Golden Feather
so light and pure
your light
casts away the darkness
simple yet strong
innocent in war
perfect and flawed
both the truth
simple and powerful
burn bright Golden Feather
and keep the monsters away
Tonight

You walk in my shadow
Your right out of eyesight
You are always next to me

Watching
waiting
patient for the right time

The right time when you can slither back in my mind
plant dangerous thoughts
reminding me once more
that I'm nothing

A nobody
a speck in everyone's else's lives
that will be blown away by the wind
and never missed

You tell me no one would care
Because no one cares now

The final jump
the relation of a step
the pull of a trigger

then it's over
and nobody is gone
forever silent

a marked grave no one visits
a corpse encased in stone

Who would care
if nobody disappeared

when nobody seemed to care
about a nobody

You have always been there for me
My protector
My teacher
My guider

You hold me at night when the world is mean
You remind me how beautiful I am
You always make me laugh through my tears

21 years it has been us
together we got out of the hell house
and learned how to live without pain finally

When the doctors first said there was something wrong
I was 15
15 living in a nightmare while trying to navigate high school
15 when you first talked about leaving me
But then you were fine
and we were happy again

Now I sit
21 listening to your problems
21 seeing you in pain
and hating every second of it
21 and barely holding it together

Doctors don't know what's wrong
and speak of testing and scans
the only diagnosis we got
makes my stomach knot

"Suicide Syndrom"

The words burn in my mind
and when you explain how you understand
why it has its name
I silently cry
terrified that
the strongest warrior that I know
won't fight anymore
and I will be completely alone

Please fight mom,
please stay with me one more night
just one more
night

We used to be so close
I used to call you a friend
A friend I never met
I trusted you with my heart
And we made time for each other

Now we don't talk unless I speak first
I send messages you never reply too
When I express why I'm hurt
you fix it for a day
before leaving me alone once more

Now I hope you can find time to talk with me
I hope that I am not an inconvenience to you
I hope that you still care about me

Yet when you've had a bad day
I stop what I am doing
I let you rant on about how bad work is
and when I tell you what's going on
I feel hopeful that I do matter to someone somewhere.

but then the silence comes once more
Showing no one does care
leaving me in the place

where I hope you find the time
that I make for you