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17h · 34
You
You
Your name hints on my lips
You smell just one note off of here
Your eyes what I look for in everything

But I read it somewhere
How the hardest falls aren't with drama and cries of emotions
Its the silent defiance
And comfort in not understanding

Perhaps thats why we worked so well together
Because where everyone gets to love
The me that has it together
Has a life plan and concept of reality
You loved a little girl
Who was scarred and terrified
But willing to face it anyways

And somehow
In a mess of pain and scars
Messy hair and late nights
Tear stains and venom
The body jumps and flip of switch to hide

You loved me
And I loved you
Because we saw the worst of each other
And it was marvelously beautiful to see
Round and round
Dancing a game of time
Swish here
Spin there
This one we step in time
That one behind
Round and round
Dancing, changing
A breath apart
But so ever close

Until the ending note
A pin could drop
And just like
You pull me into you
And we dance another life
I did what I suppose to
Try and try and try to move on
But you keep coming back
And the pain of you
Has now turned me numb

Even when willing causing pain to myself
By reading the pain of another
It doesnt hurt as it did
And I didn't feel...

The flame was suppose to be helpful
But it pointed me back to she same direction
The same road I keep comming too
The one I can't go down by myself

But one said im the problem
Another said to find a god
But I have a feeling
More of a fear
That the one I feel home in
The one that spoke years ago
The guide I follow

The one who was in the same boat I am
Is that really our story

Or was it told much longer then I thought
When reeds floated down
When the sun blazed
Where names have been mixed
And the same pain lived

Is this my story
Or is this hers?
7d · 12
Spirit Candle
The concept was simple
Light the candle to see
Light the candle to send back
Light the candle for hope

A deep i took
When the soul and body matched
And a unspoken prayer
To keep safe, and happy

The fire burned
Day after day
The energy visible
The flame dancing in its glass window
A silent hope
Of something to be free

As the wic shortened
The energy I had did too
Using one as a vessel
And consuming everything around
Just like fire normally does

But the last night of 3 of 3
A final hope
21 hours
Before being snuffed for the last time
The flame flickered
Dimmed, and struggled
But where one could not burn
Another stepped up to help
Fueling the other to live
To just hold on
One more dip of wax, one more breath of oxygen
And from 1 to 2 to 1 once more
Brighter then ever before

The flame grew to be steady and strong and bright
A prayer
A hope
Everything free
And through the night
Shaky hands held a glass tube
The heat warm to the touch
Praying for the light to grow

But as luck, or faith perhaps, would have it
The glass melted away
The heat changing from fire to something familiar
And where hands held glass
They held a different pair that were all too familiar

From the scar on the left side
To the healed bone on the right
Strong, warm, comforting hands

"What have I missed?"
"Alot"
"Why me?"
"Because I never could stop loving you"
When trying to find peace
Only makes the memories that are not yours burn hotter and brighter
And cause the pain to be real
When reality shows how cold it is
I tell you about my feelings
Give you a glimpse of what I hold inside
Start trying to trust you

But you are a messenger once more
Give up my trust
because you have been trained in turning everything over
Telling her everything about everyone
Just because she doesn't want to talk to me...

So yeah
I'm gonna be quite
I'm not gonna wanna be here
And the little bit of trust I am trying to give you
keeps burning up to ashes
and leaves me with nothing but another knife in my back
When the daughter tries to break generational trauma from Grandmother and Mother
Jul 15 · 38
Program error
Why is it
That on the darknest nights
The cold brisk mornings before the sun awakes
The tear stains I wipe up
The pillow i wash to hide the pain
When being a woman has its monthly due

Why is it only then
That I finally feel human
And not the robot pretending everything is fine?
For the pain I've lived
For the pain I've caused
For the hurt I've seen
For the scars I bear

It would be easy to push it along
Pass on what was not mine to bear
Allow it to slick off me
and be dumped on someone else

But that wouldn't be me
Causing pain to others
No, my path has always had thorns
And even though I may struggle
I still walk through the vines

