Your dimples like the ocean,
carved out of the earth in perfect ovals,
deep, pale, and inviting
only present themselves
when I need their warmth
most desperately and
I've always been kind of
uncomfortable with the way
I look in my bathroom mirror,
absolutely soaked in flaws
illuminated dramatically
by daunting white fluorescent lights
but I have to say
I like the way my face looks
kind of soft and easy when
I catch a glimpse of it
all tinted green in the reflection
of your eyes

You are smoking a misty rose
with your legs crossed in front
of a sliding screen door
and the way the sun hits the
small blonde hairs on your thigh
makes you seem kind of
vulnerable but then again
you are breathing fire,
quite literally
and the biggest star
in the sky has
come just to
touch you where your
strength collects most
vividly,
I think it is absorbing you,
I think it will be so bright today
that flowers will break free
from the earth & grow
at rapid speeds
because you are in the sky now,
or you've always been,
maybe only for me
or maybe for the entire world,
I can't decide

yesterday you cried
on the way home from
center city
right in the back of
a ***** taxi cab
and when we got
to the north side
you said the rain
was just so pretty

I don't always understand
the contents of your skull
but I know that it all fits
somehow with the decor
in my house
and you are more than
shower *** on Friday night
and you are more than
pancakes on Sunday morning,
cause I could stare at you forever
and die thinking I'll live forever

i really never could cope with
the idea of an infinite universe
no matter how many nights
i'd lie in the grass
counting the stars,

sometimes i'd sit up
thinking i'd found some peace in it,
perhaps made some sense of it
or maybe it just didn't matter
but it always came back
to lying down in the grass
wondering endlessly
until i'd frustrated myself to tears

i guess i was just never meant
to feel comfortable
or content
under a sky
that illuminates
millions of homes
filled with people
who understand
so much more
of life than i ever will

this would have been my year
had i not given up
could've answered all those emails
but i let them pile up
now im in a purple room
with wooden floors,
avoiding certain boards
cause im sick of splinters
and im staring at my apathy
staring back at me in a
pocket mirror,
from a mattress
full of metal springs
and im wondering how
one can be so ******* full
of misery and yet so ******* bored
cause i thought if i learned to feel again,
id go for a walk or a drink
but i haven't moved in three hours
and i don't think i want to
cause as far as i can see
there's not much to see,
not much to see
so ill keep calling
and hanging up
cause i don't actually want to talk
i just want to wake you up,
i just want to know that you've got
your pretty face in that bright yellow phone,
cause that's not much better
than where ive been lately
"where have you been lately"
i can hear you from three states away
screaming into your pillow
and if i focus hard enough,
these black sheets
are the navy blue ocean
and if i focus hard enough,
my lungs are collapsing
and if i focus hard enough,
i can feel calm
maybe for a minute
or two
cause if i focus hard enough,
i sink like an anchor
and where the sun can't reach me,
neither can you

I'll stay awake all night
rubbing my ankles against your ankles
if that's what you want
Or I'll turn side ways
and let you slump your
scarred arm over my tired rib cage
if that's what you want
And if you feel like coming out of your skin
And if you can't lay still
we can take laps around your living room
if that's what you want
Or if your home doesn't feel like home
and you feel scared of
the pictures on your walls
then I'll drive until the sun comes up
and if the sun comes up
and the thought of pulling back into
your drive way makes your stomach turn
we can go to the city for the day,
I'll take work off
I heard there's a show
at the Electric Factory,
but if you can't be in a crowd tonight
then let's just sit in the alley by
my old place
and drink some whiskey,
pretend we're still gutter punks
like we were when we were sixteen
And if your eye lids start to feel heavy
but you're afraid to sleep
cause you can't swallow
the bad dreams and
what they mean anymore,
then you can rest your head on my shoulder,
I promise I'll whisper kindness
into your ear all night
so that all that's floating
through your skull
is laced in lilac and yellow
with no black spaces in between

there's a place at the bottom
of my swimming pool,
at the edge of my bed,
in the backseat of my car
& in the old church parking lot
that hold all my darkness
but they're just places
and when i leave them,
they don't follow me

i've realized that i don't
have to live inside of them
anymore

there is chlorine
that doesn't smell
like the summer we spent
wasted on tile floors
all over portland

there are sheets
that don't feel like
the rough skin on the back
of your hand

there are cars
with leather seats
that i don't feel nauseous
peeling my thighs off of

there are parking lots
that aren't vacant
monday-friday...
parking lots lit
by street lamps
where no one can hurt me

there's a universe outside
the pain
where boys
with green eyes
are gentle

a universe
where he touches my
shoulder & i don't flinch,
where he whispers
"i like you"
into the still
scranton air
& i believe it

i lived
with my limbs
all tangled up in your hate
for so many years
but i'd cut off
every last one
before i'd wrap
them around you again