I shut off my phone
I locked my bedroom door
I closed my eyes
for as long as I could
but life didn't disappear

We are prisoners to
our comfort zones

I've got your eyes locked on me now & I can feel every drop of the hot pain pouring from them. You are longing for a glance returned but I am busy sending all of my loathing to the boy staring at my hands from across the fire pit. His knees are alligned with mine & she's lounging between them. I'm so sick of hating every inch of him. I swore I'd stop but his lips are bleeding from that bite she gave him and I don't think I can. I'm sitting on your lap and I know just what you're thinking. You're breathing down my neck like you're begging. I'm begging to get out of this life. For all the pain that I distribute, there's gotta be some feeling left for me but I can't ******* find it. . I wish I could love you as hard as I loved him. I wish I could love you as hard as I hate him. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could love you at all. I wish I could feel the butterflies that are floating in you. I could tell that they're making a scene beneath your skin by the eager path your finger tips take up and down my spine. Sweetheart, for the agony I will inevitably feed  you at the end of this, I'm so sorry

His voice is lightning
It shines its pretty light like
a flickering candle through
the Earth's darkness
Just before it strikes
with a bitter surge of violence
And your left confused
So jaded by its ups & downs
that you lock the doors
at a light drizzle of rain
or a small gray cloud
With every reminder of him
You build your walls taller
with steel and stone
Oblivious to the fact
That not every pretty light
In the sky intends to strike you...
To hurt you

I didn't ask to be like this,
Sitting on a bar stool in south Philly,
Hoping no one notices the water in my fist
Because I don't drink,
And I can't decide if that matters

I didn't ask to be like this,
Counting tiles as I walk through them,
Hoping no one notices
the concentration in my teeth,
Because I can barely breathe,
And I can't decide if I want to

Liking the rain doesn't make you interesting,
it makes you half-past 20 in northern PA,
And saying whatever is on your mind
doesn't make you edgy,
It makes you obnoxious...
It makes me think just maybe
You talk a little bit too much,
And tequila shots don't make you brave,
They make you sound like an 18 year old,
Just as lost, just as confused, just as scared-
But less articulate for sure,
Your matte red lips aren't deep,
Your matte red lips match mine
& every other woman in this ******* bar,
I didn't come here to talk about acid trips,
Or the hypocrisy in your politics,
I didn't come here to make friends,
Ever think I just wanted to sit?

I haven't spoken a word out loud
In six weeks and three days,
So I'm sorry if my voice shakes

I don't go outside for much anymore
So I'm sorry if your blinded by my complexion

I work at a nursing home
And I'm nearly as dead
As the patients,
The failure in my brain
Is a little different
But I'm equally exhausted
By my inadequacies

Without a lack of trying
I'm begging for the strength
To slit my own throat,
Because I don't feel like
Showing up for an other day

My diagnosis is a list 6 pages long
Full of initialisms that
end in the letter "D"
For Disorder

And I promise my tattoos
Are not an invitation for conversation,
So don't look so confused
When I get up and walk away
From you

I keep telling my boyfriend
Not to fall in love with me
Even though I've been
In love with him all along

I keep telling my boyfriend
To protect himself
Because I've been on my way out
Since I turned sixteen,

I say,
"I never thought I'd make it to
twenty-two, but please remember
I didn't stay to be with you"

I'm always trying to save
Bright eyed people,
Full of swirling galaxies,
And light
From the way I seem to
hallow them out,

I'm sorry I stayed in bed
With the tick inside my head
Again this week,
Don't forgive me

It's a beautiful night
and I wish it was enough
to keep my mind from racing
It's getting warmer
and I wish it was enough
to melt the ice in your veins
You've been listening to too much
Nirvana
I've been thinking too much
about what you've been doing
I used to argue with you
for chain smoking on the edge
of your bed
at 3 in the morning
If you saw me now
you'd call me a hypocrite
And I'd probably laugh it off
Like I wasn't ashamed of
the way I've been living
Last May
I covered my scars in tattoos
Cause you said it'd stop me
from making new ones
But you didn't calculate
how much flesh is on a human's body
If you saw me now
you'd ask me how
I let it get this bad
And I'd probably act like
I knew the answer
Ha
I heard you got lost on the way
to your new job
and turned around
Well
I know
I was always the first
to call you stubborn
But
If you saw me now
You'd call me a ******* hypocrite
*Cause I've been lost for so long
And I can't remember the last time
I stopped to ask for directions

You left crumbs in the butter dish
And empty cereal boxes in the cupboard
You left all the lights on
And the bed unmade
You left the ash tray full
And your hair on the floor
Of the shower
You left my tank top hanging over the lamp
Where you threw it
You left your belt on your jeans
When you dropped them
Carelessly
Into the hamper
You left poems
All over my thighs
In Sharpie marker
You left fresh coffee
On my dresser
And kisses
On my forehead
And then you left
Me
Desperately craving all of it
And not knowing how to live
Without it