Wishing
hoping
praying
putting energy into
letting this pain
finally rest

Finally be done with its path of descrution
all for the hope
that I may be the last stop
and no one else will be hurt
because of wishes sent my way
Jul 8 · 23
Odysseus
I saw you again
The wispers in the wind
The song nature sings
The ghost that is just out of sight

You were rough
Angry
Upset that my heart
was still yours

But once you looked at me
through the built up guess
once you saw the scars
your anger cracked

You became the man I knew
having everything fall away
and you stayed...
You still stayed when I tried to walk away

Calling my name out
trying to get more
then the precious seconds we had stolen

It was nice
to see a friendly face
when everything is cruel

But yet I still hope
Still pray
that one day
its not stolen time anymore
that we get to use
and make up for the years apart
A intended script
A heart felt desire
Stopped and stared

Congrats you did it
At what cost?

Yay your happy
But whose there around you

A intended path
But to end up alone
Due to a miss step on the trail

And then there's a ghost
Surrounded by darkness
But still holding a candle

Small and dim
But does that flame still burn
Or is it a match I see burning?

Is that hope of light
What still calls me at night
When life is cruel
And I'm missing home?
For my devil, congrats i knew you could do it
For my twin, your side is still waiting
Jun 30 · 39
A kiss of forever
Simple
Soft
we were children guessing
but our souls knew

time apart
did nothing but fuel our flame
made us drunk on the sensation
learning, but also knowing the other

A match with very few problems
a match we created
a match we both burned at

Every kiss full of the unspoken
Not just the "I love you"
but the knowledge that time is short
That every one, may be the last
A feeling that if we were to die
we would do it on that kiss
pouring ourself into the other
so they may live

All in a moment to the untrained eye

____________________­

Your kiss a mere shadow upon my lips
Your presence a comforting shadow
Are you really here
or is this the comforting imagination of a fool?

One who believes in stories
and longs for her forever once more robed in purple?
Jun 21 · 42
A hope
A single drop
A causal meet up

But anything with him
is never just causal

Feelings grow
Hearts break

Memories are sweet and warm
but his words cut like ice

Yet
I still wish for those few moments

where I was his
and he was mine

Marked by teeth
Lips swollen from harsh kisses
and everything I ever could want
A love that never can be, for a one sided coin is never a true fate.
Jun 18 · 55
How much more???
Kicked when I was down
Shoved in the dirt
Held down as I struggled
And the little bit of hope

I was denied what I needed
because I chose life instead of dying,,,,,,
I chose health instead of being sick.....
I chose the right choice....

Why do I continue to suffer
for making the right choices??
I just wanted a better life
why am I punished for that desire
the desire to live????
Your touch
The sweet way your hands ran across my skin
The taste of your lips upon my neck
The warmth you fueled in me
A feeling I only read
A feeling I did not trust for so long
A feeling I wanted to share with you
Your fingers
mapping out my body
my curves
feeling every secret I held dear
Your desire to see more
To feel my body around yours
But yet
for every interaction
despite the warmth
the fire
the trust
you always found a wrong
at least one thing I should change about myself
one thing to change
to be yours

And yet
after all this time
I just want to feel again
even if you make me cold in the morning when your absent
Even when I can't have the family I long for
Even when I know its wrong

I just want to feel wanted
even for a hour
just once more
to remind me
I can still do something good
When life leaves you with nothing, is there anything left to sell when you have nothing left?
Jun 12 · 61
Karma
Perhaps
Just once
life will be ok
Life will work out

and just once
My life
isn't questioned
or pushed

just accepted
and the right things
finally happen

Because as its told
Karma is either your best friend
or your worth enemy
Jun 8 · 48
Never asked
You just cast judgement
a side glance
ensuring my body was still there

but you never checked....
just left
as if the silence and coldness
is the punishment I deserve

only when I finally felt better
and started asking
did you realize the damage I had
"I'm sorry I didn't know"

you never asked
just judged and pushed me aside
so I wont lean on you when I need it
so I will be completely
utterly
alone
Jun 1 · 278
Help
For once
would someone listen
here what I say and mean
not what was inked?

Would someone help
unravel this mess
help file correctly
help me live?

For one person
its another day in the office
for me
this is my life now...

