Okay, so maybe I haven't showered since Monday,
way behind on ALL of my assignments, didn't even finish half of my essay which is due in 17 minutes
BUT
I still got out of bed
I wrote the outline for the paper
I saved two honey bees with paper and a Starbucks cup
that's something.
It barely counts as functioning, but it kind of does.
I am trying

I am breathing

I am doing the best I can

And that has to be enough, it has to be enough for today. Because right now that kind of all Ive got. Oh geez 14 minutes, to be honest I am kind of panicking.... She gonna go over my essay and be disappointed, I want to run. I cant run, if I run then I get another zero. If I get another zero- Okay okay. Stop! Breathe, good. Youre spiraling more than if you give a mouse a cookie. What is your life now "If you give Carissa a 0,"? Deep breaths me, deeeeeep breaths.  

See now I am trying REALLY hard not to spiral and all of these random anxieties are flitting through my head and everytime I go for one I let go of another. 10 minutes


10 minutes
whoooh boi
I am not ready

Write Write Write
Erase
Nothing I type makes sense
Erase
Nothing I type makes s
Nothing I type ma
Nothing I typ
Nothing I
Nothing
Erase
Erase
Erase
I should be working on my essay
I haven't even finished the first page'
its due at 1:30
its 12:40
I am *******
All I can think is
Do you remember those giant erasers?
You know, the ones we played with in elementary school?
No?
Okay, well just imagine a normal eraser, but HUGE. Bigger than your hand! Just do that, for me, for just one second.
Anyways, one December I was playing with my friends and for Christmas Sandy got one--
                                   --Are you imagining?
And she pretending to erase me, at first I laughed
but as the day went on everyone went along with it
they all acted as if I was invisible. As if I hadn't ever existed. I cant recall if I cried but it got to the point that I started to believe it. To question my reality, if I ever really existed, and obviously I did, do, but then I asked myself... If they could so easily let me go, let me disappear? Did any of this, did they, did I, did we even matter?
                                                                  "What are we getting at here?"
"That's it,"
                                                                   "That was the big ******?"
"Yup."
                                                    "Geez, but like what happened next?"
"Well,"
                                                                     "Mhmmm?"
"the next day I existed."
                                                               "Oh,"
"Disappointed?"

                                         "Kind of, I thought thered be a conclusion..."

"Nope,"

                       "Hey, don't you have an essay due in like 30 minutes?"
"****."

The warning signs were all there
Was I too blind?
Or
Too stubborn to see them?
Last night while I kissed a boy
You bought a gallon of gasoline
Last night I was lifting weights
You doused the inside of your car
Last night I jumped in the pool
You sat in your car and held a lighter
While I held my breath
You released yours
While my body froze in the icy waters
You were ready to light yours on fire
When I got the call
I felt my heart fall
The flame didn’t ignite
Your heart is still beating
You are alive.

You are a good looking man
You pack me a lunch box every morning
but it is filled with poison
A kiss on the forehead keeps me coming back
You are too sweet, sugar in my veins
I am too tired to see
You are slowly killing me
This path I am traveling is already paved
When I come home too late
You are waiting by the door

one

      two

              at the count of three

this pregnant pause will birth

                  a bruise across my cheek

I wear a wry smile
a flower drenched in red
pain overshadowed by you
you play the florist
but all you do is cut my blooms
and drown me in tears
you have a knack for playing the hero
so go on and shine
while I stay and wither

I want to be more
You ask me what we are
I squeeze your hand
  ….I want
              Walks on the beach
                         Ice cream dripping from our lips
                                   the summer heat beating down on us
                Roller coaster rides
                        Fear building up inside me
                                     But it's okay because you're right beside me
                Midnight drives
                          Safe from the winter chill
                                    In the comfort of your coat
                Spring gardening
                           Covered in dirt and mud
                                     And I'm wearing your old shirt
Instead I smile and wait
I wait for an answer,
  an answer I don't want to hear
You say you're confused
You say you don't know
I promise to wait for you
To let you figure out how you feel
My pride falls to the pit of my stomach
More than anything I wish I could *****
I want to run away from your car
But I don't want to leave your side
This is more than lust
It's more than a friendship

  I WANT us to be more than a brief comet ablaze in the sky
                 and gone in the blink of an eye

Flashing Lights
Pink glow stick on my wrist
Blue on yours
You take my hand and spin me
'round and 'round
We collapse into one another
Being with you is always a win
My favorite boy
My best friend
From dancing at PRIDE
to laying on the couch
We always meld
Near or far
No matter our fights
I'll keep sending my love
Because you send my heart
'round and 'round