I lie a lot more than I should and its killing me

Im stuck in my glass box, underwater where you sank me and then stayed at my door
You sat outside with your body pressed to the walls and watched as I fell apart
You desperately plead for me to confide in you and roar when I refuse
To your oblivion with every scream and stomp you crack the glass
I'm left to silently watch as the cracks get larger and the fear settled in my stomach
I've tried to open the door multiple times and always remain with more water at my feet
I spend days and weeks trying to get rid of the water and mend the glass together but I always end back at the start with each new hit and insult

I often think we've convinced ourselves we need a psychedelic medium to alter our minds in order to feel the dizzy warmth we crave on those long summer nights
We've directly correlated our happiness to useless pills, powders, plants and poisons but we forget the times we've been high off of our company and touch
We so easily forget spinning in circles on the football field or rolling around in bed for hours over the feeling of inhaling a little too much smoke
Why can't we be happy with our friendships and not feel the urge for a rush of drugs or ***
When did we start relying on hands between our thighs and different head space for security in ourselves?
What happened to laughing over three letter words and drawing on our bodies?
Why can't we find cloud nine in each other anymore?
Is our sobriety going to end the sad reality of our detached friendships?

I'm laying in a field surrounded by complete silence and even the rain is nothing but faint
The wind doesn't dare blow above a nudge in my mind nor does it allow me to acknowledge its presence
The grass tickles at my arms and legs and ever so often stabs into my scarred hips and waist
Things haven't been the same since you left
I can no longer see things in plain sight, my vision has a young, naive lens; encapsulating my perception of the words i feel, the emotions coursing through my body, the sights of trouble and tribulation I have been forced to endure without a gentle guide but instead a harsh dictator caused by your incapability to be the person I so desperately need at times;
the person you promised you would be

I've been encapsulated with a difficult time and I've had my strength repeatedly put through rigorous test lately and I'm always left alone to suffocate on my insecurities and feel helpless at the knees of the Lord
I can't find peace in my skin or in my mind and my first thought was to sleep away my troubles before I realized the simplicity of bathing in the privilege given to me by God
I pray for a comfort found only in one person and I pray strictly for their repent as one day they'll be forced to face a struggle bigger than any of us
I pray for solitude in my life and in their happiness I so heavily rely on
I pray I can sacrifice myself in the eyes of the lord in exchange for them and their lack of faith and I cant remember when I started prioritizing their prayers over my own but the Lord is just as thankful in rewards as he is in appreciation

I'm growing tired and heavy
You tell me everything wrong with me and exploit me for not trying hard enough but I'm wearing myself out trying to be good enough and it's all going to waste
And my tears are staining my pillow, a nice dark shade of red
But tell me that you care about me and I'll keep tracing your fingers and singing that stupid song in my head

I'm scared I worry my friends and that's more upsetting to me than me being upset
For the one that's my world, I love you dearly and I swear I do what you say when you ask if I'm gonna be okay.
For the one that catches my voice in my throat, even if I don't sing for you it doesn't mean I don't wish I could, I want you to admire me as you have created a fictional version of what I could be if I was great.
For the one I'm in love with, I swear I trust you whole heartedly my dork, I don't break my promises and I can't imagine losing you. Please don't leave
For the one I miss dearly, you're so sweet and I miss our secrets and i swear I'm not a liar
I promise I'll be fine and though I love you all I feel like I cant help but make you worse