At one time or another
I have smiled at the thought of you.

Know that you have been the reason for my tomorrow.

And my yesterday.

Remember this when all other things fade away.

Remember that you saved my life.

If I could write a poem
and be done with it,
I'd be done with it.

And done with it
I would be.

Stars above
be witness
to this love.

I give to you,
a gift to you.

Value in it's infancy.
All the way to infinity.

Ancient exchanges,
always finding ways
to outdo what it outdoes.

Up, down, all around,
in the air we breathe.

Needless to say,
in the words we heed.

And if it's words you want,
then let there be wars above
fought over nothing more
than a force of nature.

Pushing ever onward
in a race against Time and Space.

Opened with the skeleton key.
Through the door.

Now I see...
Free.

Or so we seem to be.

Do me a favor,
and save my life.

Tell me it gets better than this.

I walk on a razors edge.
Every step cutting new lines of red upon my feet.

Paying no mind to the taste of metal in my eyes.
Doing all that I can to pick myself up.

Knowing that if my toes do not callous soon,
I will become two halves of a whole.

And this chance I so desperately chase,
may as well be lost for good.

You
are
infinite.

Irreplaceable.

You steal the stars,
from the night sky.

You are paramount,
more so than my next breath.

I tell you now,

you make Love
immortal.

My words are gone.
You've torn them from my lips.

Every one.

Save for a single, suffocating "Goodbye."

And after the last syllable has been spoken,
infinite silence is what you left.

When you did just that.

I loved you for as long as I did.
I loved you for as long as I could.

Yet it mattered not in the least.

It never did.
It never could.

I've seen what is behind your mask.

You may not know it,
but you let it fall away
when we are alone.

I've seen your sorrow,
that grows ever steadily towards tomorrow.

I've seen the strife,
of how much you hate your life.

Yet...
I've also seen your heart,
and all the love it can impart.

You have no clue,
do you?

How easily my heart breaks.

How easily it shatters.

At the thought of loosing you.

Things that were not supposed to happen,
have happened.

And things that were supposed to,
have not.

And indeed,
such is the way of this world.

I don't know where I'm going.
I barely remember where I've been.

Tomorrow scares me.
Just like yesterday had.

Living in the moment seems...

Irrational.
Illogical.
Impossible.

But not doing so,
seems even more so.

I am afraid of today.
Afraid to live a dying life.
Each day,
and each night,
I hold on to a chance
that I could die a death worth living.

Here I am,
under pale blue skies,
talking to you again
up here in my head.

What seems to be
worlds apart.

Wanting nothing less
than Universes.

Yet I'm utterly aware
that the distance is merely miles.

Cursing every moment,
every pretended word,
every fleeting image.

Only because
I love it so.

Imagining us together...

Holding hands and exchanging vows.

Kissing and consummating.

To passionately conceive.
And to birth a passion.

To raise it,
and love it,
and watch it grow.

For us as well...
To grow old,
and love one another all the same.

And in it's own time,
to die at your side.

But for all it's worth,
to live a life worth living,
with you.

Yes, indeed.
Imagining us together...
It does not scare me.

Not one bit.

Not when I look at you.

Oh, how we were cast these roles.

Me,
the defender.

You.
the aggressor.

Yet we do nothing.

Not a single movement can be tied to this silent dance of ours.

The ice you breathe coats the walls.
And the fire I bleed,
seems too weak to melt it.

Through these desperate pleas,
I am rewarded with empty palms.

Together,
we created steam.

An escape for you.

Yet for me,
it will be a place
to hide the pieces of my heart.

If I keep running,
will I reach my destination?

If I sit here and wait,
will it come to me?

If I stop all-together,
will it bounce back like a boomerang?

And what if I ignore it...

Will it finally let me sleep?

He was lost.

So dreadfully lost,
between Life and Death...

That he forgot to live.
And he forgot to die.

Bite into your tongue
make it bleed.

Cut your lips wide open
make them seed
all the little beasts you hold inside.

Let them loose to grow on the world.
Scatter each one to a gust of wind.

And watch...
As your children find a new home.

Watch...

As you are truthfully defined,
by the lies you designed.

The wet smell of asphalt fills his nose,
as he lay there in the street.

In the street where he lay.
Dying.

This man.

He sits on my shoulder.
He whispers in my ear.
He tells me things.

