Today she wrapped her arms around her fear, and she thanked it

Yesterday, as she lay in bed, and during a new meditation she'd found, she was reminded of her fear.
This fear, is of not being good enough for people to love.

She craves for love, like many of us do.
A lost but familiar drug.
It haunts her, yet she is unable to fully accept it when it appears.

To the outside, all looks great.
She has a new man, or a new friend.
And immediately, crashing waves of love, she hurls at these people.

She pushes them way up high, and fills them with pressure.
The pressure of healing her.
Of gathering up her pieces and gluing her together with their love.

There is a pattern. It's rooted as deep as the memories of an old spirited tree. A tree rooted over too many years. Struggling to stand with the knowledge embedded within itself.

Then once again, she meets someone. And she falls in love ❤️

Her ego dances with joy. Her heart somersaults in ecstasy.
Her fear is gone? Or so she feels. And all in her magic kingdom is beautiful again.
The grey walls of her life are a dazzling bright white. And she is free.
This person she then fills with her desperate love, her hopes and dreams, and her need to quieten the fear, until they can't breathe, bursting at their seams.

This 'filling up' of people, wears them down. The relationship rips at the edges. She senses this and her fear applies more pressure within this filling up.
The torn seams become gaping black holes.
And she has lost.

The pattern needs to be broken.
The fear wants her to hear it, to take notice. And so it sends her love after love followed by rejection after rejection.
Until she hears it banging on her soul.

So she is teaching herself to love this fear. To read it as an old book and to learn from its pages.
As each time her heart is broken, rejected. It is fear teaching her that she doesn't yet love herself fully.

The heartache is there to remind her that there is still much work to be done.
That there has to be this darkness, to let the light in.
That trying to hide from the pain, resenting it, or getting angry with it. Does not serve her.

She will have love; she will find her magic and she will let in the light.

Today she wrapped her arms around her fear, and she thanked it.

Love is the answer ❤

She was strong now.
She stood taller than the mountain that once towered above,
where down on her knees,
she used to pray.

The days she'd knelt down and curled away from the light,
were a distant memory.
Now the light flooded her,
until the tips of her fingers fizzed
with the new life she held inside her soul.

She'd written away the fear from deep of inside herself.
She'd written until all the ink, in all the pens she owned had run dry.
Until her fingers bled and her mind emptied.

She stretched out and then she held on tightly to the love that now engulfed her,
and she smiled.

A small joy had revealed itself and she danced to the sound of long awaited relief.

She was now the mountain.
She would endure all weathers. She would house those in need. She would search deeper inside of herself,
of her heart and she would become kinder,
more understanding,
and would bestow more love.

There were still times when she had to fight.
Times during the storms,
when she just wanted to let go and return to the old familiar patterns,
and the safety of her old misery.

But she did not return,
not fully.
And she knows she never will.

Love is the answer ❤

Did you pray for me
***** knees
Spliff hanging out
Smoke in the breeze

Did you pray for me
Lick the glass clean
Bottle empty
Last night just a dream

Did you pray for me
Old hands upon your skin
Allowing them inside you
Self respect gone from within

Did you pray for me
Rolled twenty in your hand
Powder running low
This wasn't what we'd planned

I prayed for you
Your heart smashed on the floor
The men that were too old
The drugs and your lust for more

I prayed because I love you
And I know you love me too
Deep behind your wounded soul
Life returning back to view

I pray because we are one
We can't survive alone
I pray because you are enough
It's time now, please come home.

The ones you don't see...

We dream dark,
we dream deep,
we dream awake
whilst you sleep.

Reality is our loneliness
Our fantasy is real,
We'll take whatever we can,
just as long as we don't feel.

We live off adrenaline,
we don't know how to not,
We'll do anything it takes,
to make the emptiness stop.

There are many of us living,
but you'll never know who,
We walk, talk and smile,
just like the rest of you.

But our hearts are on fire,
And we need to feel alive,
we're the Clyde to your Bonnie
or the Bonnie to your Clyde.

We only come out at night,
Just as the darkness falls,
there is no point in fighting,
When the darkness inside us calls.

We will jump when we have to,
The stars our ours to take,
We are the writers and the artists,
We hide before you wake

You'll find us in the shadows,
Hidden behind our dreams,
Our minds dreaming of far-away lands,
Our hearts ripped at the seams.

We are misfits, we are outlaws,
the ones that you don't trust,
But if you're lucky to be one of us,
our friendship is a must.

We can not be tamed,
And we never fall in love,
Unless you are the one,
And only then
We never give up.