If only this nightmare could end
May 29 · 72
"6 months"
So kind
Angry and venomous

Simple
Complex and tough

Smart
Lost the basics along with way

So bright
You miss the trace of tears

Perfect
Just point out the flaws once more

A voiceless plea
The breathes of two becoming one

A simple hope
A wish
And in the end

It ended that same as before
"Because it doesn't mater how many times you tell me, it only maters the one time I believe you"
May 29 · 44
DTG
DTG
A small prayer
A breathless plea
On the lips
of one on their knees

Will this work
Will this help feed and care
for those who can not care for themselves
is this where I am suppose to be

Perhaps
maybe
just hopeful
that I wouldn't end up

where I once was
May 28 · 50
Ghost
I saw you again
I was having lunch and you walked in
Ordered a pie to go
And then our eyes met

I got up
Your body was hunched
Your hair a mess
But your eyes were sunken

You went to hug me
But I held out my hand as anger burned
"I can not let you go again
Either you walk away
Or know that I never stopped loving you"

A soft tear fell
And the anger I had
Vanished as I shook my head
My voice above a wishper as I begged
Pleaded I was wrong

"She's home, but not sure if she's gonna make it tonight,
Thought pie would be sweet, since-
Since"
The tears fell as you wrapped me in your arms

The sentence finishing in my head
A small little thing
That we start when we were kids
Have a blast
And celebrate with pie

We stood their
Holding onto each other in the walkway
Tears falling down
As both of moaned the loss to come

Your scent sweet
Your strength surprising
But I felt at home


My phone alarm signals 8 am
I guess it was dream
A dream and a ghost
And nothing more
May 27 · 58
Only in a dream..
Your holding me close
Our bodies warm under the clothes
Nothing happening
Just silence under the blanket

Your warm smile
My soft giggle
Your eyes clear for once
And your whole body relaxed

All my scars sore from the hours before
Not where you found them open
But kissed and touched so tenderly

Your chest rising and falling
My fingers planing a tender solo on your arm
For once
It was just us

No expectations
No wishing we were different
Just us
Are we are


But like many hopes
The mirror has cracks and missing pieces
The reflection only one of a dozen around
Perhaps this is how our story was to be made

The one where it's two
Two souls destined to fall
Two mates found
But one
Refused to accept the other
And crushed the small ember of love

A sotyr where the ruthless
Cracks and breaks
The soul torn
Only for a part to find the other
When they give up all hope
Of ever living again

Oh what a story that shall be
One where your the love
And the fall

Oh what a nice story
I'll ink it tonight
The story so perfect
It only needed light

But alas
Just as stated in book 2
"I only can feel you hold me
When I shut the world out
When I have nothing
Only there
Can you love me
Before you turn and left me standing"
The first love is a hope, where the setting is placed.
The second and unwavering love, that's the true story.
Because we only have one life, I was lucky to find love twice. Soon I'll tell my story, the one I've tried for years, and then retire my pen and ink for my job will be finished.
May 26 · 59
Flowers
Simple and sweet
Carefully chosen
Freely given
But out of all the flowers I've received

I've had to show what's under my clothes more
Because showing skin
Is more then recieving flowers

But I really like flowers
And I really hate my body....

The flowers don't hold the bruises
The flowers aren't scared
The flowers
Are just
Flowers

Simple and sweet
And nothing more
Perhaps one day I'll receive flowers once more, for something other then a promise.
May 25 · 62
Wishing well
Oh sweet damp well
"Toss a coin and make a wish"
A simple saying
To loose a coin or two

But I have no money
Or a wish to spend
Just time
And hope for something more

A train started at one station
A stumble crash into another
Why must a heart
Be torn by two who it lost to love?