Mad things.
Crazy things.
Insane things.

Things indeed!

Now I turn my head to listen.
Now I cross that silent line.

It is here that I cradle insanity,
like a treasure.

Here that the hate can flow freely.

Now I feel it...

The break in the brain,
that can never be mended.

Like Athena from Zeus,
this Little Mad Man
sprang from my head.

He was born from the mind,
and the death of a heart.

Blue is the sky.

Blue is the sea.

Blue are your eyes
that set my heart free.

She,
the beauty
gazed upon
He,
the beast.

To an avail
in that moment
of their youth,
of their lust,
of their passion.

They,
who in that moment,
shared not love,

but something more...

Something even the Universe cannot define.

All directions of wind
carry the howls of moon
across earth and sea.

Waking foul of air,
and beast of tree.

To me,
you are Athena.
Beautiful and strong and smart.
In every way.
And every way in between.

To me,
you are irreplaceable.

One of a kind.
A force to be reckoned with.

You hold a place in my heart,
that no one else can even remotely possibly imagine to fill.

You are my anchor in a wildly restless world.

In the best of times,
we make the worst team.

Yet in the worst of times,
we are the best of any.

Don't let this world weigh you down.

Remember that I am forever at your side,
whether you need me or not.

Through every dark hour.
And even the whitest lights.

Remember that I am here.
Right here.
For you.
Always and forever.

To infinity and beyond.

You are my sister.
Remember that I love you.

A hand over your eyes,
to surprise you.

A hand to your lips,
so that I can say those three words first.

A hand over your heart,
to warm it and to ease it.

A hand on your hips,
to feel you dance.

A hand on your soul,
to witness you full and true.

And not to forget...

My hand in yours,
to let you know,
that I will never leave your side.

That you are not alone,
when facing infinity.

And that I will love you,
for all eternity.

A hand offered in earnest,
to start a journey together,
in a world of endless possibility.

Long awaits the hour of death my son.

And so must be matched the minute of life.

Give it no heed to look it in the eyes,
as not to give it a gift of good health.

For it will take from you,
if presented the chance,
all that can be held close to heart.

Bring only 2 coins of gold pure.

One shall be given to the harbinger himself.

The other placed of center chest,
to deter and deflect his silver scythe.

Knock only once upon her door my child.
She takes not so kindly to a copy of one.

Unless if a twin you travel with,
in both body and hand.

Only then will she be so inclined to accept.

And when she does,
you must enter her humble abode.
Through a door of wooden gold.

Find what once was fog,
now a neon symphony.

Watch as she molds new creation.

Destined to meet old damnation.

So is the way of life,
in a cycle yet unbroken.

I tripped over my heart,
and fell into you...

****!

Now what do I do?

Talk to me,
for I am alone.

Take my hand,
for I am lonely.

Promise me,
for I am scared.

Hold me,
for I am fading.

Bury me,
for I have gone cold.

This night,
again unchanged,
I am alone.

With mind and brain
speeding,
speeding,
light-speeding.

My eyes probe the night sky.

Listening ever so intently,
for all the truthful lies they whisper.

All those tiny dots.

All those forgotten wishes of old.

One by one,
they fall back to earth.

To be shattered by the mountains.

Or to be drowned by the oceans.

What was once bright,
is now dead and broken.

There once was a man
who often ran
from all his life,
for it was filled with strife.

One day,
with mind astray,
he stumbled and broke a leg
on an uneven protruding peg.

Down and down he fell,
upon a bed of eggshell.

Bleeding out his heart,
hoping that it would turn to art.

Instead,
it turned to lead.

So he did
what he had done as a kid.

Squeezing his brain,
causing himself to go insane.
And in a last resort,
maybe possibly to abort,
he bent his knees
and begged his pleas
to the entirety of his soul,
Asking only for a loophole.

Up and out of this hell.

I tell you...

I love your laugh,
and the twinkle in your eyes.

I love your hips,
and the way they sway.

I love your smiles,
and the dimples they leave behind.

I love your hair,
and the way it flows down your back.

I love your voice,
and how it soothes my mind.

I love your eyes,
and all the subtle colors within.

I love everything about you,
and anything that you could ever be.

I tell you...

I love you
and all that you are.

I continue to write.

To spill.

To bleed.

In hopes that you will read,
and absorb,
and comprehend,
what I desperately try
to tell you.

