Physically I'm fine
A little bruised
Nothing to mind

Physically I'm alright
No cuts or scrapes
Nothing to stain the seats

Physically I'm ok
Through the nods and smiles
Fingers across the keys

Physically I'm
A voice I don't recognize
Speaks to the phone
As the fingers fly and click the keys

Physically
Just stay focused
Study hard and count the days
You'll make it another day

But despite what you see
A hard worker who thrives on her job
Who wants to get excitement from it

You glazed over
When I wasn't ok
And reminded me

I was a number to you.....

I should be happy
to celebrate
count down the days for their happiness

I should be happy
to enjoy their company
to embrace their warmth

but I don't want to see them
not because I don't like them
but for the pain I have

the knife in my gut twisting with every smile
with every side glance
every small loving smile
I hold it together from snapping

from crying out in agony
from screaming at the unfairness of it all

Because how can I tell them
that the love they have
the love that will last
the love I tried to explain

I was yelled at by a 21 year old upon our first interaction
and venom over child games
left deep cuts that scared

And the love they have
the love I see on them

I once held so delicately

so while they get to celebrate
and enjoy a wonderful night
and work every day to be better

I will be on my own
with the empty hands covered in scars
still hoping that something will happen

still hoping a miracle could happen
while I sit and see the name in stone

When the nights are cold
And loneliness creeps up behind

When the air is crisp
And the night sky still

When the flowers bloom
And the birds sing

When the reality hits
And your no where to be seen

Your name on my lips
Through the tears and time
I still wish it true

But as I accept the cold emptiness of your absence
You get to embrace another

"Was it worth it my flame?"

Coffee in the morning
A light at 8

A warm cup of embrace
A cool drag of smoke

A heart longing for the impossible
A soul forgetting to live

Hair up and clean
Unshaven and untamed

A chance meeting
One in life's game

But those eyes
The soft brown eyes

We're ones you never could forget

I still love him
I still love her

Two hearts beat as one
Thousands of miles apart

And only time will know
If that last was it
Or if there is still a ember left in the ashes

So much has changed
Today is a celebration
last year full of tears

Funny how that little bit of hope
was the difference between keeping everything
and loosing it all
just because society failed me

When I finally reach the end of my time

Look for me in hoof prints
Of those who run free

Hear my voice upon the nickers and neighs
of delight and play

Feel my heart beat
As two become one

Only then can you experience what I loved
What gave me a reason the live

Do not shed any tears
Do not scream in wallows

Find me where I thrived
And treat those who can not speak
With the kindness you showed me

When everything I knew comes crashing down
When every night I can't sleep
When I want to burn and shred my skin off
When it feels like I'm a human voodoo doll
when I shut down
When my mind wont have any motivation
When my past decides to come beat me up again
When I believe the lies I tell myself
When I run from everything that is good
When I let others abuse and use me, just so I'm not alone
When I let the dark thoughts win for a moment or two
When I just want to sit and cry
When I want to put down my armor

How can I tell you
everything wrong with me
and still expect you to believe me
when I say
"I'm fine?"

It was night like the others
Everyone asleep
But the one who mind spiraled
So many times it went further in that darkness
Creeping closer to the edge of the cliff

A small voice begged for forgiveness
A single hand reaching out
"I have work, Goodnight"

The world fell
Air rushing
And the edge
Getting further from view

Only afterwards was damage realized
But would the same outcome happen
If time repeated
Or would it change

For a funeral or a second chance?

For a moment
A blink of the eye
The beat of the heart
Just for that instance

Show me what love is
Please remind me
What it felt like
To be truely loved

A small treat
A little moment to be a child
A small smile
And spring in my step
Only help hide the pain

For you it was a small act
Something you did
Because I was being a pain
But you continued
And it became our habit

A small habit
"Have a good day"
kiss on the cheek
Passing of a 6 pack of oreos

Despite being a cookie
Just a simple mass produced cookie
They make me smile
And be a child for a moment

A moment where I was young
A moment where life was easy
A moment where you were mine to hold

Oh so simple they say
A Penny for a thought
So small
So simple

But why however
Is it when the thoughts become ideas
Their value changes from a Penny
To a pat on the back?
A job well done
A good old effort

The endless ideas of a chaotic mind
Only lead to frustration and anger
No money for the constant train
Because they would bankrupt and drain

A Penny for a thought
A smile for a idea
A wishing well
Throw a coin in
Let me wish you well

I should be excited
yet I feel the unwavering fear
the thing I dread the most
the unknown

Count down the days
swift and sweet
say hi to family
as I move after they leave

perhaps this will let my mind expand
maybe my mind will collapse
I find the items
to let my stories grow

who knows how the ink will turn
or will it be another page instead

Count them down
3, 2, 1,
all pointing
directly to
the Unknown

Run run run
Always busy
but some how
through the chaos
through the hope

home is still
out of reach