease and comfort
Pain dulled
And harsh hands turned to those of pleasure

The concept now changed
Settling for two instead of one
A spark of hope
A spark of life

A safe place to rest
After a nasty fall

The doctors tried
But we're unable to bring you off that cliff
That blue urn
Forever holding your gold flecked soul,

A quite night
Silent tears shed

Perhaps this was all the plan

One became two
Jokes about the intensity of drink begin

But in truth
Was this the plan all along
So that one is not passed over in the window?

Oh silly me
for falling in love

Oh silly me
for thinking it would be possible

Oh silly me
For falling for you

Simple and sweet
**** and dangerous

Yet I care
Oh silly me

"Hey"
"Miss you"
"Hope your doing alright"
"Its been a while since we've talked"
"Hey saw you were online"
"Heard from our friend you got a new job"
"How is family"
"Hope your happy"

"Still love you incase that matters."
"Hope you think of me like I do you"
"Wish you were here"
"Miss you, still"

Late nights when my mind runs
The struggle to be productive
only to be frozen
Endless thoughts
and unable to act upon any of them
But to sleep is impossible
So I sit
paralyzed completely
funny how the times change ones mind

To dream of what if
To think of a life
That never happened
To live experiences
That will never pass
Become a fascination of some
A balance of time and life

Some use it to escape
Others use it to grow
Me
I use it to think
To think of him
Of them
What my life could have been
If I had just
Said
Yes.

Cries of agony
Machines beeping
Tears flow and hearts stop

A small bit of hope
Causes relief to flood
But what might happen
If spark of hope
Change who knew

From just the employees
To the community
Would it help?
Would it fail?
And to stay unknown

Now that is the true test
Of a hidden dragon

Only time will tell
Which is best in the end
But the thought
Is all that matter
In the end

Is it not?

It's been years since I've seen you
Years since we kissed
A lifetime since we embraced in love

Despite the statements
Of how I'm fine by myself
Or how I don't want to share my space

I miss you
Despite the years
Despite the venom of your actions

I still long for you
I still miss your embrace
I still miss you

Is what love is
The emptiness
The ticks of a cupid struck mind

Is this where you sit?
The corner of my gaze?
Right out of reach?

Will we ever have our
Happy ever after
This lifetime, or is this one just in passing?

So small
A concept few understand

The pink ones
Tucked away safely
Protected from view
Show times I was at the end

A small final act
For the life to end

However there is another
Shown out in a collection
Different shapes
All the same size

These are white
With writting in black
Company stickies there called
Yet busy work for me

Fold and press
Shape and pull
Small cranes take flight
Creating a flock on the desk

The meaning changed
From once sarrow and a tearful goodbye
To a ray of hope
Making me stay busy when work is down

Funny how suicide cranes
Became cranes of life

To admit I don't like the company
that I like the way I have things
The i don't want to share
That I don't agree
That I have problems
that I want help
that I want to love
that I need support
that I am tired
that I need sleep
that I still long for you

oh it would be easy to say everything i feel
but instead
all you hear is the silence a still mouth makes.

I started my own company
I wrote a book
I got a dog who helps everyday
I moved out on my own
I have a really good job

But despite that I still miss you
Even though I'm grateful I agreed
That October morning
I do sometimes wonder
How life would change

If we never split at all?

"Watch were you step"
They said with guidance
"Want to make sure you know
Where your feet are"

"Keep you head up"
The criticized with frustration
"Have to know where your going"

But will all that guidance
With all that frustration
All it did was teach me one thing to fear

Close my eyes
Arms out wide
The first step
Before I fly

One day I will find you
One day you will find me
One day

but that day is not now
nor is it tomorrow
or the day after

One day
maybe
I will find love

I asked for something
To show me
That the one who still has my heart
Was alive and thriving
Safe in this chaotic world

Then I almost breakdown crying
Over a piece of hardware

Was that a sign
Or a fluke tsunami of emotions brought on my a woman's time?

To find joy in life
To be a difference
Find the reason to smile
Be a spark to ignite

But you hold your walls up
Build your defense
Pratice your cries of innocence

Your view of life is skewed
But you bicker and complain of your past
You taught me everything

And show me
What not to become

You wanted me to be independent
Taught me skills to survive
Gave me wisdom beyond my years

But when I finally break free
Your talons of the past dig in
Refusing to accept
That I have moved on

"Be a good daughter"
"Bite your tongue"
"Resepct your elders"

Each day I master the fake smiles
No one the wiser of my pain
And then you stay

Unknowingly forcing me to keep my one act play
Going on through out the night
Finally realizing

That what you yell and scream
"Not spending time with family"
Is what I always done

Hide away the pain and misery
Play the part of a happy family

Now your upset
Lash out
Just because I got free of the talons from the past

Some daughter I've become
The one holding the world
The one that everyone depends on
The one barely holding on
And all you care to see

Is all my flaws of my past
And not what I have done
Unless it makes you look good

Your smile is brighter
You get that look on your eye
The almost unnoticable tilts of your head

You look at peace
You look content
Almost life a breath of fresh air
Leaving your body

But the reality sets back in
The thorns of truth strangle your lungs
But that hope

That tiny hope in your eye
Still longs for that thing
You both called love

Your eyes cut
The coldness you produce
You look at life like it's a game
Like you want to master a poker face

So still you stand
Eyeing everyone else
Your careful words
Like knives in the heart

But when your walls crumble
Your defense down
By God's the sound of your voice becomes warm
So bright and exciting
And you act like you did back then

Why did you chance
Why did you become cold?

"Because I had to live through my own breaking, to understand why when I looked at you
Through your lovely deep brown eyes
Why their was always cracks I could never make go away
I understand them now....."