too many mornings i laid in your bed,
pretending to sleep, with your sheets
pulled up over my head
because i was afraid of what
you'd think if you saw my
naked face

and too many afternoons
i held my arms crossed
over my rib cage
hoping no one would see
how stupid i could be,
thinking if i drained the blood
from my veins or spilled
my guts into the sink,
maybe i'd start to shrink

and too many nights i cried
in the bathroom with all of my
clothes on, in front of the shower,
because i was afraid to feel my thighs
touch under the water

i spent too many hours
forcing my collar bones
out of my chest,
never stopping to notice
my life as it fell
away from me
with the rest

there will never be enough time
to have a meaningful conversation
with every person and that
hurts the most on winter mornings
and summer nights when i could
swear the whole world is silent,
overflowing in a pensive state,
wondering if being alone is really
lonelier than being surrounded by
people who will never hear their stories
or recognize their voices

I used to use this weather
as an excuse to wear a sweater
I'd pull the sleeves down over
my wrists, smile & say I was
feelin better but the sun
always made a liar out of me
that a hospital trip could
hardly appease
Well, I can't say that I'm okay
And I won't say that I've been saved
But there's a song playing
in the back of my head
that says don't you ******* dare
And when my friends sing along
I can't help but to care

I spend my Mondays mostly wishing I did more with the happiness I was given because it seems so far from me now & I'm not sure when I'll see it again