We've been passing bottles between these leather couches since we were old enough to hang out
without a babysitter

All of a sudden all those distant things
we fantasized about while getting drunk for the
first time have developed lives of their own
and climbed into our's...
all ugly and distorted
from what we had imagined
through our hazy mind's eye....

Now I'm looking at your hazy eyes
all worn out and confused
And I can feel my heart breaking
beneath my skin
The cage that shelters my blood,
cracking all over
As your smile fades into
the apathy of a tired agony

I swear this empathy will be the death of me
A love so excruciatingly deep that it can feel
every heart beat that your's skips
And it overwhelms me
Your pain is the most misplaced of mine
I don't understand why
it aches so deeply to see you ache at all
And you're not the only one
No
Look around
At the people we've become
I'm crying for everyone

Maybe I'll take this mental break down outside
Smoke a cigarette in the fetal position
& let out several piercing cries
Try not to choke on my own tears
As they flood endlessly into my thighs
Maybe I'll lie down on my bed for hours
Thinking,
'What else is new?'
While staring at my ceiling tiles
Wishing I never met any of you
Or hey maybe I'll finally follow through
& sleep underwater until my skin turns blue
Cause my life is starting to
look like a ***** accident
And I don't know what the **** to do

I've been lying in bed for fourteen hours
Sick again & I can feel my organs shifting
tucked underneath my aching bones
You tucked me in & kissed my forehead
Your lips blistered on the spot
Skins so hot, you'd swear my skull is melting
I've been doing better all wrapped up in
your blue sheets- counting all of the gentle spaces
between your veins that I've yet to fall in
Your hands tower over my fingertips
at your knuckles & you think it's funny
when I stand on the tips of my toes to
reach your smile
I'm looking at the tired skin that lays over
the back of your neck through those
one inch clear plugs in your ear lobes
And tracing every inch of your inked calves
With the front of my inked feet
The sun is warm as it swallows your bedroom
through the pretty little window in your ceiling
I'd surrender every record I ever bought
just to have the strength to climb out;
To taste some clean air today
Well, thank god for your butterscotch eyes
The only scenery I could fall into & float away

I have ink where my skin should be.
You trace it with your finger tips
every time you kiss me.
There are planes and sky scrapers
where the stars should be
in this cluttered city.
I pulled over at four in the morning
Lit a flare & lied down in the middle of the road.
I watched the sky fade
from black to gray and back again.
I counted the long faded, white scars on my wrists & my thighs until the morning sun swallowed me.
You counted unread text
messages as you sent them.
One
Hey where are you
Two
Please I'm worried
Three
Not this again
Four
I can't do this tonight
Five
Please don't
Six
Please don't **** yourself
Seven
I love you
Eight
I'm calling the police
Nine
Just make it through this night
Ten
Call me in the morning
****** sweetheart,
I did it again.
I'm sorry.
I fell off of the planet.
I melted into the night.
Please believe me angel
when I say,
I'm not going away from here.
I'm just going ******* crazy.

My knees are bruised and aching
Who am I kneeling for
I feel weak from down here
You taught me nothing but
how to surrender
You painted self loathing like moral gold
So now you've got me looking down
like I gotta watch my step
if I wanna get to heaven
Trip up and there's some fire waiting
Well I'm so sick of tip toeing
So, I left your book on your tired dresser
I hope you like blood stained wood
Those pages are ******* dripping
And I'm washing my hands
Before I touch my best friend who kisses boys
Cause ****, he is loving someone
You wrap your pinkies around a
cross that's got you promising
to hate everyone
Set my flesh on fire
But you can't tell me where I fit in
because I'm the only one who knows
The hidden corners of my puzzle piece
And I won't let you bend them

One!
This kid was an airhead. Curly brown hair & piercing blue eyes. Big, toned arms. Bulky thighs. He was clumsy falling all over me. I could feel his saliva collecting into a pool on my tongue & eventually draining down my throat. Dime sized bruises coated his knuckles. He put them there. I kissed each one. But that was years ago... he barely remembers me now.

Two!
His hair was screaming for us to look from across the room when we first saw him. Deep blue & shoe polish black hues stemming from his scalp. But his voice shook on its way out and then trailed away before it hit our ears. When his shirt came up over his head he was nervous. And when it hit the floor, he was scared.  A single file line of seven deep red gashes on his shoulder. He put them there. I kissed each one. But that was years ago... he barely remembers me now.

Three!
He was always laughing. He found comedy in tragedy and humor in hatred. His Mohawk, awkwardly tall. A pretty face underneath it all. Tired eyes when the smile fell & sadness behind the veil. Red and white blisters all over the tips of his fingers. He put them there. I kissed each one. But that was years ago... he barely remembers me now.

Four!
He was too old for me. Bored lips, creamy skin. Cold and drunk when I walked in. Well-read and unknown. He slipped under my sheets and wrapped his arms over my ribs. Two black & blue eyes staring into mine. He put them there. I kissed each one. But that was years ago... He barely remembers me now.

Five!
Vacant eyes. ***** hair. Strong arms. All dope-sick and wired. I heard him sigh into my neck like he was starting to think. Holes in his veins from the insides of his elbows, on down to his wrists. He put them there.  I kissed each one. But that was years ago... He barely remembers me now.

Six!
Violent green eyes. Bloodshot, attentive and forgiving. He lifted me onto the sink. I've been here before. Between his warm arms and versed hands, the world was shutting out in the background. I had scars all over me. From my whining eyes to my breaking toes. I put them there. He kissed each one. He slipped inside, quietly. His lips begging me. He held his confusion at bay. He never let it show its face. But I crept into the rooms he shut doors in front of & found all of his loathing there. That was years ago & I wish I could forget him now.

I was born scared & confused
We are the same
You were born kicking & screaming
We are the same
Since day one you've been a reckless fighter
I swear some days your blood is so hot,
it could burn through your skin
I've always been a nervous wreck
I swear some days my eyes are so lost,
they could fall out of my head
But Dear,
we still held onto each other for dear life
You pulled me carelessly into your veins
until I melted with your blood
I tip toed you softly down my spine
until you grew over my bones
We spent years staying up all night
Shivering into a downward spiral
You painted your frustration under my eyelids
I painted my fear on the backs of your hands
You always knew the pain from me
Plus the pain from you
would just be too excruciating in the end
But I begged,
"I'd rather hit rock bottom in your arms,
then soar on lonesome clouds,
always looking longingly down"
Well you just shook your head
And quickly said,
"Our Hell is the love
that we feel,
but cannot keep"
Looks like you were right
But ****, I'm missing you again tonight

To realize that you have power over your pain
is one of the most comforting & liberating
things a person can do.

To know that the steps you are taking
are positive even when your heart is breaking
is sometimes the only way to stay sane and safe
in this life

I don't want to feel like **** anymore
so I don't have to...
to find that level of simplicity
in complex tragedies
is the best thought to fall asleep to

And to come to terms with your tears;
To accept that you are human & crying
does not translate weakness in any way
shape or form, will heal the wounds
if you let it...

Such a simple reaction our body
has to discomfort makes all of that
******* we are carrying
100x lighter
Doesn't that make you feel okay?
That your body wants you to be okay

Because you can't make someone love you
But you can sure as Hell love yourself