I am the most self aware when it rains
This pit in my stomach grows
deeper than the blood in my veins
And I can feel every inch
of absence that lingers
in the space between my fingers
Parallel lines of exhaustion
and depression fall into a figure eight
And at the point of intersection
you can find me buried
in too many years of self-hate
Begging for a case of amnesia
to take these memories away
Or at least a shot of anesthesia
to ease the pain if only
for a single comfortable day

he calls himself
an addict
but hasn't touched
a needle
in three years
if you ask him why
he'll say
"once a cheater
always a cheater
even if you
cheat once
and spend
your whole
life single"

There was an ocean
beneath your skin
I'd splash around from time to time but
I couldn't seem to stir your waters
You held your tide,
calm and soft behind your tongue
for years on end

Until one night
The pain hit just right
Your winds blew violently
And your waves came
building from your core
They crashed o'er your eyelids
And broke into my knee caps
I swam in you until
our skies were the same shade of blue

But then one night
The pain hit just right
I tripped all over your words
They pulled me in deeper and deeper
Until I lost my breath
And drowned in your chest
Oh, how I sank for you

I rest here now
Under a brand new sky
But I swear sometimes
When the pain hits just right
in the middle of the night
I can still feel myself choking on your life
Oh, I swear
I cough up salt water from your sea
when I can't sleep

I'm afraid of losing you
I'm afraid that I already have
I'm afraid that if I never had you
I'd fade away from day to day
In a consistent stream of apathy
I'm afraid of the dryness in my throat
every morning at five am
I'm afraid of the cigarette between my fingers
an hour later
I'm afraid of the quivering in my hands
When I run out of coffee
I'm afraid of my closet
I'm afraid of the sizes in my clothes
I'm afraid of the way my friends think
I'm afraid that they don't think at all
I'm afraid of the drugs in their cabinets
I'm afraid of the drugs in their veins
I'm afraid of the silent pain that is too often
conveyed in a stranger's eye
I'm afraid of the people I work for
I'm afraid that they don't know how to love
I'm afraid of love
I'm afraid of my bedroom
I'm afraid of every man who's slept in it
I'm afraid of the people who
don't have the things they need
Equally afraid of the ones that have everything
They want
I'm afraid that nothing out here is right
I'm afraid that I made it that way
And I'm afraid that this fear
Just isn't enough to make me change my ways

Why is it so incredibly easy
to do the things that we know
will inevitably hurt us?

I said
I just don't believe in words like '*****'
You said
*see that's just the problem with our world
No one seems to believe in themselves anymore

Vulnerable enough to love everyone
but never naive enough to
expect anyone to love me
Because
I sat on her front porch
and rubbed her back
for three hours,
drove home in the rain
when the morning came
Never heard from her again

Good morning,
It's a beautiful day
to romanticize my own death

Good morning,
My brain is doing this
Brand new ****** up thing
And it's hardly 8 AM

I used to know how to float
Now I'm drowning

I used to know how to keep my distance
Now my feet are dangling over the edge

And I have this constant feeling in my stomach
Like I'm already falling

And I'd ask you to talk me down
But we haven't been talking

And I'd ask you to hold my hand
But you can't reach me
From where I've been hiding

I don't know
What it is
About this bed
That's begun to feel
Like a coffin

I drink coffee at night
And pills in the morning

I am tired
But not for a
Lack of sleeping

My dad has a doctorate degree
In civil law

I'm 22 and a freshman
With very little direction

I've been disappointed in myself for so long
But I haven't done much to change it

I thought maybe yoga
Would enlighten me
But I don't like the way
My body looks
When it bends

I thought maybe
A boy could save me
From feeling ugly
But he doesn't like they way
My body looks
When it bends

And he doesn't say it

He doesn't say much at all

But I could tell,

I was born intuitive

And I've been trying
Lately
To shake it

Cause everyone's thoughts
Are cold and painful

And I don't wanna see them
Anymore

I get paid
to bathe people,
to feed them,
to do their laundry,
And to make them smile,
But they still tell me
Right before they fall asleep
At night,
Right before I finally get
To leave them,
That I'm going to Hell
For the pictures in my skin
That I thought I needed
When I got them

I just wanna love something

I just wanna feel loved sometimes

There's a broken heart
on my right bicep
With a banner through it
That reads "myself"
And I'd say it's pretty honest

I've been breaking my own heart
Since I learned how to be
Introspective
When I was eight

I've been breaking my own heart

I just wanna be kind
To myself
And to the boy
Who holds me
And to the friends
Who call me
And to the family
Who supports me

I just wanna be kind
To my mind
And to my body

Show me how
To be decent

I'm so cruel
Anymore