Oh dear well
Your age is shown by moss
Sweet flowers dot around
Watered by those who take to drink

The silence is a friend
But a emptiness still
Despite your water below
It's still quite up here

A longing
A hope
A promise broken

Wishing well
I have no money
But perhaps you may take
A ring and flower instead

Hear the hope
That there will be one
Whose ring doesn't darken
And whose flower doesn't wilt
May 22 · 63
Procrastination
It should be simple
do task
be happy

but instead my mind refuses to think about the task
doesn't want to find the drive to do it
Doesn't want to move
Just doesn't

But the task must be done
and maybe
with a little bit of hope
that it will be ok

maybe the task
once be so bad after all
May 17 · 50
Dying Breath
Barely a whisper
Controlled and smooth
finally at rest
finally free from the chaos

But as the breath fads
sirens come alive
screams and pleas
fall upon the deaf ears

the trajectory already set
the motion already made
she was happy
she was hopeful

but nothing could protect her
when her home was taken away
poisoned by few
the fire of fear destroying the rest

they made it clear
she wasn't welcomed anymore
so she did what they asked
she removed herself from being a "problem"

too little
too late
yet they get to walk on
no one batting an eye
at the woman IT killed
Because every story should be told, even if there is no happy ending.
Apr 21 · 73
Access Denied
Slowly
one by one
as Time ticks by. so dose the access
One by one
removed and blocked
slowly becoming hidden from view
back into the shadows I live in
your ease of use
your simplicity of speech
now dwindling

I gave a warning
I spoke truth
I didn't bring out the matches
but I like playing with more then just bombs
My fuses long, but they have burned enough
I didn't light the bridge of trust on fire
I just had it rigged

How much longer
till you hear nothing
but a dial tone
and the silence
you feared so much?
"i want you in my life"
"I care deeply about you"
"Your voice makes my day better"
"I am so ******* when it comes to you"
"I want you"
"I need you in my life"
"Please don't go"
"I, I love you"
"Just for me, please"
"Oh come on, its not that bad"
"I think you'll cute"
"Just for me, please"
"No, were not doing that"
"I will not do that"
"Because I said no"
"Why does it mater to you"
"Do you even love me?"
"Here let me make it up to you"
"Oh come on, don't be cold"
"It was just a joke"
"Why are you distant"
"Why don't you listen"
"Because I say it's so"
"Like you said, I'm all you have"
"In my house this will be the rule, no exceptions"
"You will do it because I say so"

Countless words
unlimited breaths
all for what
for history to repeat once more?

Not this time
Not this round
Not this year
I won't break under your thumb once more
Because for once, I am choosing myself
And learning to love myself
more then I could love
the false man you played
Your greatest fear, only coming true
You are more like him then you think
And I am glad I am not my mom
Once the clouds part, and sun shines down, only then can I see what damage the abuse caused. And how strong I am for getting out and not letting it continue.
Apr 18 · 78
Phantom
A thrill when together
A longing for more
The rush of adrenaline
The endless soul searching
Trying to fill upon the gaze of another

But the kind devil
And mean trickster
Have all vanished
And left the phantom in their place

A hope
A plee
But in the end it was foretold of pain
So why does it hurt when truth was shown
That you were nothing
But a ghost in my mind.....
Apr 18 · 158
A forgotten bitterness
Why am I broken?
Why am I traumatized?
Why can't I be loved?
Why can't I be safe?

I share my hopes and dreams
Only for the knife to be sharpened
As it gets pushed into my back...

Is this really suppose to happen
Or is it just the real life
Of my own plot

One where the happy ending
Isn't for the daughter.....
Apr 15 · 87
Just words...
Simple and sweet
a sugary high none can match
a endless taste upon the lips

a bitter cup
coated in venom
Endless torment from the remains

Constant attempts
dwindling hope
but in the end

there all just words
so why do they hurt
when told to stop?
Apr 12 · 192
Battle
A constant fight
A constant war
But in the end
was it really worth it?
Mar 12 · 81
Running from tomorrow
Stay up late
be as busy as can be
busy bee
anything to keep the mind distracted
Even as simple
as coloring and forgetting everything

if I stay up long enough
tomorrow doesn't come
and I can stay in the state
of peace and unknown

where everything is fine
and nothing changes
and tomorrow's worries
never come
Feb 28 · 78
A misunderstanding
So much emotion
So much built up

Neither understood
Neither tried

"Please, don't go"