To cry out to you.

To shout to you.

What I want you to see...

What I hope that you will see...

What I need you to see!

But deep down,
deep within,
I know that my voice is silent.
I know that it is futile.

Just as is
my time on this planet.

Just as is
My love for you.

Just as is
This breath in my lungs.

Just as is
the need to speak these words
that I wish to tell you.

I remember when
we used to play pretend.

Running around the house
was our time.
For us, and no one else.

Often we would play "War,"
with guns,
and tanks,
and planes.

One of us would pretend to die,
one of us would pretend to win.

The victor would stand over the body of the other.
Arms would be raised in triumph.

But on this day,
I stand over your body once again.

Not in triumph,
But in turmoil and misery.

I am not the winner of a pretend game...

Instead,
I am the loser of this reality.

A pawn to this sick existence.

I realize now,
that this is for real.

I cannot bring you back with tickles and laughs.

Not this time.

You are gone,
and I would give anything
to have you at my side
one more time.

I need an ally
to help me fight this war.

This war that I face alone.

Stay away!

You have hurt me.

More than I thought possible.
More than words can describe.

The wounds you inflict
are not the kind that leave scars.

Worse...

They leave memories.

I have read,
once upon a time
somewhere,
sometime,
that I'm supposed to tell you
how I feel about you.

And I begin to think
that he who wrote what I read,
did not have me in mind when he did.

For in my outlook,
you are so far beyond words
that it is almost a sin
to try.

So when I shut off reason
and say what I need to say
before it kills me...

Please know,
that I was once told
to tell you how I feel about you.

Even if it drives you away.

I planted a plant once,
without knowing.
I could not see it,
for it was metaphoric.
But when I was informed of its presence,
I watered it with the best efforts that I could muster.

And I soon forgot,
That I was blind to it.

Blind to how much water it needed.

Blind to which way it leaned.

And blind to how ill it had become.

Needless to say,
that I killed it.

Now,
all I wish,
is that I had it back,
to the way it was before.

So that I could try again,
and grow a forest
from something that was once dead.

This dark room is my life.
It is all that I have ever known.

In it,
I am blind to who I truly am,
and I prefer it this way.

I thought it was safe.
I thought it was solid.
I was wrong.

It cracked,
It broke,
and it shattered.

Down,
down,
down it came.

Amongst the rubble of my solitude,
my home,
here I stand.

A monster among men.

Let me imply
that if I'm to die,
it will be on my own terms.

I insist,
need be even with my fist,
that I tie the noose myself.

My foot
will give its input
to the bucket.

And for a single moment
I will be buoyant
among atoms of air.

In the next I will fall,
with my shadow against the wall.

My feet will never again touch the floor.

The rope whispers one last twang
as I hang.

Eyes loose luster.

My life has burnt like Magnesium.

Fast and bright,
like the speed of light.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff,
with arms outstretched to the wind.

Beneath me, crash the waves of the unknown.

Within me, clash the waves of uncertainty.

My heart urges me to jump,
because it is blind to the signs of risk.

Yet my mind longs for me to stay,
because it is deaf to the shouts of reward.

So I do what any sensible man would do...

I flip a coin
and chase it over the edge of the world
to find the answer.

It is the shadow
that walks beside you.

It is the boogeyman
that waits under your bed.

It is the monster in the closet
that watches silently as you sleep.

It is the shiver down your spine
that leaves the air around you cold.

It is the "tick" of the clock
that wakes you up in the middle of the night.

It is the lonely howl of the wolf in a frozen winter,
that echos through the dark dead forest.

It is the silence of the tall mountain
that blocks all light from the world.

It is the lasting quiet of the room at night
that makes you pull the covers over your head.

It is your ultimate fear.
And it never leaves your side.

It is your harbinger
that will deliver you
into a cold
everlasting
black.

Long has been this night.
With the wind
and it's freezing white.

Long has been this night.
With the moon
and all it's gleaming light.

Long has been this night.
With the dark
and all it's endless might.

Long has been this night.
With the silence
and it's unrelenting bite.

Oh, how they war.
The small soldiers of Thought and Action,
in the dome of my mind.

Who will win the battle,
to go down in history?

All for and nothing more
than for a thing once said...
Or a thing once done.

Love...

It isn't what you think.
It's much more than that.

And that too.