Oh to tell my story

One of triumph
One of misery

The one where the girl gets everything she wants
And the one where she is left with nothing

The one where I am happy to be me
The one where I hated everything I did

Oh to tell my story
The broken spite fuelled disaster success

Why that would take a lifetime
Are you willing to listen that long?

The roar of the crowd
only for a season

every event timed
every event judged

8 seconds
14 seconds
less then 2

all impressive in their own event
and many forget that the roar of the crowd
is only a tiny part of the lifestyle

Many hours
early mornings
late nights
working through weekends and holiday's

We all bow our heads before
praying we never repeat
that rainy day in Cheyenne

With live breathe and respect our game
but we never forget those that is took
nor the ones who got their start
in the Rodeo

Last night was full of pain
the agony of pulled ligaments
broken bone
social battery dead
Accepting that the fail would happen

Early rise
hope in the air
body still healing
but just numb to the pain
Fill the tank
grab a bite
only a $1 left in the account
till next week

The road long
traffic hell
the misty sprinkles
making me aware

Read to keep the mind at bay
Count down the time
act like nothing is wrong
despite the eyes

Put on the mask
same as before
"Hi how are you"
"No thank you, have a good day"
The environment still

but smiles and laughs soon filled the air
Getting a glimpse at what once was
filled the heart with hope
of finding it again

Walk out smiling
happy and fun
not admitting the prayers
that this could be the one

Body exhausted
Lack of food and sleep
sleep the day away
then the nightmares will stay at bay

A single call
clarification on already determined decisions
"We pick you, can you do it?"
Joy beyond compression
the body unsure what to do
after being numb for so long

Is this really happening
is this a dream
has the skipping meals
late bills
and fear of going under

finally found the light at the end of the tunnel?

She sat so peacefully
her hair slowly moving in the breeze
framing her face, so lost in thought

her pen writes words with such speed
you think they were her last
but the story had yet to be completed

At a table for one
so comfortable in her writing
and what ever world she was creating

Finally after the war in my mind was lost
and forever hung in the air on a scale
forever loving, or forever missing

I walked up
and said "Hi, may I sit?"

Late nights when my mind runs
The struggle to be productive
only to be frozen
Endless thoughts
and unable to act upon any of them
But to sleep is impossible
So I sit
paralyzed completely
funny how the times change ones mind

You try so hard
to be a horse in the heard
hide your horn
tuck in your wings

but the winds blew off your cover
tickled your feathers
and made you open your wings

Don't hide your differences
don't let them prey on you
embrace your difference
and step away from the heard

even if you are alone
it is better to fly above the clouds
then to be tied in the heard

The money is gone
food is small

"Do you want more?"
"No I'm full"

leftovers become tomorrows dinner
one meal a day helps stretch the thin amount

I have nothing
but the animals looking to me for food

please don't make me say goodbye
when their time is almost gone

please don't take the one
who helps when my mind is a prison

please don't take the little ones
their finally all getting along

Please don't let this end with the tears
of goodbye

please have something give
just even a penny

just something to put food
in their mouths
and payment for shelter

I can live off the snacks
turning them into meals as my body shuts down

but please don't take my children
please don't make me say goodbye before their final breath

"Did you loose weight?"
"You look so fit"
"I don't know what you did, but you look amazing"
"Man I wish I could look like you"

I stopped eating

not on purpose
but it was easier to pay rent
if I had 1 or 2 meals versus the normal 3

I started to loose sleep

Causing my mind to be on alert
and forcing my body to move
even when I am so tired

I just want to live
and yet I am punished for it
and praised for how good

sick looks on me

My brain runs
Tierd of sleeping
Tierd of the pain

And yet my body
Refuses to move

Simple things
So exhausting
Yet I can't sleep
For my brain does not brain right now

Such a strange thing
Standing perfectly in Night and Light

Such a strange occurrence
on a porch at night

Seeing both the options of life
Enter in blinding light
or embrace the shadow of night?

The known
The seen
Bathed in comfort
Bathed in Light

The Unknown
Shadows hold their nightly ball
Night becomes Darkness

Ones own being torn in two
Embrace the known
or face the Unknown

where everything is challenged
but only in darkness
can the smallest lights
burn the brightest

and one finds comfort once more
in the company they hold

"You doing ok?"

It was innocent
Came from a place of compassion
Empathy even
For the devastation thing called life

You call me a friend
Surprise I come when offered
Not knowing till later
No one else invites me for things

Despite the laughs
Despite the masterful smile I showed
You saw through it
Saw the pain in my eyes

The one thing I've begged for someone
Anyone
To do
And yet, I built that wall higher

The one of my own self isolation
The one where the past and present blur
The one, where no can hurt me if I'm alone

You were genuine
Kind
Caring in time of need
And I still lied to your face

What kind of friend am I
When I want to be safe place for everyone
And can't seem to let others do the same for me

Me, myself and I
The closest friends I have
What kind of monster have I become now?

Pinch here
spend there
everything way fine
until it all froze

I had budgeted
one more week
one more amount
that never came

Better job
Sell a house
All because
what I promised wasn't there

"Your lazy"
"Not good enough"
"Not trying"
but how can I try

when my government failed me
just because they want to yell at each other
instead of helping those
with a penny to our name

The desire to write is at my fingertips
my arms ache to paint
show the world what I hold in

my voice croaks to speak out
the words I swallow back

the "I miss you" that will never be heard correctly
the "I love you" that is gone
a empty grave
one must believes exist
just to live with hope

would it be too much
to ask to stand next to me once more
grant me the strength and love
I know is gone

but then again
I still love a ghost
the ghost who still lives

Simple words
effective meaning
such beauty
so easy

that would be a dream
type
speak
let loose all the words I believe
let them go
out into the world

for all to see
for all to love
for all to criticize
for all
to see me

If I called you once more
would you answer?

If I called you once more
would you hear the tears I struggled to hold back?

If I called you once more
would you give me the minute to accept the truth?

Would you let me be raw
for the first time in years?
would you listen to my walls crumbling?
would you
.
.
.
.
........would you still care?

I should feel more excited
and even though currently I am
I know it will not last

Once the night is over
reality sits back in
one more night of freedom
one more night to go out
one more night I can afford
not to worry, no doubt

"Live in the moment"
but how can one do that
when everything pulls me back
and nothing but one thing pulls me forward

From a past I miss
to a future I dream
can this excitement
really last
more then tonight?

"So why do you have that?"

Because I can't control my past
Because I can't stop my spirals
Because everyone has left me
Because people are scarred of me
Because inside I am a total mess
Because I barely hold myself together
Because I constantly am reminded of what happened
Because I was told I have to high standards
Because every guy used me
Because I don't know how to control myself
"Anxiety"

Its been months seen I've seen your face
yet I could see it clearly as the fence flew by
and that swift sweet moment
came rushing back in clarity

Was this my mind
accepting that I was moving on
or was this you
calling out once more
hoping that we salvage the destruction we created

My little devil
you still haunt my dreams
you still have part of my heart
but I need to find a new

I want the peace you search for yourself

Only
thats the common word now
only

only if
only then
only maybe

only

Could everything finally fall into place?
Could this only cliff
that I have been struggling to get to
finally be within grasp
and something I can stand on?

just only for a moment?

How to love you
when everyone sees something different

How can I love you
when you torment my sleep
make the daylight painful
and every moment full of guilt

How to love you
when everyone thinks your perfect
or some how amazing

And yet
I get the sleepless nights
the constant torment
and lack of security
on things that should be certain

Would they still love you
if they saw the cracks and holes
or would they be like me

and struggle to love myself