A freeze
A solid wall collision
A phrase
Always said
Never heard

Hours of discussion
Building of a new

Understand both differences
A start
Of something only every dreamed

And though there are cracks now
I hope we can fill them for a better foundation
My daring devil
A fresh start
Feb 24 · 72
Endless story?
It was simple
so selfish in practice
a stroke here
a click of keys there

a simple story
a simple concept
both mine to hold
both with happiness

but is it really ok
to compare even in make-believe
and despite the end result

was it really make-believe
or my story all along

one where they do fall in love
only after one soul is completely broken

two books
two stories

a character that wasn't me supposed to be me
really fell for the human who hates angels.....
Feb 23 · 58
Silence killer
Endless stream
Comstant voices
Giggles and laughter
Now behind endless walls of stone

A request
A plee
Thrown back in shreds

Miles turned into inches
Hours turned into seconds
It was a shaky bridge being built
But the rot and chard remains still held

Now the distance greater
A time of need
Once more shut out
A desperate attempt
To keep the shards together

But the edges sharp
The cuts deep and swift
Endless silence
As the blood flows out
Feb 22 · 72
It wasn't the duck
Endless thoughts
Racing through a still body

The fear
The anxiety
Why is it
STILL HAPPENING

The torment
The pain
JUST LET IT END

The acceptance
The plotting
Yeah that will calm the head



Doomscrolling
And the carefully built wall
Cracks and breaks
Majority down
The building still stands

A random thought
Turned into fear of unknown
A possibility
Crushed under a shoe
Of what was to be expected

Two eyes now watch
From the desk it sits
The trash so close
But the hope still there
Crushed but not enough to trash

A shoulder throbs
Wrist sprained
But it was gonna be worth it
It would be worth it in the end, right?

Calm music
As a heart races
Tears flowing
And silent screams echoing in the empty room

I should be fine
But all I want
Is for the clock to turn back

Turn back when I was safe
Turn back when he was mine
Turn back
When I could finally break with someone

It wasn't the duck
No these scars run much deeper
The duck just floated down the stream
In the hurricane that followed
Feb 18 · 78
Rush
So much time
so little energy

so much to do
so much left undone

A step here
a waltz there

A endless dance
a fruitless night

A day here
a month there

a dollar paid
a penny earned

*** for tat
and that is that

such simplicity
in the complexity

to fully know
to understand

dive deep
swim in the shallow

Gaze here
gaze there

all the same
once at the end
Feb 10 · 113
If i said it sooner
"Your kind"
"Your gentle"
"Your smart"
"Your cute"
"Your funny"
"I like the time I send with you"

How to say
The truth I've relized
Knowing the pain it will cause
A reminder
A constant scar
All for the fear
Of what could happen.....
Feb 3 · 101
Burn it down
A simple request
To protect and uphold
A simple action
To look away and walk

Why did you leave
And yell and scream
Only to gas light and burn

But the forest is dry
The light very dim
I just wanted to sit and eat
To huddle and warm the my hands

You poured gas all over
Are you really that mad
That I dropped my match
When you pushed me down?
Jan 13 · 121
Whistle
Such a small voice
silent on the winds
the words silent
to those who turn away

a single promise
a single hope
a single flame

Gone out in the night
a single sound
upon the winds

She tried
and for what
a forgotten name on stone?
Jan 7 · 115
Wildfire
The action
innocent
The meaning
purposeful
the reaction
unknown

A single spark
A single question
A single bit of curiosity

And the carefully crafted house of cards
will come crashing down
because in the end
the house always wins

until their caught red handed.
Jan 3 · 87
Such a wonderful day
Full of hope
Full of dreams

I woke up bleeding
from the cut I obtained the night before
the silence of a phone
only echoing the loneliness

Thought everything would be fine
but my government failed me
And now after finally finding something
that was helping
I no longer can go

this was a good day
this was suppose to be a good day

and all I wish
is for it to end...
Jan 3 · 78
Trust on fire
A single phrase
Burned on the scar it created
A single action
A single thought

"Don't be sad"
My body shakes
The fear of the hit
Worst then the actual strike

"I didn't yell this time"
This time...
Will there be another?
Will I be punished again?
Will I be taken advantage of again?

