I thought it would be easy
putting myself out there
hoping to find a spark

but when I actually do it
All I can think of
is you

the warmth of your hugs
the comfort I felt at your touch
The softness of your kisses

All of it
is you
and I'll I'm doing
is chasing the ghost

of what will never be

I thought I could handle it
He didn't touch me that much
It was just one touch
And nothing more

But I didn't relize the anxiety I would have driving back
I didn't know the pain I would have
Standing in the same spot where it happened
I didn't think I was so good
At pretendeding I was ok

Until I started to break
The tears falling down my face
My legs shaking uncomfortably
My chest tightening

I struggled to breath
To remain calm
When I lost control of my body
And all thought was of the past

The past as a child
When it first happened
The past of a teenager
When it happened again, but worse
The past of a adult
Who just wanted to feel loved

I thought I was doing good
But maybe I lied to myself
And just got good
At bottling it up inside

I work to passing out
I can't sleep due to my mind still working

I struggle to understand
how the pain has become normal

Trying to phantom
that our efforts are but just a passing wind

Trying to gather the courage
to find my place

because the more I work
The more I understand

the more
you push me away

and blame it
on a lack of funds