"Are you you still hurt?"
As if a breath or two
Would fix the scar that's bleeding
The mind went silent
A default protection from the pain

The bones healed
But the mind couldn't
Such a fragile piece of thin ceramic
The cracks are there

Was this a hiccup
Or the beginning of another end?

The knife you hold is very sharp
Will I be cut again
Or will you put it down
My devil in disguise?
"What are we doing?"

I'm falling
I'm dreaming of you
I long for your touch
Your warmth
Your presence
A home we created
A home I can live in
Because despite everything
And every fight
I still choose you

My dreams use to be with another
A hope on a "one day" prayer
A longing for what I lost

And then you
Shattered my dreams
Shredded my mind into pieces
Made me question my worth
And I still go back to that night

Where actions were louder then anything else
Where I got to know
That love could be with another
And that I could trust another
So yeah
Longing
Falling
Smiling as a heart shatters

"What are we doing?"
"I don't know."
"Leave it to me to fall for the one woman on the continent I can never ******* have" -Xaden Riorson
Dec 2024 · 91
I should...
Happy
Hopeful
Excited
Giddy
Bouncy
Peaceful

And yet all I feel
is the knife back in my chest
that I first felt
a years ago
When I realized
I would always be second
Dec 2024 · 112
Pretty doll
It would be easy
hoping the words I wish to speak
find you in other indirect ways

But alast
only the truth comes out
years later on my silence
on why topics are limited

I cater to you
I've always catered to someone
its what I'm suppose to do
right?

Because my voice is small
because my thoughts and just second thoughts
because my wants, come second?

To be honest
I don't know which is worse
believing I could muster up a lie
or that this time

I'm the one who fell first?
Dec 2024 · 81
Too bright
Sitting cross legged
A soul begging for warmth
On the cold night
As the breeze blew by

Hoping that something
Someone
Would want them
For them
And could accept everything they had to offer

A freak occurance
A simple message
A broken and tapped
Still holding on
Olive branch

A promise
A friendship
Pick up where it was left

I thought I was smart
I thought I was strong
I thought.....

Simple actions
Brutal honesty
And images of what could be
Peek through

But the darkness swallows
Covers all the good
Barking and snapping
In the endless tornado
Of pain and misery

A truth
Shared between two
On a sleepless night
And the hope
The belief
Crushed

Because those that love so hard
Always burn too bright
For any candle to hold
More then just a spark......
I wish to be Penelope....
Even for just a day
Dec 2024 · 66
Uncontrolled chaos
The repetitive motion

So small
A toe in a shoe
Up and down
A beat of 120
In its own metronome

The bouncing of a leg
The calming movement
The concept of being ok
But is it
When it bounces like a bunny?

Then the hands
Knuckles knocking
So fast so long
Surprising the bones haven't chipped away like stone being carved

Simple
And completely uncontrollable
"Just stop shaking"
I would if I could
But like an out of control coaster
I just have to ride it out
Until the body crashes from exhaustion
Dec 2024 · 74
Where we left off
Such a simple act
Pure honesty
Pure trust
So swift
A single action
A dial tone

A voice
Hidden so far down in the depth of a mind
And the winds were the only salvation
The laughs
The jokes
The fun

But as the smiles falter
So too does the memories
So perfect
Under shattered glass
Every touch
Brings blood as payment

Cold nights
Wishing to be held
And flinching at the touch

What happened
What happened to a fearless mind
Surrounded by shards
Dec 2024 · 133
The impossible possible
So empty
So hollow
Yet still wishing
On the impossible to happen

Perhaps one day
Before years take their toll
And my hair turns grey
I will get to enjoy the lights

Soft glows in the night
A single color among them
A simple walk
Hand in hand

Ah yes
What a dream
The impossible is
Dec 2024 · 263
Such a fragile mind
Innocent and naive
Small and young
Pretty and warm

But the edges are frayed
The frame a little chipped
The wood spilt
And hanging by a thread

Stich and thread
Time and effort
So much strength
To and another thread
Onto that nail

One by one
A picture is hung back up
It is not what it was
Nor what it could have been

The wood has rot
The nail a little bent
But the picture still hangs
And beautiful and straight as ever
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